Spy v. Spy

so i thought I would use this forum also to just air my dirty laundry and talk smack about myself. For someone who wants to be able to call the shots in the bedroom, you would expect extreme confidence. But sadly, that is not the case. Mind you, I do have some, but I am still trying to come to terms with who I am in a world of people who are not like me. I mean, I went to an elite university full of wasps and that totally freaked me out, not being included in things just because I couldn't trace my family back to the Mayflower and my family likes to eat "ethnic" foods and I tan easier than most. So therefore I have a sick desire to become, waif-like, blonde, and generally unexciting. It looks easier, they always have boyfriends (I never have one, I just have my stable of losers who flit in and out, but who I love desperately and get upset when they move on and find serious relationships that aren't me. Although I doubt I would want any of them around for more than few days without wanting to hurt them, and not in the good way.) I am not tall, I am not skinny, and I am far from the blonde boarding school girls decked out in their Lilly Pulitzer that I so despise and admire at the same time. I like my quirks, I just wish it landed me more decent men. This does then go back to the point that I usually like douchebags...
But if it wasn't for all the douches, I would have never found my calling. All douches (I shouldn't essentialize, but since this is my forum, I will) feel they need to take charge in th bedroom. And this always leads to me thinking of my "to do" list and having my head crammed un uncomfortable positions that make my neck hurt, and my self-esteem plumet. I feel that all men should make it their goal to make sure a woman (or man) feels comfortable when they have their mouth around your dick. I hated the humiliation I felt when this would happen. I don't like being on the recieving end of humiliation or pain, yet, when I took control, told them what to do, what I want and where they could shove their uncomfortable high school blow jobs I got excited, wet, and with the ones who found my excitement a turn on, things got fun. So I guess this is a post about my conflicted selves. The self who wants the bland barbie life with her blonde wasp who has missionary sex and only cares about their gratification (but this is only because of the gorgeous facade they display and parade at country clubs that won't accept me as a member) and the person who I am, yet sometimes I am ashamed of. She's weird and quirky, is a fan of high heels and slutty makeup and wants to find a man (maybe even a few) who want to explore what I want, because that is also what they want and maybe, I'll be at peace with who I am if I find someone else to walk besides me all the way?
so cheesy and lame, but sometimes we all get a little sentimental.