A fantasy and a worry

SO I have this fantasy, and I thought I would share some of it and see what people thought. I don't know this whole new sex life where I talk openly about what actually turns me on still gives me the heeby jeebies, but If I’m going to talk about these things with the boy, then I am going to have to be comfortable with saying it.
It kind of reminds me when I was younger and used to make out. Weird slight side note and story but I totally remember when I was younger and boys would touch me you know "down there" (if I’m going to talk about when I was in high school and early college, I might as well get right back into the mindset) I used to always push their hand away when I was feeling good, when it was getting too much. It was also, they never took the time to work out my excitement on my time, and so they just went straight for the clit. But I also never let myself truly get into the experience and go with the orgasm, I always pushed their hand away and quickly closed my legs, don't ask me why I did this. This is probably why I am so good at head, good way to get them to forget about what’s between my legs, if I’m between theirs.
Ok back to the story, so I have this fantasy, but it only involves the boy I cant put someone else in this fantasy yet. I want to have a threesome, but not in a traditional sort of way I guess. I want another woman there but she's MY play toy, basically she follows my orders, does to him what I want, he can't touch her and he has to watch me the entire time and tell me how much he likes it and thank me for it, and every now and then, I would hit him and caress him too. Oh, and he would be totally handcuffed with those nice leather ones. She would do all the work until I was ready to fuck him, and I would just get to watch, he could ask for things he wanted, but I wouldn't work on his needs because I control her. And then when I was turned on, when I wanted him, I would politely ask her to leave and we would fuck like no other.
So besides the fact that I don't know if I can control him let along some strange non-existent fantasy woman, but... is this wrong? I’m demeaning another woman for my fetish play. I feel bad about wanting to do something like this, but I find it so hot. I also find it so awful that just saying it makes me feel really creepy and wonder 1- could I really go through with it and 2- should I? Besides being so not vanilla style sex- can I handle the emotion that this would bring up in me?
(Maybe I will save this for like a 10-year anniversary, I would hope by then I would have the stones to do this)

Ok, so am I weird? What happens when you're halfway through a scene and you can't do it, it starts to make you feel small instead of big and the squishiest form of vulnerability ever?

Coming out of my Kinky Closet

Ok dear 3 readers, I'm going to do something I haven't done yet on this blog. It's a big vulnerable step, but I feel if I ever want someone to actually PARTICIPATE in the sex I want I need to be able to get it out there and talk about it, the particulars and be able to actually say the uncomfortable word that is pussy. Women are taught not to be sexual beings so this is a hard one, especially when the things that get you excited are considered something of a taboo. If I ever want to be the dominant woman of a hot subs' fantasy, I need to be the dominant woman for myself and my fantasies. Expose myself! Come out of my kinky closet. Time to woman up in the name of the/my female orgasm!

Its a dam shame that the boy (still demoted) was the one who brought me to actually let myself think about the things that turn ME on instead of all those fucktards I used to make out with. LIke I said, my douchebag quotient is supremely high (i think its because I want to conquer the unconquerable, they are a notch in my belt just as much as I am in theirs) but they are always dissapointing. Like I have said previously, I am DONE with the uncomfortable blow jobs and inconsiderate sexual partners.
Now i get to think about sex that turns ME on. and don't let me fool you, I've had good sex, but its so few and far between.
THINGS I LIKE: I like new things, I like to explore, it always needs to be fun and serious at the same time, thats what gets me wet. I like being coy, and I like being direct, I like laughing during sex and I like hitting you too. I get turned on by men tied up, and I get turned on by the vulnerable moments.
I want to hit you because i want to see your anticipation, and those fucking adorable puppy dog eyes that make me melt (this can be expanded to all guys, i love expressive eyes, i only sleep with people with gorgeous eyes, but the boy, his take the cake for that vulnerable male goopiness that just makes my belly flop, maybe a post just on eyes to come)
is it getting hot in here?
I like looking pretty, for myself, i want you to acknowledge this and find it dead sexy, i wear hot shoes because they make me feel ten fucking feet tall, i like HIM in leather and rope and handcuffs and expensive looking suits, and plain white tee shirts and jeans, and for some reason i have this thing for a zorro mask, oh and dont forget after playing sports when they are hyped up on man on man physical contact. I love the tension the cat and mouse game, i like to wrestle and to play games, and to kick too close to your balls, i like to giggle and i like to hold you down and make you tell me you want me to hit you, it turns me on, I like seeing my small hands next to your big ole man hand and knowing what they can do to your big ole man body.I want you to ask if you can come, and be denied until I'm ready to GIVE that to you. I want to be on top of you and (hopefully) tell you what i want you to do, and expect for you to be impish and break the rules a few times just for my pleasure. I want you to lick my pussy (something i cant say still) and do it right, gentle in the beginning and then hard to make me come. I totally lost my train of thought, but thats what I like, i like when someone tells me i'm beautiful (but not to the point that i feel like i'm being stalked)
I want to be your pleasure AND your pain. I want to kiss the wounds we made together, i want you to cry and i want you to come and I want you to know that it was all because i pushed you to your limits in some sort of capacity. And most of all, I want you to play, I want you (oh mysterious nonexistant partner) to enjoy playing games because you find them just as erotic as I do.
So these are the things I like,
I also would like some more readers, so i think I'm going to start posting some of these "fantasies" in more detail.