Thursday, August 30, 2007

You're my obsession


My obsession....
so I recently got HBO and have been catching up with the entourage's I have missed. I have fallen in love dear 3 readers of my blog. Who watches entourage? If you do you are familiar with the crazed indie director Billy Walsh, played by Rhys Coiro. Rhys if you're out there, I want to do all sort of naughty things to you. Please get some photos of yourself nearly or fully naked and send them to me pronto. Tall, dark, handsome and tourtured...that's how I like'em

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The uncomfortable word that is pussy

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Spy v. Spy

so i thought I would use this forum also to just air my dirty laundry and talk smack about myself. For someone who wants to be able to call the shots in the bedroom, you would expect extreme confidence. But sadly, that is not the case. Mind you, I do have some, but I am still trying to come to terms with who I am in a world of people who are not like me. I mean, I went to an elite university full of wasps and that totally freaked me out, not being included in things just because I couldn't trace my family back to the Mayflower and my family likes to eat "ethnic" foods and I tan easier than most. So therefore I have a sick desire to become, waif-like, blonde, and generally unexciting. It looks easier, they always have boyfriends (I never have one, I just have my stable of losers who flit in and out, but who I love desperately and get upset when they move on and find serious relationships that aren't me. Although I doubt I would want any of them around for more than few days without wanting to hurt them, and not in the good way.) I am not tall, I am not skinny, and I am far from the blonde boarding school girls decked out in their Lilly Pulitzer that I so despise and admire at the same time. I like my quirks, I just wish it landed me more decent men. This does then go back to the point that I usually like douchebags...
But if it wasn't for all the douches, I would have never found my calling. All douches (I shouldn't essentialize, but since this is my forum, I will) feel they need to take charge in th bedroom. And this always leads to me thinking of my "to do" list and having my head crammed un uncomfortable positions that make my neck hurt, and my self-esteem plumet. I feel that all men should make it their goal to make sure a woman (or man) feels comfortable when they have their mouth around your dick. I hated the humiliation I felt when this would happen. I don't like being on the recieving end of humiliation or pain, yet, when I took control, told them what to do, what I want and where they could shove their uncomfortable high school blow jobs I got excited, wet, and with the ones who found my excitement a turn on, things got fun. So I guess this is a post about my conflicted selves. The self who wants the bland barbie life with her blonde wasp who has missionary sex and only cares about their gratification (but this is only because of the gorgeous facade they display and parade at country clubs that won't accept me as a member) and the person who I am, yet sometimes I am ashamed of. She's weird and quirky, is a fan of high heels and slutty makeup and wants to find a man (maybe even a few) who want to explore what I want, because that is also what they want and maybe, I'll be at peace with who I am if I find someone else to walk besides me all the way?
so cheesy and lame, but sometimes we all get a little sentimental.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Existential Crisis #1

So I've had some musings...but I don't think I really have enough readers to post an existential crisis. But I'll just go for it and see what happens.
so existential crisis #1:
So a little back story, I usually like a stable of men. Nothing serious, just a mixture of men I keep (and they spread to many continents), through e-mail, IM, phone and personal interactions I have a pretty sizable bunch. It's pretty much training wheels BDSM because I never had a community to call my own or people I could draw ideas from (thank you bitchy!!!) until now, so i was in the dark about a lot of stuff.
So these men I keep them around to make me feel good. A greeting card if you will. someone to always call me pretty, remember a wonderful time they had with me, and just generaly either lift my spirits or get me off when I feel like giving them the attention. But sometimes I lose one, and its always hard. they are MINE. mind you, i dont want to date them seriously, i just dont want them to date anyone else. i know, its selfish. So with my latest member defecting, i'm qestioning my ways. and also thinking...
ok, so now I have yet another requirement for the men I date. And the list was long to begin with.
Must be:
cute, intelligent, driven, witty, taller than me, fun to hang out with (staying in or going out), a good dancer, interested in travel, and able to explore new things and have fun
(mind you, i ususally give on some of these) This list is pretty long, and now i;ve added one more?!?!


with all my men defecting and my age not getting younger, am I just adding to my inability to ever find someone to grow old with?
ug, the feminist in me is pissed that i am thinking this way, but fuck it, i dont want to be wrinkly and all alone. what if i slip in the bathtub? they wont find me until the smell starts bothering my neighbors!! (if you couldnt tell, things aren't going well with boyfriend, we're kinda 'taking a break') grr
so frustrating

Friday, August 10, 2007

Looking Back; the story of the Preacher Man

So I thought i would share with everyone the first time i really got a high from a sexual encounter and looking back, probably the beginning of my love of the power dynamic of a BDSM sexual "lifestyle" (of course i didn't know this at the time).

I was in college on my semester abroad. I always seem to go for the ones who are either the pompous douchebags, or the tortured soul douchebags. This boy falls into the latter category. We shall call him Preacher Man. Every morning he would wake up at 6am to pray, a good boy from the MidWest, and of course saving himself for marriage. If you can tell by the moniker I gave him, he also aspired to be a Pastor. (he made it pretty close, last I heard he is a religious social worker). So we lived in a really sparse dorm situation and we both had roommates, so we had to get creative with our endeavours.
Preacher Man and I started talking over drinks one night, which turned into some make outs in a corner (very classy).
This innocent little relationship soon turned into me continually testing his limits and trying to push him into seriously questioning his morality in relation to his sexuality and religion (seriously, he told me it kept him up at nights).

I don't even remember how this started, but he called it "wrestling" which in reality, it totally was. We would meet up in a unused storage closet, empty and not air conditioned and do just that, we would cage fight basically until we were both sweaty and out of breath, everything was allowed (I never play fair) I would bite, smack, hit him dangerously close to places he cherised, and also was known to put all my weight into knocking his legs out from under him. He of course, being about a foot taller than me, could always subdue me. He'd push his entire weight on top of me while holding down my hands (usually over my head). It got pretty serious, i was always bruised in shapes oddly similar to hands complete with fingers, and he couldn't go shirtless from all the bites I gave him. But this is where it get's interesting, once he had me down he would lose his nerve and I would just stare back at him, like "come on, big man, this is your game what's next (knowing that he couldnt make those decisions), it was pretty weird but incredibly hot. Until he admitted that his size and control didn't equal him winning (even while he was still on top of me), then we would start making out. It was such a big rush! And obviously he loved it too, I would make him ask for the things he wanted to do with me/to me, knowing fully well that saying such things would humiliate him. Making him use the same mouth he spoke to God with to ask me to suck him off, or ask if he could go down on me. I would pretend I couldn't hear him and make him repeat it. Since he as a virgin, the pesky question of sex and when this ended was all on me, yes I would give him head usually, but it was never expected or required. Most of the time, i would get on top of him ad dry hump him while telling him what sex feels like/what it would feel like. He aimed to please, since he was over compensating for the no sex part, and he took direction wonderfully.
I'm not saying this situation didn't totally fuck me up too, I mean, he was emotionally unavailable and confused about why he liked what we were doing, yet in his mind saw it as wrong. So he blamed me for corrupting him, for leading him astray, etc. But he would always come back. And of course, I wasn't a big fan of being snubbed and looked down upon for things I knew we both liked.
Even today, he randomly calls and emails. He wanted to get together recently. He is now divorced from his wife (he waited until marriage) and wanted to reconect. But I have no interest in going back, I want to move forward. We both got out of it what we wanted. I learned that I like my sex with a devlish smirk and a side of surrender, and he learned that sexuality is more complex and fun than what he learnd in bible study. He needs to move on, and so do I. No more tortured souls, I need someone confident in their submission (still haven't found that, more on Boyfriend later)

Vacation, crisis of identity

Sorry I've been gone. I went away for 10 days (without boyfriend) and decided to take a break from writing and try doing some thinking for a change. Will update shortly. The boy has been giving my problems of late, with him its like one step fwd, 4 steps back. He has issues with wrestling with his desires versus what society has told him he should do/be. He also has issues (i think) with the level of intimacy a relationship like this requires. any people out there have any ideas how to get over this hurdle?