My journey to become Mistress Leah

Something to groove to

2008-12-16T18:16:00.002-08:00

This is how I heal my hurts

And for the kickass music video that won't let me embed.

Link

I am not as smart as I seem. A lesson

2008-12-16T18:16:00.001-08:00

I have to work at building intimacy; it’s kind of hard to realize that. It takes years to develop a rapport with someone to the point that you can share certain things with them. But I feel, after having a conversation with a friend of mine that maybe I didn’t do a good enough job creating a safe space.
It’s so amazing when you have a conversation with someone and it totally clicks that you have been doing things all wrong. I demand utter compliance yet I never make it clear that I will not throw it back in your face and make you truly face humiliation by exposing you in a way that is unsafe and awful. How did this escape me? It is way too much to demand from someone submission without making them feel comfortable with their wants and need to submit, and I apologize. I cannot put all the blame on my last boyfriends[fuck buddies/lovers] because I never allowed myself to really take on that responsibility and let them be. Will this help my new relationship, let’s hope so. But I also feel that too much talk scares guys away. These things are more than just kinky sex, its feelings, its emotions, its knowing that when someone says they have a fantasy of being fucked in the ass with a strap on that you won’t laugh at them (too much) or tell all their friends. And while I feel I wouldn’t betray that, I never explicitly said, this is a safe space where there is nothing you can do or say that will make me think less of you.
I didn’t do that with TB (the boy) and I demanded that level with the Music Man, but never provided that cushion.
With TB, it was different. It was new to me, and I was worried enough trying to keep up with him and his fantasies that I’m sure my responses could have been better. But while my reaction might not be what you want, I am willing to look into it and not judge you. We never spoke about that though, and that is where we failed. I tried to talk, but whenever we did, it turned into a hurt feelings discussion about how I wanted more from him in order for me to continue, not I need to give first and welcome him into my arms.
Communication is so key to all this, yet so freaking hard to get over that hurdle of propriety and possible soul crushing hurt, I feel this is harder than any of the weird kinky shit. I need to openly and without expectation be able to create a safe space and bring my walls down a little and let you feel comfortable in order to make us both feel better and move forward. There was never malice or deceit behind my inability to do this, just self-preservation and a little innocent ignorance.

The training of a top or finally learning how to do this shiz.

2008-12-08T18:11:00.001-08:00

I think I also found the website I need to buy. I don’t want to be that person who purchases porn, it seems so dirty, but I think it would help me become the sexual person I want to be. I like men in pain, but no offense, those guys are not hot and I want to see how it’s actually done. I need to know some ground rules and templates to follow. I need to see the process. How do you begin? How do I go from having sex to wanting them to crawl to me from across the room, to I want you to crawl to me across the room while your hands are tied behind your back and you are telling me you will do anything, even let me hurt you. How can I get to the point of hitting someone so I can feel their body cringe? How do I become the person that asks for such things, Jesus? I can get drunk and hitty sometimes, and giggle them away, but how do you truly with two consenting people attempt to have an intenser than normal orgasm, its my job to make sure this works, how do I do that? I found some of that in the training of O website part of Kink.
I decided I was going to buy some of their movies, you don’t need a subscription, you can pay as you go! I finally have a sex partner that has the possibility of lasting more than a few weeks and I want to go into this as informed as possible. I need to figure out how to fucking do this and there is no good porn for me with hot men that I want to see naked. I don’t want to see cocks squeezed to the point that they don’t look like penises anymore, I want to see some of the routine and practice of sexual domination. I need to see some of these interactions because honestly, how do you do this seriously?

* Side note: stupid kink.com does not take AmEx, I continue to flounder.

Giving Thanks

2008-11-28T15:35:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I am enjoying becoming an adult. I think I am good at it. I started this blog to work through sexual issues and I think I am going to move into working through issues in general. I don’t want to limit myself to only sexual self-discovery. It doesn’t mean I don’t have bouts of insecurity or doubt or worry about who I am, my life choices and my place in this large world. But I find that at the right time in my life certain things cross my path to help me work through things. For instance, I am reading Cornel West right now to try to figure out general dissertation problems. It’s helping, not necessarily the meat and potatoes of my grand opus, but its really helping me think through my process of lifelong learning.
“I have never aspired to be a professional academic or scholar. Instead, I have tried to be a man of letters In love with ideas in order to be a wiser and more loving person, hoping to leave the world just a little better than I found it. I take great delight in the free play of the mind, and I believe intellectual work is indespebable for social change…So I speak of my intellectual work and life as a calling, not a career; a vocation, not a profession.
George Yancy. African-American Philosophers: 17 Conversations.

I loved this quote. It hit on the head how I approach everything I do and how I deconstruct and analyze myself and the world around me. Sometimes this blog can be salacious, but I hope that with my openness and candid discussions of sexuality I can hopefully encourage others to explore their own thereby widening the possibilities for thought, desire and human interaction. A lofty goal indeed, but if it fails, at least I learn more about myself.

I give thanks to my family for allowing me to be an explorer and not a drone, to question authority and the institutions and structures that lull us into complicity. While we all fall into its trappings, sometimes its best just to be aware.

So what I am struggling with right now is a few things.
1- focus: I have none. I can’t focus on a single task for more than 20 minutes. I don’t think I have an actual attention disorder, I just have not trained myself to work constructively. Will have to work on this. I need to stop checking Perez Hilton, the LOL cats and Huffington Post constantly.
2- Calmness and neediness when concerned with my new man: I am needy and he is aloof. I need to be better and discussing my concerns and feelings without coming across as a crazy person. I have never really had a serious relationship, which I think is probably a red flag for any new suitor and I don’t want to scare him by bringing up my issues. But I want him to be more attentive. All my friends say this comes with time. I want to be open with him and discuss my feelings and all those itchy sweater emotions that I hate bringing up, but I don’t know how to start. All I want is like 10% more from him. It’s not that he doesn’t like me or doesn’t want to spend time with me. But in my insecurity I always feel like I am filling the silences, making the plans and generally forcing things forward because I fear he won’t. How does one get over this nasty habit thereby allowing him to take some control and lessening my neediness in return? Sheeesh.

Giving head, more specifically sucking my new man's dick.

2008-11-17T08:27:00.000-08:00

So I gave the best blowjob of my life, I really like this new guy. I still have not found something I dislike. He’s a man, which is a new avenue for me. Like bill paying, home owning, responsible mild-mannered man. I told him I want more dirty talk, the response “But I’m not that good at it”. Ok, that got me wet right away. Something to work on with him! It got to the point that I kept telling him he needed to narrate what was going on, it was hard for him, but so sexy to watch him strain for words and try to say them without blushing. Ok, I can’t continue because I’m at work.
I love cock, I seriously do. I have always enjoyed giving head. Big penis, small penises: penis. I get off on giving head, I love to look up at a man, drunk with lust, as I give him large doe eyes while my mouth is full of cock, his cock. It makes me smirk. I think I get more turned on by giving head than receiving it. And new guy who I think I am going to call Clark Kent, wow I love the faces he makes. He opens his mouth so slightly and it’s so hot. I am obsessed with mouths. I love watching them do things. I love watching his do things. Watching him slowly circle my nipple, ugh. I want to take a picture, keep that image. Being able to watch his mouth strain is just as enticing as watching it say dirty words. Ok yet again, need to move on, am at work.
He sat on the couch and I was in between his legs (sorry roomie, I promise that I will leave the house long enough so you can have dirty time in the living room too) Great position, I was able to watch him the entire time. The eye contact was seriously intense. He had a stiff neck, from no joke, a reading injury. (Honestly, how cute is that?)
Watching him watch me was intense. He kept his mouth slightly open and the level of interest and single-minded focus was super hot. And I teased the shit out of him. Looking up at him with his cock in my mouth, honestly I cannot think of anything hotter (given time, probably, but too focused on super sexy blow job). Big blue eyes looking up at you while I smile around your dick, slowly biting just so you can see my teeth on that sensitive skin. I even threw in a Sarah Palin wink, which sent us both laughing. Sex should always have comic relief. If you can laugh with a dick in your mouth, you won’t feel so embarrassed when something goes wrong, (and it always will; a large fart/qweif/knee in wrong place/fall of bed, etc). Sometimes it’s always good to go to the tried and true sexual mores and a good blowjob is one of them. You gotta get into it or its just not the same, I always bring my A game when I suck dick, and this time was no different. But there was just this added level of electricity; I was feeding off his response. I felt parasitic; I don’t know how else to describe it. I kept my mouth open a lot so he can watch his cock go in and out. And of course, being a guy, he enjoyed just watching his cock hit the side of my cheek before I would swirl my tongue over and without hands trace the head then suck it into my mouth. It was so pornographic.
I can do all these fun things with his penis and not feel like I’m going to choke. I can deep throat it and with the back of my throat massage the head. Just the level of dirtiness and intensity took it over the edge for both of us. The eye contact that only broke when I had to get serious, but being the tease I am, I just kept bringing him to the edge then bringing him back down. I kept on correcting his posture too. He kept slipping down the couch, getting really excited and moving lower. But it would make keeping eye contact difficult. So I would stop, slowing run my nails down his side and make him fix his position. I was so turned on. I love sucking cock, and his is the perfect size and his responses are addictive, sex with him has the possibility of being like a drug.

New Boy and a self discovery

2008-11-11T07:45:00.000-08:00

I learned a few new things about myself and perhaps my kink today. I find it incredibly awesome to be able to document these discoveries even though I have no interest to revisit past posts. That would be too embarrassing.
So I’ve been dating this new guy for a while now and I don’t see any visible red flags. And “a while” for me, is like a month. Even my grandmother said, [said in Jewish voice similar to mother from The Nanny] “if he makes it four months, then I will start asking questions about him”. Mind you she also told me to be a lady in public and a whore in the bedroom, if anyone was wondering where I get it from.
I discovered I have a label for one of the things that excite me. I like to date archetypes. Even if you are not one, I am going to create one for you. Not to say I want one-dimensional people, but I am going to tailor my dominance to your particular personality and run with it. Por ejemplo:

This new guy is older, silver haired, super tall and incredibly well mannered and quiet. He doesn’t play sports, he rides his bike to work, actively tries to lower his carbon footprint, liberal. He is definitely masculine since he’s so tall and therefore screams man, but he is a mild mannered Clark Kent. A modern heterosexual white liberal librarian San Francisco like Clark. He has this bouncy walk that makes him look like he is bobbing in time to the reggae band only he can hear. It’s very endearing and very calming. He also has this lovely lilt to the ends of his sentences, something slightly sarcastic but too darn nice and polite to fully get gruff. Like his momma raised him right.
I want to watch his mouth say super dirty words because I know it doesn’t do that often. I want him to kneel for me because I want to dwarf his large 6’6” size. He moans a lot, and super loud too which I definitely enjoy. I like a responsive lover that way you know what works and what doesn’t. But I want to turn those moans into verbalizations. I want to see his mouth say the word cunt. I am not that interested in hitting him (yet), I just want to see him move, crawl, struggle, etc. I am obsessed with his size and his mild mannered voice.

So I realized another layer of what turns me on. What I want to see in each person is totally different. One fetish is not going to translate to another person. I wanted The Boy in a soft leather brown suede collar with his name burned into the flesh, I want his little boy eyes and soft lips to look up at me and I wanted to hold his head and pet when I hurt him. I know he likes pain and I wanted him to give that to me unwavering. I want(ed?) to see how far he would really let me go, how far can I play.
My excitement comes from play I like to see men quiver; I want to control the rules. I will use you as a template, but ultimately I want to see how far I can go and that changes with each person and their distinct qualities that turn me on.

Dating disasters by M. Leah.

2008-11-03T08:49:00.001-08:00

Date 1: I met him on the Internet at one of those dating sites. I hate the fact that I have to turn to those. But in this busy world where I would still like to get laid and maybe find a partner, you have to suck it up.
This guy’s profile seemed great. I have a rule for on-line dating. You have to be strict, no pleasantries I might be suckered into at a bar. I will only look at profiles of college-educated people who are over 5’8” at least. I will look, but if I don’t think I could kiss you, let alone fuck you, why bother with the fake pleasantries of a person-to-person meet and greet.
So back to Date 1: He seemed nice enough, taller than 6 feet, well educated. He had a degree in writing and took a job with The Man to pay the bills. I had visions of us drinking red wine and talking about public intellectuals and literary theory, of course wearing black possibly in berets. Then we met. First impression not so bad, he was tall and not that bad looking. He had nervous small hands, but I can overlook that if he was a good conversationalist. Rule 1 of the first date: always have good posture; it’s the first thing people notice subconsciously. His was all wrong. He then orders something off the menu and complains about how he can’t handle too many flavors, spices upset his stomach. Ok, not good either. I will eat anything, at least once. And the spicier the better. I keep a bottle of Franks Hot Sauce on hand all the time; like those fat ladies who keep Ranch dressing in their bags. After telling me about his intestinal problems, he spends the entire conversation talking about his job, how he hates it, why he hates it, his boss and how he might get fired. I am your first date, not your mother; do not complain to me. Date ended, he e-mailed me an article he wrote, the one thing he has gotten published (I really shouldn’t judge, I have no publications, not even the internet, if you don’t count my self aggrandizing blog). But the writing was flat and overly metaphoric. Since I do not see myself ever getting naked with this guy, I move on.

Date 2: I will title him, the Iron Man. I met him out at a bar when we were both traveling, turned out we both live in the same town. He was very cute. Blonde, blue eyed well built. A little on the short side, but I could see myself making out with him so I said why not. We went on two dates, and then it ended. He was very nice, but that was it. No other side, just nice. He works out…for fun! Who are these people?!! Nice guy, but he might have been a Republican, and the older I get, the more set I am in my liberal commie Arugula eating elitist academic ways. I need someone with an edge. Like comic books, great! Had a drug problem that you got over, even better! (Example, The Boy once started a conversation with…”so I’ve been getting really into fascism lately..”) I need someone who can bring something more than a stable job and a nice personality to the table. I can also not get behind your workout ethic. I am inherently lazy and need someone who can appreciate that. I set him up with my friend Sally. I thought it would work. They both like the gym, they both enjoy being social and going out, but neither one of them has a super edge. Which is fine, not all people have to, or do, or want to.

Date 3: Another Internet doozy. If you are going on a first date, remember to look your best. That means, groom yourself. Do not go on a first date when you obviously need a haircut. This boy was very nice, yet again, kiss of death: nice. He had an abnormally large head, and his shaggy fluffy hair that needed cutting wasn’t diverting attention away from his large melon. He also said he didn’t want to go anywhere that had “weird” foods like Indian, because its “weird” and he doesn’t like it. Strike one. I love “weird” food. I love new tastes, and I especially love Indian food. It is not weird, it just uses spices that are not salt or McCormick blends. Nice enough, no spark. He was looking for stable and nice, I am looking for life long learners and adventurers. If you can’t be adventurous in your culinary choices, I do not expect you to be able to get out of your comfort zone in other areas. I want you to be ok when I make you crawl to me so I can hit you. If you cant be food adventurous, you will never be sex adventurous (well, maybe it’s a leap; but it’s one I made and one I realize I demand. Food, Sex and Life explorers)

Date 4: We will call him GI Joe. I don’t even know where to begin with this one. He seemed ok. Another Internet date, blech. Looks aside, I can’t even call this one nice. This one is pure asshole. We went to dinner, nice place; he doesn’t eat. He has been watching football and drinking and eating so he’s not hungry. Now I go to school for a living, I am a student for a job. You cannot regale me with stories about how you never went to class in undergrad or law school. I never went to class that often either in undergrad, but I am choosing school as a job, I don’t find it attractive and am kind of embarrassed by my lackluster college performance. I am a nerd for hire. I don’t hear anything from him for around 2 weeks, and then get this serious of text messages one Sunday night:

Text 1: Just had a thought about you
Me: I hope it was a good thought J
Text 2: very nice thoughts, I want you to come over for starters…
Text 3: I wanna dim the lights, lay you down and take all ur clothes off

Um, we do not have that sort of relationship. I didn’t even kiss you with tongue after our date, why would you think this is acceptable?

This just represents the trials and travails of a late 20s single woman trying to find sex and possibly love. It’s a hard world out there for the jaded 20-something who just wants to get fucked right and maybe some intimacy.

I did meet someone I did like, but he gets his own post, maybe even a starring role. ;)

Professional setback

2008-10-17T11:03:00.000-07:00

So I had a professional setback this week. I feel I was Palin-ed (if anyone hasn't coined that term yet, I'm going to). I didn't get this article I wanted to.

I have this "mentor" and I use the term loosely.

He is a little (ok a lot) overbearing in a way that is inappropriate. Now, I don't know how others handle unwanted sexual attention, but I have no backbone for the smack down, I was not taught to stand up for my intelligence and nip unwanted sexual advances in the bud. I just get uncomfortable. My method: I pretend I don't notice and act slightly dumb about the advance. I am fully aware that sometimes I get better treatment because I play nice with these creeps and pretend I don't feel as uncomfortable as I really am. I just don't know how else to handle it. This particular situation, I thought i was getting expert advice and instead got thrown to the wolves. In my opinion, I was seen as just a pretty face, and not a person of substance.

This mentor told me that he would look over my work, provide feedback ten submit it to a publication he edits. He told me the board always takes his suggestions and don;t worry. He then sent it straight to them without the feedback ad revision stage and it was definitely a crude and rough draft.

If I have to sit through an uncomfortable dinner of long eye contacts and being told that "the most dangerous thing in any profession is a woman with intelligence and looks" I want to get what I am promised.

Now, I don't want to sound ungrateful or whiny, but I don't think any person wants to be treated in a way that undermines their main sense of worth and validation, and for me that's my smarts.

Now I feel used, naive and most importantly I feel that I am not taken seriously by the people on this editorial board who saw this work that was obviously not up to their standards and frankly, not up to mine. If there was a way I could fix it, make it more coherent, i would have, but i was hoping for expert advice. Now I feel dejected, unintelligent and above all embarrassed that this board thinks this is the best that I can do. I feel that I appear unqualified and that I got that far because of some other reason than my work.

I love money (well no, but sometimes yes)

2008-10-16T12:49:00.000-07:00

I love pretty things. I do. Freaking gorgeous. I want gifts, and I want them to look like this. Giving me boots like this is a sure sign I will fuck you and do it right. I don't love money, or what it does to people, but sometimes I love things. I want someone who wants to see me in these boots and a pair of black boy shorts and nothing else.

Now these boots have been sold out for awhile, but before they were, they cost $2,500. That's more than my rent for 3 months. Instead of housing, I could have boots. Boots last forever, I could rough it for a few months, right? (no)

So obscene, but they are pretty!

I just looked at dating sites in my area; did a search for all the eligible 26-34 yr olds in a 2 hr radius...back to looking at expensive luxury merchandise; better internet eye candy.

Lauren Bacall & Humphrey Boghart

2008-09-28T07:20:00.000-07:00

A little Lauren Bacall to start the week off right. I don't find the clip to be the best, but I think it does a good job of compiling all my favorites.

update: no sex

2008-09-28T07:09:00.000-07:00

I always seem to be apologizing here for not keeping everyone up to date.
So here is what’s going on. The music guy has been totally cut from my life. He’s not a stable person while there are many things I like about him, I feel like I open up to him, I like how driven he is, we have the same taste in music; but he also enjoys hurting me by using my insecurities and using them against me. And there is something stronger than my interest in him, and that’s my interest in my personhood. So he has been cut out of my life totally. I probably will see him around, and I don’t plan on being rude or loud, I just do not want anything to do with someone who cannot think of my feelings. Whatevs, moving on. [easier said than done, but I am stubborn]

So I did the most patriotic American thing I think I have ever done; and it felt great. I walked in a local gay pride parade with Obama supporters. I think America has lost sight as to what we are about as a country. We are a fearful and close-minded society that has forgotten innovation and new ideas can only come from new ways of thinking and being. As I marched by a group screaming anti-gay activists, demanding we repent or go to hell, I was filled with a greater sense of urgency. I do not deny you your opinion or your place in this march, don’t deny me my right to express my interests and beliefs too. I felt swept up in something bigger than me. I feel like if this election doesn’t go the way I have been working towards, its going to be a really big blow. But for now, I am truly enjoying feeling inspired and active in the things I believe in, and for that I am truly grateful.

Women beat their men

2008-09-03T07:51:00.001-07:00

So I’ve been making out with someone new. I wasn’t sure how to write about it, so I kept it to myself for a week. But now that it has happened twice, I feel confident in where it’s going; nowhere serious, but someplace fun and definitely an avenue for exploration. I don’t know if this is what I want right now, but it might be something I need.
He’s all wrong for me. He believes in reverse racism, drives a hummer, doesn’t know yet if he’s voting for Obama and get this; graduated college in 2007. Does that even make him over 18? He’s a baby, and behaves as such, which in itself is frustrating; and a turn on.
He is so abash and open with his slanted upper middle class white young boy worldview. I am now making it my personal mission to school him in more ways than one. And he’s eager, let me tell you. He thinks its hot, enjoys being hit, even when it hurts. I don’t think he’s experienced a person like me in his lifetime. (please only with someone like this can I truly get into that persona too). He wants a lesson, and I’m ready to deliver. It’s a really intriguing dynamic. I wanted to do this with one of my tried and true boys, you know, give them my dominant virginity, but I think this way is better. This little one doesn’t know what he wants except that he wants to fuck. He doesn’t know/hasn’t explored it further.
He’s just a little energizer bunny right now (I made him come 3 times last night within a 2 hr period). I get to run this show and figure out what turns me on. He tries, which is another one of my turn ons. He’s big enough that he can throw me around, but he has this baby face and arrogant personality, but I can make him say please so easily. I don’t like passivity. I want you to try to get the upper hand, and believe me he tries. And fails miserably. I realized with this one, that one of my strengths is knowing how to cut you down in bed. I made fun of his eagerness, his inability to really know what to do, the fact that he shaves his chest and bics his balls. I mean, come on, what a frat boy move. Not that I don’t enjoy or like it, but I’m just going to call out your vain man nature for my own benefit.
I like hearing men beg, I like them big manly drooling balls of putty. “Can I just stick it in, please, 5 seconds, please?” oh come on! How great is that, just thinking about it again makes me wet. I pretended I couldn’t hear him and make him repeat it a few more times. Just 5 seconds, please? I let him push around in the general vicinity for awhile, getting all into it, watching him try to slide his dick inside me without any help by me. When he started getting close enough to make a difference, I slowly caressed his face, moaned arched my back, then slapped him across the face and told him no. (evil laugh).
Any doubt that I have ever had that I do not enjoy getting rough and giving pain jumped right out the window last night. My newest go to move: while caressing his cock, pulling his balls then slapping them hard enough that every muscle in his body tenses. That face! Why didn’t anyone ever tell me this sooner? A man wincing in pain is freaking beautiful. The sharp inhale of breath, the tensing of the muscles when its not expected. The sharp jerk back, Jesus Christ its gorgeous. That young face of his with his shaved hard body, fucking amazing. Combine that with that pure determination of his hard headedness. I am going to have fun breaking this one in. All girlfriends after me will thank me. He’s the frat boy type of my dreams but I’m not a scared timid little girl anymore. I own what turns me on, and I’m using him as my fuck toy and a way to explore what I want (and the occasional date, he already has all these plans for us; we’ll see). I now know what makes me come, and what does not, and I am not playing those games of me doing things I don’t like anymore. Example: Yes, you can come on my chest. But I’m going to watch and scrutinize while you do it, I get to do the looking, and especially the hitting.
I am pretty excited about the possibility here. However, I am also concerned because he knows how much I want to play with him. He knows how much I want him and holds it over my head. I’m going to get him to know how to touch every inch of my body before he’s allowed to fuck me. I'm also going to have to find more ways to make him wince. While I truly and thoroughly love watching his response when I slap his balls, it’s going to get predictable and the whole fun is not knowing whether it’s going to be pain or pleasure. Right when he came I smacked him hard on the balls, I have never heard nor seen anything like that, it’s like a drug.
In an hour and a half, I came 4 times and he came 3 times.

too busy jerking off to write

2008-08-21T17:39:00.000-07:00

I have been spending a lot of time looking at porn on the internet, which means I have not been spending a lot of time writing. I thought this would be a good time to explore my own fetishes instead of being controlled by the ones that excite others. Where does one go to look at fetishes, the internet!
And that has kept me very, very busy.
I know Bitchy Jones has spoken about Men In Pain, but I apologize, I have never really spent much time checking it out until now.
I find it hard to find useful templates for female domination in pornography. Most of Men in Pain shows men getting off and being aroused. Where does the fucking come in if I want to be fucked and not fuck some dude up the ass? Besides extreme cunnilingus (which I am not opposed to) and some strap on sex, something is missing; where’s the fucking? How is a newbie supposed to get ideas when there are no examples in porn? (mind you, there were a few, and I’m sure if I actually paid for some of the videos, there would be some honest to goodness orgasm inducing dick in vagina fucking, but I am cheap and not at the point where I feel I need to buy porn)

So I kept looking at the other sites that are under the umbrella of www.kink.com
I then had an identity crisis. I get upset with porn because it does two things at once, it reinforces stereotypes I do not enjoy, and it also arouses me. How do you reconcile that?

And this got me thinking, am I really a dominant? Now when one has a blog stating openly their sexual inclinations, it makes it harder to change your mind. So I said this to myself quietly and let it marinate for awhile to really get to the bottom of my incongruities.
The answer is, yes.

The reason I was concerned is because some of the bondage stuff got me off. The idea of forced orgasms totally got me. How can I want my legs to be tied open so I am forced to have an orgasm and still be dominant? Then it hit me, domination comes in many forms and many colors. I have a problem with letting go. There is something about having an orgasm that forces you to loose that control over your body. I’m sure my female readers will understand this, if you have a seriously intense orgasm, it kinda feels like you might lose control over your muscles in your lower extremities. Sometimes I worry I might pee. The concept of a forced orgasm makes me jump over that hurdle. But this doesn’t have to be only in the submissive ‘s goody bag. This would be the perfect way for me to force myself to totally let go and allow myself to have an earth shattering almost pee inducing (maybe g spot?) orgasm. I’ve done it by myself and have farted. I was the only person in the room and embarrassed myself. See the problem?
Then I had an a-ha moment. Why am I letting the porn industries and stock stereotypical kink control my sexual fantasies? I can use this. I don’t want the super hardcore bondage, just the inability to use my hands or my legs to stop something that I will enjoy. Why can’t I have both? Why can’t part of my sub’s job is to learn to get me off in a way that I enjoy, why can’t learning this be HIS job?
My form of domination is one part Disney princess story, one part petulant spoiled child and 2 parts sadist. That combination turns me on. I don’t want feminized men, and I don’t want to be dominated and tied, and hurt. But there is something about the bondage porn that gets me off. It’s the forced orgasm of it. I don’t want to beg for an orgasm, I want you to give. I want to be tied up, and tell you to hit yourself, ug, (hold, that image for a sec…mmmmm). I want you to call me baby and bitch in bed (but only my name in public) I want to top from all positions of subjectivity.

Driving back caravan style with the music boy:

2008-08-09T08:00:00.000-07:00

Text from him:
Come lead so it feels like a nice doggy style
You imagining a strap on in me right now?

Now that took me for a loop. And by that I mean I turned bright red, thankfully no one was in my car to notice. Um, excuse me? When I spend time with him its nice. It’s exciting and engaging and l feel lifted. I like his size I like the way he moves his body. He’s like a Great Dane puppy, but I HATE the way he gets under my skin and can figure out what I want out of our relationship. It’s awful.
So it got me thinking, did I want a strap on in him? Just thinking about it gets me excited. I want to hear him beg for it, I want him to ask for it. I want it to come fashioned with one of those little vibrators so I can get some jollies at the same time. I can think of nothing better to tame that wild beast than to have him begging for my dick in his ass.
Now, this is all theory. Sexually, this sounds fantastic. Realistically….I don’t like my ass let alone a guy’s ass. They are fuzzy and stuff. I still haven’t really worked out the difference between fantasy and reality.
But I still have this great fantasy now of the two of us. He helps me put it on. I don’t need the help, but I want him involved in the process. And while he does, of course he touches; he gets me excited he keeps us both in the game. I get wet giving head; I can see this being pretty similar. Hearing his sighs, the groans, and the grunts. Now the lubing, see this is where I lose it, it becomes comical and gross. But in theory, in my fantasy I fuck him; I do imagine myself in his ass. My little body on top of his; in his. He says he wants my cock, and I fuck him slowly, then get more of a rhythm going, why do guys have all the fun calorically with sex? This seems like a great way to get my workout in too. He’s hard the entire time, whenever I push in I rub my hand up his cock focusing on his head and when I pull out, I squeeze and pull on his balls. He’s talking dirty, I tell him to push further back, it goes in deeper., he winces but relaxes a little bit after the initial pain. After a little while, I want to come, I tell him so. He swiftly moves out from under me and before I know it I’m on the bottom and he’s removing my accoutrement. With one pull and a swift thrust, he’s inside me. I want him to come with me. I want us both to come together. He’s working me from the inside and I pull on his balls, hard. I grab on to his thighs and hold on, just letting him fuck us both until we come.

So yes, I am imagining him with a strap on.

Um, how did he know?!?!

Saturday night out, and some phone sex.

2008-07-23T10:05:00.000-07:00

So this past sat I had a pretty late night out. It was my first night back in town, and I kind of was on the prowl for some new meat. I needed a distraction. It came in the form of two sub par suitors. A sweet little Italian kid from NY, adorable and nice, but I'm not that girl. I don’t do little Guido, I’ve been there already, and it was called 19. Also met this DJ guy who was pretty cute but how can you take someone seriously when their opening line is; “I just want you to know I was addicted to Meth for 3 years, it’s been 5 weeks clean and sober”. Don’t brag about that to strangers until it’s been a year, you just sound silly, no one’s going to give you kudos, and you’re still an addict. You cant brag until its an accomplishment that will last.

So with no prospects and the night over I turned to the tried and true; The Boy.

I call him at like 4 AM; he’s getting home too. We chat for a little while, how was your night how was mine, what’s been going on, silly stories about friends, etc. Its mildly flirtatious but I don’t want mildly right now. I want him to tell me naughty things and get me off; I want to come. Which I tell him; “do you want to have phone sex, I’m kind of in the mood for an orgasm”. He asks me if I'm touching myself; “for about the last 30 min of our conversation” he moans a little into the phone (actually I don’t remember if that was true, it was either a moan, or a sound like, Jesus Christ she’s insatiable). I ask him if he was touching himself, he says yes. (I am not convinced though that he was either or if he said yes, I was hoping he was and since this is my side of the story, I am going to move it along in that direction).
So, during and afterwards I was a little weirded out. Things got pretty bizarre and kinky in directions we haven’t discussed and fetishes that I am not totally sold on. I don’t know, it got me off, oh believe me it did (4 times), but it was a little much for me. I find it hard to be dominant when I don’t feel totally secure or able to go down these paths.
I mean you can’t expect someone to get your kink unless you explicitly tell them, right? And some of it he got right on the head, the begging was great, the telling me he’ll do whatever I want, that I own him, control him, rule him, possess him (that was my favorite, especially with that voice of his).

That’s when I think he started getting into it, and it went someplace I was not ready for. He also describes things and uses adjectives and imagery that I just do not know where they come from, like using words like cavernous, I am not doing it justice, but it slightly reminded me of 40 yr old virgin when he calls boobs sandbags, something like that. But it’s so cute in other instances that I let it go. I wish I remembered more specifics. But he did say he'd like to play power games over his orgasm. He kept on going back to pretty standard BDSM genres. The clothespin stuff and the ass fucking, ok I am there. When he called it my big black cock, I put the breaks on. We’re bringing race into this? I did like when he said mine was bigger than his, not because of the subversion of the racial power dynamic. I was uncomfortable with the meaning of that, to dominate this white boy with my large black cock. I did like the compliment that mine was bigger and stronger and better than his. If I were to have a cock, it would be fantastic. I would get to pick it out and it would become an extension of myself. I do not possess the carriage or experience of being a black man and I cannot use that to humiliate you. What I can do is get the best cock money can buy and humiliate you with that!
It’s like my wig collection; I don’t have long thick hair, so I bought some. I don’t know if it looks real all the time but either way I get the desired response. I get attention, either as someone who has fantastic California beach hair, or a cute girl with cancer. It’s the same thing if I was to have a strap on, it’s not real, but either way I’m going to get a rise. It’s not the real thing, but an imitation, but hell, that imitation provokes one hell of a response anyway; I live the hyperreal.
And then, it got truly weird. He wanted me to dress him up like a girl, call him by a feminized version of his name and call him a sick dirty dyke, my sick dirty lesbian. Now ok, as I write this, I think I can get behind his fantasy if I just work through it.
He (and this is all speculation) is a standard heterosexual man with a penchant for all that shitty faux lesbian porn that’s created just for men. Enjoying licking pussy = a behavior that men do out of obligation and lesbians do out of desire. Since he has desire, therefore he’s a dyke. I can find this twisted cultural norm endearing. I can call him all those dirty words because they evoke lesbian porn for him and call him out for enjoying going down on girls (side note: all men should enjoy it, its fun!). You want me to call you my dirty little dyke, it’s not my way but I can get behind that and still be turned on.
Ok, maybe I cant, I am going back and forth on this one, and I am not 100% sure. I can see why, but I don’t think I can really ever use the associated props. I don’t want you to look pretty. I want you to look like a dude. I like seeing you in men’s underwear, it really turns me on. I don’t want to put lipstick on you unless I am using it to write on your body. I want your lips to look like the soft full, yet masculine lips they are.
I can find other ways of humiliating you that do not revolve around dominating you racially or through gender. I will use some of those cues, but having me fuck you with a big black cock? No, I’m fucking you with my cock and that should be enough. I am not emasculating your whiteness with my subversive blackness. I am not humiliating you with gender because the lowest thing on the totem pole is a lesbian who loves doing lesbian things. I will humiliate you with your desires, with our acts, with your NEED to be called a lesbian, or dominated by a black penis, but you are not a woman nor am I a black man. Do you get the subtle difference (I don’t even know if I do)?
I’ll call you out on being you, I’ll call you out on being the submissive piece of shit that you are, letting me do this, liking this (that I like too, that’s why we’re both here). But I do not feel comfortable fulfilling stereotypical power imbalances that I have lived.
But of course now I worry. I worry that he feels exposed, I worry that he feels embarrassed by his desire. There is nothing I want less than to make him feel wrong. Yet again another contradiction. I want to and he wants to be humiliated, but I also don’t want it to spill over after the fact. The second I hung up the phone I thought to myself, that’s it, yes, I’m weired out by the direction it went, but I’m willing to talk about it. He’s not. I won’t hear from him for months now. And I don’t know if he came, was it all for me? This is too complicated.
I don’t think I am ready for sex on this level, its too problematic. Its like I just have my learners permit and I’m expected to drive an 18-wheeler.

A year older; wiser?

2008-07-19T14:18:00.001-07:00

Sorry it’s been awhile, I’ve been traveling internationally and I put “write post” on my to do list before I left, but I never got around to feeling comfortable enough in my parent’s house to blog. I don’t know how a place that birthed my sexual experimentation inspires frigidity. Forgive me; it’s been a few weeks since I’ve masturbated. But now that I am back in this country, and my apartment, the blog will continue.
I have been thinking a lot too about the topic; I always find that with a new interest (or an old interest that rejoins the pack) my mind starts wandering to new ideas and sexual possibilities. My fantasy sex life is always more exciting and vibrant than the real deal.
I really think, that my kink involves something verbal. The porn that gets me off these days are the ones where there’s a lot of back and forth. I’ve also been getting really excited by the idea of forced orgasms. I think this is the most productive aspect of BDSM that I have seen (besides all the role play and the ability to be bossy). I think this is super sexy and I think pretty easy to accomplish with a guy; I mean they’re always hard! There’s something particularly humiliating and fantastic about a forced male orgasm, especially when that’s your intention, yet you are trying to make them hold back. The level of disappointment can be wonderful to work with. If anyone has any experience I would love to know what you think, what you’ve done, and how you’ve done it. Just thinking about this gets me all jittery. There is so much room for humiliation play just in the guys inability to control his erection. Absolutely wonderful, and since I love, love playing with cocks to begin with, I see some future in this.
I’m also back on the idea of a strap on. Truthfully, I was never 100% into it. I’m not a butt person, but I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m coming around. But I wonder if I would just feel silly, I mean, I get wet giving head, and they make those belts that have a vibrator in them for the wearer, so that could be a positive. I am still not closer to shelling out the $$ yet though, so actual use is far away. But I have an idea and I might share it as fiction to see what everyone thinks.
Back to my childhood, it really baffles me. I just could never get in the right mind frame to think sexy, and with no material (since I have no regular mens) it was like there was a sexual desire firewall. This is the same home that I let my high school boyfriend sneak into after I had to be home for curfew and my parents went to bed. This is the same house that I used to throw parties in and host just as an excuse to get the boy I fancied at that moment into my house and into my clutches. This house witnessed many firsts, of mine as well as m friends! With all this rich history of deviant adolescent sexual promiscuity, you would think I could at least settle in enough to masturbate, nope.
I think it had to do with a particular date; I just celebrated my 27th birthday. I am a year older, maybe a little wiser. But still single and therefore still defective in some of my family’s eyes. It’s not that they don’t love me, it’s that they worry.
I had a conversation with my mother where she basically asked me if I am choosing this life of intense yet unfulfilling useless relationships and do I ever plan on settling down. And now at 27 I got to thinking, does settling down mean I have to settle? Because if that’s the case, I accept my cougar badge now and I’m going to start getting to work on my Rolodex.

My new crush

2008-06-19T13:26:00.000-07:00

Check out this link for a very good review of the work of Jason Segel, my new crush. I discovered him on the TV show how I met your mother; good show, not great. Freaks and Geeks: great show! Forgetting Sarah Marshall, fantastic!!

In the game of life; M. Leah wins

2008-06-19T05:03:00.001-07:00

Stack my little plastic car full of babies and spin the wheel because I’m having a pretty good day today. I don’t know if its because I’m teaching a class on gender right now or (gasp!) I’m becoming an adult, but after going to my college reunion I thought it would be a good time to reflect on the life that is mine.
College was an interesting time for me. I made the best friends in the world. We’ve had some rocky points as friends, but I totally trust them to never judge any of the decisions I make in life (unless they are totally stupid and ridiculous, and then they will just let me have it). Mind you, not all of the people I socialized with were winners. I had a few test drives before I found my friends, my major, and my life path. Now throw in some sexual assault, misogyny, a culture that breeds an unequal power dynamic, and some freezing New England weather; and that’s just a recipe for disaster. I know everyone flails in college, but I feel I especially had a rough time finding myself. I look back with a little regret. I wish I did more and got drunk less. I wish I tried more new things instead of worrying if I looked cool.
I had a really good weekend. I spent time with people who I enjoy and it was a wonderful time. In college I was too busy getting drunk and having unsatisfying make outs with unsatisfying men. But at reunion, I did it my way.
Not like I don’t fall back into that every now and again. Please, I think life is a daily struggle between yourself and your demons. Mine happen to be insecurity and men. However, now I am totally fine being the quirky kinky mixed-ethnic goofball hottie that I am today, back then…not so much.
I know I talk a lot about my mother, but I feel some of her insecurities seeped into me. I know she tried, and I thank her and commend her for what she has done, but I also think about how I will be when I have daughters.
On my way to my reunion she tells me not to drink (yeah that’s not going to happen) and not to have sex with anyone so it won’t wind up on You Tube (I think she recently discovered it, there must have been a Dateline special or it was on The View). She just never gets it, she should have said, have a very good time, say hello to your friends and enjoy being able to reconnect to people you met during the most weird and tumultuous time of your life. But instead I get, why do you want to go there, what do these people mean to you, would they even notice if you weren’t there and don’t be a drunk slut.
I was a little unsure in college and not very self aware, it took me awhile to grow into my skin and I found college to be a little overwhelming and intimidating. This was the first time I experienced such extreme elitism and money and it was so foreign to me. Some people looked so at ease in college, either in the classroom (which I wasn’t) or socially (which I tried) but I just always felt I was one step behind, so to make up for that I probably did a few things or a few people that I regret.
And so I was telling her that it went well, that I was happy with where I was in life and that I looked good! So maybe it was me instead of them. Maybe I was the one who was so insecure that it showed and people didn’t know how to relate to me. That is a possibility, maybe I just judged too quickly that someone so different just couldn’t understand and therefore I made the decision to not try before they could have the opportunity to reject me. And what is my mother’s response
“Well maybe you were just acting like a loud Puerto Rican”
Now how is someone supposed to be proud of their heritage when their mother and link to their Latin culture despises it so?
I was never a loud Puerto Rican. I was an insecure sad awkward girl who wasn’t proud or comfortable of any of her ethnicities and therefore could never take pride in my Puerto Rican-ness since it was never something I understood. I was never a loud Puerto Rican, I was a girl who obviously looked different but never was taught to love that difference.
Now, I am trying to work through it all. Figure out what it means to be me. Going to college brought back some hard memories. Stepping up to [redacted] fraternity, my chest began to constrict. I was too drunk to think straight, and all those years of building myself up, I came crumbling down. I was that insecure freshman again.
I was a freshman, he was a sophomore, he told people he took my virginity, I countered with a personal e-mail telling him he had a small penis.
Now how was I supposed to know that would mean social suicide?
As a stood there hugging my cardigan to my body listening to some guy I had never met tell me I was a slut and a perverted kinky bitch who licks cum off guys chests (See the older M. Leah would have said “hell yeah I did, what you jealous?” But 19 yr old M. Leah was mortified), I broke a little on the inside. My façade came crumbling down. You go to college to reinvent yourself, my performance was just called out and it was still the first month. Almost nine years later it all came back to me as I walked up those steps for probably the hundredth time since, but this time with a little reflexivity and a whole lot more self awareness and confidence, I just didn’t want to do it. Standing around awkwardly in a male dominated space just had no appeal to me, so I did what I never would have done back then; I left.
I think college sucked in a lot of ways, but I wouldn’t be where I am if it wasn’t for that, and honestly I can’t complain too much. I had a good time for most of it, but I’m glad it’s in the past. I live in a different world now, one that doesn’t revolve around trust funds and summer homes in the cape or out on the island. I didn’t go to college to be exposed to a larger social network of eligible wasp husbands. I went to find myself. I think I did.
(More on the career path of my peers later)

Why I need a boyfriend part 1:

2008-05-29T11:57:00.000-07:00

For some reason I’m all about the serials these days. I was going to call this reason no. 1 why I need a boyfriend, but then I realized that this is not the best way to start out my reasons. These are not weighted, so number one has no more significance than number 45 (and oh yes, there will be many, reasons why I need one and what sort of characteristics he must have to keep my interest).

I want to have a g-spot orgasm. I’m in awe. I’ve read Marcelle; she has them all the time! And according to my Internet research (and you know you should always believe everything you read on the internet). All women are capable of squirting. I want to do it! Apparently the porn I have been getting off to lately is called “squirt bukkake”. It’s a whole different genre than bukkake porn. I like the name-calling, I like the mess, and I like the humiliation. I want to be the one asking “you like that, don’t you, you want me to come all over your face. Make you wet and dirty”.
I want to combine that with acts of actual penetration (which since this porn is geared for men, they just show women squirting, its like the new money shot; complete with faux authenticity). I want someone who is willing to go slow and practice and work, wait work (emphasis please) to get me there. According to the shit I’ve been reading its like training for a marathon. You need to work on your kegels and work up to squirting. With the assistance of a nice man, a g-spot stimulating dildo, plastic covering and some time I have supreme faith. I can get there.

can we also call it something else? I am not a fan of the word squirt. It's too atonal and harsh.

Part II

2008-05-29T11:41:00.002-07:00

Yeah, sorry guys, I don’t see myself writing what went down between me and the boy. It’s emotional, personal and now too much time has passed for me to just write it and not add commentary. I haven’t really spoken to the boy since and I think it’s best if I just move on. It was necessary though, I feel ok about what happened. At one point I had him blindfolded on his stomach. It was pretty gorgeous, I like to be the one gazing, why does it always have to be the male gaze? He looked vulnerable and pretty, but it wasn’t fully there yet. He is the perfect type for my sort of ideal dominance. He’s long and lean and has beautiful features. Being able to focus on them singularly was very enjoyable. He has a gorgeous but small-ish cock that I can handle for many rounds and I cant stop touching him. I think we were trying too hard, and while it worked…since we will never discuss what we liked and what we didn’t; there is no room to grow. I wanted to hit his face (I’m a fan of the face slapping I realize) and he wanted me to spank him. If there was more communication beforehand, we could have worked something out. Not that I didn’t like the spanking, I just didn’t think the power came from me. He took control from the bottom, meh.

Seeing THE boy, first installment

2008-05-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

We met on a street corner. He was coming from a full day of work. I was coming from half a bottle of wine with dinner for courage and an energy drink to combat the time difference
The entire week I was preparing for this, I hadn’t seen him in over a year. I didn’t know how things would go. Would he still be interested, would I?
I told all my friends not to worry, this is just drinks, that’s it. We’re two old friends catching up after 5 years of a tumultuous relationship consisting of fantasy and disappointment. This was just a drink, catch up and then walk away so I can go live my life; closure.
The second I saw him all that shit went out of the window. I knew exactly what I was doing that evening, I was fucking him. We walked to a bar downtown; he’s holding a briefcase. I make some snotty comment about him having a real job and needing a briefcase; he counters my snotty remark by showing me the contents of his briefcase. Half a Subway sandwich. His attaché is a lunchbox.
He takes me to one of those fancy nightclubs that most cities have. According to my friend, it’s the swankiest place downtown. To me, it just seems like all the other generic nightclubs I have been to. Dark maroon walls, gothic/modern binary, $10 drinks, too loud music, bottle service. It’s a Thursday and the place is quiet when we get there. After our first drink the after work crowd has landed and the music is thumping and the bottle service is pushing in on our little corner. He’s trying to impress me; this is what he thinks I’m into. I do, a little, and I’m flattered he was trying to pick a meeting spot that he thought I would enjoy, although I would have preferred a little hole in the wall where we could talk, snuggle and perhaps get a little inappropriate.
We’re sitting too close, like people who want to get inside each other. I’m probably smiling too much. We make small talk, school, his job, funny stories. I laugh too much and he moves in closer, putting his hand around my shoulders. I look up into those green eyes and smile. I want to do this, I can’t do this; I’m going to do this.
I want to stay like this forever, the tension, the ease. We’re old friends and shy (yet freaky) lovers. I want to hold his face; I want to gently touch every part of his body and then hit him so hard so he can finally feel what it’s like to love him. I want to do all of this right here in this yuppie bar.
I want a quiet booth where we can flirt and catch up. I ask him if he knows anywhere near here where we can get a beer that doesn’t cost $7, I feel like a PBR.
“Well there is a bar by my apartment”
Now I know his apartment isn’t close, this is not a hop skip and a jump. This is a $25 cab ride or a 30 min train ride. I make a face at him that basically translates to “oh really?” He gets a little flustered; maybe worried that he misread my signals. Now, I wish I can say no to him, have some backbone, prove to him that he’s not always on my mind. But at that moment all I want to do is see him naked, see what underwear he has under his baggy business casual.
“I’ll drive you back in the morning…”
He says please and of course I relent. We leave the bar holding hands, I lean into him for support; he gives it. I want this forever, walking confidently next to him, at his side. His hands are large and his fingers wrap around mine protectively, tender yet strong.
I love his hands, I hate mine. Mine are spindly and look like old lady hands. They’re small and jointy. Hs hands are long, surprisingly gentle and soft for all the sports he plays. His hands represent him entirely. They’re long and delicate; yet look like they would be at home doing manual labor.
We’re walking through the city hand in hand, talking about everything…nothing. I just remember that I was touching him. I get so emotional around him because its so fleeting and I have such intense feelings.
We go back to the apartment he shares with 3 other people. I’m loud, I’m always loud, and I can’t help it. Especially when I’m slightly nervous, I turn loud and flirty. I get like national anthem at a baseball game loud. He keeps shh-ing me, I tickle him and nuzzle my head into his chest; it’s where I reach. He wraps his hands around me and we stand in his small kitchen, my head on his chest. I think we both needed some tenderness, closeness: intimacy. I always wonder how a boy like this likes me. I’m not ugly, but girls fawn over him. It feels comfortable, but there is always that insecurity whispering in my ear.
We grab an large bottle of cheap white wine and two glasses and head to his room. He puts music on, lights some candles and we sit in the glow, shadows jumping off our faces
The rest is hard to write. I of course ruin the mood and get serious. I love this kid, I love being with him and sometimes I can’t keep my trap shut and just enjoy the moment. He says all the right things, but at this point who knows if it’s the wine, the late hour, or his hard on talking.
To be continued…

My friends are beginning to get married

2008-05-08T11:13:00.000-07:00

I’m a wee bit lonely. Not that I don’t have activities I can do to fill my days. I truly do enjoy spending time alone. Hanging out can be a lot of work sometimes and it makes me tired and weary. I love people, I love socializing, but there are times when you want to be able to sit in your pajamas. There are only a few people I feel comfortable with getting comfortable (does that make sense?). I am ready to find that person whom I’m attracted to but can also be included in alone time. I am looking for someone to share downtime with. I want to be able to laugh so hard, I know I look funny. I want to be able to try some new sexual position or even just work out to an exercise video with them in the room and not be nervous that I 1- look stupid 2- might fart.
I think that’s love; being around someone who enjoys life so much, the big events and the small, that you don’t mind occasionally looking funny in front of. You find their funny faces endearing and they find yours cute. I think they call this intimacy.
I’ve had this with some friends over the years, that level of closeness. I let my guard down, don’t worry about being around them makeup-less and laugh until I almost pee. I want this with someone who I can also fuck. I want the added bonus of regular sex that most definitely includes funny faces and weird noises. I want my needs to be your wants, and your wants to be my needs. I want us both to be able to hold that warm squishy center that is vulnerability and finally break down all my walls.
My friends are beginning to get married, and I am worried I am either going to be alone forever or will have to start settling.

Weekend Getaway

2008-05-05T19:22:00.000-07:00

I saw the boy this weekend. THE boy, original boy. That kid rocks my socks off. It's so easy to fall back into him. Will give details once I can think about it .

Are you my orgasm?

2008-04-30T17:32:00.001-07:00

My orgasm was lost. I don’t know where it went, but for a month and a half it was gone. I checked under the sofa cushions and in all my purses, still no orgasm. Seriously though, it was gone, and I actually didn’t notice for a while which was actually pretty odd. I don’t have a regular sexual partner right now so that might be contributing, but I still like to masturbate. While I was enjoying some great sexual fantasies, I never got my rocks off! I can think my way into some great situations and sexploitations but I can’t write my conclusion. I would try to masturbate, but would get bored halfway through and fall asleep; it was just taking too long. I didn’t notice it until recently when it happened again but it was in the afternoon and I already had my nap of the day, so going to sleep just seemed silly. I had to do something, but once you start worrying about something, especially an orgasm, it makes it harder to achieve. I had to do something, I couldn’t just wait for it to come back, I needed to have my orgasm back.
I’ve went to the tried and true place for quick solo sex; Internet porn. But no, it wasn’t doing it. It usually sucks, I’m not a big staged porn fan, but you can find a few gems of some good fucking. As long as the woman looks like she’s wet; I enjoy watching it. I think it’s so hard to fake real stimulation that when someone looks like they are enjoying getting banged, then I can use that to stimulate myself.
But nothing was doing it! Have my tastes become more discriminating? Those lesbian porns are just way too staged, it makes me sick actually. When you can tell they are just doing it for the paycheck it makes me feel dirty. Although I do like the ones that are blatant in their exposure, I like to know you are filming smut and that everyone in the room knows that you are doing something taboo for the world to see. I have a problem with a lot of the femdom stuff too, no one looks happy in those. I want you to be doing it because you get off on being an exhibitionist, not because you need the paycheck and have loose morals. It always looks too clinical and staged, like a bad play. I know I just contradicted myself, I like blatant plays, not badly staged ones. When they look like they’re enjoying fucking, both the man and the woman (or whatever combo) you can tell. (Well, I can) Even the amateur stuff, which used to be enough, looks too scripted. Sadly this opening of the sex industry to amateurs due to the Internet has created a whole new industry that has now also becoming commodified. There are woman who know they can make cash in amateur porn, (Talking to you Cordelia from bad girls!) and they try to look the part, it ruins it. Sorry all you “amateur” porn sites. And while I am ranting, European porn doesn’t do it for me either, yet again it makes me feel dirty since I know these women are being exploited. And not in a good way.
BUT
I came across this one website. Mind you I didn’t do any of the reading when I opened the page, I just went straight for the clips. They had potential, one woman had her legs spread and was masturbating while another woman had her nails wrapped through this guy’s wet curls holding his head close to her exposed crotch. He wasn’t too bad to look at and, wait…woah. This might work. They called him names, a gaggle of women could be heard in the background, teasing and taunting. The woman looked excited, she pushes him around and he looks like he enjoys it. He does as he’s told. He kisses her boots, he stares at her cunt, he moves his head when the woman holding him pushes it in a direction. The woman comes on his face, he’s dripping, she then grabs his head pulls him closer and smacks him across the face. (My personal favorite face slap, the hair hold and cheek slap) She smacks him while calling him a sick fuck, he agrees. I think I found my orgasm.
Then, when the afterglow is over I read the site….
eeeew bukakke, eeeeewww what is this shit?!?! To urban dictionary I go. I’ve heard the term being thrown around but this didn’t fit my understanding of the term. I thought it’s a girl who likes facials and being a cum slut. And according to the wise world of urban dictionary I am not off the mark. How can they be selling this femdom as bukakke because she has a g-spot orgasm and squirts on his face (oh, did I forget to mention that part, he’s wet for a reason). To my knowledge, those orgasms are hardest to fake, so that was a plus. And he was totally enjoying being called nasty and dirty and he WAS nasty and dirty, covered and wet…and gorgeous. He was wet and nasty and had big ole dopey sub eyes.
So now I’m torn by finding this incredibly hot, the submission, his doe eyes, the vulgarity of it, but I was also disgusted and skeeved, eeeew bukake. Don’t congressmen admit to shit like that during sex scandals?
I still don’t want to pee on people, I have problems peeing without putting the faucet on, and as someone who is anally clean, it just doesn’t look appealing.
Facials, not my bag either I don’t want cum in my eye or on my body, its sticky.
So why did I like this so much?
It didn’t look overdone, and the people involved were enjoying it, and the man was on his knees and cute and sadly covered in something drippy, I didn’t pay for the film, no need, I just needed a boost.
And that got me off,

Sexified Disney

2008-04-17T12:11:00.001-07:00

You need to check this out:
http://zona-erogena2.blogspot.com/2008/04/los-hroes-disney-en-ropa-interior.html

Male disney characters as underwear models.
check out the major heat they're packing....**drool

is it wrong to be turned on by a cartoon?

I like Prince Erik's cocky shit eating grin. But that leather arm band on Prince Philip from Sleeping Beauty is just gorgeous.

A lil' Jesus

2008-04-17T06:24:00.001-07:00

I received an email the other day. It was a forward that was sent to me twice by two different groups of college friends. It was an email from a girl who is now engaged to an alumnus of my undergraduate institution. It was two detailed emails she sent her friends about how she met her now fiancé and how he proposed. There were tons of Jesus references and they both apparently really love God. He proposed by quoting her scripture. Now, don’t get me wrong, this is definitely not the way I see my proposal going, if someone started quoting bible versus to me, they would be met with a blank stare and wonderment in my part about how we got this far as a couple. But it really bothered me. I was excited when I received this now viral forward that has been sent through her undergraduate institution, their alumni as well as mine. I was expecting something incredibly damaging, but then once I read it, I just felt dirty.
I want to be able to practice me sexual life in private (well besides blogging) and the fact that people from both of their colleges as well as random friends throughout the continental United States and I’m sure some Western European countries now know the most special and private moment of their lives together. Yes she called her friends her “soul sisters” and yes he did quote scripture in his proposal, and yes she is waiting until marriage to have sex which explains why they have only been dating for seven months, but that’s up to them. There were comments attached to this email from people who had forwarded it, chiming in on her religiosity and stupidity. I participated in this sort of thing in high school and college, public shaming of people’s private lives, and I’m not doing it as an adult. And I thought my friends were bigger than that too, I guess not.
The comments by random people who are not part of their lives are despicable; people mentioning their divorce, how funny this is, how you will need a barf bag to read her obviously happy email concerning what to her is probably the happiest day of her life.

Little excerpt:
"Bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh."

These words were the first words Adam said to Eve (Genesis 2:23). The first words spoken from a man to his wife. Essentially saying, God has made you to be a part of me and me to be a part of you.

I think its quite lovely and I can only think about what these two are going through now that they know that they are being publicly mocked for their belief in God and their desire to be together. It’s not my cup of tea, but if I want my sexual choices accepted I will accept the choices of others. This includes the pregnant man on Oprah and his family to this religious couple who want to celebrate their love by saying it was God’s will. I don’t want to sound like I am scolding my friends, or lose them because I refuse to participate in this sort of behavior anymore, but I am not about humiliating people for their choices no matter what side of the spectrum they fall under.

Mile High Club

2008-04-07T15:16:00.001-07:00

I need to be honest, the reason I haven’t been writing is partly due to the fact I didn’t want to admit some things to myself. The new boy, the one who looked so promising is not exactly the best person in the world. He is very perceptive and knows the things about myself that I might not be 100% comfortable with and uses them against me. I know my flaws, I don’t need to be reminded of them constantly. That is not healthy, and makes me feel really awful. I am limiting what little contact I have with him and trying to expand my options. I think I just need to not think about men, a hiatus if you will. Like primetime network programming (but its soooo hard!!!)

So with no men to regularly keep me warm at night, I have done what I do best. Retreat into fantasy.

On the way back from WMC I sat across from the most delicious man. I’m from the tri-state area (NY, NJ, CT), I’m not going to give you more details, but coming from a suburb outside of Manhattan I am very familiar with a certain type of man. They are incredibly vulnerable, yet like to appear hard. So, on my flight, hopped up on xanax and a glass of red wine, I stared at this guy for the entire flight. Thank god he slept most of the time or he would have thought I was a pervert (ok, I am a little).
He’s probably in his 20s, I’d say of Italian descent (not real Italian, NY/NJ/CT Italian, a different breed all together), shaved head, roman profile with deep brown eyes and long almost feminine lashes. He actually looks like an ex boyfriend, but better, bigger, sweeter. He’s wearing a white t-shirt, bright shockingly white Nikes, and jeans, just a hint of a tribal band tattoo peeking out of his sleeve. Large flashy watch dangling on his left wrist with thick fingers that look like they either work for a living or are calloused from the gym, probably a little of both. I would say not taller than 5’10”. His mouth is slightly open as he tries to sleep in the small airplane seat. I open my mouth unconsciously, then realize I just did that and blush. His lips are full with a slight upturn on the left side. I am a sucker for that Italian asshole snarl and he has it in spades. I want that smile, with the left side turned up, that cocky demeanor over me. I want that mouth smirking at me while I’m being fucked hard and good. There is something to be said for a cocky attitude and shit-eating grin that gets me all the time.
I fantasize about running my hands over his arms tracing his tattoo, looking for more, maybe something on his back, calf, I want to look everywhere. Running my hands and nails over his buzzed head tracing down the back of his nape, making him shiver. They appear tough, but nothing gets this type like a little seduction. I would scratch a little and run my thumb over his lower lip and watch him smile under my finger, straddling him while I felt the softness of those full lips. I would slowly make circles with my hips, nothing too noticeable, balancing my weight, only lightly touching him. I would Grab the back of his neck and bring that cocky mouth close to mine, forcing it into silence as I kiss him gently then taking liberties, and use more force pull him closer with my hand behind his neck all the while grinding harder and lower into his crotch, feeling his cock through his jeans. I would move back and take him in, running my hands up and down his body, feeling that soft tanned olive skin. I would smile, giving him a snarl of my own. I lift his white t-shirt over his head deeply inhaling his cologne and natural male smell. It would be Aqua or Angel for men or one of those other fragrances that guys like that always like to wear, something slightly musky and overbearing. Just like his watch, overly flashy. I squirm in my seat as I stare at him as he scratches his head from front to back.
I would lift myself off his crotch gently playing with the waistband of his jeans. He tries to help, eagerly moving his hands closer fumbling with his buttons. I give him a look and move his hands away, placing one on my lower back, the other at his side. I run my hands over his chest, pushing slightly not saying anything but letting him know, this is my show. His hands go where I want them. He growls deep in his throat and moves close to my neck, biting me hard. I moan and try not to fall back onto his crotch. I wrap my hand around his neck keeping him firmly in place as I open his fly with the other hand, freeing his cock from his boxer briefs. He starts whispering dirty things into my ear, moving his free hand down my collarbone. I wrap my small hand around his fat cock. It’s not large but its thick. I get chills as I feel my shirt move down and feel each finger as it grazes my chest. He unzips my shirt exposing my bra. He looks in my eyes as he teases the skin right above the cup of my left breast. I squeeze his cock and reach lower massaging his balls. The anticipation is killing me, for all my big talk and attitude, I want this to end soon, I need to come. I move trying to get his hand to touch my nipple; I want those rough fingers to touch all the sensitive places on my body. He looks at my breast and then up at me through those long brown eyelashes, maintaining eye contact he runs his hand from my collarbone to my breast, cupping it then using his thumb to circle my nipple then pinch it gently. My eyes roll back in my head and he steadies me with the hand that still sits on my lower back and he laughs a little to himself.
Shit, he wakes up…. does he know I am picturing us almost fucking? Am I blushing? He adjusts himself, stretches I realize I am holding my breath like he can read my thoughts. He places one hand on his inner thigh and I know my mouth is open now, possibly drooling as the stewardess collects my empty tomato juice. He’s wearing a chain, I wonder if it holds dog tags or a cross. I want to find out, reach into that soft white shirt and pull them out and wrap the chain tightly around his neck and nibble from ear to collar bone. I want to feel those arms wrap around me as he pulls me close, removes my bra. (While I was staring at the real man, the fantasy M Leah removed her pants and panties). I lower myself feeling him slowly enter me and wonder if anyone else on the plane thinks it’s getting hot in here. He leans me back then lowers his head to my nipple and sucks on it using his teeth to bite every now and again. His cock is pushing out of his jeans and his black boxer briefs and as I lower myself I can feel both fabrics, the scratchy denim and the soft cotton on my thighs. I use my thighs to steady the pace, feeling every inch of him. I wonder if the guy sitting next to me knows what’s going on in my head right now, that I am having dirty wild monkey sex.

It kind of reminded me of this:

My Miami-vention

2008-04-04T04:30:00.001-07:00

After a rough couple months (still not over sadly) I am feeling good. I went to WMC (Winter Music Conference) in Miami this past weekend and had a blast. I went by myself and stayed with college friends who live in the area. This was my favorite part of the weekend.

sigh

A little history lesson

2008-03-21T07:39:00.001-07:00

I came across this juicy tidbit on Wikipedia (not the best source, but a great place to get some quick info)
“In his essay Coldness and Cruelty, (originally Présentation de Sacher-Masoch, 1967) Gilles Deleuze rejects the term 'sadomasochism' as artificial, especially in the context of the prototypical masochistic work, Sacher-Masoch's Venus In Furs. Deleuze instead argues that the tendency toward masochism is based on desire brought on from the delay of gratification. Taken to its extreme, an infinite delay, this is manifested as perpetual coldness. The masochist derives pleasure from, as Deleuze puts it, The Contract: the process by which he can control another individual and turn the individual into someone cold and callous. The Sadist, in contrast, derives pleasure from The Law: the unavoidable power that places one person below another. The sadist attempts to destroy the ego in an effort to unify the id and super-ego, in effect gratifying the most base desires the sadist can express while ignoring or completely suppressing the will of the ego, or of the conscience. Thus, Deleuze attempts to argue that Masochism and Sadism arise from such different impulses that the combination of the two terms is meaningless and misleading.”
Let me summarize according to Deleuze the masochist’s desire comes from delayed gratification and the contract, basically he is topping from below, turning the sadist into a big ole meanie. The sadist gets pleasure from the law, (how this is different from the contract…I do not know). There are boundaries and rules and the sadist enjoys engaging in behavior that silences their conscience and they get to act like a big meanie.
This is just plain silly in my opinion. Deleuze does not believe that the masochist and the sadist need each other since they rely on different impulses. I say I really don’t think so. The sadist enjoys walking that fine line of naughty behavior and enjoying your taking of that behavior. (Well I do) the masochist AND the sadist both like the delay in gratification. (The fucking…duh…it’s like tantric sex, just without all the weird sounding breathing and relationship to yoga). I really think this misses the boat. The sadist AND the masochist enjoy engaging in behavior that society sees as taboo. BOTH use societal cues and props to enact sexual play that engages in given power dynamics for mutual delayed gratification, titillation and a better orgasm.
While I do think he hits on a few points, rules and structure and contracts are appealing. I do love some planning; I am pretty anal. There is something to be said about a well thought out scene complete with props and steps and stages. It seems orderly yet is all dirty sexual messy, a nice dichotomy.
I think there are multiple reasons why individuals engage in sadist or masochistic sexual practices. Just read all the sex blogs out there and you can see this. There are multiple reasons and thoughts going through both participants heads. And one of them is the confusing idea that this fucked up shit might actually turn you on. And that in itself is an existential arm wrestle that gets me off.

Apologies

2008-03-21T07:38:00.000-07:00

I've been swamped with work. About to be ABD (for all those of you in the grad student know)
send me positive vibes on Monday!!
posts resuming starting today!

xoxo

Peeny Accessories

2008-03-09T17:46:00.000-07:00

Men are like snowflakes, they are all different and each one requires their own schema concerning how I see them fitting into my ideas of power and domination. It doesn’t help that the commodities associated with such “lifestyles” are so limiting and scarily (I guess that’s the point) clinical looking.
This new boy caused me pause. I had to reorganize and recreate my ideas on what it means to dominate in relation to the options available. I still like to be in charge, but this guy brings out the little vulnerable girl in me and while I still want control, I also want to be able to feel his strength and his size (specifically on top of me). I had to change my ideas of what it meant to dominate a person with such a dominant personality.
So what does this mean?
There are still things I will always find exciting, like men in crisp white underwear, and this one is no exception. He’s gorgeous and tall and is like an overgrown puppy with his movements, constantly running into things not really comfortable with his size yet still very graceful. It’s a lovely mix and I truly enjoy watching him just walk around in his underwear.
HOWEVER, I would be willing to engage in some CBT. Training wheel CBT, I have to take this slow.
This one has such a fucking gorgeous penis. I want to bronze it. It’s gigantic and I feel like such a cock fiend. I am one usually, but when one so adequately satiates, it’s hard to NOT think about it. Its like that perfect combination of feeling filled yet slightly too much. Its one of those dicks that you have to make sure you are nice and wet or its just going to hurt. And sex games are a great way to make sure that’s the case!
This specific cock is begging for bells and whistles in the form of black leather and brushed nickel (no shiny metal here please!) as well as nice stingy hitty objects. He is always hard and always ready to go. Its gorgeous, its big its thick it has a nice feel to it. Did I also mention he’s uncircumcised? He’s so sensitive yet has enough shaft to make it truly interesting. Its durable and sturdy, responsive, large and soft just like him.

Where I want to control him is his cock. I want that cock for myself and I want to play with it and decorate it and hurt it and suck it and most definitely fuck it as many ways as humanly possible and then even some man made options.

I want to hit him (and he’s asked for it, back when we were fucking and still butt crazy about each other) on his cock. Something small and whippy I think. I don’t want to kick him in the balls or anything, I want him to lie down on his back and let me play. I have no interest in wrapping his cock in enough rope that it looks like a mummy, or squishing his balls so that they look like little grapes.

No, I want to give him light quick lashes around the shaft of his cock while I also delicately flick over the head with my tongue. Giving him glimpses into the sting contrasting pleasure with pain, delicate kisses with intense quick sharp pain. Fuck a dog collar, I want a cock collar ☺. Something leather, and black, this one can handle black leather, oh did I also mention I want to slowly graze my nails over it?
I want him to lie on his back, wearing a t-shirt and his boxer briefs. I want to remove his underpants, I want him to watch. I want him to stay still, just watch while I play and watch his face wince and smile and see his eyes roll back in his head.
I was looking through some sex toy sites and came up with a few starter options.
I want a cock leash, that thing looks awesome

http://www.stockroom.com/KinkLab-Buckling-Cock-Ring-and-Chain-Leash-Set-P2797.aspx

Look how cute that looks? And it has a serious buckle on it; there is nothing more fantastic than a large cock that you can buckle into a leash. I am 100% confidant that I would have to bypass the first few notches and that would be so much fun.

http://www.stockroom.com/Aluminum-Head-Ring-P419.aspx

I also would be interested in these aluminum colorful cock head rings, they are so cute! I’m thinking I would go for purple, and honestly wear it around my neck during the times its not around his dick. Just to keep a little piece of him close to me.

http://www.stockroom.com/Head-Ring-with-Ball-P2312.aspx

That one also looks pretty. I like the ball on it, would make sex even more fun. But as I still have a problem taking his entire dick, I don’t think I need the ball right now…baby steps.

Not going to post the pictures because in case small children stumble upon this site.

How great are these?!?! Seriously, not too expensive yet I think the perfect embellishment for the perfect penis. I wish the one with the ball came in colors. I think I would go for blue. This would be so much fun to put on, and so much fun to feel during sex. Not to mention it’s pleasing to the eye and gives the cock just a little extra something I always think a perfect cock needs. It’s like the perfect accessory always makes the wearer look better, not overwhelming or overdone, just perfectly coiffed.

I’m taking my obsession with cock slowly though, and am going to fully enjoy each new toy as it comes along and I figure out if I like it. So while this might sound pretty tame to true CBT enthusiasts, I guess you have to start somewhere and I am going to start with some pretty penis decoratives.

My relationship w. men, does he exist?

2008-03-02T16:36:00.000-08:00

So, I’m back. While the new boy is still in my life I guess, I am not stressing anymore. I know I am pretty fantastic (most of the time), I have come to terms with most of my flaws, and am not going to let someone use those against me. He’s not fucking raspberry Snapple either so he can suck it. It also helps that he still thinks about me, I need to remember that, it’s one of my charms. For some reason I have a lasting power and a long shelf life, this is why I have a stable. Sadly I’m not interested in a stable anymore…I want something stable (come on, that was funny!)
I started trying to deconstruct myself and my interactions with men:
Sex and relationships ARE mental for me. The new boy touched on one of my major insecurities, which is I’m Insecure!!(no shit!) Isn’t everyone? There is a part of femdom I like because it’s validating, but I like that in life too. I like to be validated for the things I do, what is wrong with that or wanting that in your partner? I have a tendency to be needy. I am incredibly giving to the point of sacrifice but it comes with wide eyes and a desire to be wanted. And if you reciprocate it’s a turn on! I want to be told I’m pretty and that excites me. But nothing too saccharine, honest comments and understanding of my being are like butter. I never saw myself as a pretty child and while I received peer validation for school, looks were always something I was insecure about. Like most high achieving women I have painful insecurities about some aspect of life where I don’t feel I have full control of outcomes.
The way I deal with that; I enact my ability to control in sexual play, but with this I also enjoy some deference. It’s a typical female insecurity that manifests itself in a desire to hit men and be an object of slight adoration
Because of this insecurity I demand a level of engagement that I guess can be called submission. And the new boy is right; because of this I am also not 100% comfortable with letting go. But I haven’t had any success in explaining this standpoint and then getting what I want which makes it harder to share or “come out” the next time around.
So with new boy, I share this, how while I want certain things, I might not have really “let go”, I’m anal and an overachiever, why is this something that comes as a surprise? And what do I get back? What I wanted was a little encouragement, maybe some support and a certain kind of acceptance where I’m folded in and supported. He gave me back sarcasm and an inability and unwillingness to provide that necessary cushion.
For me to be the dominant self I see in my dreams requires a man who is able to hold me after and give me free reign to take that stage. Instead of holding it against me that I can’t do that myself. My shell has worked for a very long time, respect that.
I have a desire to see a man on his knees, I have a desire to tease and hit and bite and caress and hold; but to do that I need the level of attention and admiration that borders on parasitic. Does that make me crazy? I’m emotionally needy, I’m never had a long term relationship and I want one. But its still female dominance, its female power, with your help. I am insecure; I get uncomfortable in the male gaze. While I like it, it also makes me feel exposed. I want someone to manage that exposure to allow me to express my dominance and be supportive. Does this make any sense at all? Does this exist?

Still not ready

2008-02-27T19:25:00.000-08:00

since this is kind of how I'm feeling these days, I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it critically yet. I don't like to use this blog as my bitchfest (that's what friends are for!), you don't need to hear my whining. Things aren't even going with the new guy. It's really sad too, I kind of got swept up in him. I feel like I did in middle school and liked a boy, its incredibly unnerving. Until I can think about it without hyperventilating and wanting to key his car, ham his house and cry all at the same time I don't want to touch this subject. My sex drive is nil since I can only think about him, and I don't even feel comfortable letting him touch me in my fantasies. Sorry for the sex blog without any sex bloggin'
I'll be back soon, I hate being this lame, which makes it worse, I get into this spiral of self hatred BUT I will pull out of it, there is only so much self loathing I can take.

Days go by and still I think of you:

2008-02-19T12:39:00.001-08:00

I’m having a hard time posting (if you haven’t noticed). I don’t know how this new relationship is going, but either way I feel like I am loosing my footing and feel dislodged. What I do not know if is this is love, or if this is toxic.
And I don’t want to cut and run, because I don’t want to reify the situation and prove his feelings about me. I am just so freaking confused. When I have the ability to explain better, I will try.

Oprah is ruining my relationship with my mother.

2008-02-19T06:41:00.000-08:00

My mother gets most of her understanding of the world from “The View” and “Oprah”. Which means my mother’s mothering technique of her adult aged daughter involves discussing pertinent topics raised by self-help books and catch phrases by Dr. Phil et al. While I try to listen to her, there are some times when I just snap. There are just so many times I can hear “you teach people how to treat you”, and “he’s just not that into you”. Maybe I should just learn not to share with my mother. But habits die hard even when they always lead to fights, her hanging up the phone on me, and me feeling like I slighted her and feel responsible and guilty.
I do not care if he’s just not that into me most of the time. Honestly I probably care even less. He’s a warm body until something better comes along; now try explaining that to your mother. Already older than she was when she had me, explaining the delay of marriage and family to my mother is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to my dog. She wants a successful daughter, but for her, she thinks you can have it all, but still in a particularly domestic fashion. This means I should become an attorney and in her universe attorneys are allowed to not work for 6 years until their children are old enough to enter the school system.
Her most recent lecture involves giving me the gift of fear. Why thank you, but I will have to respectfully decline such a lovely and thoughtful present.
What she is referring to is this new book by Gavin De Becker where he basically states that women are weak and should listen to their inner voice when in situations. While I am not averse to listening to one’s “gut”, I am incredibly dubious of self-help books and their power over people like my mother. By creating a culture of female victims preemptively, what is this saying for female empowerment? What sort of moral panic are we constructing as our starting out point that women need to live in this heightened sense of self-awareness that around every corner lurks a rapist and a murderer. I am not living in victim land population women, nor do I like the position-ality it creates to begin with. I staunchly reject that just being a woman places me in a position of natural victim and obvious prey. While I agree, we need to be aware of the signs around us and the warnings that we are sometimes oblivious to, I do not think anyone needs a “gift of fear”.
A gift of fear, what does that even mean? To be gifted fear, fear of what? Of whom and why? (There are obvious racial and class based problems with this assumption) And what sort of gift is this? Can I exchange it for a gift of self-confidence, or perhaps equality, or maybe even reliable and credible statistics and citations for said book? Fear is an emotion that is culturally constructed. This is just the next moral panic that preys upon women who are already fearful and a society unable to rationalize violence and structural reasoning behind them. We blame individuals not the structures that created them. I am not going to live my life in fear of those who do not have the privileges that I have. I am not going to fear those who are darker skinned or lower class just because society has conditioned me to see that as suspect. This book provides the reader with a worldview that everything in life is meant to be feared, and that by being hyper vigilant you can avoid rape, murder, school shootings, etc. I would prefer the gift of common sense and social awareness.

E-mail Exchange between me and the New Boy

2008-01-29T09:13:00.000-08:00

Me: re: open relationships. I am adamant about not really divulging details on past relationships. I don’t think they do any good except make people jealous. There were people in my past, nothing very serious. I dated etc. But I never really settled down. I held back feelings, I second- guessed myself and I got bored very quickly. If you were a challenge I probably kept up the chase longer, but in the end it wasn't worth it and I wouldn't stick around. I see good qualities in people and there is usually something I can relate to, so I try to figure people out. But I am not going to stick around and be in a relationship just because you like me. I have a friend who loves being in love so much that she constantly goes from crappy serious relationship to another crappy serious relationship. I hesitate to commit because I know that in the end, the reason I like you in the beginning is because its fun and feeling liked is good. But that’s not a reason to continue something, and I wont do that. I want adventure, I want someone to grow with I want to be constantly stimulated (get your mind out of the gutter, I mean life wise) and I just haven’t really settled because I find that hard to find in people and I think also I intimidate. I've been hurt because I try to mold people into the person I see they can become. I've tried to relationship the wrong people and the wrong people have tried to relationship me. This is why what we're doing is so utterly amazing to me. I am enamored and THRILLED with the level of sappy-ness, it makes me happy, and it goes both ways. BUT it's not just initial courtship that I think we are attracted to. I like who you are NOW, but I also see (a little bit, it hasn’t been THAT long that we've been together) where we can grow together as people. I have never really felt that, I might be wrong, who knows. But that's how I feel about you. We think similarly, freakishly so, sex aside we enjoy the same things, and these activities aren't things that wane when the sexual tension diminishes. So there you go, stop being jealous because there has been no one like you, ever.

NB (New Boy): Siiiiiigh... Flutter..... Siiigh, you just did something profound. You told me everything I wanted to know and more without answering the wrong question I posed.

Me: you know how much I want to bone you right now?

NB: Mmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!! NO. But I know how much I want to fuck you senseless and then do it all slow and romantical so's we don't feel too dirty :-))) TELL me how much!

Me: enough that I would be willing to engage in the most embarrassing form of mating, e-mail sex that’s how much, CYBER SEX. So creepy. That is how much I want to bone you right now, its absurd.

NB: I am crazy about you!

Me: I know it hasn't been a long time, and things are moving fast but I just wanted to let you know how much fun I'm having. I think we can have a good time exploring each other’s points on things both intellectually and most certainly in the bedroom. I want you to be able to let me take control, just experience the moment and the happiness that it gives me. I want you to push me, so I can push you harder, take it further, where we both get more of what we want and it only goes up. I am going to go to sleep on this note with thoughts of us fucking on my living room couch.

Smut Meme

2008-01-28T10:38:00.000-08:00

Marcelle tagged me to answer this meme. I looked at the questions and went to town. Please see below. This is from Isabella who created this meme.
All right. Down to business. Here are the rules, per Isabella : You’re welcome to post it on your blogs. You must call it the Smut Meme (obvious reasons, I’d hope), you must link to me in the title, and you must tag 2 people, and link to them as well. Oh, and you must post this little blurb of instructions at the beginning, like I’ve just done. Got it? Ok then. The idea is to pick one or the other, even if you prefer neither. I’ll go first. If you want to play along you can answer the questions in the comments.

1. Chocolate or Whipped Cream: I think chocolate can get messy. For eating I would say Panna Cotta with raspberries. For sex most definitely whipped cream.

2. Leather or PVC: I agree with Marcelle, PVC has a better texture. I love the smell of leather; it smells of wide-open lands and tanned farmhands. BUT PVC has an urban quality to it. It smells like man created it and it has a shinier and more expressive texture. I would go with PVC, but then again it depends on what is made out of each. Collars: leather, PVC: clothing

3. Outdoor Sex or Indoor Sex: Depends on where, there is nothing like the tried and true standard of fucking in a bed. But there is something thrilling about outdoor sex. Indoor sex!

4. In the Jacuzzi or In Bed: Ok, from my limited personal experience sex in water is difficult. What about sex on the edge of the Jacuzzi? I also know that Jacuzzi’s are hotbeds (literally, hee hee) for disease and UTIs, and for someone who just needs to sneeze wrong to get a UTI I try to be careful. So I would go with bed.

5. Bad Sex or No Sex: I have had bad sex, and in each instance would have chosen “no sex” upon further consideration and hindsight.

6. Dominate or Be Dominated: Dominate.

7. Thigh highs or Body stocking: Body stocking? Like full body fishnets? Do you know how hard it is to get fishnets on to begin with and tights in general? I will say thigh highs, I think there is something about that space where they stop and skin begins that is super alluring.

8. Fast or Slow: Slow foreplay, fast hard fucking. (Taken right from Marcelle, I agree 100%)

9. Rough or Gentle: I like it both ways, specifically I enjoy my gentle tender sex to be rough, and I like my rough sex to be tender and gentle. It can, I’m sure you’ve experienced it. When I am being rough physically, I am being tender and giving. Each move is premeditated and I follow it up with soft cooing and tender kisses. Tender sex I like verbally rough, I want you to tell me what you want to be doing when you gently nuzzle the inside of my thigh, I want to hear it in all its dirty word glory.

10. Bite or Suck: I would say nuzzle. And wait, who is doing what? I like to bite. I do not really like to be bitten heavily, it hurts! Is there a word for rub your stubble across my nipple? I choose that.

11. Role-play or Reality: yet again, I need more clarification. My role-playing is real. But I love a good costume and a good show; I would go for Role Play.

12. Dirty Talking or Dirty Talking To: I am such a fan of dirty talk. I love phone sex, I love flirty IM conversations, and I love literary smut. I like to do some talking, but mostly I like to listen to you tell me all the naughty things you want to do to me and then I’ll decide if you will be allowed.

13. Edible panties or No Panties: Aren’t edible panties just like fruit-roll-ups in underwear form? I am not putting pureed, leathered fruit on my vag. No panties are also much more fun. Especially if you are out at an event and then text your boyfriend halfway through the night regarding your lack of underwear. Oh I am SO doing that (note to self)

14. Spanking paddle or Barehanded: I like the sound of both, for me, it all depends on the bruise it can leave and the sound that it makes. Since crop isn't an option, Barehanded.

15. Landing Strip or Kojak: What is a Kojak? Does this make me lame in the sex blog category since I have never heard that term before? I personally like the landing strip. There is something to be said for the veiled beauty of a semi-haired vagina.

16. Multiple Sessions or One Good Fuck: Multiples please!!! If we can keep the intensity I can go all night long, love it!

17. Moaning or Screaming: Moaning. Screaming brings the cops. I also like to make you moan, makes me know I’m doing a good job. I like vocal sex. Screaming, eh, not so much.

18. Older Men or Young Men: How much older? I don’t want to fuck anyone who could be remotely considered in my father’s cohort. No baby boomers and no one with middle school aged children. I prefer around my age and perhaps slightly older. So older.

19. Three-way or No Way: If I was in control of the entire situation, then yes. I am comfortable with a 3 way. It could include any multiple; I’m just not going to lick someone else’s vagina.

20. Swing or No Swinging: This is a hard one for me, for someone who has never really had success with serious relationships I wonder if I am not supposed to be in them. I look to the next conquest. But if you are my partner, you better keep your dick to yourself or I’m cutting it off. I demand emotional monogamy, and sometimes separating sex from feelings is difficult, this could lead to problems. For the sake of all parties and my sanity, No Swinging.

Now I am going to Tag:
Una Ebria
and Unspeakable Axe , I want to hear a Submissive Male's feelings on this.

Chat exchange and sexual play

2008-01-28T05:59:00.000-08:00

NewBoy: you should be loved and treasured...
and fucked savagely

How flipping awesome is that? We had a long conversation last night. Many things came out.
1- he tries to keep me entertained so sometimes he gets a little too snarky when the mood does not call for trash talking.

It truly confused me, I was trying to figure out his take on things. I have skirted around the whole dominance thing with him, but I think with all beginning relationships it requires a nice long talk as to what that means to each person. I like the banter, but I also want to be able to take control without SO much trash talk that I don't feel like I have the upper hand.
Any suggestions?
He also made some comment that he does want me to take control, but I am going to see how that develops, I'm not sure what context he meant it in. Although he did use the word "submit", "control", and "power". Some useful keywords. I'll keep you posted. If anyone knows some beginning games to play and scenes to have, I'm all ears.

After a Storm, there is a rainbow.

2008-01-25T08:15:00.001-08:00

In the past month I have gone through a lot. Thankfully I have been so busy that I really haven’t noticed or have had time to process. I threw myself into work, hobbies and sloughed off my stable. I guess it was my unconscious New Years resolution. I think I needed a serious break to start living my life, I was unconsciously closing myself off I think, or I just wasn’t ready to meet someone special.
I am thoroughly knee deep in serious “like” and it’s rising by the second, I might drown. ;) We’re taking it slow, so no dirty posts for a while (except fantasy and fiction) but I am totally blown away. Is this what it’s supposed to feel like?
He’s in music and I have been trying to get back into it again these days. I was a classical violinist as a child but burnt out after fourteen years of a scheduling that can only be described as grueling. I was being groomed for the biggies, but as a teenager I wanted to experience more than one thing and I rested on my laurels until I finally gave it up. But I am trying to get back and remember what I loved about music to begin with. I know I have said before I love electronic music. Love it. It moves my body and sometimes my soul, I know some people think it’s cheesy and full of losers and druggies but I discovered myself when I discovered house music. I was young, impressionable, sometimes on ecstasy and having a blast. As a musician who loves the power and intensity of symphonic classical music, how could I not fall in love with all the layers of electronic dance music? I could feel through music. Now I want to create that for myself, pull together from all my parts and create something that maybe other people would enjoy just as much. I am a huge fan of dirty, bass thumping on the floor humping nasty lyrics of raw house music, its tough, its fun, it makes me wish I could snarl like Billy idol. Then I like the long trancey progressive sound that’s uplifting, spiritual, and makes you involuntary raise your hands in the air. Sometimes its so good its “oh my fucking god I don’t know if I want to have sex, or cry or dance,” I just feel alive. I want to be able to create that, so I can have something that makes me feel like that. When I want to have those emotions, powerful and floaty, hard core and above it all, sweaty and spiritual, naughty angelic, I can put on something to either bring me back to that on a bad day, or when I am feeling great, make it feel better (if I create this, I will definitely share for all those who like boning to house music).
So back to the story, so he’s in music and he told me he is in the process of actually compiling a mix of all the songs that make him think of me, and by the sounds he usually plays and the person he is, its going to be so spot on.
“I’ll give you that when I’m playing out, you’ll know it’s for you and everyone else just gets to hear it”
Oh my god, where has this one been for so long.

New Years Resolutions

2008-01-18T14:24:00.000-08:00

I never posted my new years resolutions. See above, this is basically it. :)

When tension leads to orgasm.

2008-01-17T12:18:00.000-08:00

It’s going to be slow here at my blogspot, sorry 5 readers. I cut lose MJ and TB stopped talking to me to have a girlfriend (yeah not over that yet) so its all going to be fantasy and conjecture over here.
I project; I do this with all men and all relationships. I see what I want, and then when things settle down and people aren’t on their best dating behavior anymore, I wonder who the hell is this person and why did I let them in my pants?! I jump into sex too quickly because I am a horny mofo, and I am truly deeply in love with courtship. I also find it difficult to control myself once I set my sights on someone, mind you, since I like quirky…this usually ends in extreme disappointment. What I saw as fun when I met them (like let’s say a love of pop culture) turns into a big problem (no job, no direction. Seen every episode of Maury).
There is this boy who I think is cute. We shall call him Fruit (his Halloween costume and our first meeting). Now Fruit has not shown the appropriate level of interest in me. You can tell when someone’s interested and I can’t with him. I think this is just one of those things that once I get him, I’m not going to want him because I am already over critical about his height and his small girly hands. He’s super fun, tells a great story, and generally has a positive attitude, which is really attractive. Because of this: his attitude, his general good looks, and the fact that I think I’m cuter, he should be into me. Which of course, makes me try even harder. He seems fun, and I am in the mood for some fun (i.e. I could possibly play hitty games with him). If sex is fun, I keep you along way past your shelf life too.
This one intrigues me, I always like to see what I can pull off and get away with and he’s playing hard to get. So as circumstances go he wound up back at my place after a night out where we proceeded to play these bizarre I’m going to hang out at your place way too late when I live literally across the hallway. It had to be a sign, right? He doesn’t need to drive home, just take an elevator down 2 flights. But still no direct signals, no unnecessary touching, etc. I was getting frustrated
I leave him on the couch and got ready for bed pissed off and grumbling to myself. He finally wakes up when the TV program he’s watching stops. Now its super late and he finally agrees to come in my bed, don’t do me any 3 am favors. So he finally gets in my bed and I am purposefully sleeping an inch away from his body
Not touching, its driving me crazy, its been awhile since there is been a man in my bed that I wanted and I’m about to snap. And we’re not touching, and I can’t stay still. I writhe close to him a little, and then move away…he adjusts himself, ok so he’s not asleep. Good sign. This continues, I move closer, I move away, he adjusts so the distance is the same again. This went on for maybe five minutes, but it felt like hours. Just the proximity is turning me on. Now, it might have all been me, but the tension was extremely stimulating and infuriating at the same time. But I’m not giving in, he gave no overt sign and I wasn’t going to cave first. He is behind me, and I slowly move back, pressing my backside into him, he’s semi-hard, I smile to myself. Ok, I know how to handle this one, and it’s so easy. I rub slowly into him, to judge exactly what is going on down there; he wraps his hands around me not knowing what to do next. He’s against my back with his dick pressing into me. I don’t touch him though, I have no interest in having sex with him (not anymore, too late for all that energy), I wanted to get off and then go to bed. I had gotten to the point that I had no interest in mutual satisfaction. A wait like that, sheesh! I was getting off thinking about the hard on I wasn’t going to satisfy; and I moaned wrapping one hand around his body and reached for his hand and placed it above my pussy. With his fingers on the outside of my pajama pants I started rubbing up and down, at the same time pressing into his hard on, moving him around my clit, feeling how wet I was, basically masturbating with him, he breathed deeply into my hair and I traced my clit slowly with one of his fingers. I grabbed his hand and pushed it into my pants trying to get them inside of me as fast as I could, of course, he didn’t get it, and tried to take control. Oh no, at this point, your boner and the fact that its almost 4 am gives me permission to get what I want out of this. This is going down my way; I pulled his hand away and wouldn’t move until he stopped. When I replaced his hands he finally got the picture, I wanted it hard and fast and quick. I came around his fingers strong enough to push him out. I sighed gently, removed his hands and moved to my side of the bed. He waited still, wondering what I would do, slowly inching his way over to me placing his dick back into my back urging me, signaling me he was ready for his turn, without turning over I patted his hand three times shimmied out of his grip and went to sleep on my side of the bed. I wonder if this will continue… I need a new playmate.

A new day and some new questions

2008-01-08T06:07:00.000-08:00

With one night behind me, I'm actually feeling better. When I think about it, i still feel like shit, but it also feels kind of freeing and new again. Like the way I look at Monday before I get behind in my work, there is possibility again. I haven't tried truly dating now that I know what I want. Although I feel this might be harder now.
SO besides, tall, dark, handsome, smart, witty, successful I now have to add "want's to get it up the butt by a strap on". (Combined with me wanted to do said activity with said person) This might be difficult.
I also was wondering some logistics- to all the sub men out there and dominant women: How does one hit their partner while having sex with them? Is this a possibility? Do I always have to be on top, is there anyway I can sit back and enjoy the ride and then participate every now and again. There has to be a position to make this possible.
I'm still sad, but whatever...I'm not giving him power over me anymore (I know that sounds weird since he wanted to be my sub, but let's face it, it was true).

When every pore of your body feels like shit.

2008-01-07T21:00:00.000-08:00

I’m feeling vulnerable right now, vulnerable and sad. It’s just a pain in my chest, like heartburn but way worse. It can’t come out yet, it’s one of those hurts where you bottle it up and it won’t break free until you drink and become a hot mess in public, its one of those kind of hurts. The Boy ended things with me. We’ve known each other for 5 years, and through one girlfriend and he thinks he found girlfriend number two, and that’s not me. Honestly, I was beginning to realize it was never going to be me, but I was sure hoping it would be like a movie, and this was our hurdle to overcome before we kiss and lived happily ever after. And I wonder if a part of why I hold him so dear is that he was able to get me to find out about myself. I have always been a docile lover, nervous and shy aiming to please over what turned me on. I was never comfortable with receiving pleasure, afraid of my own orgasm, what I needed to feel good. It never ended positively, I would feel shitty (rarely come) and they would never deliver the response I wanted. And with him I began exploring and not trying to resist the things that turned me on. I am so much happier and confident sexually than I ever have been, and it feels so good (unfortunately not good enough, I want to be having more dirty fantastic sweaty sex). If it wasn’t for his confiding in me that he wanted me to dominate him (yet again, this hurts SO much, I know his secrets, I know what he wants and she doesn’t! why can’t it be me!!) deep down I was trying to get him to confide all these things because I wanted to be the holder of his dirty secrets. I wanted to be the one who held the key to his possible public humiliation. I wanted that power over him. But he can’t, he doesn’t feel as swept up, he did at a time, but not now. I just think I want to find love, gooey dopey dirty adoration. I was projecting on someone who could give me a mediocre imitation, like shitty nutrasweet when all you want is splenda, but you settle. For all my kinky ways I still wanted romance. I wanted him to look up at me with those large vulnerable expressive green eyes, looking down at that lovely face, so open and beautiful, the face of a boy on the body of a man with his large eyes and full lips, he nervously bites at his bottom lip then licks them and just that small movement makes me shudder. His entire attention is on my body and he almost vibrates with anticipation. I feel tall and commanding and the tension between us is almost suffocating and I’m driving and he’s willingly obliging in such a way that every blink speaks my name and wears my mark. Will I ever be able to look at someone else and see that again?

The uncomfortable position of real life power dynamics

2008-01-03T06:51:00.001-08:00

I’m unsure about posting this situation yet at the same time I need to rid myself of it through prose in order to purge its power over me. It makes me wonder if I give off mixed signals and if this is just one of the dangers and dilemmas of being a woman. Mostly though, it pisses me off!
There is a professor who I worked for before I went back to graduate school. He was a little off, but was always very friendly and generous with his time. I always saw the relationship as something like a mentor/mentee type of thing. Now he is a little odd, socially awkward and nervous, but he has always been pretty kind to me, so I thought that maybe he’s just not used to having students work for him and this is just his bizarre way of engaging in the student/teacher relationship. He doesn’t look like the type that has many people clamoring to work with him. I always thought he was just looking for a young up and comer with strengths that he doesn’t have to explore issues he finds engaging, particularly deviant sexual practices. Apparently I am a bad judge of situations, which does not bode, well for my future career.
So this past weekend we went to dinner, nothing out of the ordinary, shared what has been going on in our lives, work we’re doing. We start talking about BDSM and I explain what I want to write about. How I want to use queer theory to understand the binary of deviant/mainstream sex, what is that boundary and why certain behaviors are considered deviant. We talk about things, and he told me how he has an interest in spanking, I said that that was ok, that what I have been figuring out is that nobody needs to fit into stock images of alternative sexual desires, that it is creative and generative and that I am personally enjoying figuring these things out. So the meal finishes, I say thank you and go to head my way.
He then says, “well I have a proposition, I would invite you back to my apartment but its quite dirty right now, how bout we go to this motel around the corner that rents by the hour and have a scene”. Now at this point I was floored. How do you respond to something like that? Instead of saying I have no interest in engaging in behaviors like that with you because there has to be a level of physical attraction and desire for me to want to engage in any behavior that I find stimulating. This is not about you, and you cannot expect that since you want it and I am studying kinky sex that I want to have kinky sexual activities with you that it will happen. I am an active agent in my own sexual desire and stimulation and spanking a man who is shorter than me and probably in his 60s don’t do it for me. How dare you even conflate my interests, research agendas and personal choices with an interest in you!!
Unfortunately I am not as eloquent or direct, I mumble how I have a busy day and need to get home. What type of response is that? Now I didn’t ask what exactly he wanted, because I didn’t care. But it totally ruins any sort of working relationship we have. I am still haunted with images of his naked ass bent over wanting me to spank him **shudders** Everyone is entitled to their own interests, but just because I have a desire to study something, maybe even a personal interest in its behaviors does NOT mean or give you the right to think that I want to do it with you. Its like saying that a woman in a short skirt asked to be raped, I did not ask for this.
What bothers me the most besides the blatant disrespect of boundaries and social relationships is the fact that he thinks that an interest personally as well as professionally would turn into something sexual and stimulating between the two of us. He’s going to rationalize my response and say that I just don’t have the chops, stones, balls whatever to study something of this nature. And that seriously pisses me off. I fully admit when I think things are over my head, and this is not one of them. My biggest personal as well as professional hurdle, the reason I went into social research is to make myself uncomfortable and always test myself and push myself in situations. And he is going to hit me where it hurts saying that I just couldn’t take it. And how do you tell someone its not the behavior that they want you to participate in, its them? How do you say that without being rude? Its not the activities, I’m not going to put myself in situations that make me feel uncomfortable and you cannot use your power and position to make me feel awkward.
What happens now? I don’t want to bring it up, my friend recommended that I just treat is as if he invited me to go for ice cream afterward and I respectfully declined. I think I am just going to ignore the situation and if he tried to rationalize or discuss it, explain what I explained above, that an interest in behavior does not mean that any partner will do.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2007-12-31T11:57:00.000-08:00

Happy 2008!!
Things to come
My resolutions
The weirdest night of my life so far
and much more!!
Thanks to everyone who reads, and I hope you continue to in the future. Blogging has been a very relaxing and cathartic experience.

xoxo
M. Leah

Wonder Leah/Train Rides with Mom

2007-12-23T21:35:00.000-08:00

Thursday evening I went to “In the Flesh” the monthly reading series @ Happy Endings lounge to meet and hear fellow blogger Marcelle Manhattan share some of her naughty stories. She did a great job and it was wonderful to finally meet the woman behind it all. Thank you to all the writers and readers who had the courage to stand in front of a room full of people and talk about the intimate goings on of your sex life including a romp with Santa, the exact shaving style of one’s “bits”, an erotic haiku, a walk down memory lane to an S&M restaurant with Topaz and her mystery man and much more. I had a great time and I am grateful that you guys have the stones to get up there and share. It truly does help timid old me break through some of my insecurities to see women talk so candidly about being turned on. It definitely got my writing gears turning, expect more from me in 2008! Talking with Marcelle it really got me thinking…she mentioned how she never felt like she belonged growing up in the south. I think if we all step out of our kinky closets no woman (or outsider for that matter) would have to feel uncomfortable for ascribing to a different set of social norms. I was going to post about where are all my positive dominant female women role models? But I need to be that person for myself, for all the little M. Leah’s out there who are still in college trying to figure out this stuff. If I can help one girl avoid an awkward hookup, complete with blowjob and no satisfaction then perhaps I have made a difference ☺. But seriously, I don’t know why we teach women to be afraid of their sexual desires and package them in tight little boxes that are to be exchanged for either gifts or feelings. I am not saying you shouldn’t be a considerate lover, but things do not end with male ejaculation. I do not know who spread this belief, but women need to reclaim their sexual practices for their own benefit and remove this awful idea of gift exchange from their orgasm and critically examine the way we interact when the lights go down and the clothes come off. I think this is the new barrier. The uncontested sexual mores of hook-up culture and the social environment we are bringing our girls into.
** Excuse me while I get off my soapbox**
The best part of the night however was not the reading or exposing my mother to erotic literature; it was the train ride home on the long island railroad. Oh did I forget to say that m mom came with me? Silly me. My mom came with me to an erotic reading. She grew up in a different time in a different culture, but she has a little bit of the voyeur bug in her. I do too, but I also stick my toe in from time to time (ok, sometimes I just go skinny dipping, but you get the metaphor, I don’t need to kill it). We got little bottles of wine and boarded our train home. We talked about the readers, we talked about men, and we talked about sex. She still is trying to come to terms with the fact that heterosexual people would want to do anal. Bless her little heart. Imagine having this conversation with your mom, it was hilarious. I was trying to educate her and shock her at the same time. She’s such a tightly wound person that I was hoping that this entire experience would help her loosen up a little. And of course under the influence of my train station libations I probably said a little too much. I explained the joys of prostate massages to my mother. I had my mom blushing and giggling like a schoolgirl. Yes, I basically told my mom to stick a finger in my dad’s ass. What type of daughter am I? Maybe she’ll be a little happier and perhaps being more adventurous in the bedroom will make her more adventurous in the world. I wonder if she’ll try it, wait…I don’t want to know. There are some things that are still sacred.
Merry Christmas!!!

Facelift

2007-12-23T18:08:00.000-08:00

I updated the "look" of my blog again. I was feeling a little down and thought the black was depressing. I wanted something more subtle for all those people who stumble by. Let them get shocked, it will give me a giggle and brighten my day.
Kisses and Happy Birthday to little 8 lb 6 ounce baby Jesus, just a little infant, so cuddly, but still omnipotent.

One handed read

2007-12-18T16:05:00.001-08:00

Being home for the holidays, I have no MJ outlet and my adorable boy is out in the Bahamas for Christmas through New Years so I have no one to share my naughty fantasies with. All my fantasies involve the Boy; you can insert the man of your choice…
I have this fantasy of him leaning over a really tall table, perhaps a bar, Kitchen Island, something taller than a dining room table. He’s naked standing far enough away that when he bends over the table only the top half of his torso touches and his feet are raised slightly so he’s kind of balancing on his toes, with his stomach and cock off the table. He has his legs spread and he’s face down. I make him hold himself slightly too far up so that his arms are taught and he has to work to keep himself stable in this position. I slowly rub his ass and admire him leaning over telling him how nice he looks, “does the position hurt?” He won’t say no, he will say yes, that he likes it. I’ll rub my hands up and down his back, his ass his thighs and he will start to get hard in anticipation, “oh really, you like that, you like being bent over for me, you enjoy letting me look at you like this?”
He will of course say yes, and then I’ll slap him and call him dirty. Watch his cock bounce, tell him I saw it, rub him a little than hit him again. Asking again if he likes this, being hit by me, being bent over. He will say yes again, I will make him look at me while I touch him. He will watch as I take him in squirming a little, beginning to feel uncomfortable with his exposure and the position. I will tell him to be still and then grab the crop. I will then ask him if he wants this, wants me to hit him, wants me to watch him squirm on my kitchen table. I will tell him he must count after each one, and he does, and I'm turned on by this point. I tell him how wet, how I like hitting him, like him. I hit his back, his thighs and ass. Continually asking if he wants this “Do you like turning me on? Do you enjoy me hitting you, exposing you?” I then tell him to grab the counter tighter, spread your legs more and I give him 5 quick whacks. I then move on to a paddle and hit him hard. I reach down bend over him with my hips to his ass, reach around, and tell him how I want him to fuck me, how I want him to make me come, I want him to give me an orgasm I want to come, and when I say that I slap his ass one more time then tug on his balls, I let him scooch down off the counter he pushes down the fabric on my nightie exposing one of my breasts and runs his hands gently down my skin, lightly touching me with his calloused gorgeous hands, his fingers long, delicate yet manly. He traces my nipple and I shudder, he places his mouth on it and kisses it, I don’t like my nipples sucked, you are not a child, you are not drawing milk, you are trying to turn me on. I like my nipples caressed, kissed, bitten, teased. He moves one hand lower, picks up my nightie rubs my thigh. I sit on the counter with one breast exposed, his hand on my inner thigh. I reach down and kiss him, he goes back to my nipple and I look over his back at the red marks I've caused, and as I'm looking at his back, he sticks one finger inside of me. Finding my clit with his thumb I close my eyes and lean back. Letting him do what he does, using both hands, one to hold me in place by the small of my back, every now and then needing me with his fingers. His other hand working my pussy as I watch his mouth kiss my nipples, I'm about to come and he holds me tighter not stopping, feeling my body twitch both inside and out. He then finally slows what he’s doing and kisses me on my neck then working up. He then says thank you and I kiss him.

The feminine industrial complex.

2007-12-18T06:22:00.001-08:00

Who controls images of feminine? As I sit and primp and tweeze and pluck, I wonder, what power elite am I bowing down to? Yes, all these habits and feminine rituals started because of a patriarchal society and its views on women. But come on, women had to go along to make them work. Some woman had to decide that wearing heels was really “de rigueur”. How do female trends spread without female participation?
I was cleaning out my drawers, giving myself something to do when MJ was staying way past his time. I like my weekends, I enjoy my “me time”. There are times you just want to enjoy the quiet, and he never understands that. So here I was, wishing he would leave so I could organize my drawers,
I don’t like having idle hands and I get satisfaction by regimented lines of jewelry separated into type, size and of course quality. I love to empty a drawer enjoying the memories of the things I’m puling out from it. I think it goes back to when I was a child and I would get to hear the stories of all the things my mother could take out of her drawers. They had some enchanted quality to them of femaleness to come. Things that I desperately wanted to understand. Backs of earrings with no mates, a ticket stub from a movie I was too young to go to. Her bronze hand mirror with the upholstered back that I desperately wished had a genie in it. Even an old battery or an empty film case seemed so adult, they were totems of a world I didn’t yet have access to. Pink satin underwear, high heels, perfume samples, small scented soaps and discarded makeup all seemed to hold stories, and a glimpse into the secret society that I would one day be a part of. I loved those days and I love to organize my drawers. Maybe this is also why I like to snoop in people’s medicine cabinets, who knows.
But back to the story, I’m trying to enjoy going through one of my drawers. Pulling out ribbons and ticket stubs, sunglass cases and various other discarded items, MJ asking me what everything was trying to make conversation. Then I pulled out something that looked like the top to a man’s electric razor. I had a little epilator phase.
My friend Long Island had one when we were in college. She liked cable knit sweaters, preppy patterns and going on mother daughter vacations with her stylish and well-educated mom. They vacations in St Bart’s, I was overwhelmed she seemed knowledgeable and worldly. She mentioned how she had one and that it worked like a dream! Didn’t hurt at all and the bikini line looked great! I was taken in. For those who don’t know, this crazy torture device literally PULLS OUT each individual hair, ONE BY ONE. I think gitmo doesn’t even use devices like this, water boarding yes, epilators no. All it did for my bikini line was give me awful little red bums, I would bleed through underwear and it was so bad that bumpy that no one would want to touch me even if I had the courage to show them my business. But of course I let this go on for months, claiming that, oh yes, it worked SO much better.
So he asked what the epilator was.
I explained, his response was:
“You know you don’t need to do those sort of things for me.”
And I had two reactions that I would like to share.
1- What? You think I do this FOR YOU?!? Are you kidding me, don’t shine yourself sweetheart. See below reason why I was so miffed.
2- I do this to make other women jealous, fuck what you think. Women preen for each other. I like to look good because it makes me feel good, looking so dam good. There’s a fast food commercial where the plain girl is envied by the model looking girl because she has some sort of sandwich. Well that feeling feels good, and that’s why women spend hours on their makeup and fortunes on their clothes. Whatever that item or product is, feeling special and envied every now and gain feels good. This could be a simple accomplishment that just makes you happy. I like it, sue me. And its not because guys say that women should have shaved pussies, its because other women do it! Women like each other, sisterhood and all that. You change your style because you see something or some other female who inspired you. I love pin-up culture, so recently I have been doing the red lips more. You do what fits you, but you get your ideas from other women.
I like admiring a woman who can pull something off, I think its cool. You can wear a gold backless dress and look stellar doing it, I will ooh and aah and wish I could pull it off. My boobs are too big and I HATE being braless (the only time you will catch me braless is in the shower or I guess with a man). I epilate because I want to look just as good in that bikini as you do, and if that means ripping out my vag hairs, hell I will at least try it. Don’t get me wrong; I would never be one of those ladies who traipse around in anything just because it’s in fashion. I still like things to flatter me; I’ll find the one that works well on me. I hate those bikini bottoms that show too much ass, and I will never be caught in a string bikini because where will my boobs go?
But the gist is, I’m doing because of the watchful eyes and policing agents that are other women and their opinions. Now I'm not saying this is better heaven forbid, no but its not the men I care about. It’s the women and their thoughts and comments. The feminine Gestapo is not men, and please, stops kidding yourself, its other women. We are each other’s worse critic and best allies. I will be the woman who in my old age wears wigs to cover my thinning hair, gets weekly manicures, and dons every bangle on one wrist so they clink and clang. I will do this not for men, by this time you will have died (we do live longer) my body will be wrinkled and old. I will have arthritis and liver spots, but I will still look stylish. I would rather be a member of the feminine police force than be a victim of it.

How am i ever to land a man?

2007-12-12T19:15:00.000-08:00

I'm in florida right now visiting my grandma. Surrounded by the land of the early bird special, the strip mall and chain restaurant I realized something about myself and about my family. We have different ideas of my future, and more importantly my future spouse. My grandma might claim she's hip [her way of excusing her sometimes distasteful comments] and modern [allowing her to use disparaging language] but deep down her 40s upbringing shows through.
My Grandmother prepared for my arrival like any grandma would, she started cooking 5 days before my brother and I arrived, but it was FRESH!
My grandma is what you would call "opinionated", always one to speak her mind even when its not wanted, appreciated or correct. She will tell you stories of "Bush; that crook", my uncle that "lunatic shit head", my father "the putz" etc. She loves my family, but she also loves to talk about everyone and tell you about it. I'm one of her favorite topics. Her only female grandchild, I am both her shining joy and her absolute shame. I am single, in my mid twenties [way too close to thirty for her book] and getting advanced degrees. One brings her extreme joy, the other extreme worry. She has no idea what I do or what I study [something in between social work and psychology in her mind] and every conversation we have always ends [because i hang up at this point] with her asking me if I've met someone.
She wants me to be Barbie, well educated, able to fly a plane, but settling for stewardess so I can get married and give her grandchildren. Granddaughter Barbie does not have short hair, and when she does, she is called a Dyke. So right now I have short hair. Its all bang, and i like it, but i have no interest to hear about why i cant land a man because of my hair.
so to fuck with her [what else would I do, I'm incorrigible] and also play into her issues i wore a wig down to see her. I love to play dress up. Its one of my fetishes. i own 4 wigs, many costumes, too much lingerie [that goes unused mind you] and enough make up to fill two drawers. and do not even try to count my accessories or my shoes. i have a problem, and that problem is that i dont have a "style" i have avatars. i can be goth, grunge, virginal, slutty, cheescake, modern, mod, hippie, etc you name it, i have something in my closet that will work with it.
so as we're driving from the airport back to her "villa" in her 50+ development she keeps on singing the praises of my beautiful long hair, how great the dye job is, how i should never change it and how the men must love it [always back to the men] she goes on and on about how gorgeous it is, and of course i keep it up for a little bit while my little brother is laughing in the backseat [also trying not to yak since my grandma every 5 min or so would just jerk the wheel hard to the right for no reason at all, "the car was driving to the left" she states] so finally i cant hold it in any longer, i pick the bangs up and show her the seam, where the wig hits my scalp. She cant believe it, etc etc. She lectures me on how wigs ruin your natural hair, how i should grow it like that length anyway and still talks about how fantastic it looks. i then tell her i have more than one wig, i have 4 and one of them happens to be pink.
"pink?!?" how will you ever land a man with pink hair? what type of man would like a woman who has pink hair?!?!
Ok, now I'm stumped. This is something I never thought would be a negative to any man i was courting. When did pink hair and wig wearing equal such match.com binaries like, "smoker", "divorced", political leanings and religious views? I dont want a man who cant handle me in pink hair and i never thought that would be an issue, i guess that shows the difference in the generations, or something deep and meaningful like that. I dress to make myself happy, and of course to appease the policing agent that is other women and their unhealthy ideals. In her generation it was about finding a husband so you can move out of your father's house and start having babies. I am not a cow nor do I need a dowry. And I am going to wear my wig until I'm a blue haired lady and live in my own 50+ community, and I'm sure I will be the most popular among the old men ;)

Collaring

2007-12-06T05:37:00.000-08:00

15”.

TB sent me his neck measurements. 15” a finite number an actual and precise amount. 15” of leather that I am going to create in my image and lace around his neck. 15” of leather that will define our relationship. 15” has never turned me on more than it did today.
It got me thinking what exactly do I want to see in a collar that I put on him. How does my image of The Boy in a collar look, and why is this and can I get this made?

I’m not that into the accoutrements of the goth/bdsm subculture that relies on tons of black and vinyl and studs etc. I want something that has more evocative power something that says dominance and ownership in a way that I find alluring and sexy. This is a collar for my sexual stimulation, I want it to reflect that. My collar is something that will wear with time; I want something that wears gracefully with use, like your favorite belt. I want something that smells like a tannery and evokes images of hard working tanned farmhands not dungeons and the possible smell of mold. Something that represents what wearing a collar means to me. I want this collar to represent my romantic cultural imaginary, not the one that has been deemed appropriate by Goth teens and a subculture that I am still intimidated by and not really ready to belong to. Not to say that’s wrong, that’s just not how I roll. I don’t want him in studs and skulls all fluffed out like a rapper’s pit-bull. I want this collar to represent a sense of ownership that also doesn’t reference teen angst, punk music and its creation: Avril Lavigne.
My ideas of collars involve ownership; I give my dog a collar so he is visibly marked as mine. He has tags that say my name and phone number {he is also the cutest thing on 4 legs, just a little side note}. It’s a way to prove he’s mine if lost. The collar is a form of marking where I’ve been and what I own. A black leather mass-produced collar just doesn’t do it for me. My fantasies of ownership lean to images of branded cows and masculine cowboys. My mind doesn’t go to Goths and dungeons, European fetishes or Victorian era prudery. My mind goes to sun kissed farm hands that smell like sweat and leather. Warm naked bodies slightly red from back breaking physical labor and too much exposure to heat and sun. I think Marlboro man and Wyoming ranches; I want to tame the wild, not chain the undisciplined schoolboy. I want him to be able to smell the leather and know that its there, feel the weight and understand the consequences. My collar is my brand.
The collar I plan on placing on the boy is personal. It gets worn with use and time becoming darker and more nuanced with the oils of his skin and continued use. It becomes darker suede, slick where it used to be soft. It’s a dark oxblood or light tan suede against a black background. It wears with age and becomes more dignified like the strap of my Louis Vuitton bag. It has presence in itself and represents an entire different set of cultural meanings; my collar sits proudly on his neck like a fine coach bag aging gracefully with time. My collar is an aesthetic investment, not the means to a dominant end. My collar is metal and leather and permanent, it’s also branded. Branded like the hide of a cow, branded with my claim on this boy, branded with the word “MINE”. When I run my hand over the recessed lettering feeling along like Braille this brand will mark what I control. This aggressive masculine man smelling like tanned leather and warmth will put this on for me and let me look and admire gaze at what’s mine. Fuck the masculine gaze, this gaze is 100% made in a woman’s image.
When I clasp that buckle tightly over those 15” and it jingles softly he is reminded that he is branded and belongs to me. He is my masculine submissive, my wild bull branded with the words MINE (and perhaps initials, I haven’t decided that yet, maybe on the inside?).
I’ve been looking into creating this collar and have come to the conclusion that I will need to combine the aesthetics of a dog collar with the durability and size of a traditional human collar. I am working on how to get this done now…

I just want to see you smile

2007-12-03T12:55:00.000-08:00

I’ve been purposefully silent recently on the goings on with “the boy” and me. I didn’t want to jinx anything, also I don’t know if there is anything to jinx. Like always its 3 steps fwd 27,000 steps back. I haven’t spoken to him in over a week, actually one week two days. I waffle between this is good for me to love him to I’m wasting my time and putting myself through heartache. But for some reason we work, although he has the ability to make me hurt (emotionally not physically). I get all needy and self-conscious when I don't hear from him regularly, and he never seems to have his shit together, oh and lives two time zones away. Well besides all those things.
But through him, I am figuring out a lot of things, especially what I am looking for in a long-term relationship. There was a line in “Las Vegas” from last week that really struck me, I know I can’t believe I’m quoting a TV show that stars Tom Selleck, but cut me some slack. This woman was talking about finding your mate. You just have to find the person whose greatest happiness is watching you be happy [so simple, but so difficult to find]. But this comes from a specific place, not in a "I want to defer all ideas, thoughts and feelings to you so you can control the outcome, its more like let’s meet in the middle and appreciate what we bring to the table, no matter how bizarre".
I am happy when you put up with my eccentricities and are interested in them, not necessarily because they are yours, but because it makes you happy that I am happy. I love animals, I love them like the abominable snowman in those Looney tunes cartoons. I must love them, and hold them and name them all George. I smother all things fluffy. It’s a warped childhood fantasy I’ve always had. You remember when [insert Disney princess here] sings her trademark song in some sort of [forest, ocean, jungle, etc] and [insert cute doe eyed animals] come up to her and accompany her? That has always been my dream. Yet since this is the real world and not an animated fairy tale, wild animals do not so readily come to me, so I have to hunt them down or purchase them from pet stores. Which I did recently, I caught a baby mole. Mind you, I was with my dog and he had zero predatory instinct and actually was looking at me like I was insane. But I called “the boy” at work, and even though he was busy, he let me yammer on about this little mole [that actually looked like cartoon moles!!!]
The mole, plus the conversation made my day. I hope he knows how much that meant to me.

Oh yea, and we also had some steamy late night phone sex, that was great too ;)

Made in her image

2007-12-01T10:15:00.000-08:00

I just purchased “The Secret” on DVD for my mother for the holidays. I wonder; how am I related to this woman? She asked for it, so I obliged, mind you she already has the book, the audio book and now the DVD [over consumption at its best] don’t get me wrong, I love my mother. I am fiercely loyal to her and protective over her, but I seriously wonder how she spawned a child like me and if she regrets some of the decisions I have made and secretly wishes that I was different, a child she could claim, a child built in her image.
She’s had a hard life and she deserves happiness that is true. But she’s not going to find it in “the secret”. Of course I made the mistake of using this request to push her. On 1- why she couldn’t go on Amazon herself and buy it and 2- why does she need ANOTHER copy of this piece of shit? [I’m not going to even go into what the secret claims, because then I might just make my head explode with unfounded self-help nonsense] Whenever we talk about things, I always try to push her to do something, to be able to do things for herself. No she doesn’t need my father to go on the internet, yes the first few times will be challenging, but after awhile she should be able to handle it and do it faster, and won’t she feel more accomplished and satisfied if she can do it herself?
I love her, I do, but it’s hard sometimes. She wants more from her life but she is so desperately afraid of trying anything new that forces her to push herself that I always seem to get into this same fight with her.
I am independent and an aggressive go-getter. I purposefully put myself in uncomfortable situations to see if I can get out of them and learn from them. She does not; she’s slightly agoraphobic and looks towards cosmetic surgery, social acceptance, and mainstream commercialization for validation. While I do too at some points in my life, it always bothers me and while I acquiesce, I do it begrudgingly.
Example: I was born with a genetic disorder; I am missing some growth plates. One of my toes never grew, so all through adolescence I had this stumpy 4th toe that sat on the top of my foot. I was brutally protective about it while at the same time ashamed of it. It made me who I was and I didn’t want it changed. Whenever I went to the doctor my mother would always prod them about the possibility of corrective surgery and if it would have long term affects on my posture, or my development. It never would. It was just a little stumpy toe. Because of her pressure I had cosmetic surgery to fix it that required me to put two metal screws in my bones, break the bone in the middle and every day turn the device a quarter of a turn to grow the bone in the middle. The result, I can wear gorgeous heels and sandals and have no visible deformity. However, whenever people ask, I say that it was not a cosmetic procedure and that it was affecting my walk, my gait and my back alignment. This bothers me to no end. Why couldn’t she be happy with my love/hate relationship with my little toe? I know she just wanted the best, but her insistence on lies and persistence on the surgery will always bother me.
In her mind, I would have gone to college in state, gone to law school right after [a perfectly legitimate career choice] close to home of course, maybe even where my father went, and then moved a few towns over found some sort of husband and popped out 2 grandkids by now all with some low-level law career that allowed me to stay home during my kid’s first 5 years. [She has mentioned this to me, how she wants me to be able to stay home from birth to kindergarten, um, how is that possible if I am supposed to be a career woman?] Perhaps me and Mr. Suburban would have gone to Europe for our honeymoon [our first time of course] been satisfied with that level of travel, moved into a split level ranch and lived happily ever after in our cul-de-sac with our S.U.V. parked in the garage and our 401(k) collecting interest.
Unfortunately that is not the daughter she created. I travel to places that require you to get vaccinations for things I have only heard of on the Oregon Trail. I prefer spreading my love around and traveling all over this great continent to get quality ass which she never understands either and always yells at me to “keep my butt home already”. She wishes I dropped out of grad school for a more “legitimate” job that she can understand and brag about. But I am not that child. I prefer to walk the line of socially acceptable and weirdo. I’m gregarious to her social ineptitude and she never gets my sarcastic sense of humor and always thinks I am making fun of her or putting her down. I try, I really do to try to curb myself around her but it’s hard. I don’t understand her insistence of pleasing everyone. She’s leery of all people and trusts no one, yet always puts herself out there for people in this incredibly vulnerable ways that’s slightly socially awkward so of course it doesn’t go her way. Its just a weird position, to love your mother, worry about her, be sympathetic about her shortcomings, and try to help when she obviously doesn’t want to hear it from you.
She’s not going to find it in the secret though; she’s going to have to find it in herself. I know she wants more, but she needs to figure that it’s not going to come from anybody else except herself and start changing. My father and I are incredibly supportive of her, but she just looks at us with distrust. I don’t know how to handle this, sometimes its just a hard lesson and a hard smack in the face when you realize your parents have faults too and that there’s nothing you can do, or that they don’t want your two cents.
And yes, I did buy her the secret…and a part of me hopes it does work.

Trying to get MJ to talk dirty and stop talking so sweet:

2007-11-28T15:13:00.000-08:00

IM conversation:
Edited for brevity
MJ: I fantasize of going down on you
Me: I like that
MJ: I like that too?
Me: I do like some good dirty talk, it helps get me in the mood
MJ: I daydream about making you quiver; I think I’ve had thoughts of having sex with you in various spots of your house
kitchen counter
bathroom sink
shower
you leaned over the back of the couch
Me: lets try it!
MJ: I want to do you from behind so I can reach around and fondle you
Me: say it, touch my clit
get comfortable being dirty
Mj: touch your clit?
Me: well not like that

I guess it’s a start and we have to start somewhere. I think the more he feels comfortable the less I will bitch that he’s not meeting my needs. But as this convo says there is a long way to go. Saying things like quiver just sounds too much like loins and brings back awful memories of shitty romance novels. Not that all sex has to be dirty, but I like intensity not a soft focus lens with a soprano saxaphone in the background. But it gets better once he opens up a little…

MJ: I like sucking on your clit
Me: so much better, I want more of this, now go to bed and think of me when you masturbate
Mj: I wanna watch you play with yourself, that shit is fuckin hot. I can feel you rubbing your clit when we fuck
Me: really? where?
Mj: i have to look down, base of my dick, makes me googly eyed
Me: i didnt know that thats hot, let me know these things while were doing it
and by “it” I mean bone
and by bone I mean fuck

So it gets better so I think whatever “rut” we were in I could say is over. I still don’t know if I am 100% into him or into it, but this is a step in the right direction. I like that he took control, I deleted some lines because I didn’t think them important or good imagery, but at least he’s trying and this conversation did get me excited. I think that sex is sometimes [most of the time] psychological for me. I go for guys that are hard to get because then it’s a bigger conquest when I get them. The ante always needs to be raised, whether that’s emotional, physical, or some sort of sexual deviancy. Just getting him to talk more candidly and use less cheesy sexual euphemisms I think helps.

Happy Giving!

2007-11-21T18:23:00.000-08:00

I'm thankful for Lolcat's. If they didn't exist I wouldn't get my daily pick me up, and everyone needs one of those.
My blog, it haz a flavr:

moar funny pictures

I am thankful that kink and sexy now work well together, even though I can't afford anything from Agent Provocateur, I still think its all pretty sexy (well not all, some of it is absolutely ugly) But it's also all geared towards submissive females (check out their accesories, but some have potential)
But I covet this corset:

MY PUPPY!!!! (we'll he's a grown man these days, but he brings me joy and delight even when he acts like suc a bad boy. But even when he does, just watching the gears turn in his little head brings joy that I forget about the early morning walks, or the fact that my social life is curtailed sometimes because having those adorable dead teddy eyes look up at me for guidance and support is just too cute.

I'm thankful for my family, my friends and all my new blog friends; you guys rock and I am definitely the most happy (albiet probably the most confused/f-ed up) that I have been in awhile, but I'm enjoying life and my place in it.

Totally unrelated:
I'm sure there will be some boring as fuck Peanuts Holiday movie on network tv tomorrow when I want to digest and lounge. Does anyone else find those super boring? Even as a child I never got the appeal of Peanuts, if anyone did/does, please let me know. I thought they were poorly drawn and had pacing problems/were too goddam boring. Although I did like the one where Snoopy gets all upset because of all the "No Dogs Allowed" Signs. But thats because I love all dog humor.

Happy Thanksgving!

Making love, when all you really want is a good fuck.

2007-11-19T15:27:00.000-08:00

So that’s the predicament I’m in right now. All I want is a nice hard fuck but all I get is some sweet soft kisses and some dumb baby talk. I am having two slight problems with MJ these days. 1- he isn’t assertive enough when it comes to naked fun time, and that leads to 2- I am not turned on or excited because it seems formulaic and routine already. If I don’t initiate sex, he won’t. Or for some reason he thinks bedtime spooning is a good indicator of his desire and therefore I then need to make a move. So of course this leads to a conversation where I tell him that if he wants it, go for it. He then says that he thought I was tired (or something, I don’t remember the excuse) and that he didn’t want to push it but that he wanted to. I said, then go for it! Tell me what you want, and do it. I tell him he needs to become more assertive with his needs/wants.
What does this lead to; not what I wanted. It leads to him, yes, being more assertive, but it still was butterfly kisses going from my ankle to my crotch, yet again, did not really do it for me.
I think maybe he just isn’t comfortable doing this? But he has before and it worked, I was super excited and wanted to jump his bones. Now I just want to feign sleep and just quickly get a condom on him so I can get him off and get this over with. There was one time, at my urging, he told me all the places and positions he wanted to have sex with me. It was fun, it was dirty, and it was wonderful. But I have never heard him use the word pussy, fuck, dick or suck since then. All I get now is “oral pleasures” “smooches” and “snuggles”.
I don’t know how to tell him what’s wrong though. Either he doesn’t think something is wrong, or he does and he’s over compensating by being even more saccharine and sugary. Either way this has to stop before I totally lose all interest in him as a sexual being. But I find it hard to bring this subject up because it’s hard to articulate what I want, and it also seems a little negative and cruel. Because if this is just his personality, how do you tell someone you don’t like who they are? I just think maybe we’re not a good fit. I want him to be more assertive in the bedroom, not necessarily take control, but understand that when push comes to shove, if I want an orgasm, I need to be fucked. There is nothing nice or soft or sweet about it, its intense, its emotional and its great; but its not a euphemism for cartoon bunnies or dessert or some shit like that. This is not a fairy tale, this is fucking.
I don’t know how to tell him that saying something like “I want to give you oral pleasures” just doesn’t sound as good as something simpler like “I want to taste you” or just a simple let me grab you until my face is in your crotch. (I prefer the latter) I know its wrong, but I want my men masculine, even when they beg, I want them to use dirty words, because dirty words sound so much better. Like the title of this post, I am sick of long gentle kisses and soft murmurs, you are bigger than me do something crazy, throw me around, say you want to fuck me. Stop asking for kisses or making baby talk. This is not an after school special; this is a cinemax after hours red shoe diaries episode. FUCK ME!

A step sideways

2007-11-16T07:22:00.000-08:00

So, I just spoke to The Boy. Grar, it was great and awful and exciting, and turned me on and made me think delicious awful thoughts about hitting him and holding him and yet again it made me ache in a way that honestly, only he can conjure (is that what love feels like? I hate being one of those people who is like “but I Love him”).
But it brings up many issues that I have with relationships, men and dating (big surprise, I know ☺ )
The conversation was different, I felt like I had the upper hand. I finally felt like I had a modicum of control over the direction of our relationship. I worry though, do I feel like this because I am better at being dominant, or is it because I have a fallback?
I don’t want to even talk about MJ like that, but it’s sort of true. He tries really hard, and maybe with time he can be that person for me, but right now the major things going for him is that he’s here and he’s willing to put up with my waffling nature. But he is also way too nice and considerate to even think about him as just a warm body to keep me company for a while. Even having these thoughts bothers me and makes me feel like an awful person for being so emotionally flippant about someone who obviously cares deeply about me. Which then of course makes me feel worse, it’s a continual “well, I’m living my life” “I’m living my life like a dick” back-and-forth.
I feel like I'm doing myself a sort of disservice by not fully committing to MJ, but I honestly don’t think I can. But I also don’t want to use him, I mean he knows that we’re not exclusive I told him I run from relationships (sprint is more like it), but ultimately I think he wants something I cant provide. I mean, I am still turned on by him, but in a different way than the Boy.
I think it also has to do with the dynamic of the relationship I have with MJ and the relationship I have with TB (the boy for short). With TB it’s always slightly difficult, which makes it more fun. I want to dominate him because he’s hard to tie down. It’s like rescuing a feral cat and trying to tame them. It’s exciting in the same way. MJ, it seems too easy right now, he needs so much lifting up sometimes that putting him down just doesn’t seem like so much fun. I feel like hitting him and humiliating him would be like hurting a wounded puppy, he brings out different instincts in me, instincts to protect and to safeguard, not to breakdown so I can then bring him up in my image. MJ is willing to try, and that alone scares me because I do not know if I want to take that sort of submission. I like the cat and mouse, I like the game and I feel like he would automatically let me win. (Like he does when we play x-box)
I feel he never really got validation for who he is, so right now its just trying to show him that he is a good person. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting more, and wanting TB. Not like he has his act together either. We’re talking about having me come visit for New Years, finally engaging in the play that we have talked about now for over a year. It’s exciting, its scary and whatever the outcome, I think its something I need to do for myself to see if this is what I want sexually with out without him. It’s also New Years, I mean, that in itself is so dopily romantic. I always crave that movie romance moment that my adolescent self still craves, but does it exist? Is TB and all that goes with him just some sort of kinky adolescent fantasy of love and domination? (And how do I reconcile those two now, ugh)
But I feel that since we know each other so well, and we know how the other one works, it’s a good place to start. Right now, I want to feel that with him. I want to take both of our BDSM cherries. No matter the outcome, I want him to look back and always think of me as his first.
But then I get self-conscious and start feeling down on myself for wanting a relationship yet continually sabotaging my efforts. But do I want a relationship? And I feel that someone is always going to get the short end of this stick, and I don’t want it to be me.

Help Needed

2007-11-14T13:15:00.000-08:00

So fellow bloggers, since I have this new boy who is willing to try anything I was wondering, what does everyone
1- recommend for slowly seeing if this is something he's interested in? any ideas
I was thinking some sensory play and some light commands at first, just to see if he 1- finds it erotic, 2- isn't too weirded out
2- What is a good beginner's toy box look like and where does one get these things? I saw a website that had some lovely crops and they were purple!! but they also had some other stuff that I was super confused about and therefore questioning their credibility. I was way too overwhelmed by all the harnesses and armbinders, etc.

thanks!!

Update on the incredible mess that is my sex life

2007-11-12T14:03:00.001-08:00

So since I have been otherwise involved in a sort of stable and rewarding relationship for the past two weeks (although that has its problems and ups and downs too). I have been ignoring The Boy. And, of course, that means, he comes back, he’s like a flipping boomerang.
Here is an e-mail exchange that I am going to post, just to share. The problem is that I know him so much better than the new boy MJ, and I can’t really think of bringing him on the emotional roller coaster that is 1- sex with me, 2- kinky sex with me yet, so until I am ready to expose him fully to what I want from him (I also don’t think he can handle it yet emotionally, or me for that matter) I still think I am going to keep The Boy around, especially since I still kinda (gasp) think there is a chance for us.

The Boy: I’m back to wanting to be dominated and can't stop thinking about it. What’s with my head?
(My interjection: still it’s all about him)
Me: apparently it’s all over the place
The Boy: aren't you excited? When you come to visit bring your accoutrements. You’ll have me naked on a leash and I’ll be begging for you from my knees, only making eye contact when instructed. I’ll kiss you boots waiting for my chance to pleasure you between your legs. And I hope you'll still want to fuck me even though I’ve been so rude to you. I’m sorry...I want to be humbled
(My interjection: yet again, he doesn’t understand. I want to hit him because it turns me on, not because he has done something to utterly hurt me and therefore needs to be punished, that is even too fucked up for me to engage in, but of course, I still find him fucking sexy and I have never been known to listen, so I will play along)
Me: its all me, tons of accoutrements, but 100% me. I want tons of eye contact, I love eye contact. No boot kissing, unless I ask, I prefer you to just say please and sorry constantly don't say sorry unless you mean it I’ll do more than humble you, but this is not really about you now is it, its about making me happy by groveling every time I hit you I want you to say thank you, when it starts to hurt I want you to ask for more, when you start to grovel maybe then I’ll stop
The Boy: I’m impressed
Me: I’m impressive

He is such a mind fuck sometimes, but I still play along.

Moving on: training wheels domination

2007-11-06T20:23:00.000-08:00

So there’s a new boy in my life. I don’t know where this one will go. He’s way too nice for me, since I do not do well with overt nice-ness. I don’t know, is it always bad to think: “is there something else out there?” Will that ever go away? But like all my friends have told me, I deserve someone nice someone to dote on me and do all those things I rarely ever get since I date emotionally stunted assholes. The thing is; do I want someone nice? But that’s another post. I mean, don’t get me wrong I like being complimented, but it has to be rare so it means something. Does that make sense? He lacks some sort of edge I feel, some sort of I must conquer you edge that I like to have (the douche bag gene?). I really enjoy the chase, my fav is the chase and then the win, and so having it already locked down just is difficult for me. Well not really, its hard to describe, I have my stable, there really is no chase with them, but they are not truly mine. My grasp is tenuous at best. I’m having a hard time expressing my discomfort and my lack of 100% sexual arousal, but I’ll get there I want to be able to explain it so I can conquer it. I just think that there is a side of him that is not 100% willing to step off any precipice out of not fear but complacency, and I am not a complacent person. I think that’s what it is. I prefer to be the less manic person, not the most. This requires further examination

Ok so back to the reason I’m writing:
So this new boy we shall call him MJ, he knows that I have dominant tendencies but has never walked down this path. He actually has some reservations 1- about women in general, 2- about women who want to tie men up. He had a friend who met this girl at a bar and she convinced him to let her tie him up. She anally raped him (mind you this is from him the day after, who knows what was consensual and what was buyer’s remorse) and left him tied to his bed to be found and ultimately humiliated by his military supervisor. With a story like that, and knowing his quiet ways, I can see his hesitation.
And like Marcelle’s Bay Area Boy, this one is super green. He is really quiet and had a very oppressive upbringing, so he kind of shied away from girls. He didn’t lose his virginity until he was 22 and had never had a woman swallow his come until me, which is downright wrong. BUT like I said, I’m a newbie too, two newbie’s…that’s like a high school virginity story right there and that’s too awkward to do, ever!
I digress, so I am trying to slowly work him into things I’m into. I like domination and control more than hitting (well the hitting comes, but it needs to be when I’m in the mood and since he’s so fresh and dopey already over me, I can’t see myself hitting him anytime soon, until I know he will be ok with something like that). So I thought I would try something new, and if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.
So I thought the best way was to slowly get him into this control thing. So we played a little game, and it was HAWT. He had to tell me step by step what he was doing to me as he did it, if he stopped, I would remove his hand and push him away a little (later on this will be amended to something harder like a slap…that already sounds delicious) but you have to walk before you can crawl, right? The downsides to this, he can’t go down on me, keeping his mouth busy talking has its disadvantages, but it also is pretty fun. I get to hear him actually think through what he’s going to do which makes him think through it too! Hearing it while it’s happening, made me concentrate more on the exact location that he was touching, so if he said he was going to lightly touch my nipple, my heart would race and I would concentrate on that nipple. Now take that step-by-step until his mouth was on my nipple (if he wanted to do something else, he would have to remove his mouth to tell me) so all of foreplay until my orgasm was basically scripted. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
Example: I’m going to run one finger gently on the side of your clit, you’re so soft and wet, I’m not going to stick one finger in, slowing fucking you, now adding another…etc

You can see how this is a turn on, and especially since when he would get too carried away, he would stop saying what he was doing, mind you, it was hard making him stop, but prolonging it for both of us was pretty dam fun. And this was not limited to just “down there” action (I need to get more comfortable talking about my girl parts)
I thought that was a good “training wheels” sort of entrance, and it turned me on, so that’s good.
I mean, the first week worth of make outs were fun and all, but the regular bump and grind (literally) begins to lose their luster, I was getting bored. And this totally sparked things up again.

Any thoughts on more ways to ease him into this?
I told him that he can say no at anytime and if he has no interest in anything to let me know.

Quick aside
I want to share this IM convo that makes me happy

Talking about nothing in particular
MJ: fine, you win, I suck
M Leah: you don’t suck
MJ: I do if you ask

The force is strong with this one….

Happy 'Ween

2007-11-02T06:14:00.000-07:00

Hi all!
I hope everyone had a great Halloween. I sure did, unfortunately it lasted from last friday untl wed, so i'm pretty beat. But I did want to post, that I have a new boy in my life! I will talk about him soon once I think of a good name to call him on this blog. It's been a week now and I am beginning to wonder....
He knows about my "inclinations" we'll see how this goes. He's super nice and actually a giving and supportive person, I don't know if i can handle such men.

deconstructing myself, a response to Marcelle

2007-10-26T09:52:00.000-07:00

I want to respond to Marcelle's comment in its own post because I think she brings up many interesting points that I would like to explore in this incredibly self indulgent world that is the blog/diary (blogary?).
As a product of a hetero-normative suburban family I want to discuss the paradigms we work within. To not slip into grad school jargon (also v hard to do) and not indulge too deeply in auto-ethnography (which I hate), I would like to say that intellectually, I treat my sex life like I treat my research endeavors and all aspects of my life. I work within the framework I have been given, try to test its boundaries, and then subvert/deconstruct/understand it for my own purposes or maniacal plots for world domination. I am comfortable in my ontology yet question its fences. I think I have a knack for this sort of work (well I hope so, I am making it my career).
This is what I also love about BDSM; it works within our preconceived notions of sex, desire and interaction and uses those tropes to "do" sex. You play with bondage because its so overt in its meaning. Humiliation in sexy because it subverts our understanding of tenderness, yet it’s ultimately (for me) even more tender since it requires so much more trust and openness. THAT is what turns me on, that jump off the ledge of structural reason into a world of subversion, that in reality is not very subversive. It’s just open about its use of cultural norms for sexual gain. (let’s not even get into the binary of pleasure/pain)
Example:
There is nothing sexy about my dog's collar. He wears it so if he gets lost people know whom he belongs to. I put a collar on a man and what I am doing is claiming him, metaphorically he cant get lost because he's wearing his collar, its comforting in the same way. And its a turn on, not because I own him (this is not colonialism or slavery) its because we are playing at a game of ownership, we know where the boundaries are and we walk the line for both of our excitement and gain. He willingly wears it because with its use we are using all our cultural knowledge of what wearing a collar means and using it to get off on. And that play that "doing" brings sex to another level. One that is not just insert tab a into slot b. its a mind fuck.
And I get to be the pilot of this mindfuck, and I love it!
Now to the type of men I go for, as Marcelle as put it; it is my quest. Yes I agree, I am looking for an enigma, but I don't see why it would be so hard. I mean, I had a friend who dabbled in professional domination and all her clients were these high power Wall St. types. I want to remove kink from the back alley and bring it into my bedroom. Why is that so difficult?
Why can't my counterpart want to queer male female relations like I do, and not in a grad student post modern intellectual way, in a lets stop talking like Judith Butler (shout out to Marcelle since I know she knows who that is) and lets get to the act of fucking.

I know I am creating a fantasy, that’s all I do. I've realized that, I have a very overdeveloped imagination. I think that’s where things went wrong with “the boy” and me. He saw me as this sexual fantasy but I wasn't present, his vision of what he wanted sexually was reflected onto me. Unfortunately I took that to be something different, I saw the person the WHOLE person I wanted him to be. While he was fantasizing about me sexually, I was fantasizing about his entirety.
Transformative political possibility? I hope so, I just hope to become one with my sexuality and the person I am/hope to be. The only transformative power I hope this has is to stop being so self-conscious on the inside. I posture at self-esteem, but I have some very low lows. I see sex like this to be able to give me all the emotional cravings I like, in a way that I can perform sexuality with a nice evil cackle while participating in gender normativity as well as ironically mocking it. I have grown up with too much Abercrombie and have lived too much of a normal well-adjusted female life (mind you we all have our issues and hang-ups) to turn to men in makeup or with an axe to grind against the high school jock. I was that high school jock (Think a few parts Mean Girls, one part band geek, and like 3.2 parts nerd queen) I know I was awful I’m now reformed from my evil middle school social climbing ways but I can’t get away from who I was/am and what that has made me. I like the quirky part environmental part alternative wasp.
Maybe my problem is that I think too deeply about this and need to stop theorizing and start doing.
Until I find someone, this is all just fantasy and blog fodder.

Outlet quality "irregulars"

2007-10-24T14:40:00.000-07:00

I'm going to apologize for not posting in awhile. What do you post on a sex blog when you're not having kinky sex? or not even thinking about kinky sex?!?!
Right now I find myself collecting a stable full of strays. They are all very sweet and all have different qualitites, but apparently the most important one is that I have total control and they stroke (not something sexual) my ego. Which I kind of need right now after the loss of my oh so favorite sexual object and love of my life "the boy". It still hurts my heart, and I haven't really dealt with it, although the roomie was great about it. But I think it was for the best, he will never make the grand gesture I oh so desire (move to where I am) so its just a fantasy.
But with my new stable of factory rejects, or outlet quality irregulars I wonder, can I find what I'm looking for? I want a man, full on Y chromosome, intelligent, witty, smart, upwardly mobile (this could be anything, he just has to be working towards something) man who is MANLY and also wants to submit. I am not ready to look on line, since I am not looking for more weird sexual fuckbuddies, I am just looking for someone who can give me those giant puppy dog eyes and still look masculine doing it. That's what I like, the big ole man, submitting to lil ole me. It turns me on, I want to enjoy my smallness and femininity and control your big male self. No more wussy guys (sorry wussy guys) or overly dominant guys (sorry all you cavemen types).
are you out there?
As you can see I have both right now.
I have a guy who is so sexually agressive it borders on rape and makes me feel uncomfortable, he texts (not even calls, such a bad news bear) and wants me to come over at 10pm to hang out. Um, not going to happen.
And then I have a few who think I am awesome, but they are not agressive enough.

I miss my boy.
not to mention I saw his doppelganger last night, compelte with puppy dog eyes and lovely mouthed slightly opened innocence....sigh

I will post some cool new stuff on here soon, give me time to go through some growing pains.

Where do you fall?

2007-10-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

I think (and I've actually been told) I am a unicorn. A fantastic mythical beast, I am honored.

Moving on

2007-10-16T18:50:00.000-07:00

So The Boy and I are over. I'm done being put through the emotional ringer and he's done with having the same conversation with me about how he's not giving me enough. So tonight I am going to drink a bottle of wine, watch the notebook and then move the fuck on. I tried being emotional and open for once, and it didn't work. So...back to my stable and separation from "feelings" time to move on.
this blog will not end, its not about him dammit, its about me. When I've had time to process I will write more. But rest assured, his number is already deleted and I am too stubborn and thickheaded to revisit that hurt anytime soon.
I also want to say thanks so much for all the support, all the comments have been a true blessing and I feel so happy to know that people are out there that I can turn to.
I wish I can find that guy who wants to play these games with me, but understand the emotional price that they pay. I could never hurt someone I do not love (i know thats weird, but for right now, there is just many issues of trust for me to just play at that) and he never got that.
So posts to come
- more pop culture discussions, i have been meaning to talk about gentlemen prefer blondes (the movie) and wonderwoman (the history) so that's coming
- the OTHER men in my life (yes even when I do feel "feelings" I never put all my eggs in one basket)
- and once I can, how I really feel about the present circumstances.

I want to say thank you to everyone who reads this blog, who listens to my shit, and is my sounding board.

A fantasy and a worry

2007-10-08T20:20:00.002-07:00

SO I have this fantasy, and I thought I would share some of it and see what people thought. I don't know this whole new sex life where I talk openly about what actually turns me on still gives me the heeby jeebies, but If I’m going to talk about these things with the boy, then I am going to have to be comfortable with saying it.
It kind of reminds me when I was younger and used to make out. Weird slight side note and story but I totally remember when I was younger and boys would touch me you know "down there" (if I’m going to talk about when I was in high school and early college, I might as well get right back into the mindset) I used to always push their hand away when I was feeling good, when it was getting too much. It was also, they never took the time to work out my excitement on my time, and so they just went straight for the clit. But I also never let myself truly get into the experience and go with the orgasm, I always pushed their hand away and quickly closed my legs, don't ask me why I did this. This is probably why I am so good at head, good way to get them to forget about what’s between my legs, if I’m between theirs.
Ok back to the story, so I have this fantasy, but it only involves the boy I cant put someone else in this fantasy yet. I want to have a threesome, but not in a traditional sort of way I guess. I want another woman there but she's MY play toy, basically she follows my orders, does to him what I want, he can't touch her and he has to watch me the entire time and tell me how much he likes it and thank me for it, and every now and then, I would hit him and caress him too. Oh, and he would be totally handcuffed with those nice leather ones. She would do all the work until I was ready to fuck him, and I would just get to watch, he could ask for things he wanted, but I wouldn't work on his needs because I control her. And then when I was turned on, when I wanted him, I would politely ask her to leave and we would fuck like no other.
So besides the fact that I don't know if I can control him let along some strange non-existent fantasy woman, but... is this wrong? I’m demeaning another woman for my fetish play. I feel bad about wanting to do something like this, but I find it so hot. I also find it so awful that just saying it makes me feel really creepy and wonder 1- could I really go through with it and 2- should I? Besides being so not vanilla style sex- can I handle the emotion that this would bring up in me?
(Maybe I will save this for like a 10-year anniversary, I would hope by then I would have the stones to do this)

Ok, so am I weird? What happens when you're halfway through a scene and you can't do it, it starts to make you feel small instead of big and the squishiest form of vulnerability ever?

It's just a little bit of History repeating

2007-10-03T19:40:00.000-07:00

Jesus, I just realized something about myself and I’m amazed that I’m that predictable and pissed that I’m doing it again.
Fuck
So if you read past blog entries I sort of whine about the fact that I have no stable of men, that it dwindled and became a stable of zero and blah blah, change of life, new leaf, no more stringing men and keeping them around but I get hurt and like the attention all at the same time, etc etc
Well fuck
I'm doing it again, I was getting in bed getting all excited to relive that make out on the precipice which was super hot and super innocent at the same time (even though I was making him tell me he wanted me to hit him harder) and then I realized, shit, I'm not fantasizing about The boy, I'm thinking of someone else, someone has gained entry into my one handed bedtime stories, and that got me thinking, shit
The stable is back....
In this stall we have
Mr. Boston- an original stable member who I made out with in Cancun in get ready... 2001 that long ago, he floats in and out. But these days, I’m not so swept up in him, but he’s a super nice guy, really cute, and has a really quick wit. But been there, moving on...

Then we have all young and chipper...
The Swede, an exchange student who I met out who is 4 yrs younger than me, right out of school and so bright eyed and bushy tail that he makes me think of a cartoon chipmunk, (also painfully bad in bed) no hip swerve just jackhammer but I blame his youth. This one has potential though because he’s a fast learner and I think can be trained.

There are a few more, but they are in different stages of coming in and going out, like past make outs that are thinking back fondly and might return, and new flirtations that are too new to make that call and see if they make it in, but dammit I’m rebuilding my empire. While I like it, I wont get bored and I will always have something (or someone) to think about. I'm not sure I want to; I want to be able to combine what I get from all of them into one human person. I’m fucking needy! I like getting, as much of my physical and psychological needs met...but maybe I'm ready to move on? Maybe I SHOULD move on? But I cant see myself getting serious with any of them (Except the boy, but that is too painful to think about, thinking about him hurts my heart) but this new boy (the out of town make out,) is moving away too, so yet again, he’s in the stable and due to circumstance cant make it in the main house.
And thinking of my stable, is this the way i avoid getting hurt in serious relationships or am I just really dam picky and wont make a move with
1- men who adore me (and that freaks me out)
2- men who intimidate me and therefore dick me over/we mutually move on
Ok I'm done thinking too deep in my head, I'm going back to that hot ass picture and think of the naughty things I want to do to that exposed chest.

The coming week/ my "to do" list

2007-10-01T20:12:00.000-07:00

Ok so I haven't posted in awhile because things haven't been that exciting or difficult to work out. Well probably both of those things aren't true, but I’ll start from the beginning and work my way back down.
Always the place to start the boy.
I have been thinking of a way to talk to him about my concerns.
1- I am not sure he likes me or he likes the image of me he can create in his mind (and corollary to this he worries that to please him I will become the woman or bow to the woman he has in his mind- this one is only slightly true)
2- he's not attentive enough, and I know he’s in a rough spot but he needs to think about my needs too and that its just a fact that I am needier and he is going to have to know how to deal with that
3- now here is where it gets hairy, I finally confronted him about the fact that I think we have been cheated out of our relationship since we have never lived in the same place for too long. I was drunk and it all just came out, and I wasn't ready to share this with him yet because I didn't think it through and it probably came out whiny and annoying. Fuck, and he’s not in a good place because he's missing home and when I want to be comforted, I don’t do so well with the comforting and then things get even weirder between us.
Phew.
But I think where he is in his life; it’s easier for him to come here than for me to totally uproot myself in 3 yrs and move someplace where I have no family. If he chooses to go back to school where I live, that’s a great training wheels period with a finite ending that we can experience each other and then, if I am still in love with him, it miraculously worked out then I am ready to jump off a cliff if I have to keep him around.

So on that note, I'm just going to take a breather from him for awhile (I think it might be best, but as always I love your comments and thoughts) and just let him think for awhile, although he gets stuck in his head too much, if he’s not there 100% I can't make him. And I hate just puking feelings everywhere since I get uncomfortable when that happens to me I don't want to do it. I think in a few days we'll talk about it, and since I wrote it out, it hopefully will go smoother. I just think that its time for me to either jump into it, or stop caring no more feelings limbo with this one.

Next post: possible adorable little international man-child I can mold to my every kinky fantasy. Rendezvous with the boy I beat up when I went out of town… and hopefully less procrastination and more completion of work.

NO MORE FANTASY, REALITY!

2007-09-24T08:08:00.000-07:00

So this post took a few days of marinating in my mind for me to be able to write it.
I mean, I had to think of the perfect way to introduce this, but it failed me.
I DD IT!
For the first time ever, I hit a man (intentionally and for my pleasure) during a sexual act. And Jesus, it was absolutely- fucking-awe inspiring-fantastic. There are no words to describe the high I got from the brute force of it, as well as the high I got from hearing his response (positive!). I was always worried that I couldn't do it/break out of my shell, /hit someone, and make it seem sexy. I mean I worry that if I slap someone in the face I'll ruin their eardrum and for the rest of their life their balance will be off. But that never happened (yay!!)
So details:
I was away for the weekend, and all this talk with the boy (see previous posts) got me thinking and got me way hot and bothered. And I was wondering, yes I can talk about it (slightly) and yes, I want to do it but CAN I?
I was out, in a new town, surrounded with people who don't know me and I said, why not? This is the perfect time/place to try on my dominant training wheels. I met this guy at a club, absolutely adorable. Tall, built, that perfect combo of skater boy and urban player. I was drunk, so it came easy. I will go into details because I want to relive them again. We shall call him Tom.
So things were looking good, I really got along with him. We had great conversation (that I vaguely remember, see above inebriation comment) and I could tell he was into me so it was green light go! We went from show, to after party, to apparently “make out point”. I fucking kid you not, I made out like a 50s teenage movie star. Annette and me have been to Make Out Point. But it was cute in that “I’m drunk and am going to hit you so I’ll let you take me wherever since things might get hairy anyway” kinda way.
Up on a hill, overlooking the city sitting on a rock (or a precipice...it just sounds funnier) I got violent and FUCKING LOVED IT. There were of course make outs before there always has to be foreplay, and I wanted to see how he felt about the whole “take charge thing”. Because if we remember, even if its vanilla sex I’m having I will no longer allow myself to be put in situations where I feel uncomfortable/pressured into things/uncomfortable positions mind AND body. SO I did it! And it was exhilarating and great, now I can’t take full responsibility, I should be totally honest. I did apologize a few times; I mean, I didn’t know how to proceed. I kept saying sorry (goes back to my constant need for validation) but once I started hearing his moans, and could see that he enjoyed what I was doing I WENT TO TOWN. From now on, I can only date boys who have enough hair that I can get a nice good grip. I grabbed hair; I pulled, (awesome). I pulled him towards me, I pulled him away from me (I took a page out of DevastatingYet’s book with her love of Jos’ collar) I dragged that boy around by his hair. And when I wasn’t bending him to my will I was steadying his face so I could smack him (delicious, that sound!!!!) There was a point when (mind the graphic nature, small children look away) when he was fingering me (there is just no nice way to say that) while I was holding myself upright (yes, we were both standing) by pulling on his hair with his head facing up while I was biting his neck to hold on (I’m sure I left a mark). This is of course when he decided to just slightly mention that he had a condom. Sorry folks, I was on a precipice, not gonna happen, which is exactly what I told him. So he tried to get me down on my back, which of course did not lead to sex, but more face slapping, and me asking for him to beg for it (which he did). But there was no orgasm in his future (this one was about me testing my limits, in a bed, and comfy and in a house maybe… with twigs in my back and his shirt under my ass…. not so much). I don’t remember if I came (read: drunk) but I am super psyched I tried this. Now I know I can’t expect every boy to enjoy this that I drag/bring home from the club, but it’s a good place to start and good to know that maybe I don’t need to look to the RPG/DD playing nerds for a little bdsm luvin. Now can I turn some Abercrombie models? That’s who I want to hit and tie up… or maybe there is a part II of this story, Tom is moving away, but I am wiling and able for round II as long as he expects/can handle more of the same.

For what happened INSIDE tom’s car while I was playing on the precipice getting my sadistic rocks off check some of the other blogs I check, it won’t be hard, you don’t need to be Columbo.

New Tagline

2007-09-23T06:18:00.000-07:00

I just changed my tag line. I'm not "coming to terms" with anything. That just sounds like I have some sort of disease I need to accept and move on from. So, it needed to go; I am a fresh faced newbie that wants to find cute hot verile sexy ass men who get off on letting me be violent and slightly sadistic (insert evil laugh) during acts of foreplay and sex.

Update

2007-09-23T06:07:00.000-07:00

So, I have a lot to share but for the sake of continuity I will go in order and give you guys the scandalous post next. SO; update on boy.

He responded to that email in one sentence. He liked the orgasm control stuff but 1- did not comment on any of the other things 2- actually didn't accomplish the no orgasm rule, and then told me about it.

I did not like either of those repsones.

then he called and we talked, and he said the e-mail overwhelmed him, and he doesn't know what to do about us. That if we lived in the same place he would like to do these things but that I demand a lot from him and he doesn't want to dissapoint.
To which I said
1- doing this long distance allows us to epxlore our fantasies in a non judgemental non realistic environment that I think allows for more openness. If someone has a problem or gets weirded out, it all existed over the phone or through email and therefore can easily be fixed and discussed in a fashion that I feel comfortable exploring without any negative consequences of too serious emotions or hearbreak (I know I will be proved wrong on this)
2- I know I overwhelm him, I overwhelm myself, I get caught up in life and fling myself at it full force, it's hard for anyone to deal with that, especially a boy who is confused with life,himself and his sexuality. But that's why we work.
3- he could never dissapoint me (Well that is totally untrue) but as long as we talk about our actions and their consequences and don't get all passive aggressive I don't see how he could dissapoint me in the way he talks about it.

so any thoughts on how to do this long distance?
I'm thinking that we need to have some sort of schedule, and that part of his submission NEEDS to be understanding my emotional needs and meeting those. And that is what I was trying to convey, I hope it got through.

Stepping off into oblivion (inclinations towards melodrama)

2007-09-18T21:20:00.000-07:00

so before I share the email exchange I am beginning with the demoted boy, I thought I would say first, Props to me for being a posting fiend! Secondly, I still don't know if I am going to tell him about this blog, I'm not ready to share yet.

so here is the edited version of my fall into the abyss. I call it that because he's my first. The first boy I have ever said I love you to (he said it first, and it wasn't during sex so therefore it counts), the first person I really talked to even before we decided (well HE decided, he brought it up). so therefore this is super hard, and it might not end well (odds are against it). but thats ok, because I will always look back fondly, and this might just be a stepping stone for both of us, who knows. so here it goes.

*****
I had fun talking to you, you’re fun, I like the things we talk about. I like talking about these things with you. So I was thinking since Im **(insert your own adjective), I’m going to think too much. I am going to make some demands. This will help me get comfortable in expressing myself and being the dominant woman of (apparently) both of our fantasies.
for me to feel like I can dominate, I need to feel less out of control and more secure. Lets take this one step at a time and one emotion at a time. (if you want me to be blunt here, lets not get bogged down in relationship talk, lets just talk) Because I want to do this, and it might get intense, and we have to be able to talk about our fantasies, not feel judged, and then talk about how things worked out after. Sound good? So therefore, I need to be able to make demands on you, I will try to make them reasonable demands, like I might whine for you to come visit, and try to demand too much of your time but those are decisions you have to make on your own and that’s not the control I want to have. I will only make demands that are in reach, like…I want to try this no masturbation thing, I want to see how long you can go, I want you to have to ask, and I want to be able to say no, and I want you to then come for me, BY me. (well with my help, I don’t live close enough nearby for that to totally work, but next time we see each other that can be a great way to start). Make sense?
grar, this is hard for me too

**********

i will keep you posted.

The things I worry about

2007-09-17T19:30:00.001-07:00

Ok So dear three readers, I thought I would wine some more and then I promise I will post some smut. I have enough compiling that I can really titillate now. So as I've said earlier this is all very new to me. I discovered this desire because of since demoted boy and have not really had the opportunity to explore these things outside of my fantasies with said boy. (I don't even know yet if this is something I only feel for him) But these things turn me on. To quote a fellow blogger devastatingyet:
http://devastatingyet.wordpress.com/

"Having Joscelin display ultimate submission to me is not my overarching goal. My overarching goal is having us both be happy, fulfilled, and having a good time. And the truth is, his ultimate submission is not even, for me, the goal of our d/s.
Why do I do d/s with him? I think there are two things I really enjoy about it, to wit,
I get to get what I want, be served, exert control, mold him to my will, etc., and
He displays submissive feelings that I find unspeakably delicious."

I agree and couldn't have said it better, so I just cut and pasted it. But I worry, as much as he worries that he is "weird" I worry that he will think I'm weird, that I will let someone see me so exposed and vulnerable to explore with them fantasies I have about hitting them (I mean, come on...what Disney Princess wants to do that, and we all know I aspire to be what my 5 yr old self thought life was like) But that’s what I worry about, because I worry that he wants to get off on being hit, and I want to get off on the power, on that rush. He wants the physicality and the image of domination that he sees in popular media, and I want him to turn over his squishy center demand being loved on my terms. Is that weird? Is this doomed? Are we looking for two different things, and most importantly can we find each other in the middle? Grar

The Golden Compass

2007-09-16T19:04:00.001-07:00

Ok, so last year I came across the best books ever. If you have ever liked the Narnia series but were slightly miffed with all the God and Jesus references and overtones, check out Philip Pullman's "His Dark Materials" series. I give you until Dec when the first movie comes out to catch up.
Here is my deamon. Basically, in the books: your soul lives outside your body in animal form, and the animal form says something about you.

here is mine!

The pickup artist, or the archtype of the Disney Villainess (me)

2007-09-10T19:35:00.000-07:00

So 3 readers, has anyone seen this show on VH1 called the pickup artist? I am sad to say, SO sad to say that that shows has my fucking number. Women, go watch that show and tell me he doesn’t. He deconstructed how to make us weak and marketed it to losers. What a genius. He’s a weird looking dude, but just looking at him I can tell he’s the kind of man who would let me pull his hair while I sat in his lap and make him tell me all those naughty things he wants me to do, he pleads… oh the games would begin… And he’s not my type! And the lines he tells these guys are horrendous, actually think he’s kind of revolting in an aging Tommy Lee sort of way, but it makes sense! He knows how to keep himself interesting at every stage of the pickup, therefore you aren’t really looking around. I can see how his system works, and he would grow on you. He can understands your fantasies and the exact way to manipulate them. Jesus Christ I want that talent, just think of the power dynamic in that foreplay, actually playing cat and mouse in the beginning…phew. I would walk around Oozing sex if I was him, and that fellow readers (Watchers) is how he does it. A true dominant, he is dominant in life, like an actual dog, he can lead a pack. I envy his talent, and the trail of heartbreak he probably leaves behind. He knows how to read all our fantasies, and that’s why he’s all of our kryptonite. To be that gifted at manipulating a man, I get turned on just to think about it.
I need to go hit someone and cackle, please excuse me.

WTF?

2007-09-09T21:03:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to comment on that picture, because the more I stare at it, the more it freaks me out. Is that woman looking at DaVinci's drawings of a man, or bondage, and what is she going to do with all those dildos? Best story and creative submission wins a biscuit.
Also, I don't enjoy that that website all the archtypes of female sexuality, not one of the drawings represents a woman of color. What if you're a black bottom? or a hispanic romantic? where are THOSE women?

In life as in sex..

2007-09-09T20:58:00.000-07:00

I took this quiz to see what my erotic personality is, turns out I got "the student". I think its accurate. Take the test and let me know what YOU get.

I took Sage Vivant's Erotic Personality Quiz and discovered I'm a Student!

What is your Erotic Personality? Find out now..

Coming out of my Kinky Closet

2007-09-06T19:01:00.001-07:00

Ok dear 3 readers, I'm going to do something I haven't done yet on this blog. It's a big vulnerable step, but I feel if I ever want someone to actually PARTICIPATE in the sex I want I need to be able to get it out there and talk about it, the particulars and be able to actually say the uncomfortable word that is pussy. Women are taught not to be sexual beings so this is a hard one, especially when the things that get you excited are considered something of a taboo. If I ever want to be the dominant woman of a hot subs' fantasy, I need to be the dominant woman for myself and my fantasies. Expose myself! Come out of my kinky closet. Time to woman up in the name of the/my female orgasm!

Its a dam shame that the boy (still demoted) was the one who brought me to actually let myself think about the things that turn ME on instead of all those fucktards I used to make out with. LIke I said, my douchebag quotient is supremely high (i think its because I want to conquer the unconquerable, they are a notch in my belt just as much as I am in theirs) but they are always dissapointing. Like I have said previously, I am DONE with the uncomfortable blow jobs and inconsiderate sexual partners.
Now i get to think about sex that turns ME on. and don't let me fool you, I've had good sex, but its so few and far between.
THINGS I LIKE: I like new things, I like to explore, it always needs to be fun and serious at the same time, thats what gets me wet. I like being coy, and I like being direct, I like laughing during sex and I like hitting you too. I get turned on by men tied up, and I get turned on by the vulnerable moments.
I want to hit you because i want to see your anticipation, and those fucking adorable puppy dog eyes that make me melt (this can be expanded to all guys, i love expressive eyes, i only sleep with people with gorgeous eyes, but the boy, his take the cake for that vulnerable male goopiness that just makes my belly flop, maybe a post just on eyes to come)
is it getting hot in here?
I like looking pretty, for myself, i want you to acknowledge this and find it dead sexy, i wear hot shoes because they make me feel ten fucking feet tall, i like HIM in leather and rope and handcuffs and expensive looking suits, and plain white tee shirts and jeans, and for some reason i have this thing for a zorro mask, oh and dont forget after playing sports when they are hyped up on man on man physical contact. I love the tension the cat and mouse game, i like to wrestle and to play games, and to kick too close to your balls, i like to giggle and i like to hold you down and make you tell me you want me to hit you, it turns me on, I like seeing my small hands next to your big ole man hand and knowing what they can do to your big ole man body.I want you to ask if you can come, and be denied until I'm ready to GIVE that to you. I want to be on top of you and (hopefully) tell you what i want you to do, and expect for you to be impish and break the rules a few times just for my pleasure. I want you to lick my pussy (something i cant say still) and do it right, gentle in the beginning and then hard to make me come. I totally lost my train of thought, but thats what I like, i like when someone tells me i'm beautiful (but not to the point that i feel like i'm being stalked)
I want to be your pleasure AND your pain. I want to kiss the wounds we made together, i want you to cry and i want you to come and I want you to know that it was all because i pushed you to your limits in some sort of capacity. And most of all, I want you to play, I want you (oh mysterious nonexistant partner) to enjoy playing games because you find them just as erotic as I do.
So these are the things I like,
I also would like some more readers, so i think I'm going to start posting some of these "fantasies" in more detail.

A look back

2007-09-01T07:28:00.001-07:00

I LOVE pinup culture, love it. I think it was the heyday of true femininity, yet so obviously feminist. They were adorable, and coy and incredibly ironic. the perfect mix of feminine wiles with oozing sex appeal. I love the clothes and the attitude. Tons of red lips and curled hair. It looks like so much work, so mich prepping, how did people ever get work done when they had to spend that much time on their hair?! But it is fantastic, when women were seen as gorgeous because they had curves, not that waiflike prepubescent nonsense. Just give me one Jean Harlow over these skinny actresses now.
Vargas girls were just sexy enough to be naughty but nothing too risque. The pictures of Betty Paige are fantastic, she makes all that bondage look so innocent and real. No air brushing, just real women doing naughty things looking like women. There is a sense of vulnerability and innocence, even though its sex appeal is so obvious! If I can be anything in my life I would dream to be a Marilyn, Jane, Betty, Jean, Briggite, or a Mae.

Take this quiz:
I got betty paige and could not be happier.
http://www.blogthings.com/whatfamouspinupareyouquiz/

and check this out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pin-up_girl

You're my obsession

2007-08-30T14:27:00.000-07:00

My obsession....
so I recently got HBO and have been catching up with the entourage's I have missed. I have fallen in love dear 3 readers of my blog. Who watches entourage? If you do you are familiar with the crazed indie director Billy Walsh, played by Rhys Coiro. Rhys if you're out there, I want to do all sort of naughty things to you. Please get some photos of yourself nearly or fully naked and send them to me pronto. Tall, dark, handsome and tourtured...that's how I like'em

The uncomfortable word that is pussy

2007-08-28T17:41:00.000-07:00

I thought I would talk about some more insecurities since apparently I am on that train of thought recently. So now that I am coming to terms with the things I want, and the things I want to say to the boy, how do i do that without feeling slightly foolish and therefore loosing all cool in my role as a dominant woman? I mean, I don't like using the word cunt, I guess I'll have to accept the word pussy. But it sounds weird. I feel weird saying "lick my pussy". And the word clit, also not one of my strong points. Mind you I do like the word "taste". As in "taste me", but yet again, I don't know if i could actually say those things with a straight face. I need to work on getting into character. I like slapping but I am afraid of hitting someone, not because it will hurt them, what if I hit them wrong and hurt myself? I break a blood vessel in my finger, I'll be thinking about that all night. And how do you introduce toys? There is this little red crop thingie I saw at www.babeland.com (check it out its called the lolipop) I covet that. It looks perfect for what I want to do, that one I'm not afraid to share. By the time a crop comes out to play, your partner better know that this is the direction you want to take it. I just feel weird starting the scene I guess. Since the boy (who as you can tell is not the boyfriend, demotion) is away and most of our interactions now will be through e-mail and phone conversations, I need to work on my presence, which is I think a good start. But I am confused and insecure as to how to start. I mean, these are all things I have been trained as a female to avoid. Don't tell him what you want, don't make demands, don't take charge, and of course don't enjoy (like really enjoy) sex. These things haven’t worked for me so far, my stable is growing cobwebs, and I haven't been able to land a good man with just my love of sex. I mean, I know I'm good at it. If you want a lesson on how to give head, I can give you a tutorial, but accepting and loving MY sexuality, its just an uphill battle. I just fear rejection, but I have to learn to become confident in what I want and ok that if I tell him my kink and he doesnt reciprocate, then he wasn't the person for me. Time to expose my underbelly!
ps- I have this fantastic image of him in these incredibly starched blindingly white boxer briefs, i know its simple, but there's more. I'll share once I write it all down.

Spy v. Spy

2007-08-21T23:15:00.000-07:00

so i thought I would use this forum also to just air my dirty laundry and talk smack about myself. For someone who wants to be able to call the shots in the bedroom, you would expect extreme confidence. But sadly, that is not the case. Mind you, I do have some, but I am still trying to come to terms with who I am in a world of people who are not like me. I mean, I went to an elite university full of wasps and that totally freaked me out, not being included in things just because I couldn't trace my family back to the Mayflower and my family likes to eat "ethnic" foods and I tan easier than most. So therefore I have a sick desire to become, waif-like, blonde, and generally unexciting. It looks easier, they always have boyfriends (I never have one, I just have my stable of losers who flit in and out, but who I love desperately and get upset when they move on and find serious relationships that aren't me. Although I doubt I would want any of them around for more than few days without wanting to hurt them, and not in the good way.) I am not tall, I am not skinny, and I am far from the blonde boarding school girls decked out in their Lilly Pulitzer that I so despise and admire at the same time. I like my quirks, I just wish it landed me more decent men. This does then go back to the point that I usually like douchebags...
But if it wasn't for all the douches, I would have never found my calling. All douches (I shouldn't essentialize, but since this is my forum, I will) feel they need to take charge in th bedroom. And this always leads to me thinking of my "to do" list and having my head crammed un uncomfortable positions that make my neck hurt, and my self-esteem plumet. I feel that all men should make it their goal to make sure a woman (or man) feels comfortable when they have their mouth around your dick. I hated the humiliation I felt when this would happen. I don't like being on the recieving end of humiliation or pain, yet, when I took control, told them what to do, what I want and where they could shove their uncomfortable high school blow jobs I got excited, wet, and with the ones who found my excitement a turn on, things got fun. So I guess this is a post about my conflicted selves. The self who wants the bland barbie life with her blonde wasp who has missionary sex and only cares about their gratification (but this is only because of the gorgeous facade they display and parade at country clubs that won't accept me as a member) and the person who I am, yet sometimes I am ashamed of. She's weird and quirky, is a fan of high heels and slutty makeup and wants to find a man (maybe even a few) who want to explore what I want, because that is also what they want and maybe, I'll be at peace with who I am if I find someone else to walk besides me all the way?
so cheesy and lame, but sometimes we all get a little sentimental.

Existential Crisis #1

2007-08-16T17:52:00.000-07:00

So I've had some musings...but I don't think I really have enough readers to post an existential crisis. But I'll just go for it and see what happens.
so existential crisis #1:
So a little back story, I usually like a stable of men. Nothing serious, just a mixture of men I keep (and they spread to many continents), through e-mail, IM, phone and personal interactions I have a pretty sizable bunch. It's pretty much training wheels BDSM because I never had a community to call my own or people I could draw ideas from (thank you bitchy!!!) until now, so i was in the dark about a lot of stuff.
So these men I keep them around to make me feel good. A greeting card if you will. someone to always call me pretty, remember a wonderful time they had with me, and just generaly either lift my spirits or get me off when I feel like giving them the attention. But sometimes I lose one, and its always hard. they are MINE. mind you, i dont want to date them seriously, i just dont want them to date anyone else. i know, its selfish. So with my latest member defecting, i'm qestioning my ways. and also thinking...
ok, so now I have yet another requirement for the men I date. And the list was long to begin with.
Must be:
cute, intelligent, driven, witty, taller than me, fun to hang out with (staying in or going out), a good dancer, interested in travel, and able to explore new things and have fun
(mind you, i ususally give on some of these) This list is pretty long, and now i;ve added one more?!?!

with all my men defecting and my age not getting younger, am I just adding to my inability to ever find someone to grow old with?
ug, the feminist in me is pissed that i am thinking this way, but fuck it, i dont want to be wrinkly and all alone. what if i slip in the bathtub? they wont find me until the smell starts bothering my neighbors!! (if you couldnt tell, things aren't going well with boyfriend, we're kinda 'taking a break') grr
so frustrating

Looking Back; the story of the Preacher Man

2007-08-10T13:07:00.000-07:00

So I thought i would share with everyone the first time i really got a high from a sexual encounter and looking back, probably the beginning of my love of the power dynamic of a BDSM sexual "lifestyle" (of course i didn't know this at the time).

I was in college on my semester abroad. I always seem to go for the ones who are either the pompous douchebags, or the tortured soul douchebags. This boy falls into the latter category. We shall call him Preacher Man. Every morning he would wake up at 6am to pray, a good boy from the MidWest, and of course saving himself for marriage. If you can tell by the moniker I gave him, he also aspired to be a Pastor. (he made it pretty close, last I heard he is a religious social worker). So we lived in a really sparse dorm situation and we both had roommates, so we had to get creative with our endeavours.
Preacher Man and I started talking over drinks one night, which turned into some make outs in a corner (very classy).
This innocent little relationship soon turned into me continually testing his limits and trying to push him into seriously questioning his morality in relation to his sexuality and religion (seriously, he told me it kept him up at nights).

I don't even remember how this started, but he called it "wrestling" which in reality, it totally was. We would meet up in a unused storage closet, empty and not air conditioned and do just that, we would cage fight basically until we were both sweaty and out of breath, everything was allowed (I never play fair) I would bite, smack, hit him dangerously close to places he cherised, and also was known to put all my weight into knocking his legs out from under him. He of course, being about a foot taller than me, could always subdue me. He'd push his entire weight on top of me while holding down my hands (usually over my head). It got pretty serious, i was always bruised in shapes oddly similar to hands complete with fingers, and he couldn't go shirtless from all the bites I gave him. But this is where it get's interesting, once he had me down he would lose his nerve and I would just stare back at him, like "come on, big man, this is your game what's next (knowing that he couldnt make those decisions), it was pretty weird but incredibly hot. Until he admitted that his size and control didn't equal him winning (even while he was still on top of me), then we would start making out. It was such a big rush! And obviously he loved it too, I would make him ask for the things he wanted to do with me/to me, knowing fully well that saying such things would humiliate him. Making him use the same mouth he spoke to God with to ask me to suck him off, or ask if he could go down on me. I would pretend I couldn't hear him and make him repeat it. Since he as a virgin, the pesky question of sex and when this ended was all on me, yes I would give him head usually, but it was never expected or required. Most of the time, i would get on top of him ad dry hump him while telling him what sex feels like/what it would feel like. He aimed to please, since he was over compensating for the no sex part, and he took direction wonderfully.
I'm not saying this situation didn't totally fuck me up too, I mean, he was emotionally unavailable and confused about why he liked what we were doing, yet in his mind saw it as wrong. So he blamed me for corrupting him, for leading him astray, etc. But he would always come back. And of course, I wasn't a big fan of being snubbed and looked down upon for things I knew we both liked.
Even today, he randomly calls and emails. He wanted to get together recently. He is now divorced from his wife (he waited until marriage) and wanted to reconect. But I have no interest in going back, I want to move forward. We both got out of it what we wanted. I learned that I like my sex with a devlish smirk and a side of surrender, and he learned that sexuality is more complex and fun than what he learnd in bible study. He needs to move on, and so do I. No more tortured souls, I need someone confident in their submission (still haven't found that, more on Boyfriend later)

Vacation, crisis of identity

2007-08-10T06:26:00.001-07:00

Sorry I've been gone. I went away for 10 days (without boyfriend) and decided to take a break from writing and try doing some thinking for a change. Will update shortly. The boy has been giving my problems of late, with him its like one step fwd, 4 steps back. He has issues with wrestling with his desires versus what society has told him he should do/be. He also has issues (i think) with the level of intimacy a relationship like this requires. any people out there have any ideas how to get over this hurdle?

Friday (getting) off

2007-07-28T06:30:00.001-07:00

So boyfriend is out of the country for awhile, and has left me to my thoughts, which is always a bad idea. No matter what it is, I have a penchant for becoming obsessed. If I start a book, I can't put it down until its finished, if i watch a movie (even if it sucks) I have to watch the whole thing...I get all wrapped up in things. And so I took friday off, and decided to have a personal day. Which translated into me spending the entire day smoking and looking at BDSM sites on the internet. I want to thank bitchy jones for having the most comprehensive site out there. Since I am new to the world of blogging i am not sure how to link, but here you go http://bitchyjones.wordpress.com/. SO anyhoo...i spent all day looking at gay porn (why is that the only place you can find attractive men?) is that weird?

My First Impression

2007-07-27T05:44:00.001-07:00

So when boyfriend told me this, my first thought was...um. Yeah that about summed it all up. The world-traveler, liberal feminist in me was like ok; don't dismiss this that quickly, ask more questions find out what he means and what this means. The suburban daddy's girl who was brought up with a catholic mother thought....eeeeeewww!
So that was my first introduction to the world of BDSM, and mind you, this is coming from a man, correction a boy whose only knowledge is his one time experience with a professional dominatrix and internet porn and wikipedia; not all credible sources. I will delve into his knowledge at another time, this blog is about me. SO, anyhow, tangent aside; all that was running through my mind was these amazonian women in harsh PVC ensembles forcing my adorable little boyfriend to do things that I couldn't even fathom, like lick their boots (why?) and tie him to things (potential) and hit him (didn't really get it). But since I think this boy is the bees knees, i went with it...and that brought a whole slew of problems for us; he thought I wasn't doing it for myself but was playing along because i wanted to please him (slightly true), but he also couldn't handle the honesty and the reality of the fact that he wanted to submit and be brought down by me. (He's one of those crazy alpha males in life, loves sports, plays the roughest ones, etc but very quiet and actually very tender)
BUT; what kept me in it and still does while I think through what I like (the bondage stuff is a real trip, and a little pain isnt bad, etc) and what I don't like (I'm not a fan of these archetypical female characters like the school matron who feminizes, or the godess who demands diety worship, etc. or a lot of the accessories, I like costumes and I like clothes and shoes, but all the weird leather and metal shit freaks me out, i don't like ball gags, or strap ons, there is nothing appealing in their asthetic representation) I get off on the power, its a rush. To see his big blue eyes look up at me with this vulnerability and absolute blind worship, it's a fucking trip. I like the coddling at the end, the holding of his head, I like him curling up in my arms even though he's almost twice the size of me, I like watching him not know what's coming next but willing to follow even though it might hurt (and how much pain can i really inflict?)
so while my first impression was slightly comic book like, i think I can make this work for me. But I still am not a big fan of established "fetish" scenes, too focused on accessories and "looking the part" and that look just happens to be a cross between victorian vampire erotica and school shooting head case, both of which don't do it for me.

How this all started...

2007-07-25T06:34:00.000-07:00

So I guess I will have to provide some background info, so boyfriend and I went to college together, after school he moved (for work) to London and I moved to the city (for school). We were friends in college, and hooked up occasionally, nothing too serious although looking back he was my favorite. (I have a slight problem with liking and giving in to douchebags, he was probably one of the non-douchebags i made out with in college, and sadly there were only a few of those; another day another post). We kept in touch and I heard through the grapevine he was dating someone (ick), this lasted for awhile then he was able to split his time between the city and London so we started seeing more of each other (girlfriend has since gone). Mind you its been like YEEEAARS now, so we've both grown up a lot since then (especially me, i was such a chicken head, but still have intimacy issues, from said douchebags). And one drunken night while we're in my apartment drinking a bottle of red wine and snuggling, he says 'I haven't mentioned this to anyone, but i want to tell you' and of course my mind starts racing, oh jesus what is he going to tell me. " I went to a dominatrix when I was living in London". and so begins our discussion and my exploration...

Things you won't find on this blog

2007-07-25T06:18:00.000-07:00

My privacy is very important to me, so I will never divulge specific or personal information. I live in a moderate city and am currently in a relationship with someone who I will only describe as "boyfriend", he splits his time between the town we live in and London. (He's American, but his job has him overseas a lot since the main office of where he works is located in, you guessed it London). I have a job, you don't need to know the details, but it allows me a lot of autonomy and flexibilty (I am not a prostitute or a paid mistress) I am a young 25 year old gal, and have no issues at work or in my personal relationships with asserting myself. Like all women, I have had confidence issues, but after many years of stupid behavior and dating douchebags I have finally become comfortable in my skin, although there are times when I backpeddle (not everyone can feel beautiful and confident all the time). I think this originally excited me because I get to be in my fantasies the woman I would like to be in my daily life; in control, yet calm and confident. (not to mention I get to wear and my boyfriend likes when I spend money on utterly useless shoes and undergarments). how many guys you know support your corset and shoe fetish?

Begining

2007-07-25T06:03:00.000-07:00

So I thought I would start this blog so i have an outlet for my thoughts as I go through this process. As the eternal nerd that I am, when a boyfriend mentioned his desire to be dominated, I of course turned to the internet and amazon.com for some reading material. This blog will chronicle my journey (and I guess his) to be the strong female he wants me to be, as well as the strong female that I have discovered I want to be too.