I’m unsure about posting this situation yet at the same time I need to rid myself of it through prose in order to purge its power over me. It makes me wonder if I give off mixed signals and if this is just one of the dangers and dilemmas of being a woman. Mostly though, it pisses me off!
There is a professor who I worked for before I went back to graduate school. He was a little off, but was always very friendly and generous with his time. I always saw the relationship as something like a mentor/mentee type of thing. Now he is a little odd, socially awkward and nervous, but he has always been pretty kind to me, so I thought that maybe he’s just not used to having students work for him and this is just his bizarre way of engaging in the student/teacher relationship. He doesn’t look like the type that has many people clamoring to work with him. I always thought he was just looking for a young up and comer with strengths that he doesn’t have to explore issues he finds engaging, particularly deviant sexual practices. Apparently I am a bad judge of situations, which does not bode, well for my future career.
So this past weekend we went to dinner, nothing out of the ordinary, shared what has been going on in our lives, work we’re doing. We start talking about BDSM and I explain what I want to write about. How I want to use queer theory to understand the binary of deviant/mainstream sex, what is that boundary and why certain behaviors are considered deviant. We talk about things, and he told me how he has an interest in spanking, I said that that was ok, that what I have been figuring out is that nobody needs to fit into stock images of alternative sexual desires, that it is creative and generative and that I am personally enjoying figuring these things out. So the meal finishes, I say thank you and go to head my way.
He then says, “well I have a proposition, I would invite you back to my apartment but its quite dirty right now, how bout we go to this motel around the corner that rents by the hour and have a scene”. Now at this point I was floored. How do you respond to something like that? Instead of saying I have no interest in engaging in behaviors like that with you because there has to be a level of physical attraction and desire for me to want to engage in any behavior that I find stimulating. This is not about you, and you cannot expect that since you want it and I am studying kinky sex that I want to have kinky sexual activities with you that it will happen. I am an active agent in my own sexual desire and stimulation and spanking a man who is shorter than me and probably in his 60s don’t do it for me. How dare you even conflate my interests, research agendas and personal choices with an interest in you!!
Unfortunately I am not as eloquent or direct, I mumble how I have a busy day and need to get home. What type of response is that? Now I didn’t ask what exactly he wanted, because I didn’t care. But it totally ruins any sort of working relationship we have. I am still haunted with images of his naked ass bent over wanting me to spank him **shudders** Everyone is entitled to their own interests, but just because I have a desire to study something, maybe even a personal interest in its behaviors does NOT mean or give you the right to think that I want to do it with you. Its like saying that a woman in a short skirt asked to be raped, I did not ask for this.
What bothers me the most besides the blatant disrespect of boundaries and social relationships is the fact that he thinks that an interest personally as well as professionally would turn into something sexual and stimulating between the two of us. He’s going to rationalize my response and say that I just don’t have the chops, stones, balls whatever to study something of this nature. And that seriously pisses me off. I fully admit when I think things are over my head, and this is not one of them. My biggest personal as well as professional hurdle, the reason I went into social research is to make myself uncomfortable and always test myself and push myself in situations. And he is going to hit me where it hurts saying that I just couldn’t take it. And how do you tell someone its not the behavior that they want you to participate in, its them? How do you say that without being rude? Its not the activities, I’m not going to put myself in situations that make me feel uncomfortable and you cannot use your power and position to make me feel awkward.
What happens now? I don’t want to bring it up, my friend recommended that I just treat is as if he invited me to go for ice cream afterward and I respectfully declined. I think I am just going to ignore the situation and if he tried to rationalize or discuss it, explain what I explained above, that an interest in behavior does not mean that any partner will do.
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5 comments:
Your response is childish. He met someone attractive to him with similar interests as he and then he asked if you wanted to engage in them with him. You didn't want to and said "no," which is your prerogative of course. But to get so righteously indignant over an invitation, with all that "how dare he expect anything" bullshit...well, I can now see what a long journey it's going to be for you to be a true Mistress. The professor didn't say he EXPECTED anything. He just wanted to scene with you. That's it. You're adding a whole lot of meaning to it, and making yourself his victim in the process. Maybe you should be responsible for the conversations you have; i.e., "Hmmm...if I talk about kinky sex with men, there's a possibility that they might want to engage with said act with me. And if I'm not into them, I'll say no."
You sound like you've read too much gender studies bullshit and have forgotten actual human studies.
What happens now? Well, if you want him to still be your mentor, you say, "I'm not interested in having a sexual or D/s relationship with you, but I still would love to be able to engage with you on an intellectual level. I see you as a mentor and I would very much like to have our relationship be that. Does that work for you?" If the answer is yes, great. If not, then no. Instead of trying to be a Mistress, which you're obviously not even close to being yet, my recommendation is to simply be an adult.
Thanks for your response, while I do agree with some of your comments, specifically what happens now, I do not find my response childish in any way, and it has nothing to do with gender studies or even kinky sex. It has to do with personal roles, relationships and the boundaries of such.
I DO NOT think that anyone should think if you talk about sex or any sort of behavior that means you are open to it in practice, that's like saying a girl in a short skirt asked to be raped (i'm taking it a little too far, but i think it still holds true).
This is not the first time that I have been put in a position like this and it won't be the last. As long as there are young women and older men who want to take advantage of their power and their position, this situation will be the same just change the behavior and the names.
Yes, i could have handled the situation better, but thinking quickly on my feet has never been a strong point of mine. This has nothing to do with sex or kinky sex, or deviant sex, or any sort of sexual behavior, it has to do with breaking down personal relationships and trust. It bothers me that someone who I see as a mentor had to turn our relationship into something sexual, it ruins the foundation of our relationship and puts me in an awkward position of having to be assertive with someone in a powerful and more established position than myself. Power dynamics in the bedroom are very different than power dynamics in real life.
"I DO NOT think that anyone should think if you talk about sex or any sort of behavior that means you are open to it in practice, that's like saying a girl in a short skirt asked to be raped (i'm taking it a little too far, but i think it still holds true)."
Why shouldn't they think that? You are open to that behavior in practice. You just weren't open to it with that particular guy, which is fine. We call that personal choice. If you're looking for a life in which you're never made to feel uncomfortable because of unwanted sexual attention, good luck. It doesn't happen - for women OR men (although I'll be the first to admit it happens 95% more often to women).
You think people should or shouldn't think a certain way in the context of sex and you. Well my dear, the word "should" has nothing to do with reality. Being a true Mistress is about who YOU'RE being in a given situation. It's not about expecting people's thoughts to conform to your expectations.
I'm fully aware that I am talking about a fictional world full of equality and no miscommunications. I see nothing wrong with expecting the world to live up to my expectations and then blogging about it when it doesn't.
I must say I vehemently disagree with anonymous. The issue here is NOT one's comfort/discomfort regarding certain people in a sexual situation. The issue is one with social norms and boundaries surrounding a mentorship role, and those being completely transgressed. When an older male mentor who has served as a source of support and guidance in a benignly paternal manner for years inserts an element of unwanted sexuality into that interaction, it changes the dynamics forever. It taints all prior interactions one has had with that person and effectively destroys what existed before (and yes, I am speaking from experience here).
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