Friday, October 17, 2008

Professional setback

So I had a professional setback this week. I feel I was Palin-ed (if anyone hasn't coined that term yet, I'm going to). I didn't get this article I wanted to. 

I have this "mentor" and I use the term loosely. 
He is a little (ok a lot) overbearing in a way that is inappropriate. Now, I don't know how others handle unwanted sexual attention, but I have no backbone for the smack down, I was not taught to stand up for my intelligence and nip unwanted sexual advances in the bud. I just get uncomfortable. My method: I pretend I don't notice and act slightly dumb about the advance. I am fully aware that sometimes I get better treatment because I play nice with these creeps and pretend I don't feel as uncomfortable as I really am. I just don't know how else to handle it. This particular situation, I thought i was getting expert advice and instead got thrown to the wolves. In my opinion, I was seen as just a pretty face, and not a person of substance. 

This mentor told me that he would look over my work, provide feedback ten submit it to a publication he edits. He told me the board always takes his suggestions and don;t worry. He then sent it straight to them without the feedback ad revision stage and it was definitely a crude and rough draft. 

If I have to sit through an uncomfortable dinner of long eye contacts and being told that "the most dangerous thing in any profession is a woman with intelligence and looks" I want to get what I am promised. 

Now, I don't want to sound ungrateful or whiny, but I don't think any person wants to be treated in a way that undermines their main sense of worth and validation, and for me that's my smarts. 

Now I feel used, naive and most importantly I feel that I am not taken seriously by the people on this editorial board who saw this work that was obviously not up to their standards and frankly, not up to mine. If there was a way I could fix it, make it more coherent, i would have, but i was hoping for expert advice. Now I feel dejected, unintelligent and above all embarrassed that this board thinks this is the best that I can do. I feel that I appear unqualified and that I got that far because of some other reason than my work. 


Thursday, October 16, 2008

I love money (well no, but sometimes yes)


I love pretty things. I do. Freaking gorgeous. I want gifts, and I want them to look like this. Giving me boots like this is a sure sign I will fuck you and do it right. I don't love money, or what it does to people, but sometimes I love things. I want someone who wants to see me in these boots and a pair of black boy shorts and nothing else. 
Now these boots have been sold out for awhile, but before they were, they cost $2,500. That's more than my rent for 3 months. Instead of housing, I could have boots. Boots last forever, I could rough it for a few months, right? (no)

So obscene, but they are pretty!
I just looked at dating sites in my area; did a search for all the eligible 26-34 yr olds in a 2 hr radius...back to looking at expensive luxury merchandise; better internet eye candy.