So, I’m back. While the new boy is still in my life I guess, I am not stressing anymore. I know I am pretty fantastic (most of the time), I have come to terms with most of my flaws, and am not going to let someone use those against me. He’s not fucking raspberry Snapple either so he can suck it. It also helps that he still thinks about me, I need to remember that, it’s one of my charms. For some reason I have a lasting power and a long shelf life, this is why I have a stable. Sadly I’m not interested in a stable anymore…I want something stable (come on, that was funny!)
I started trying to deconstruct myself and my interactions with men:
Sex and relationships ARE mental for me. The new boy touched on one of my major insecurities, which is I’m Insecure!!(no shit!) Isn’t everyone? There is a part of femdom I like because it’s validating, but I like that in life too. I like to be validated for the things I do, what is wrong with that or wanting that in your partner? I have a tendency to be needy. I am incredibly giving to the point of sacrifice but it comes with wide eyes and a desire to be wanted. And if you reciprocate it’s a turn on! I want to be told I’m pretty and that excites me. But nothing too saccharine, honest comments and understanding of my being are like butter. I never saw myself as a pretty child and while I received peer validation for school, looks were always something I was insecure about. Like most high achieving women I have painful insecurities about some aspect of life where I don’t feel I have full control of outcomes.
The way I deal with that; I enact my ability to control in sexual play, but with this I also enjoy some deference. It’s a typical female insecurity that manifests itself in a desire to hit men and be an object of slight adoration
Because of this insecurity I demand a level of engagement that I guess can be called submission. And the new boy is right; because of this I am also not 100% comfortable with letting go. But I haven’t had any success in explaining this standpoint and then getting what I want which makes it harder to share or “come out” the next time around.
So with new boy, I share this, how while I want certain things, I might not have really “let go”, I’m anal and an overachiever, why is this something that comes as a surprise? And what do I get back? What I wanted was a little encouragement, maybe some support and a certain kind of acceptance where I’m folded in and supported. He gave me back sarcasm and an inability and unwillingness to provide that necessary cushion.
For me to be the dominant self I see in my dreams requires a man who is able to hold me after and give me free reign to take that stage. Instead of holding it against me that I can’t do that myself. My shell has worked for a very long time, respect that.
I have a desire to see a man on his knees, I have a desire to tease and hit and bite and caress and hold; but to do that I need the level of attention and admiration that borders on parasitic. Does that make me crazy? I’m emotionally needy, I’m never had a long term relationship and I want one. But its still female dominance, its female power, with your help. I am insecure; I get uncomfortable in the male gaze. While I like it, it also makes me feel exposed. I want someone to manage that exposure to allow me to express my dominance and be supportive. Does this make any sense at all? Does this exist?
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1 comment:
Of course it makes sense.
He sounds like he's the kind of sub that might have unrealistic expectations of what a Domme is. A dominant woman is still a person. Some subs...ok many subs forget that.
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