E-mail Exchange between me and the New Boy

Me: re: open relationships. I am adamant about not really divulging details on past relationships. I don’t think they do any good except make people jealous. There were people in my past, nothing very serious. I dated etc. But I never really settled down. I held back feelings, I second- guessed myself and I got bored very quickly. If you were a challenge I probably kept up the chase longer, but in the end it wasn't worth it and I wouldn't stick around. I see good qualities in people and there is usually something I can relate to, so I try to figure people out. But I am not going to stick around and be in a relationship just because you like me. I have a friend who loves being in love so much that she constantly goes from crappy serious relationship to another crappy serious relationship. I hesitate to commit because I know that in the end, the reason I like you in the beginning is because its fun and feeling liked is good. But that’s not a reason to continue something, and I wont do that. I want adventure, I want someone to grow with I want to be constantly stimulated (get your mind out of the gutter, I mean life wise) and I just haven’t really settled because I find that hard to find in people and I think also I intimidate. I've been hurt because I try to mold people into the person I see they can become. I've tried to relationship the wrong people and the wrong people have tried to relationship me. This is why what we're doing is so utterly amazing to me. I am enamored and THRILLED with the level of sappy-ness, it makes me happy, and it goes both ways. BUT it's not just initial courtship that I think we are attracted to. I like who you are NOW, but I also see (a little bit, it hasn’t been THAT long that we've been together) where we can grow together as people. I have never really felt that, I might be wrong, who knows. But that's how I feel about you. We think similarly, freakishly so, sex aside we enjoy the same things, and these activities aren't things that wane when the sexual tension diminishes. So there you go, stop being jealous because there has been no one like you, ever.

NB (New Boy): Siiiiiigh... Flutter..... Siiigh, you just did something profound. You told me everything I wanted to know and more without answering the wrong question I posed.

Me: you know how much I want to bone you right now?

NB: Mmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!! NO. But I know how much I want to fuck you senseless and then do it all slow and romantical so's we don't feel too dirty :-))) TELL me how much!

Me: enough that I would be willing to engage in the most embarrassing form of mating, e-mail sex that’s how much, CYBER SEX. So creepy. That is how much I want to bone you right now, its absurd.

NB: I am crazy about you!

Me: I know it hasn't been a long time, and things are moving fast but I just wanted to let you know how much fun I'm having. I think we can have a good time exploring each other’s points on things both intellectually and most certainly in the bedroom. I want you to be able to let me take control, just experience the moment and the happiness that it gives me. I want you to push me, so I can push you harder, take it further, where we both get more of what we want and it only goes up. I am going to go to sleep on this note with thoughts of us fucking on my living room couch.

Update on the incredible mess that is my sex life

So since I have been otherwise involved in a sort of stable and rewarding relationship for the past two weeks (although that has its problems and ups and downs too). I have been ignoring The Boy. And, of course, that means, he comes back, he’s like a flipping boomerang.
Here is an e-mail exchange that I am going to post, just to share. The problem is that I know him so much better than the new boy MJ, and I can’t really think of bringing him on the emotional roller coaster that is 1- sex with me, 2- kinky sex with me yet, so until I am ready to expose him fully to what I want from him (I also don’t think he can handle it yet emotionally, or me for that matter) I still think I am going to keep The Boy around, especially since I still kinda (gasp) think there is a chance for us.


The Boy: I’m back to wanting to be dominated and can't stop thinking about it. What’s with my head?
(My interjection: still it’s all about him)
Me: apparently it’s all over the place
The Boy: aren't you excited? When you come to visit bring your accoutrements. You’ll have me naked on a leash and I’ll be begging for you from my knees, only making eye contact when instructed. I’ll kiss you boots waiting for my chance to pleasure you between your legs. And I hope you'll still want to fuck me even though I’ve been so rude to you. I’m sorry...I want to be humbled
(My interjection: yet again, he doesn’t understand. I want to hit him because it turns me on, not because he has done something to utterly hurt me and therefore needs to be punished, that is even too fucked up for me to engage in, but of course, I still find him fucking sexy and I have never been known to listen, so I will play along)
Me: its all me, tons of accoutrements, but 100% me. I want tons of eye contact, I love eye contact. No boot kissing, unless I ask, I prefer you to just say please and sorry constantly don't say sorry unless you mean it I’ll do more than humble you, but this is not really about you now is it, its about making me happy by groveling every time I hit you I want you to say thank you, when it starts to hurt I want you to ask for more, when you start to grovel maybe then I’ll stop
The Boy: I’m impressed
Me: I’m impressive

He is such a mind fuck sometimes, but I still play along.

Update

So, I have a lot to share but for the sake of continuity I will go in order and give you guys the scandalous post next. SO; update on boy.

He responded to that email in one sentence. He liked the orgasm control stuff but 1- did not comment on any of the other things 2- actually didn't accomplish the no orgasm rule, and then told me about it.

I did not like either of those repsones.

then he called and we talked, and he said the e-mail overwhelmed him, and he doesn't know what to do about us. That if we lived in the same place he would like to do these things but that I demand a lot from him and he doesn't want to dissapoint.
To which I said
1- doing this long distance allows us to epxlore our fantasies in a non judgemental non realistic environment that I think allows for more openness. If someone has a problem or gets weirded out, it all existed over the phone or through email and therefore can easily be fixed and discussed in a fashion that I feel comfortable exploring without any negative consequences of too serious emotions or hearbreak (I know I will be proved wrong on this)
2- I know I overwhelm him, I overwhelm myself, I get caught up in life and fling myself at it full force, it's hard for anyone to deal with that, especially a boy who is confused with life,himself and his sexuality. But that's why we work.
3- he could never dissapoint me (Well that is totally untrue) but as long as we talk about our actions and their consequences and don't get all passive aggressive I don't see how he could dissapoint me in the way he talks about it.

so any thoughts on how to do this long distance?
I'm thinking that we need to have some sort of schedule, and that part of his submission NEEDS to be understanding my emotional needs and meeting those. And that is what I was trying to convey, I hope it got through.

Stepping off into oblivion (inclinations towards melodrama)

so before I share the email exchange I am beginning with the demoted boy, I thought I would say first, Props to me for being a posting fiend! Secondly, I still don't know if I am going to tell him about this blog, I'm not ready to share yet.

so here is the edited version of my fall into the abyss. I call it that because he's my first. The first boy I have ever said I love you to (he said it first, and it wasn't during sex so therefore it counts), the first person I really talked to even before we decided (well HE decided, he brought it up). so therefore this is super hard, and it might not end well (odds are against it). but thats ok, because I will always look back fondly, and this might just be a stepping stone for both of us, who knows. so here it goes.

*****
I had fun talking to you, you’re fun, I like the things we talk about. I like talking about these things with you. So I was thinking since Im **(insert your own adjective), I’m going to think too much. I am going to make some demands. This will help me get comfortable in expressing myself and being the dominant woman of (apparently) both of our fantasies.
for me to feel like I can dominate, I need to feel less out of control and more secure. Lets take this one step at a time and one emotion at a time. (if you want me to be blunt here, lets not get bogged down in relationship talk, lets just talk) Because I want to do this, and it might get intense, and we have to be able to talk about our fantasies, not feel judged, and then talk about how things worked out after. Sound good? So therefore, I need to be able to make demands on you, I will try to make them reasonable demands, like I might whine for you to come visit, and try to demand too much of your time but those are decisions you have to make on your own and that’s not the control I want to have. I will only make demands that are in reach, like…I want to try this no masturbation thing, I want to see how long you can go, I want you to have to ask, and I want to be able to say no, and I want you to then come for me, BY me. (well with my help, I don’t live close enough nearby for that to totally work, but next time we see each other that can be a great way to start). Make sense?
grar, this is hard for me too

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i will keep you posted.