When every pore of your body feels like shit.

I’m feeling vulnerable right now, vulnerable and sad. It’s just a pain in my chest, like heartburn but way worse. It can’t come out yet, it’s one of those hurts where you bottle it up and it won’t break free until you drink and become a hot mess in public, its one of those kind of hurts. The Boy ended things with me. We’ve known each other for 5 years, and through one girlfriend and he thinks he found girlfriend number two, and that’s not me. Honestly, I was beginning to realize it was never going to be me, but I was sure hoping it would be like a movie, and this was our hurdle to overcome before we kiss and lived happily ever after. And I wonder if a part of why I hold him so dear is that he was able to get me to find out about myself. I have always been a docile lover, nervous and shy aiming to please over what turned me on. I was never comfortable with receiving pleasure, afraid of my own orgasm, what I needed to feel good. It never ended positively, I would feel shitty (rarely come) and they would never deliver the response I wanted. And with him I began exploring and not trying to resist the things that turned me on. I am so much happier and confident sexually than I ever have been, and it feels so good (unfortunately not good enough, I want to be having more dirty fantastic sweaty sex). If it wasn’t for his confiding in me that he wanted me to dominate him (yet again, this hurts SO much, I know his secrets, I know what he wants and she doesn’t! why can’t it be me!!) deep down I was trying to get him to confide all these things because I wanted to be the holder of his dirty secrets. I wanted to be the one who held the key to his possible public humiliation. I wanted that power over him. But he can’t, he doesn’t feel as swept up, he did at a time, but not now. I just think I want to find love, gooey dopey dirty adoration. I was projecting on someone who could give me a mediocre imitation, like shitty nutrasweet when all you want is splenda, but you settle. For all my kinky ways I still wanted romance. I wanted him to look up at me with those large vulnerable expressive green eyes, looking down at that lovely face, so open and beautiful, the face of a boy on the body of a man with his large eyes and full lips, he nervously bites at his bottom lip then licks them and just that small movement makes me shudder. His entire attention is on my body and he almost vibrates with anticipation. I feel tall and commanding and the tension between us is almost suffocating and I’m driving and he’s willingly obliging in such a way that every blink speaks my name and wears my mark. Will I ever be able to look at someone else and see that again?