A little history lesson

I came across this juicy tidbit on Wikipedia (not the best source, but a great place to get some quick info)
“In his essay Coldness and Cruelty, (originally Présentation de Sacher-Masoch, 1967) Gilles Deleuze rejects the term 'sadomasochism' as artificial, especially in the context of the prototypical masochistic work, Sacher-Masoch's Venus In Furs. Deleuze instead argues that the tendency toward masochism is based on desire brought on from the delay of gratification. Taken to its extreme, an infinite delay, this is manifested as perpetual coldness. The masochist derives pleasure from, as Deleuze puts it, The Contract: the process by which he can control another individual and turn the individual into someone cold and callous. The Sadist, in contrast, derives pleasure from The Law: the unavoidable power that places one person below another. The sadist attempts to destroy the ego in an effort to unify the id and super-ego, in effect gratifying the most base desires the sadist can express while ignoring or completely suppressing the will of the ego, or of the conscience. Thus, Deleuze attempts to argue that Masochism and Sadism arise from such different impulses that the combination of the two terms is meaningless and misleading.”
Let me summarize according to Deleuze the masochist’s desire comes from delayed gratification and the contract, basically he is topping from below, turning the sadist into a big ole meanie. The sadist gets pleasure from the law, (how this is different from the contract…I do not know). There are boundaries and rules and the sadist enjoys engaging in behavior that silences their conscience and they get to act like a big meanie.
This is just plain silly in my opinion. Deleuze does not believe that the masochist and the sadist need each other since they rely on different impulses. I say I really don’t think so. The sadist enjoys walking that fine line of naughty behavior and enjoying your taking of that behavior. (Well I do) the masochist AND the sadist both like the delay in gratification. (The fucking…duh…it’s like tantric sex, just without all the weird sounding breathing and relationship to yoga). I really think this misses the boat. The sadist AND the masochist enjoy engaging in behavior that society sees as taboo. BOTH use societal cues and props to enact sexual play that engages in given power dynamics for mutual delayed gratification, titillation and a better orgasm.
While I do think he hits on a few points, rules and structure and contracts are appealing. I do love some planning; I am pretty anal. There is something to be said about a well thought out scene complete with props and steps and stages. It seems orderly yet is all dirty sexual messy, a nice dichotomy.
I think there are multiple reasons why individuals engage in sadist or masochistic sexual practices. Just read all the sex blogs out there and you can see this. There are multiple reasons and thoughts going through both participants heads. And one of them is the confusing idea that this fucked up shit might actually turn you on. And that in itself is an existential arm wrestle that gets me off.

Apologies

I've been swamped with work. About to be ABD (for all those of you in the grad student know)
send me positive vibes on Monday!!
posts resuming starting today!

xoxo

Peeny Accessories

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My relationship w. men, does he exist?

So, I’m back. While the new boy is still in my life I guess, I am not stressing anymore. I know I am pretty fantastic (most of the time), I have come to terms with most of my flaws, and am not going to let someone use those against me. He’s not fucking raspberry Snapple either so he can suck it. It also helps that he still thinks about me, I need to remember that, it’s one of my charms. For some reason I have a lasting power and a long shelf life, this is why I have a stable. Sadly I’m not interested in a stable anymore…I want something stable (come on, that was funny!)
I started trying to deconstruct myself and my interactions with men:
Sex and relationships ARE mental for me. The new boy touched on one of my major insecurities, which is I’m Insecure!!(no shit!) Isn’t everyone? There is a part of femdom I like because it’s validating, but I like that in life too. I like to be validated for the things I do, what is wrong with that or wanting that in your partner? I have a tendency to be needy. I am incredibly giving to the point of sacrifice but it comes with wide eyes and a desire to be wanted. And if you reciprocate it’s a turn on! I want to be told I’m pretty and that excites me. But nothing too saccharine, honest comments and understanding of my being are like butter. I never saw myself as a pretty child and while I received peer validation for school, looks were always something I was insecure about. Like most high achieving women I have painful insecurities about some aspect of life where I don’t feel I have full control of outcomes.
The way I deal with that; I enact my ability to control in sexual play, but with this I also enjoy some deference. It’s a typical female insecurity that manifests itself in a desire to hit men and be an object of slight adoration
Because of this insecurity I demand a level of engagement that I guess can be called submission. And the new boy is right; because of this I am also not 100% comfortable with letting go. But I haven’t had any success in explaining this standpoint and then getting what I want which makes it harder to share or “come out” the next time around.
So with new boy, I share this, how while I want certain things, I might not have really “let go”, I’m anal and an overachiever, why is this something that comes as a surprise? And what do I get back? What I wanted was a little encouragement, maybe some support and a certain kind of acceptance where I’m folded in and supported. He gave me back sarcasm and an inability and unwillingness to provide that necessary cushion.
For me to be the dominant self I see in my dreams requires a man who is able to hold me after and give me free reign to take that stage. Instead of holding it against me that I can’t do that myself. My shell has worked for a very long time, respect that.
I have a desire to see a man on his knees, I have a desire to tease and hit and bite and caress and hold; but to do that I need the level of attention and admiration that borders on parasitic. Does that make me crazy? I’m emotionally needy, I’m never had a long term relationship and I want one. But its still female dominance, its female power, with your help. I am insecure; I get uncomfortable in the male gaze. While I like it, it also makes me feel exposed. I want someone to manage that exposure to allow me to express my dominance and be supportive. Does this make any sense at all? Does this exist?

Still not ready

since this is kind of how I'm feeling these days, I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it critically yet. I don't like to use this blog as my bitchfest (that's what friends are for!), you don't need to hear my whining. Things aren't even going with the new guy. It's really sad too, I kind of got swept up in him. I feel like I did in middle school and liked a boy, its incredibly unnerving. Until I can think about it without hyperventilating and wanting to key his car, ham his house and cry all at the same time I don't want to touch this subject. My sex drive is nil since I can only think about him, and I don't even feel comfortable letting him touch me in my fantasies. Sorry for the sex blog without any sex bloggin'
I'll be back soon, I hate being this lame, which makes it worse, I get into this spiral of self hatred BUT I will pull out of it, there is only so much self loathing I can take.

Days go by and still I think of you:

I’m having a hard time posting (if you haven’t noticed). I don’t know how this new relationship is going, but either way I feel like I am loosing my footing and feel dislodged. What I do not know if is this is love, or if this is toxic.
And I don’t want to cut and run, because I don’t want to reify the situation and prove his feelings about me. I am just so freaking confused. When I have the ability to explain better, I will try.

Oprah is ruining my relationship with my mother.

My mother gets most of her understanding of the world from “The View” and “Oprah”. Which means my mother’s mothering technique of her adult aged daughter involves discussing pertinent topics raised by self-help books and catch phrases by Dr. Phil et al. While I try to listen to her, there are some times when I just snap. There are just so many times I can hear “you teach people how to treat you”, and “he’s just not that into you”. Maybe I should just learn not to share with my mother. But habits die hard even when they always lead to fights, her hanging up the phone on me, and me feeling like I slighted her and feel responsible and guilty.
I do not care if he’s just not that into me most of the time. Honestly I probably care even less. He’s a warm body until something better comes along; now try explaining that to your mother. Already older than she was when she had me, explaining the delay of marriage and family to my mother is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to my dog. She wants a successful daughter, but for her, she thinks you can have it all, but still in a particularly domestic fashion. This means I should become an attorney and in her universe attorneys are allowed to not work for 6 years until their children are old enough to enter the school system.
Her most recent lecture involves giving me the gift of fear. Why thank you, but I will have to respectfully decline such a lovely and thoughtful present.
What she is referring to is this new book by Gavin De Becker where he basically states that women are weak and should listen to their inner voice when in situations. While I am not averse to listening to one’s “gut”, I am incredibly dubious of self-help books and their power over people like my mother. By creating a culture of female victims preemptively, what is this saying for female empowerment? What sort of moral panic are we constructing as our starting out point that women need to live in this heightened sense of self-awareness that around every corner lurks a rapist and a murderer. I am not living in victim land population women, nor do I like the position-ality it creates to begin with. I staunchly reject that just being a woman places me in a position of natural victim and obvious prey. While I agree, we need to be aware of the signs around us and the warnings that we are sometimes oblivious to, I do not think anyone needs a “gift of fear”.
A gift of fear, what does that even mean? To be gifted fear, fear of what? Of whom and why? (There are obvious racial and class based problems with this assumption) And what sort of gift is this? Can I exchange it for a gift of self-confidence, or perhaps equality, or maybe even reliable and credible statistics and citations for said book? Fear is an emotion that is culturally constructed. This is just the next moral panic that preys upon women who are already fearful and a society unable to rationalize violence and structural reasoning behind them. We blame individuals not the structures that created them. I am not going to live my life in fear of those who do not have the privileges that I have. I am not going to fear those who are darker skinned or lower class just because society has conditioned me to see that as suspect. This book provides the reader with a worldview that everything in life is meant to be feared, and that by being hyper vigilant you can avoid rape, murder, school shootings, etc. I would prefer the gift of common sense and social awareness.