So this past sat I had a pretty late night out. It was my first night back in town, and I kind of was on the prowl for some new meat. I needed a distraction. It came in the form of two sub par suitors. A sweet little Italian kid from NY, adorable and nice, but I'm not that girl. I don’t do little Guido, I’ve been there already, and it was called 19. Also met this DJ guy who was pretty cute but how can you take someone seriously when their opening line is; “I just want you to know I was addicted to Meth for 3 years, it’s been 5 weeks clean and sober”. Don’t brag about that to strangers until it’s been a year, you just sound silly, no one’s going to give you kudos, and you’re still an addict. You cant brag until its an accomplishment that will last.
So with no prospects and the night over I turned to the tried and true; The Boy.
I call him at like 4 AM; he’s getting home too. We chat for a little while, how was your night how was mine, what’s been going on, silly stories about friends, etc. Its mildly flirtatious but I don’t want mildly right now. I want him to tell me naughty things and get me off; I want to come. Which I tell him; “do you want to have phone sex, I’m kind of in the mood for an orgasm”. He asks me if I'm touching myself; “for about the last 30 min of our conversation” he moans a little into the phone (actually I don’t remember if that was true, it was either a moan, or a sound like, Jesus Christ she’s insatiable). I ask him if he was touching himself, he says yes. (I am not convinced though that he was either or if he said yes, I was hoping he was and since this is my side of the story, I am going to move it along in that direction).
So, during and afterwards I was a little weirded out. Things got pretty bizarre and kinky in directions we haven’t discussed and fetishes that I am not totally sold on. I don’t know, it got me off, oh believe me it did (4 times), but it was a little much for me. I find it hard to be dominant when I don’t feel totally secure or able to go down these paths.
I mean you can’t expect someone to get your kink unless you explicitly tell them, right? And some of it he got right on the head, the begging was great, the telling me he’ll do whatever I want, that I own him, control him, rule him, possess him (that was my favorite, especially with that voice of his).
That’s when I think he started getting into it, and it went someplace I was not ready for. He also describes things and uses adjectives and imagery that I just do not know where they come from, like using words like cavernous, I am not doing it justice, but it slightly reminded me of 40 yr old virgin when he calls boobs sandbags, something like that. But it’s so cute in other instances that I let it go. I wish I remembered more specifics. But he did say he'd like to play power games over his orgasm. He kept on going back to pretty standard BDSM genres. The clothespin stuff and the ass fucking, ok I am there. When he called it my big black cock, I put the breaks on. We’re bringing race into this? I did like when he said mine was bigger than his, not because of the subversion of the racial power dynamic. I was uncomfortable with the meaning of that, to dominate this white boy with my large black cock. I did like the compliment that mine was bigger and stronger and better than his. If I were to have a cock, it would be fantastic. I would get to pick it out and it would become an extension of myself. I do not possess the carriage or experience of being a black man and I cannot use that to humiliate you. What I can do is get the best cock money can buy and humiliate you with that!
It’s like my wig collection; I don’t have long thick hair, so I bought some. I don’t know if it looks real all the time but either way I get the desired response. I get attention, either as someone who has fantastic California beach hair, or a cute girl with cancer. It’s the same thing if I was to have a strap on, it’s not real, but either way I’m going to get a rise. It’s not the real thing, but an imitation, but hell, that imitation provokes one hell of a response anyway; I live the hyperreal.
And then, it got truly weird. He wanted me to dress him up like a girl, call him by a feminized version of his name and call him a sick dirty dyke, my sick dirty lesbian. Now ok, as I write this, I think I can get behind his fantasy if I just work through it.
He (and this is all speculation) is a standard heterosexual man with a penchant for all that shitty faux lesbian porn that’s created just for men. Enjoying licking pussy = a behavior that men do out of obligation and lesbians do out of desire. Since he has desire, therefore he’s a dyke. I can find this twisted cultural norm endearing. I can call him all those dirty words because they evoke lesbian porn for him and call him out for enjoying going down on girls (side note: all men should enjoy it, its fun!). You want me to call you my dirty little dyke, it’s not my way but I can get behind that and still be turned on.
Ok, maybe I cant, I am going back and forth on this one, and I am not 100% sure. I can see why, but I don’t think I can really ever use the associated props. I don’t want you to look pretty. I want you to look like a dude. I like seeing you in men’s underwear, it really turns me on. I don’t want to put lipstick on you unless I am using it to write on your body. I want your lips to look like the soft full, yet masculine lips they are.
I can find other ways of humiliating you that do not revolve around dominating you racially or through gender. I will use some of those cues, but having me fuck you with a big black cock? No, I’m fucking you with my cock and that should be enough. I am not emasculating your whiteness with my subversive blackness. I am not humiliating you with gender because the lowest thing on the totem pole is a lesbian who loves doing lesbian things. I will humiliate you with your desires, with our acts, with your NEED to be called a lesbian, or dominated by a black penis, but you are not a woman nor am I a black man. Do you get the subtle difference (I don’t even know if I do)?
I’ll call you out on being you, I’ll call you out on being the submissive piece of shit that you are, letting me do this, liking this (that I like too, that’s why we’re both here). But I do not feel comfortable fulfilling stereotypical power imbalances that I have lived.
But of course now I worry. I worry that he feels exposed, I worry that he feels embarrassed by his desire. There is nothing I want less than to make him feel wrong. Yet again another contradiction. I want to and he wants to be humiliated, but I also don’t want it to spill over after the fact. The second I hung up the phone I thought to myself, that’s it, yes, I’m weired out by the direction it went, but I’m willing to talk about it. He’s not. I won’t hear from him for months now. And I don’t know if he came, was it all for me? This is too complicated.
I don’t think I am ready for sex on this level, its too problematic. Its like I just have my learners permit and I’m expected to drive an 18-wheeler.
Showing posts with label the boy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the boy. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Part II
Yeah, sorry guys, I don’t see myself writing what went down between me and the boy. It’s emotional, personal and now too much time has passed for me to just write it and not add commentary. I haven’t really spoken to the boy since and I think it’s best if I just move on. It was necessary though, I feel ok about what happened. At one point I had him blindfolded on his stomach. It was pretty gorgeous, I like to be the one gazing, why does it always have to be the male gaze? He looked vulnerable and pretty, but it wasn’t fully there yet. He is the perfect type for my sort of ideal dominance. He’s long and lean and has beautiful features. Being able to focus on them singularly was very enjoyable. He has a gorgeous but small-ish cock that I can handle for many rounds and I cant stop touching him. I think we were trying too hard, and while it worked…since we will never discuss what we liked and what we didn’t; there is no room to grow. I wanted to hit his face (I’m a fan of the face slapping I realize) and he wanted me to spank him. If there was more communication beforehand, we could have worked something out. Not that I didn’t like the spanking, I just didn’t think the power came from me. He took control from the bottom, meh.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Seeing THE boy, first installment
We met on a street corner. He was coming from a full day of work. I was coming from half a bottle of wine with dinner for courage and an energy drink to combat the time difference
The entire week I was preparing for this, I hadn’t seen him in over a year. I didn’t know how things would go. Would he still be interested, would I?
I told all my friends not to worry, this is just drinks, that’s it. We’re two old friends catching up after 5 years of a tumultuous relationship consisting of fantasy and disappointment. This was just a drink, catch up and then walk away so I can go live my life; closure.
The second I saw him all that shit went out of the window. I knew exactly what I was doing that evening, I was fucking him. We walked to a bar downtown; he’s holding a briefcase. I make some snotty comment about him having a real job and needing a briefcase; he counters my snotty remark by showing me the contents of his briefcase. Half a Subway sandwich. His attaché is a lunchbox.
He takes me to one of those fancy nightclubs that most cities have. According to my friend, it’s the swankiest place downtown. To me, it just seems like all the other generic nightclubs I have been to. Dark maroon walls, gothic/modern binary, $10 drinks, too loud music, bottle service. It’s a Thursday and the place is quiet when we get there. After our first drink the after work crowd has landed and the music is thumping and the bottle service is pushing in on our little corner. He’s trying to impress me; this is what he thinks I’m into. I do, a little, and I’m flattered he was trying to pick a meeting spot that he thought I would enjoy, although I would have preferred a little hole in the wall where we could talk, snuggle and perhaps get a little inappropriate.
We’re sitting too close, like people who want to get inside each other. I’m probably smiling too much. We make small talk, school, his job, funny stories. I laugh too much and he moves in closer, putting his hand around my shoulders. I look up into those green eyes and smile. I want to do this, I can’t do this; I’m going to do this.
I want to stay like this forever, the tension, the ease. We’re old friends and shy (yet freaky) lovers. I want to hold his face; I want to gently touch every part of his body and then hit him so hard so he can finally feel what it’s like to love him. I want to do all of this right here in this yuppie bar.
I want a quiet booth where we can flirt and catch up. I ask him if he knows anywhere near here where we can get a beer that doesn’t cost $7, I feel like a PBR.
“Well there is a bar by my apartment”
Now I know his apartment isn’t close, this is not a hop skip and a jump. This is a $25 cab ride or a 30 min train ride. I make a face at him that basically translates to “oh really?” He gets a little flustered; maybe worried that he misread my signals. Now, I wish I can say no to him, have some backbone, prove to him that he’s not always on my mind. But at that moment all I want to do is see him naked, see what underwear he has under his baggy business casual.
“I’ll drive you back in the morning…”
He says please and of course I relent. We leave the bar holding hands, I lean into him for support; he gives it. I want this forever, walking confidently next to him, at his side. His hands are large and his fingers wrap around mine protectively, tender yet strong.
I love his hands, I hate mine. Mine are spindly and look like old lady hands. They’re small and jointy. Hs hands are long, surprisingly gentle and soft for all the sports he plays. His hands represent him entirely. They’re long and delicate; yet look like they would be at home doing manual labor.
We’re walking through the city hand in hand, talking about everything…nothing. I just remember that I was touching him. I get so emotional around him because its so fleeting and I have such intense feelings.
We go back to the apartment he shares with 3 other people. I’m loud, I’m always loud, and I can’t help it. Especially when I’m slightly nervous, I turn loud and flirty. I get like national anthem at a baseball game loud. He keeps shh-ing me, I tickle him and nuzzle my head into his chest; it’s where I reach. He wraps his hands around me and we stand in his small kitchen, my head on his chest. I think we both needed some tenderness, closeness: intimacy. I always wonder how a boy like this likes me. I’m not ugly, but girls fawn over him. It feels comfortable, but there is always that insecurity whispering in my ear.
We grab an large bottle of cheap white wine and two glasses and head to his room. He puts music on, lights some candles and we sit in the glow, shadows jumping off our faces
The rest is hard to write. I of course ruin the mood and get serious. I love this kid, I love being with him and sometimes I can’t keep my trap shut and just enjoy the moment. He says all the right things, but at this point who knows if it’s the wine, the late hour, or his hard on talking.
To be continued…
The entire week I was preparing for this, I hadn’t seen him in over a year. I didn’t know how things would go. Would he still be interested, would I?
I told all my friends not to worry, this is just drinks, that’s it. We’re two old friends catching up after 5 years of a tumultuous relationship consisting of fantasy and disappointment. This was just a drink, catch up and then walk away so I can go live my life; closure.
The second I saw him all that shit went out of the window. I knew exactly what I was doing that evening, I was fucking him. We walked to a bar downtown; he’s holding a briefcase. I make some snotty comment about him having a real job and needing a briefcase; he counters my snotty remark by showing me the contents of his briefcase. Half a Subway sandwich. His attaché is a lunchbox.
He takes me to one of those fancy nightclubs that most cities have. According to my friend, it’s the swankiest place downtown. To me, it just seems like all the other generic nightclubs I have been to. Dark maroon walls, gothic/modern binary, $10 drinks, too loud music, bottle service. It’s a Thursday and the place is quiet when we get there. After our first drink the after work crowd has landed and the music is thumping and the bottle service is pushing in on our little corner. He’s trying to impress me; this is what he thinks I’m into. I do, a little, and I’m flattered he was trying to pick a meeting spot that he thought I would enjoy, although I would have preferred a little hole in the wall where we could talk, snuggle and perhaps get a little inappropriate.
We’re sitting too close, like people who want to get inside each other. I’m probably smiling too much. We make small talk, school, his job, funny stories. I laugh too much and he moves in closer, putting his hand around my shoulders. I look up into those green eyes and smile. I want to do this, I can’t do this; I’m going to do this.
I want to stay like this forever, the tension, the ease. We’re old friends and shy (yet freaky) lovers. I want to hold his face; I want to gently touch every part of his body and then hit him so hard so he can finally feel what it’s like to love him. I want to do all of this right here in this yuppie bar.
I want a quiet booth where we can flirt and catch up. I ask him if he knows anywhere near here where we can get a beer that doesn’t cost $7, I feel like a PBR.
“Well there is a bar by my apartment”
Now I know his apartment isn’t close, this is not a hop skip and a jump. This is a $25 cab ride or a 30 min train ride. I make a face at him that basically translates to “oh really?” He gets a little flustered; maybe worried that he misread my signals. Now, I wish I can say no to him, have some backbone, prove to him that he’s not always on my mind. But at that moment all I want to do is see him naked, see what underwear he has under his baggy business casual.
“I’ll drive you back in the morning…”
He says please and of course I relent. We leave the bar holding hands, I lean into him for support; he gives it. I want this forever, walking confidently next to him, at his side. His hands are large and his fingers wrap around mine protectively, tender yet strong.
I love his hands, I hate mine. Mine are spindly and look like old lady hands. They’re small and jointy. Hs hands are long, surprisingly gentle and soft for all the sports he plays. His hands represent him entirely. They’re long and delicate; yet look like they would be at home doing manual labor.
We’re walking through the city hand in hand, talking about everything…nothing. I just remember that I was touching him. I get so emotional around him because its so fleeting and I have such intense feelings.
We go back to the apartment he shares with 3 other people. I’m loud, I’m always loud, and I can’t help it. Especially when I’m slightly nervous, I turn loud and flirty. I get like national anthem at a baseball game loud. He keeps shh-ing me, I tickle him and nuzzle my head into his chest; it’s where I reach. He wraps his hands around me and we stand in his small kitchen, my head on his chest. I think we both needed some tenderness, closeness: intimacy. I always wonder how a boy like this likes me. I’m not ugly, but girls fawn over him. It feels comfortable, but there is always that insecurity whispering in my ear.
We grab an large bottle of cheap white wine and two glasses and head to his room. He puts music on, lights some candles and we sit in the glow, shadows jumping off our faces
The rest is hard to write. I of course ruin the mood and get serious. I love this kid, I love being with him and sometimes I can’t keep my trap shut and just enjoy the moment. He says all the right things, but at this point who knows if it’s the wine, the late hour, or his hard on talking.
To be continued…
Monday, May 5, 2008
Weekend Getaway
I saw the boy this weekend. THE boy, original boy. That kid rocks my socks off. It's so easy to fall back into him. Will give details once I can think about it .
Monday, January 7, 2008
When every pore of your body feels like shit.
I’m feeling vulnerable right now, vulnerable and sad. It’s just a pain in my chest, like heartburn but way worse. It can’t come out yet, it’s one of those hurts where you bottle it up and it won’t break free until you drink and become a hot mess in public, its one of those kind of hurts. The Boy ended things with me. We’ve known each other for 5 years, and through one girlfriend and he thinks he found girlfriend number two, and that’s not me. Honestly, I was beginning to realize it was never going to be me, but I was sure hoping it would be like a movie, and this was our hurdle to overcome before we kiss and lived happily ever after. And I wonder if a part of why I hold him so dear is that he was able to get me to find out about myself. I have always been a docile lover, nervous and shy aiming to please over what turned me on. I was never comfortable with receiving pleasure, afraid of my own orgasm, what I needed to feel good. It never ended positively, I would feel shitty (rarely come) and they would never deliver the response I wanted. And with him I began exploring and not trying to resist the things that turned me on. I am so much happier and confident sexually than I ever have been, and it feels so good (unfortunately not good enough, I want to be having more dirty fantastic sweaty sex). If it wasn’t for his confiding in me that he wanted me to dominate him (yet again, this hurts SO much, I know his secrets, I know what he wants and she doesn’t! why can’t it be me!!) deep down I was trying to get him to confide all these things because I wanted to be the holder of his dirty secrets. I wanted to be the one who held the key to his possible public humiliation. I wanted that power over him. But he can’t, he doesn’t feel as swept up, he did at a time, but not now. I just think I want to find love, gooey dopey dirty adoration. I was projecting on someone who could give me a mediocre imitation, like shitty nutrasweet when all you want is splenda, but you settle. For all my kinky ways I still wanted romance. I wanted him to look up at me with those large vulnerable expressive green eyes, looking down at that lovely face, so open and beautiful, the face of a boy on the body of a man with his large eyes and full lips, he nervously bites at his bottom lip then licks them and just that small movement makes me shudder. His entire attention is on my body and he almost vibrates with anticipation. I feel tall and commanding and the tension between us is almost suffocating and I’m driving and he’s willingly obliging in such a way that every blink speaks my name and wears my mark. Will I ever be able to look at someone else and see that again?
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Collaring
15”.
TB sent me his neck measurements. 15” a finite number an actual and precise amount. 15” of leather that I am going to create in my image and lace around his neck. 15” of leather that will define our relationship. 15” has never turned me on more than it did today.
It got me thinking what exactly do I want to see in a collar that I put on him. How does my image of The Boy in a collar look, and why is this and can I get this made?
I’m not that into the accoutrements of the goth/bdsm subculture that relies on tons of black and vinyl and studs etc. I want something that has more evocative power something that says dominance and ownership in a way that I find alluring and sexy. This is a collar for my sexual stimulation, I want it to reflect that. My collar is something that will wear with time; I want something that wears gracefully with use, like your favorite belt. I want something that smells like a tannery and evokes images of hard working tanned farmhands not dungeons and the possible smell of mold. Something that represents what wearing a collar means to me. I want this collar to represent my romantic cultural imaginary, not the one that has been deemed appropriate by Goth teens and a subculture that I am still intimidated by and not really ready to belong to. Not to say that’s wrong, that’s just not how I roll. I don’t want him in studs and skulls all fluffed out like a rapper’s pit-bull. I want this collar to represent a sense of ownership that also doesn’t reference teen angst, punk music and its creation: Avril Lavigne.
My ideas of collars involve ownership; I give my dog a collar so he is visibly marked as mine. He has tags that say my name and phone number {he is also the cutest thing on 4 legs, just a little side note}. It’s a way to prove he’s mine if lost. The collar is a form of marking where I’ve been and what I own. A black leather mass-produced collar just doesn’t do it for me. My fantasies of ownership lean to images of branded cows and masculine cowboys. My mind doesn’t go to Goths and dungeons, European fetishes or Victorian era prudery. My mind goes to sun kissed farm hands that smell like sweat and leather. Warm naked bodies slightly red from back breaking physical labor and too much exposure to heat and sun. I think Marlboro man and Wyoming ranches; I want to tame the wild, not chain the undisciplined schoolboy. I want him to be able to smell the leather and know that its there, feel the weight and understand the consequences. My collar is my brand.
The collar I plan on placing on the boy is personal. It gets worn with use and time becoming darker and more nuanced with the oils of his skin and continued use. It becomes darker suede, slick where it used to be soft. It’s a dark oxblood or light tan suede against a black background. It wears with age and becomes more dignified like the strap of my Louis Vuitton bag. It has presence in itself and represents an entire different set of cultural meanings; my collar sits proudly on his neck like a fine coach bag aging gracefully with time. My collar is an aesthetic investment, not the means to a dominant end. My collar is metal and leather and permanent, it’s also branded. Branded like the hide of a cow, branded with my claim on this boy, branded with the word “MINE”. When I run my hand over the recessed lettering feeling along like Braille this brand will mark what I control. This aggressive masculine man smelling like tanned leather and warmth will put this on for me and let me look and admire gaze at what’s mine. Fuck the masculine gaze, this gaze is 100% made in a woman’s image.
When I clasp that buckle tightly over those 15” and it jingles softly he is reminded that he is branded and belongs to me. He is my masculine submissive, my wild bull branded with the words MINE (and perhaps initials, I haven’t decided that yet, maybe on the inside?).
I’ve been looking into creating this collar and have come to the conclusion that I will need to combine the aesthetics of a dog collar with the durability and size of a traditional human collar. I am working on how to get this done now…
TB sent me his neck measurements. 15” a finite number an actual and precise amount. 15” of leather that I am going to create in my image and lace around his neck. 15” of leather that will define our relationship. 15” has never turned me on more than it did today.
It got me thinking what exactly do I want to see in a collar that I put on him. How does my image of The Boy in a collar look, and why is this and can I get this made?
I’m not that into the accoutrements of the goth/bdsm subculture that relies on tons of black and vinyl and studs etc. I want something that has more evocative power something that says dominance and ownership in a way that I find alluring and sexy. This is a collar for my sexual stimulation, I want it to reflect that. My collar is something that will wear with time; I want something that wears gracefully with use, like your favorite belt. I want something that smells like a tannery and evokes images of hard working tanned farmhands not dungeons and the possible smell of mold. Something that represents what wearing a collar means to me. I want this collar to represent my romantic cultural imaginary, not the one that has been deemed appropriate by Goth teens and a subculture that I am still intimidated by and not really ready to belong to. Not to say that’s wrong, that’s just not how I roll. I don’t want him in studs and skulls all fluffed out like a rapper’s pit-bull. I want this collar to represent a sense of ownership that also doesn’t reference teen angst, punk music and its creation: Avril Lavigne.
My ideas of collars involve ownership; I give my dog a collar so he is visibly marked as mine. He has tags that say my name and phone number {he is also the cutest thing on 4 legs, just a little side note}. It’s a way to prove he’s mine if lost. The collar is a form of marking where I’ve been and what I own. A black leather mass-produced collar just doesn’t do it for me. My fantasies of ownership lean to images of branded cows and masculine cowboys. My mind doesn’t go to Goths and dungeons, European fetishes or Victorian era prudery. My mind goes to sun kissed farm hands that smell like sweat and leather. Warm naked bodies slightly red from back breaking physical labor and too much exposure to heat and sun. I think Marlboro man and Wyoming ranches; I want to tame the wild, not chain the undisciplined schoolboy. I want him to be able to smell the leather and know that its there, feel the weight and understand the consequences. My collar is my brand.
The collar I plan on placing on the boy is personal. It gets worn with use and time becoming darker and more nuanced with the oils of his skin and continued use. It becomes darker suede, slick where it used to be soft. It’s a dark oxblood or light tan suede against a black background. It wears with age and becomes more dignified like the strap of my Louis Vuitton bag. It has presence in itself and represents an entire different set of cultural meanings; my collar sits proudly on his neck like a fine coach bag aging gracefully with time. My collar is an aesthetic investment, not the means to a dominant end. My collar is metal and leather and permanent, it’s also branded. Branded like the hide of a cow, branded with my claim on this boy, branded with the word “MINE”. When I run my hand over the recessed lettering feeling along like Braille this brand will mark what I control. This aggressive masculine man smelling like tanned leather and warmth will put this on for me and let me look and admire gaze at what’s mine. Fuck the masculine gaze, this gaze is 100% made in a woman’s image.
When I clasp that buckle tightly over those 15” and it jingles softly he is reminded that he is branded and belongs to me. He is my masculine submissive, my wild bull branded with the words MINE (and perhaps initials, I haven’t decided that yet, maybe on the inside?).
I’ve been looking into creating this collar and have come to the conclusion that I will need to combine the aesthetics of a dog collar with the durability and size of a traditional human collar. I am working on how to get this done now…
Monday, December 3, 2007
I just want to see you smile
I’ve been purposefully silent recently on the goings on with “the boy” and me. I didn’t want to jinx anything, also I don’t know if there is anything to jinx. Like always its 3 steps fwd 27,000 steps back. I haven’t spoken to him in over a week, actually one week two days. I waffle between this is good for me to love him to I’m wasting my time and putting myself through heartache. But for some reason we work, although he has the ability to make me hurt (emotionally not physically). I get all needy and self-conscious when I don't hear from him regularly, and he never seems to have his shit together, oh and lives two time zones away. Well besides all those things.
But through him, I am figuring out a lot of things, especially what I am looking for in a long-term relationship. There was a line in “Las Vegas” from last week that really struck me, I know I can’t believe I’m quoting a TV show that stars Tom Selleck, but cut me some slack. This woman was talking about finding your mate. You just have to find the person whose greatest happiness is watching you be happy [so simple, but so difficult to find]. But this comes from a specific place, not in a "I want to defer all ideas, thoughts and feelings to you so you can control the outcome, its more like let’s meet in the middle and appreciate what we bring to the table, no matter how bizarre".
I am happy when you put up with my eccentricities and are interested in them, not necessarily because they are yours, but because it makes you happy that I am happy. I love animals, I love them like the abominable snowman in those Looney tunes cartoons. I must love them, and hold them and name them all George. I smother all things fluffy. It’s a warped childhood fantasy I’ve always had. You remember when [insert Disney princess here] sings her trademark song in some sort of [forest, ocean, jungle, etc] and [insert cute doe eyed animals] come up to her and accompany her? That has always been my dream. Yet since this is the real world and not an animated fairy tale, wild animals do not so readily come to me, so I have to hunt them down or purchase them from pet stores. Which I did recently, I caught a baby mole. Mind you, I was with my dog and he had zero predatory instinct and actually was looking at me like I was insane. But I called “the boy” at work, and even though he was busy, he let me yammer on about this little mole [that actually looked like cartoon moles!!!]
The mole, plus the conversation made my day. I hope he knows how much that meant to me.
Oh yea, and we also had some steamy late night phone sex, that was great too ;)
Friday, November 16, 2007
A step sideways
So, I just spoke to The Boy. Grar, it was great and awful and exciting, and turned me on and made me think delicious awful thoughts about hitting him and holding him and yet again it made me ache in a way that honestly, only he can conjure (is that what love feels like? I hate being one of those people who is like “but I Love him”).
But it brings up many issues that I have with relationships, men and dating (big surprise, I know ☺ )
The conversation was different, I felt like I had the upper hand. I finally felt like I had a modicum of control over the direction of our relationship. I worry though, do I feel like this because I am better at being dominant, or is it because I have a fallback?
I don’t want to even talk about MJ like that, but it’s sort of true. He tries really hard, and maybe with time he can be that person for me, but right now the major things going for him is that he’s here and he’s willing to put up with my waffling nature. But he is also way too nice and considerate to even think about him as just a warm body to keep me company for a while. Even having these thoughts bothers me and makes me feel like an awful person for being so emotionally flippant about someone who obviously cares deeply about me. Which then of course makes me feel worse, it’s a continual “well, I’m living my life” “I’m living my life like a dick” back-and-forth.
I feel like I'm doing myself a sort of disservice by not fully committing to MJ, but I honestly don’t think I can. But I also don’t want to use him, I mean he knows that we’re not exclusive I told him I run from relationships (sprint is more like it), but ultimately I think he wants something I cant provide. I mean, I am still turned on by him, but in a different way than the Boy.
I think it also has to do with the dynamic of the relationship I have with MJ and the relationship I have with TB (the boy for short). With TB it’s always slightly difficult, which makes it more fun. I want to dominate him because he’s hard to tie down. It’s like rescuing a feral cat and trying to tame them. It’s exciting in the same way. MJ, it seems too easy right now, he needs so much lifting up sometimes that putting him down just doesn’t seem like so much fun. I feel like hitting him and humiliating him would be like hurting a wounded puppy, he brings out different instincts in me, instincts to protect and to safeguard, not to breakdown so I can then bring him up in my image. MJ is willing to try, and that alone scares me because I do not know if I want to take that sort of submission. I like the cat and mouse, I like the game and I feel like he would automatically let me win. (Like he does when we play x-box)
I feel he never really got validation for who he is, so right now its just trying to show him that he is a good person. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting more, and wanting TB. Not like he has his act together either. We’re talking about having me come visit for New Years, finally engaging in the play that we have talked about now for over a year. It’s exciting, its scary and whatever the outcome, I think its something I need to do for myself to see if this is what I want sexually with out without him. It’s also New Years, I mean, that in itself is so dopily romantic. I always crave that movie romance moment that my adolescent self still craves, but does it exist? Is TB and all that goes with him just some sort of kinky adolescent fantasy of love and domination? (And how do I reconcile those two now, ugh)
But I feel that since we know each other so well, and we know how the other one works, it’s a good place to start. Right now, I want to feel that with him. I want to take both of our BDSM cherries. No matter the outcome, I want him to look back and always think of me as his first.
But then I get self-conscious and start feeling down on myself for wanting a relationship yet continually sabotaging my efforts. But do I want a relationship? And I feel that someone is always going to get the short end of this stick, and I don’t want it to be me.
But it brings up many issues that I have with relationships, men and dating (big surprise, I know ☺ )
The conversation was different, I felt like I had the upper hand. I finally felt like I had a modicum of control over the direction of our relationship. I worry though, do I feel like this because I am better at being dominant, or is it because I have a fallback?
I don’t want to even talk about MJ like that, but it’s sort of true. He tries really hard, and maybe with time he can be that person for me, but right now the major things going for him is that he’s here and he’s willing to put up with my waffling nature. But he is also way too nice and considerate to even think about him as just a warm body to keep me company for a while. Even having these thoughts bothers me and makes me feel like an awful person for being so emotionally flippant about someone who obviously cares deeply about me. Which then of course makes me feel worse, it’s a continual “well, I’m living my life” “I’m living my life like a dick” back-and-forth.
I feel like I'm doing myself a sort of disservice by not fully committing to MJ, but I honestly don’t think I can. But I also don’t want to use him, I mean he knows that we’re not exclusive I told him I run from relationships (sprint is more like it), but ultimately I think he wants something I cant provide. I mean, I am still turned on by him, but in a different way than the Boy.
I think it also has to do with the dynamic of the relationship I have with MJ and the relationship I have with TB (the boy for short). With TB it’s always slightly difficult, which makes it more fun. I want to dominate him because he’s hard to tie down. It’s like rescuing a feral cat and trying to tame them. It’s exciting in the same way. MJ, it seems too easy right now, he needs so much lifting up sometimes that putting him down just doesn’t seem like so much fun. I feel like hitting him and humiliating him would be like hurting a wounded puppy, he brings out different instincts in me, instincts to protect and to safeguard, not to breakdown so I can then bring him up in my image. MJ is willing to try, and that alone scares me because I do not know if I want to take that sort of submission. I like the cat and mouse, I like the game and I feel like he would automatically let me win. (Like he does when we play x-box)
I feel he never really got validation for who he is, so right now its just trying to show him that he is a good person. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting more, and wanting TB. Not like he has his act together either. We’re talking about having me come visit for New Years, finally engaging in the play that we have talked about now for over a year. It’s exciting, its scary and whatever the outcome, I think its something I need to do for myself to see if this is what I want sexually with out without him. It’s also New Years, I mean, that in itself is so dopily romantic. I always crave that movie romance moment that my adolescent self still craves, but does it exist? Is TB and all that goes with him just some sort of kinky adolescent fantasy of love and domination? (And how do I reconcile those two now, ugh)
But I feel that since we know each other so well, and we know how the other one works, it’s a good place to start. Right now, I want to feel that with him. I want to take both of our BDSM cherries. No matter the outcome, I want him to look back and always think of me as his first.
But then I get self-conscious and start feeling down on myself for wanting a relationship yet continually sabotaging my efforts. But do I want a relationship? And I feel that someone is always going to get the short end of this stick, and I don’t want it to be me.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Update on the incredible mess that is my sex life
So since I have been otherwise involved in a sort of stable and rewarding relationship for the past two weeks (although that has its problems and ups and downs too). I have been ignoring The Boy. And, of course, that means, he comes back, he’s like a flipping boomerang.
Here is an e-mail exchange that I am going to post, just to share. The problem is that I know him so much better than the new boy MJ, and I can’t really think of bringing him on the emotional roller coaster that is 1- sex with me, 2- kinky sex with me yet, so until I am ready to expose him fully to what I want from him (I also don’t think he can handle it yet emotionally, or me for that matter) I still think I am going to keep The Boy around, especially since I still kinda (gasp) think there is a chance for us.
The Boy: I’m back to wanting to be dominated and can't stop thinking about it. What’s with my head?
(My interjection: still it’s all about him)
Me: apparently it’s all over the place
The Boy: aren't you excited? When you come to visit bring your accoutrements. You’ll have me naked on a leash and I’ll be begging for you from my knees, only making eye contact when instructed. I’ll kiss you boots waiting for my chance to pleasure you between your legs. And I hope you'll still want to fuck me even though I’ve been so rude to you. I’m sorry...I want to be humbled
(My interjection: yet again, he doesn’t understand. I want to hit him because it turns me on, not because he has done something to utterly hurt me and therefore needs to be punished, that is even too fucked up for me to engage in, but of course, I still find him fucking sexy and I have never been known to listen, so I will play along)
Me: its all me, tons of accoutrements, but 100% me. I want tons of eye contact, I love eye contact. No boot kissing, unless I ask, I prefer you to just say please and sorry constantly don't say sorry unless you mean it I’ll do more than humble you, but this is not really about you now is it, its about making me happy by groveling every time I hit you I want you to say thank you, when it starts to hurt I want you to ask for more, when you start to grovel maybe then I’ll stop
The Boy: I’m impressed
Me: I’m impressive
He is such a mind fuck sometimes, but I still play along.
Here is an e-mail exchange that I am going to post, just to share. The problem is that I know him so much better than the new boy MJ, and I can’t really think of bringing him on the emotional roller coaster that is 1- sex with me, 2- kinky sex with me yet, so until I am ready to expose him fully to what I want from him (I also don’t think he can handle it yet emotionally, or me for that matter) I still think I am going to keep The Boy around, especially since I still kinda (gasp) think there is a chance for us.
The Boy: I’m back to wanting to be dominated and can't stop thinking about it. What’s with my head?
(My interjection: still it’s all about him)
Me: apparently it’s all over the place
The Boy: aren't you excited? When you come to visit bring your accoutrements. You’ll have me naked on a leash and I’ll be begging for you from my knees, only making eye contact when instructed. I’ll kiss you boots waiting for my chance to pleasure you between your legs. And I hope you'll still want to fuck me even though I’ve been so rude to you. I’m sorry...I want to be humbled
(My interjection: yet again, he doesn’t understand. I want to hit him because it turns me on, not because he has done something to utterly hurt me and therefore needs to be punished, that is even too fucked up for me to engage in, but of course, I still find him fucking sexy and I have never been known to listen, so I will play along)
Me: its all me, tons of accoutrements, but 100% me. I want tons of eye contact, I love eye contact. No boot kissing, unless I ask, I prefer you to just say please and sorry constantly don't say sorry unless you mean it I’ll do more than humble you, but this is not really about you now is it, its about making me happy by groveling every time I hit you I want you to say thank you, when it starts to hurt I want you to ask for more, when you start to grovel maybe then I’ll stop
The Boy: I’m impressed
Me: I’m impressive
He is such a mind fuck sometimes, but I still play along.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Outlet quality "irregulars"
I'm going to apologize for not posting in awhile. What do you post on a sex blog when you're not having kinky sex? or not even thinking about kinky sex?!?!
Right now I find myself collecting a stable full of strays. They are all very sweet and all have different qualitites, but apparently the most important one is that I have total control and they stroke (not something sexual) my ego. Which I kind of need right now after the loss of my oh so favorite sexual object and love of my life "the boy". It still hurts my heart, and I haven't really dealt with it, although the roomie was great about it. But I think it was for the best, he will never make the grand gesture I oh so desire (move to where I am) so its just a fantasy.
But with my new stable of factory rejects, or outlet quality irregulars I wonder, can I find what I'm looking for? I want a man, full on Y chromosome, intelligent, witty, smart, upwardly mobile (this could be anything, he just has to be working towards something) man who is MANLY and also wants to submit. I am not ready to look on line, since I am not looking for more weird sexual fuckbuddies, I am just looking for someone who can give me those giant puppy dog eyes and still look masculine doing it. That's what I like, the big ole man, submitting to lil ole me. It turns me on, I want to enjoy my smallness and femininity and control your big male self. No more wussy guys (sorry wussy guys) or overly dominant guys (sorry all you cavemen types).
are you out there?
As you can see I have both right now.
I have a guy who is so sexually agressive it borders on rape and makes me feel uncomfortable, he texts (not even calls, such a bad news bear) and wants me to come over at 10pm to hang out. Um, not going to happen.
And then I have a few who think I am awesome, but they are not agressive enough.
I miss my boy.
not to mention I saw his doppelganger last night, compelte with puppy dog eyes and lovely mouthed slightly opened innocence....sigh
I will post some cool new stuff on here soon, give me time to go through some growing pains.
Right now I find myself collecting a stable full of strays. They are all very sweet and all have different qualitites, but apparently the most important one is that I have total control and they stroke (not something sexual) my ego. Which I kind of need right now after the loss of my oh so favorite sexual object and love of my life "the boy". It still hurts my heart, and I haven't really dealt with it, although the roomie was great about it. But I think it was for the best, he will never make the grand gesture I oh so desire (move to where I am) so its just a fantasy.
But with my new stable of factory rejects, or outlet quality irregulars I wonder, can I find what I'm looking for? I want a man, full on Y chromosome, intelligent, witty, smart, upwardly mobile (this could be anything, he just has to be working towards something) man who is MANLY and also wants to submit. I am not ready to look on line, since I am not looking for more weird sexual fuckbuddies, I am just looking for someone who can give me those giant puppy dog eyes and still look masculine doing it. That's what I like, the big ole man, submitting to lil ole me. It turns me on, I want to enjoy my smallness and femininity and control your big male self. No more wussy guys (sorry wussy guys) or overly dominant guys (sorry all you cavemen types).
are you out there?
As you can see I have both right now.
I have a guy who is so sexually agressive it borders on rape and makes me feel uncomfortable, he texts (not even calls, such a bad news bear) and wants me to come over at 10pm to hang out. Um, not going to happen.
And then I have a few who think I am awesome, but they are not agressive enough.
I miss my boy.
not to mention I saw his doppelganger last night, compelte with puppy dog eyes and lovely mouthed slightly opened innocence....sigh
I will post some cool new stuff on here soon, give me time to go through some growing pains.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Moving on
So The Boy and I are over. I'm done being put through the emotional ringer and he's done with having the same conversation with me about how he's not giving me enough. So tonight I am going to drink a bottle of wine, watch the notebook and then move the fuck on. I tried being emotional and open for once, and it didn't work. So...back to my stable and separation from "feelings" time to move on.
this blog will not end, its not about him dammit, its about me. When I've had time to process I will write more. But rest assured, his number is already deleted and I am too stubborn and thickheaded to revisit that hurt anytime soon.
I also want to say thanks so much for all the support, all the comments have been a true blessing and I feel so happy to know that people are out there that I can turn to.
I wish I can find that guy who wants to play these games with me, but understand the emotional price that they pay. I could never hurt someone I do not love (i know thats weird, but for right now, there is just many issues of trust for me to just play at that) and he never got that.
So posts to come
- more pop culture discussions, i have been meaning to talk about gentlemen prefer blondes (the movie) and wonderwoman (the history) so that's coming
- the OTHER men in my life (yes even when I do feel "feelings" I never put all my eggs in one basket)
- and once I can, how I really feel about the present circumstances.
I want to say thank you to everyone who reads this blog, who listens to my shit, and is my sounding board.
this blog will not end, its not about him dammit, its about me. When I've had time to process I will write more. But rest assured, his number is already deleted and I am too stubborn and thickheaded to revisit that hurt anytime soon.
I also want to say thanks so much for all the support, all the comments have been a true blessing and I feel so happy to know that people are out there that I can turn to.
I wish I can find that guy who wants to play these games with me, but understand the emotional price that they pay. I could never hurt someone I do not love (i know thats weird, but for right now, there is just many issues of trust for me to just play at that) and he never got that.
So posts to come
- more pop culture discussions, i have been meaning to talk about gentlemen prefer blondes (the movie) and wonderwoman (the history) so that's coming
- the OTHER men in my life (yes even when I do feel "feelings" I never put all my eggs in one basket)
- and once I can, how I really feel about the present circumstances.
I want to say thank you to everyone who reads this blog, who listens to my shit, and is my sounding board.
Monday, October 8, 2007
A fantasy and a worry
SO I have this fantasy, and I thought I would share some of it and see what people thought. I don't know this whole new sex life where I talk openly about what actually turns me on still gives me the heeby jeebies, but If I’m going to talk about these things with the boy, then I am going to have to be comfortable with saying it.
It kind of reminds me when I was younger and used to make out. Weird slight side note and story but I totally remember when I was younger and boys would touch me you know "down there" (if I’m going to talk about when I was in high school and early college, I might as well get right back into the mindset) I used to always push their hand away when I was feeling good, when it was getting too much. It was also, they never took the time to work out my excitement on my time, and so they just went straight for the clit. But I also never let myself truly get into the experience and go with the orgasm, I always pushed their hand away and quickly closed my legs, don't ask me why I did this. This is probably why I am so good at head, good way to get them to forget about what’s between my legs, if I’m between theirs.
Ok back to the story, so I have this fantasy, but it only involves the boy I cant put someone else in this fantasy yet. I want to have a threesome, but not in a traditional sort of way I guess. I want another woman there but she's MY play toy, basically she follows my orders, does to him what I want, he can't touch her and he has to watch me the entire time and tell me how much he likes it and thank me for it, and every now and then, I would hit him and caress him too. Oh, and he would be totally handcuffed with those nice leather ones. She would do all the work until I was ready to fuck him, and I would just get to watch, he could ask for things he wanted, but I wouldn't work on his needs because I control her. And then when I was turned on, when I wanted him, I would politely ask her to leave and we would fuck like no other.
So besides the fact that I don't know if I can control him let along some strange non-existent fantasy woman, but... is this wrong? I’m demeaning another woman for my fetish play. I feel bad about wanting to do something like this, but I find it so hot. I also find it so awful that just saying it makes me feel really creepy and wonder 1- could I really go through with it and 2- should I? Besides being so not vanilla style sex- can I handle the emotion that this would bring up in me?
(Maybe I will save this for like a 10-year anniversary, I would hope by then I would have the stones to do this)
Ok, so am I weird? What happens when you're halfway through a scene and you can't do it, it starts to make you feel small instead of big and the squishiest form of vulnerability ever?
It kind of reminds me when I was younger and used to make out. Weird slight side note and story but I totally remember when I was younger and boys would touch me you know "down there" (if I’m going to talk about when I was in high school and early college, I might as well get right back into the mindset) I used to always push their hand away when I was feeling good, when it was getting too much. It was also, they never took the time to work out my excitement on my time, and so they just went straight for the clit. But I also never let myself truly get into the experience and go with the orgasm, I always pushed their hand away and quickly closed my legs, don't ask me why I did this. This is probably why I am so good at head, good way to get them to forget about what’s between my legs, if I’m between theirs.
Ok back to the story, so I have this fantasy, but it only involves the boy I cant put someone else in this fantasy yet. I want to have a threesome, but not in a traditional sort of way I guess. I want another woman there but she's MY play toy, basically she follows my orders, does to him what I want, he can't touch her and he has to watch me the entire time and tell me how much he likes it and thank me for it, and every now and then, I would hit him and caress him too. Oh, and he would be totally handcuffed with those nice leather ones. She would do all the work until I was ready to fuck him, and I would just get to watch, he could ask for things he wanted, but I wouldn't work on his needs because I control her. And then when I was turned on, when I wanted him, I would politely ask her to leave and we would fuck like no other.
So besides the fact that I don't know if I can control him let along some strange non-existent fantasy woman, but... is this wrong? I’m demeaning another woman for my fetish play. I feel bad about wanting to do something like this, but I find it so hot. I also find it so awful that just saying it makes me feel really creepy and wonder 1- could I really go through with it and 2- should I? Besides being so not vanilla style sex- can I handle the emotion that this would bring up in me?
(Maybe I will save this for like a 10-year anniversary, I would hope by then I would have the stones to do this)
Ok, so am I weird? What happens when you're halfway through a scene and you can't do it, it starts to make you feel small instead of big and the squishiest form of vulnerability ever?
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
It's just a little bit of History repeating
Jesus, I just realized something about myself and I’m amazed that I’m that predictable and pissed that I’m doing it again.
Fuck
So if you read past blog entries I sort of whine about the fact that I have no stable of men, that it dwindled and became a stable of zero and blah blah, change of life, new leaf, no more stringing men and keeping them around but I get hurt and like the attention all at the same time, etc etc
Well fuck
I'm doing it again, I was getting in bed getting all excited to relive that make out on the precipice which was super hot and super innocent at the same time (even though I was making him tell me he wanted me to hit him harder) and then I realized, shit, I'm not fantasizing about The boy, I'm thinking of someone else, someone has gained entry into my one handed bedtime stories, and that got me thinking, shit
The stable is back....
In this stall we have
Mr. Boston- an original stable member who I made out with in Cancun in get ready... 2001 that long ago, he floats in and out. But these days, I’m not so swept up in him, but he’s a super nice guy, really cute, and has a really quick wit. But been there, moving on...
Then we have all young and chipper...
The Swede, an exchange student who I met out who is 4 yrs younger than me, right out of school and so bright eyed and bushy tail that he makes me think of a cartoon chipmunk, (also painfully bad in bed) no hip swerve just jackhammer but I blame his youth. This one has potential though because he’s a fast learner and I think can be trained.
There are a few more, but they are in different stages of coming in and going out, like past make outs that are thinking back fondly and might return, and new flirtations that are too new to make that call and see if they make it in, but dammit I’m rebuilding my empire. While I like it, I wont get bored and I will always have something (or someone) to think about. I'm not sure I want to; I want to be able to combine what I get from all of them into one human person. I’m fucking needy! I like getting, as much of my physical and psychological needs met...but maybe I'm ready to move on? Maybe I SHOULD move on? But I cant see myself getting serious with any of them (Except the boy, but that is too painful to think about, thinking about him hurts my heart) but this new boy (the out of town make out,) is moving away too, so yet again, he’s in the stable and due to circumstance cant make it in the main house.
And thinking of my stable, is this the way i avoid getting hurt in serious relationships or am I just really dam picky and wont make a move with
1- men who adore me (and that freaks me out)
2- men who intimidate me and therefore dick me over/we mutually move on
Ok I'm done thinking too deep in my head, I'm going back to that hot ass picture and think of the naughty things I want to do to that exposed chest.
Fuck
So if you read past blog entries I sort of whine about the fact that I have no stable of men, that it dwindled and became a stable of zero and blah blah, change of life, new leaf, no more stringing men and keeping them around but I get hurt and like the attention all at the same time, etc etc
Well fuck
I'm doing it again, I was getting in bed getting all excited to relive that make out on the precipice which was super hot and super innocent at the same time (even though I was making him tell me he wanted me to hit him harder) and then I realized, shit, I'm not fantasizing about The boy, I'm thinking of someone else, someone has gained entry into my one handed bedtime stories, and that got me thinking, shit
The stable is back....
In this stall we have
Mr. Boston- an original stable member who I made out with in Cancun in get ready... 2001 that long ago, he floats in and out. But these days, I’m not so swept up in him, but he’s a super nice guy, really cute, and has a really quick wit. But been there, moving on...
Then we have all young and chipper...
The Swede, an exchange student who I met out who is 4 yrs younger than me, right out of school and so bright eyed and bushy tail that he makes me think of a cartoon chipmunk, (also painfully bad in bed) no hip swerve just jackhammer but I blame his youth. This one has potential though because he’s a fast learner and I think can be trained.
There are a few more, but they are in different stages of coming in and going out, like past make outs that are thinking back fondly and might return, and new flirtations that are too new to make that call and see if they make it in, but dammit I’m rebuilding my empire. While I like it, I wont get bored and I will always have something (or someone) to think about. I'm not sure I want to; I want to be able to combine what I get from all of them into one human person. I’m fucking needy! I like getting, as much of my physical and psychological needs met...but maybe I'm ready to move on? Maybe I SHOULD move on? But I cant see myself getting serious with any of them (Except the boy, but that is too painful to think about, thinking about him hurts my heart) but this new boy (the out of town make out,) is moving away too, so yet again, he’s in the stable and due to circumstance cant make it in the main house.
And thinking of my stable, is this the way i avoid getting hurt in serious relationships or am I just really dam picky and wont make a move with
1- men who adore me (and that freaks me out)
2- men who intimidate me and therefore dick me over/we mutually move on
Ok I'm done thinking too deep in my head, I'm going back to that hot ass picture and think of the naughty things I want to do to that exposed chest.
Monday, October 1, 2007
The coming week/ my "to do" list
Ok so I haven't posted in awhile because things haven't been that exciting or difficult to work out. Well probably both of those things aren't true, but I’ll start from the beginning and work my way back down.
Always the place to start the boy.
I have been thinking of a way to talk to him about my concerns.
1- I am not sure he likes me or he likes the image of me he can create in his mind (and corollary to this he worries that to please him I will become the woman or bow to the woman he has in his mind- this one is only slightly true)
2- he's not attentive enough, and I know he’s in a rough spot but he needs to think about my needs too and that its just a fact that I am needier and he is going to have to know how to deal with that
3- now here is where it gets hairy, I finally confronted him about the fact that I think we have been cheated out of our relationship since we have never lived in the same place for too long. I was drunk and it all just came out, and I wasn't ready to share this with him yet because I didn't think it through and it probably came out whiny and annoying. Fuck, and he’s not in a good place because he's missing home and when I want to be comforted, I don’t do so well with the comforting and then things get even weirder between us.
Phew.
But I think where he is in his life; it’s easier for him to come here than for me to totally uproot myself in 3 yrs and move someplace where I have no family. If he chooses to go back to school where I live, that’s a great training wheels period with a finite ending that we can experience each other and then, if I am still in love with him, it miraculously worked out then I am ready to jump off a cliff if I have to keep him around.
So on that note, I'm just going to take a breather from him for awhile (I think it might be best, but as always I love your comments and thoughts) and just let him think for awhile, although he gets stuck in his head too much, if he’s not there 100% I can't make him. And I hate just puking feelings everywhere since I get uncomfortable when that happens to me I don't want to do it. I think in a few days we'll talk about it, and since I wrote it out, it hopefully will go smoother. I just think that its time for me to either jump into it, or stop caring no more feelings limbo with this one.
Next post: possible adorable little international man-child I can mold to my every kinky fantasy. Rendezvous with the boy I beat up when I went out of town… and hopefully less procrastination and more completion of work.
Always the place to start the boy.
I have been thinking of a way to talk to him about my concerns.
1- I am not sure he likes me or he likes the image of me he can create in his mind (and corollary to this he worries that to please him I will become the woman or bow to the woman he has in his mind- this one is only slightly true)
2- he's not attentive enough, and I know he’s in a rough spot but he needs to think about my needs too and that its just a fact that I am needier and he is going to have to know how to deal with that
3- now here is where it gets hairy, I finally confronted him about the fact that I think we have been cheated out of our relationship since we have never lived in the same place for too long. I was drunk and it all just came out, and I wasn't ready to share this with him yet because I didn't think it through and it probably came out whiny and annoying. Fuck, and he’s not in a good place because he's missing home and when I want to be comforted, I don’t do so well with the comforting and then things get even weirder between us.
Phew.
But I think where he is in his life; it’s easier for him to come here than for me to totally uproot myself in 3 yrs and move someplace where I have no family. If he chooses to go back to school where I live, that’s a great training wheels period with a finite ending that we can experience each other and then, if I am still in love with him, it miraculously worked out then I am ready to jump off a cliff if I have to keep him around.
So on that note, I'm just going to take a breather from him for awhile (I think it might be best, but as always I love your comments and thoughts) and just let him think for awhile, although he gets stuck in his head too much, if he’s not there 100% I can't make him. And I hate just puking feelings everywhere since I get uncomfortable when that happens to me I don't want to do it. I think in a few days we'll talk about it, and since I wrote it out, it hopefully will go smoother. I just think that its time for me to either jump into it, or stop caring no more feelings limbo with this one.
Next post: possible adorable little international man-child I can mold to my every kinky fantasy. Rendezvous with the boy I beat up when I went out of town… and hopefully less procrastination and more completion of work.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Update
So, I have a lot to share but for the sake of continuity I will go in order and give you guys the scandalous post next. SO; update on boy.
He responded to that email in one sentence. He liked the orgasm control stuff but 1- did not comment on any of the other things 2- actually didn't accomplish the no orgasm rule, and then told me about it.
I did not like either of those repsones.
then he called and we talked, and he said the e-mail overwhelmed him, and he doesn't know what to do about us. That if we lived in the same place he would like to do these things but that I demand a lot from him and he doesn't want to dissapoint.
To which I said
1- doing this long distance allows us to epxlore our fantasies in a non judgemental non realistic environment that I think allows for more openness. If someone has a problem or gets weirded out, it all existed over the phone or through email and therefore can easily be fixed and discussed in a fashion that I feel comfortable exploring without any negative consequences of too serious emotions or hearbreak (I know I will be proved wrong on this)
2- I know I overwhelm him, I overwhelm myself, I get caught up in life and fling myself at it full force, it's hard for anyone to deal with that, especially a boy who is confused with life,himself and his sexuality. But that's why we work.
3- he could never dissapoint me (Well that is totally untrue) but as long as we talk about our actions and their consequences and don't get all passive aggressive I don't see how he could dissapoint me in the way he talks about it.
so any thoughts on how to do this long distance?
I'm thinking that we need to have some sort of schedule, and that part of his submission NEEDS to be understanding my emotional needs and meeting those. And that is what I was trying to convey, I hope it got through.
He responded to that email in one sentence. He liked the orgasm control stuff but 1- did not comment on any of the other things 2- actually didn't accomplish the no orgasm rule, and then told me about it.
I did not like either of those repsones.
then he called and we talked, and he said the e-mail overwhelmed him, and he doesn't know what to do about us. That if we lived in the same place he would like to do these things but that I demand a lot from him and he doesn't want to dissapoint.
To which I said
1- doing this long distance allows us to epxlore our fantasies in a non judgemental non realistic environment that I think allows for more openness. If someone has a problem or gets weirded out, it all existed over the phone or through email and therefore can easily be fixed and discussed in a fashion that I feel comfortable exploring without any negative consequences of too serious emotions or hearbreak (I know I will be proved wrong on this)
2- I know I overwhelm him, I overwhelm myself, I get caught up in life and fling myself at it full force, it's hard for anyone to deal with that, especially a boy who is confused with life,himself and his sexuality. But that's why we work.
3- he could never dissapoint me (Well that is totally untrue) but as long as we talk about our actions and their consequences and don't get all passive aggressive I don't see how he could dissapoint me in the way he talks about it.
so any thoughts on how to do this long distance?
I'm thinking that we need to have some sort of schedule, and that part of his submission NEEDS to be understanding my emotional needs and meeting those. And that is what I was trying to convey, I hope it got through.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Stepping off into oblivion (inclinations towards melodrama)
so before I share the email exchange I am beginning with the demoted boy, I thought I would say first, Props to me for being a posting fiend! Secondly, I still don't know if I am going to tell him about this blog, I'm not ready to share yet.
so here is the edited version of my fall into the abyss. I call it that because he's my first. The first boy I have ever said I love you to (he said it first, and it wasn't during sex so therefore it counts), the first person I really talked to even before we decided (well HE decided, he brought it up). so therefore this is super hard, and it might not end well (odds are against it). but thats ok, because I will always look back fondly, and this might just be a stepping stone for both of us, who knows. so here it goes.
*****
I had fun talking to you, you’re fun, I like the things we talk about. I like talking about these things with you. So I was thinking since Im **(insert your own adjective), I’m going to think too much. I am going to make some demands. This will help me get comfortable in expressing myself and being the dominant woman of (apparently) both of our fantasies.
for me to feel like I can dominate, I need to feel less out of control and more secure. Lets take this one step at a time and one emotion at a time. (if you want me to be blunt here, lets not get bogged down in relationship talk, lets just talk) Because I want to do this, and it might get intense, and we have to be able to talk about our fantasies, not feel judged, and then talk about how things worked out after. Sound good? So therefore, I need to be able to make demands on you, I will try to make them reasonable demands, like I might whine for you to come visit, and try to demand too much of your time but those are decisions you have to make on your own and that’s not the control I want to have. I will only make demands that are in reach, like…I want to try this no masturbation thing, I want to see how long you can go, I want you to have to ask, and I want to be able to say no, and I want you to then come for me, BY me. (well with my help, I don’t live close enough nearby for that to totally work, but next time we see each other that can be a great way to start). Make sense?
grar, this is hard for me too
**********
i will keep you posted.
so here is the edited version of my fall into the abyss. I call it that because he's my first. The first boy I have ever said I love you to (he said it first, and it wasn't during sex so therefore it counts), the first person I really talked to even before we decided (well HE decided, he brought it up). so therefore this is super hard, and it might not end well (odds are against it). but thats ok, because I will always look back fondly, and this might just be a stepping stone for both of us, who knows. so here it goes.
*****
I had fun talking to you, you’re fun, I like the things we talk about. I like talking about these things with you. So I was thinking since Im **(insert your own adjective), I’m going to think too much. I am going to make some demands. This will help me get comfortable in expressing myself and being the dominant woman of (apparently) both of our fantasies.
for me to feel like I can dominate, I need to feel less out of control and more secure. Lets take this one step at a time and one emotion at a time. (if you want me to be blunt here, lets not get bogged down in relationship talk, lets just talk) Because I want to do this, and it might get intense, and we have to be able to talk about our fantasies, not feel judged, and then talk about how things worked out after. Sound good? So therefore, I need to be able to make demands on you, I will try to make them reasonable demands, like I might whine for you to come visit, and try to demand too much of your time but those are decisions you have to make on your own and that’s not the control I want to have. I will only make demands that are in reach, like…I want to try this no masturbation thing, I want to see how long you can go, I want you to have to ask, and I want to be able to say no, and I want you to then come for me, BY me. (well with my help, I don’t live close enough nearby for that to totally work, but next time we see each other that can be a great way to start). Make sense?
grar, this is hard for me too
**********
i will keep you posted.
Monday, September 17, 2007
The things I worry about
Ok So dear three readers, I thought I would wine some more and then I promise I will post some smut. I have enough compiling that I can really titillate now. So as I've said earlier this is all very new to me. I discovered this desire because of since demoted boy and have not really had the opportunity to explore these things outside of my fantasies with said boy. (I don't even know yet if this is something I only feel for him) But these things turn me on. To quote a fellow blogger devastatingyet:
http://devastatingyet.wordpress.com/
"Having Joscelin display ultimate submission to me is not my overarching goal. My overarching goal is having us both be happy, fulfilled, and having a good time. And the truth is, his ultimate submission is not even, for me, the goal of our d/s.
Why do I do d/s with him? I think there are two things I really enjoy about it, to wit,
I get to get what I want, be served, exert control, mold him to my will, etc., and
He displays submissive feelings that I find unspeakably delicious."
I agree and couldn't have said it better, so I just cut and pasted it. But I worry, as much as he worries that he is "weird" I worry that he will think I'm weird, that I will let someone see me so exposed and vulnerable to explore with them fantasies I have about hitting them (I mean, come on...what Disney Princess wants to do that, and we all know I aspire to be what my 5 yr old self thought life was like) But that’s what I worry about, because I worry that he wants to get off on being hit, and I want to get off on the power, on that rush. He wants the physicality and the image of domination that he sees in popular media, and I want him to turn over his squishy center demand being loved on my terms. Is that weird? Is this doomed? Are we looking for two different things, and most importantly can we find each other in the middle? Grar
http://devastatingyet.wordpress.com/
"Having Joscelin display ultimate submission to me is not my overarching goal. My overarching goal is having us both be happy, fulfilled, and having a good time. And the truth is, his ultimate submission is not even, for me, the goal of our d/s.
Why do I do d/s with him? I think there are two things I really enjoy about it, to wit,
I get to get what I want, be served, exert control, mold him to my will, etc., and
He displays submissive feelings that I find unspeakably delicious."
I agree and couldn't have said it better, so I just cut and pasted it. But I worry, as much as he worries that he is "weird" I worry that he will think I'm weird, that I will let someone see me so exposed and vulnerable to explore with them fantasies I have about hitting them (I mean, come on...what Disney Princess wants to do that, and we all know I aspire to be what my 5 yr old self thought life was like) But that’s what I worry about, because I worry that he wants to get off on being hit, and I want to get off on the power, on that rush. He wants the physicality and the image of domination that he sees in popular media, and I want him to turn over his squishy center demand being loved on my terms. Is that weird? Is this doomed? Are we looking for two different things, and most importantly can we find each other in the middle? Grar
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