The uncomfortable position of real life power dynamics

I’m unsure about posting this situation yet at the same time I need to rid myself of it through prose in order to purge its power over me. It makes me wonder if I give off mixed signals and if this is just one of the dangers and dilemmas of being a woman. Mostly though, it pisses me off!
There is a professor who I worked for before I went back to graduate school. He was a little off, but was always very friendly and generous with his time. I always saw the relationship as something like a mentor/mentee type of thing. Now he is a little odd, socially awkward and nervous, but he has always been pretty kind to me, so I thought that maybe he’s just not used to having students work for him and this is just his bizarre way of engaging in the student/teacher relationship. He doesn’t look like the type that has many people clamoring to work with him. I always thought he was just looking for a young up and comer with strengths that he doesn’t have to explore issues he finds engaging, particularly deviant sexual practices. Apparently I am a bad judge of situations, which does not bode, well for my future career.
So this past weekend we went to dinner, nothing out of the ordinary, shared what has been going on in our lives, work we’re doing. We start talking about BDSM and I explain what I want to write about. How I want to use queer theory to understand the binary of deviant/mainstream sex, what is that boundary and why certain behaviors are considered deviant. We talk about things, and he told me how he has an interest in spanking, I said that that was ok, that what I have been figuring out is that nobody needs to fit into stock images of alternative sexual desires, that it is creative and generative and that I am personally enjoying figuring these things out. So the meal finishes, I say thank you and go to head my way.
He then says, “well I have a proposition, I would invite you back to my apartment but its quite dirty right now, how bout we go to this motel around the corner that rents by the hour and have a scene”. Now at this point I was floored. How do you respond to something like that? Instead of saying I have no interest in engaging in behaviors like that with you because there has to be a level of physical attraction and desire for me to want to engage in any behavior that I find stimulating. This is not about you, and you cannot expect that since you want it and I am studying kinky sex that I want to have kinky sexual activities with you that it will happen. I am an active agent in my own sexual desire and stimulation and spanking a man who is shorter than me and probably in his 60s don’t do it for me. How dare you even conflate my interests, research agendas and personal choices with an interest in you!!
Unfortunately I am not as eloquent or direct, I mumble how I have a busy day and need to get home. What type of response is that? Now I didn’t ask what exactly he wanted, because I didn’t care. But it totally ruins any sort of working relationship we have. I am still haunted with images of his naked ass bent over wanting me to spank him **shudders** Everyone is entitled to their own interests, but just because I have a desire to study something, maybe even a personal interest in its behaviors does NOT mean or give you the right to think that I want to do it with you. Its like saying that a woman in a short skirt asked to be raped, I did not ask for this.
What bothers me the most besides the blatant disrespect of boundaries and social relationships is the fact that he thinks that an interest personally as well as professionally would turn into something sexual and stimulating between the two of us. He’s going to rationalize my response and say that I just don’t have the chops, stones, balls whatever to study something of this nature. And that seriously pisses me off. I fully admit when I think things are over my head, and this is not one of them. My biggest personal as well as professional hurdle, the reason I went into social research is to make myself uncomfortable and always test myself and push myself in situations. And he is going to hit me where it hurts saying that I just couldn’t take it. And how do you tell someone its not the behavior that they want you to participate in, its them? How do you say that without being rude? Its not the activities, I’m not going to put myself in situations that make me feel uncomfortable and you cannot use your power and position to make me feel awkward.
What happens now? I don’t want to bring it up, my friend recommended that I just treat is as if he invited me to go for ice cream afterward and I respectfully declined. I think I am just going to ignore the situation and if he tried to rationalize or discuss it, explain what I explained above, that an interest in behavior does not mean that any partner will do.

Trying to get MJ to talk dirty and stop talking so sweet:

IM conversation:
Edited for brevity
MJ: I fantasize of going down on you
Me: I like that
MJ: I like that too?
Me: I do like some good dirty talk, it helps get me in the mood
MJ: I daydream about making you quiver; I think I’ve had thoughts of having sex with you in various spots of your house
kitchen counter
bathroom sink
shower
you leaned over the back of the couch
Me: lets try it!
MJ: I want to do you from behind so I can reach around and fondle you
Me: say it, touch my clit
get comfortable being dirty
Mj: touch your clit?
Me: well not like that

I guess it’s a start and we have to start somewhere. I think the more he feels comfortable the less I will bitch that he’s not meeting my needs. But as this convo says there is a long way to go. Saying things like quiver just sounds too much like loins and brings back awful memories of shitty romance novels. Not that all sex has to be dirty, but I like intensity not a soft focus lens with a soprano saxaphone in the background. But it gets better once he opens up a little…


MJ: I like sucking on your clit
Me: so much better, I want more of this, now go to bed and think of me when you masturbate
Mj: I wanna watch you play with yourself, that shit is fuckin hot. I can feel you rubbing your clit when we fuck
Me: really? where?
Mj: i have to look down, base of my dick, makes me googly eyed
Me: i didnt know that thats hot, let me know these things while were doing it
and by “it” I mean bone
and by bone I mean fuck

So it gets better so I think whatever “rut” we were in I could say is over. I still don’t know if I am 100% into him or into it, but this is a step in the right direction. I like that he took control, I deleted some lines because I didn’t think them important or good imagery, but at least he’s trying and this conversation did get me excited. I think that sex is sometimes [most of the time] psychological for me. I go for guys that are hard to get because then it’s a bigger conquest when I get them. The ante always needs to be raised, whether that’s emotional, physical, or some sort of sexual deviancy. Just getting him to talk more candidly and use less cheesy sexual euphemisms I think helps.

Moving on: training wheels domination

So there’s a new boy in my life. I don’t know where this one will go. He’s way too nice for me, since I do not do well with overt nice-ness. I don’t know, is it always bad to think: “is there something else out there?” Will that ever go away? But like all my friends have told me, I deserve someone nice someone to dote on me and do all those things I rarely ever get since I date emotionally stunted assholes. The thing is; do I want someone nice? But that’s another post. I mean, don’t get me wrong I like being complimented, but it has to be rare so it means something. Does that make sense? He lacks some sort of edge I feel, some sort of I must conquer you edge that I like to have (the douche bag gene?). I really enjoy the chase, my fav is the chase and then the win, and so having it already locked down just is difficult for me. Well not really, its hard to describe, I have my stable, there really is no chase with them, but they are not truly mine. My grasp is tenuous at best. I’m having a hard time expressing my discomfort and my lack of 100% sexual arousal, but I’ll get there I want to be able to explain it so I can conquer it. I just think that there is a side of him that is not 100% willing to step off any precipice out of not fear but complacency, and I am not a complacent person. I think that’s what it is. I prefer to be the less manic person, not the most. This requires further examination

Ok so back to the reason I’m writing:
So this new boy we shall call him MJ, he knows that I have dominant tendencies but has never walked down this path. He actually has some reservations 1- about women in general, 2- about women who want to tie men up. He had a friend who met this girl at a bar and she convinced him to let her tie him up. She anally raped him (mind you this is from him the day after, who knows what was consensual and what was buyer’s remorse) and left him tied to his bed to be found and ultimately humiliated by his military supervisor. With a story like that, and knowing his quiet ways, I can see his hesitation.
And like Marcelle’s Bay Area Boy, this one is super green. He is really quiet and had a very oppressive upbringing, so he kind of shied away from girls. He didn’t lose his virginity until he was 22 and had never had a woman swallow his come until me, which is downright wrong. BUT like I said, I’m a newbie too, two newbie’s…that’s like a high school virginity story right there and that’s too awkward to do, ever!
I digress, so I am trying to slowly work him into things I’m into. I like domination and control more than hitting (well the hitting comes, but it needs to be when I’m in the mood and since he’s so fresh and dopey already over me, I can’t see myself hitting him anytime soon, until I know he will be ok with something like that). So I thought I would try something new, and if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.
So I thought the best way was to slowly get him into this control thing. So we played a little game, and it was HAWT. He had to tell me step by step what he was doing to me as he did it, if he stopped, I would remove his hand and push him away a little (later on this will be amended to something harder like a slap…that already sounds delicious) but you have to walk before you can crawl, right? The downsides to this, he can’t go down on me, keeping his mouth busy talking has its disadvantages, but it also is pretty fun. I get to hear him actually think through what he’s going to do which makes him think through it too! Hearing it while it’s happening, made me concentrate more on the exact location that he was touching, so if he said he was going to lightly touch my nipple, my heart would race and I would concentrate on that nipple. Now take that step-by-step until his mouth was on my nipple (if he wanted to do something else, he would have to remove his mouth to tell me) so all of foreplay until my orgasm was basically scripted. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
Example: I’m going to run one finger gently on the side of your clit, you’re so soft and wet, I’m not going to stick one finger in, slowing fucking you, now adding another…etc

You can see how this is a turn on, and especially since when he would get too carried away, he would stop saying what he was doing, mind you, it was hard making him stop, but prolonging it for both of us was pretty dam fun. And this was not limited to just “down there” action (I need to get more comfortable talking about my girl parts)
I thought that was a good “training wheels” sort of entrance, and it turned me on, so that’s good.
I mean, the first week worth of make outs were fun and all, but the regular bump and grind (literally) begins to lose their luster, I was getting bored. And this totally sparked things up again.

Any thoughts on more ways to ease him into this?
I told him that he can say no at anytime and if he has no interest in anything to let me know.


Quick aside
I want to share this IM convo that makes me happy

Talking about nothing in particular
MJ: fine, you win, I suck
M Leah: you don’t suck
MJ: I do if you ask

The force is strong with this one….