Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Still not ready
since this is kind of how I'm feeling these days, I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it critically yet. I don't like to use this blog as my bitchfest (that's what friends are for!), you don't need to hear my whining. Things aren't even going with the new guy. It's really sad too, I kind of got swept up in him. I feel like I did in middle school and liked a boy, its incredibly unnerving. Until I can think about it without hyperventilating and wanting to key his car, ham his house and cry all at the same time I don't want to touch this subject. My sex drive is nil since I can only think about him, and I don't even feel comfortable letting him touch me in my fantasies. Sorry for the sex blog without any sex bloggin'
I'll be back soon, I hate being this lame, which makes it worse, I get into this spiral of self hatred BUT I will pull out of it, there is only so much self loathing I can take.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Days go by and still I think of you:
I’m having a hard time posting (if you haven’t noticed). I don’t know how this new relationship is going, but either way I feel like I am loosing my footing and feel dislodged. What I do not know if is this is love, or if this is toxic.
And I don’t want to cut and run, because I don’t want to reify the situation and prove his feelings about me. I am just so freaking confused. When I have the ability to explain better, I will try.
And I don’t want to cut and run, because I don’t want to reify the situation and prove his feelings about me. I am just so freaking confused. When I have the ability to explain better, I will try.
Oprah is ruining my relationship with my mother.
My mother gets most of her understanding of the world from “The View” and “Oprah”. Which means my mother’s mothering technique of her adult aged daughter involves discussing pertinent topics raised by self-help books and catch phrases by Dr. Phil et al. While I try to listen to her, there are some times when I just snap. There are just so many times I can hear “you teach people how to treat you”, and “he’s just not that into you”. Maybe I should just learn not to share with my mother. But habits die hard even when they always lead to fights, her hanging up the phone on me, and me feeling like I slighted her and feel responsible and guilty.
I do not care if he’s just not that into me most of the time. Honestly I probably care even less. He’s a warm body until something better comes along; now try explaining that to your mother. Already older than she was when she had me, explaining the delay of marriage and family to my mother is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to my dog. She wants a successful daughter, but for her, she thinks you can have it all, but still in a particularly domestic fashion. This means I should become an attorney and in her universe attorneys are allowed to not work for 6 years until their children are old enough to enter the school system.
Her most recent lecture involves giving me the gift of fear. Why thank you, but I will have to respectfully decline such a lovely and thoughtful present.
What she is referring to is this new book by Gavin De Becker where he basically states that women are weak and should listen to their inner voice when in situations. While I am not averse to listening to one’s “gut”, I am incredibly dubious of self-help books and their power over people like my mother. By creating a culture of female victims preemptively, what is this saying for female empowerment? What sort of moral panic are we constructing as our starting out point that women need to live in this heightened sense of self-awareness that around every corner lurks a rapist and a murderer. I am not living in victim land population women, nor do I like the position-ality it creates to begin with. I staunchly reject that just being a woman places me in a position of natural victim and obvious prey. While I agree, we need to be aware of the signs around us and the warnings that we are sometimes oblivious to, I do not think anyone needs a “gift of fear”.
A gift of fear, what does that even mean? To be gifted fear, fear of what? Of whom and why? (There are obvious racial and class based problems with this assumption) And what sort of gift is this? Can I exchange it for a gift of self-confidence, or perhaps equality, or maybe even reliable and credible statistics and citations for said book? Fear is an emotion that is culturally constructed. This is just the next moral panic that preys upon women who are already fearful and a society unable to rationalize violence and structural reasoning behind them. We blame individuals not the structures that created them. I am not going to live my life in fear of those who do not have the privileges that I have. I am not going to fear those who are darker skinned or lower class just because society has conditioned me to see that as suspect. This book provides the reader with a worldview that everything in life is meant to be feared, and that by being hyper vigilant you can avoid rape, murder, school shootings, etc. I would prefer the gift of common sense and social awareness.
I do not care if he’s just not that into me most of the time. Honestly I probably care even less. He’s a warm body until something better comes along; now try explaining that to your mother. Already older than she was when she had me, explaining the delay of marriage and family to my mother is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to my dog. She wants a successful daughter, but for her, she thinks you can have it all, but still in a particularly domestic fashion. This means I should become an attorney and in her universe attorneys are allowed to not work for 6 years until their children are old enough to enter the school system.
Her most recent lecture involves giving me the gift of fear. Why thank you, but I will have to respectfully decline such a lovely and thoughtful present.
What she is referring to is this new book by Gavin De Becker where he basically states that women are weak and should listen to their inner voice when in situations. While I am not averse to listening to one’s “gut”, I am incredibly dubious of self-help books and their power over people like my mother. By creating a culture of female victims preemptively, what is this saying for female empowerment? What sort of moral panic are we constructing as our starting out point that women need to live in this heightened sense of self-awareness that around every corner lurks a rapist and a murderer. I am not living in victim land population women, nor do I like the position-ality it creates to begin with. I staunchly reject that just being a woman places me in a position of natural victim and obvious prey. While I agree, we need to be aware of the signs around us and the warnings that we are sometimes oblivious to, I do not think anyone needs a “gift of fear”.
A gift of fear, what does that even mean? To be gifted fear, fear of what? Of whom and why? (There are obvious racial and class based problems with this assumption) And what sort of gift is this? Can I exchange it for a gift of self-confidence, or perhaps equality, or maybe even reliable and credible statistics and citations for said book? Fear is an emotion that is culturally constructed. This is just the next moral panic that preys upon women who are already fearful and a society unable to rationalize violence and structural reasoning behind them. We blame individuals not the structures that created them. I am not going to live my life in fear of those who do not have the privileges that I have. I am not going to fear those who are darker skinned or lower class just because society has conditioned me to see that as suspect. This book provides the reader with a worldview that everything in life is meant to be feared, and that by being hyper vigilant you can avoid rape, murder, school shootings, etc. I would prefer the gift of common sense and social awareness.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
E-mail Exchange between me and the New Boy
Me: re: open relationships. I am adamant about not really divulging details on past relationships. I don’t think they do any good except make people jealous. There were people in my past, nothing very serious. I dated etc. But I never really settled down. I held back feelings, I second- guessed myself and I got bored very quickly. If you were a challenge I probably kept up the chase longer, but in the end it wasn't worth it and I wouldn't stick around. I see good qualities in people and there is usually something I can relate to, so I try to figure people out. But I am not going to stick around and be in a relationship just because you like me. I have a friend who loves being in love so much that she constantly goes from crappy serious relationship to another crappy serious relationship. I hesitate to commit because I know that in the end, the reason I like you in the beginning is because its fun and feeling liked is good. But that’s not a reason to continue something, and I wont do that. I want adventure, I want someone to grow with I want to be constantly stimulated (get your mind out of the gutter, I mean life wise) and I just haven’t really settled because I find that hard to find in people and I think also I intimidate. I've been hurt because I try to mold people into the person I see they can become. I've tried to relationship the wrong people and the wrong people have tried to relationship me. This is why what we're doing is so utterly amazing to me. I am enamored and THRILLED with the level of sappy-ness, it makes me happy, and it goes both ways. BUT it's not just initial courtship that I think we are attracted to. I like who you are NOW, but I also see (a little bit, it hasn’t been THAT long that we've been together) where we can grow together as people. I have never really felt that, I might be wrong, who knows. But that's how I feel about you. We think similarly, freakishly so, sex aside we enjoy the same things, and these activities aren't things that wane when the sexual tension diminishes. So there you go, stop being jealous because there has been no one like you, ever.
NB (New Boy): Siiiiiigh... Flutter..... Siiigh, you just did something profound. You told me everything I wanted to know and more without answering the wrong question I posed.
Me: you know how much I want to bone you right now?
NB: Mmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!! NO. But I know how much I want to fuck you senseless and then do it all slow and romantical so's we don't feel too dirty :-))) TELL me how much!
Me: enough that I would be willing to engage in the most embarrassing form of mating, e-mail sex that’s how much, CYBER SEX. So creepy. That is how much I want to bone you right now, its absurd.
NB: I am crazy about you!
Me: I know it hasn't been a long time, and things are moving fast but I just wanted to let you know how much fun I'm having. I think we can have a good time exploring each other’s points on things both intellectually and most certainly in the bedroom. I want you to be able to let me take control, just experience the moment and the happiness that it gives me. I want you to push me, so I can push you harder, take it further, where we both get more of what we want and it only goes up. I am going to go to sleep on this note with thoughts of us fucking on my living room couch.
NB (New Boy): Siiiiiigh... Flutter..... Siiigh, you just did something profound. You told me everything I wanted to know and more without answering the wrong question I posed.
Me: you know how much I want to bone you right now?
NB: Mmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!! NO. But I know how much I want to fuck you senseless and then do it all slow and romantical so's we don't feel too dirty :-))) TELL me how much!
Me: enough that I would be willing to engage in the most embarrassing form of mating, e-mail sex that’s how much, CYBER SEX. So creepy. That is how much I want to bone you right now, its absurd.
NB: I am crazy about you!
Me: I know it hasn't been a long time, and things are moving fast but I just wanted to let you know how much fun I'm having. I think we can have a good time exploring each other’s points on things both intellectually and most certainly in the bedroom. I want you to be able to let me take control, just experience the moment and the happiness that it gives me. I want you to push me, so I can push you harder, take it further, where we both get more of what we want and it only goes up. I am going to go to sleep on this note with thoughts of us fucking on my living room couch.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Smut Meme
Marcelle tagged me to answer this meme. I looked at the questions and went to town. Please see below. This is from Isabella who created this meme.
All right. Down to business. Here are the rules, per Isabella : You’re welcome to post it on your blogs. You must call it the Smut Meme (obvious reasons, I’d hope), you must link to me in the title, and you must tag 2 people, and link to them as well. Oh, and you must post this little blurb of instructions at the beginning, like I’ve just done. Got it? Ok then. The idea is to pick one or the other, even if you prefer neither. I’ll go first. If you want to play along you can answer the questions in the comments.
1. Chocolate or Whipped Cream: I think chocolate can get messy. For eating I would say Panna Cotta with raspberries. For sex most definitely whipped cream.
2. Leather or PVC: I agree with Marcelle, PVC has a better texture. I love the smell of leather; it smells of wide-open lands and tanned farmhands. BUT PVC has an urban quality to it. It smells like man created it and it has a shinier and more expressive texture. I would go with PVC, but then again it depends on what is made out of each. Collars: leather, PVC: clothing
3. Outdoor Sex or Indoor Sex: Depends on where, there is nothing like the tried and true standard of fucking in a bed. But there is something thrilling about outdoor sex. Indoor sex!
4. In the Jacuzzi or In Bed: Ok, from my limited personal experience sex in water is difficult. What about sex on the edge of the Jacuzzi? I also know that Jacuzzi’s are hotbeds (literally, hee hee) for disease and UTIs, and for someone who just needs to sneeze wrong to get a UTI I try to be careful. So I would go with bed.
5. Bad Sex or No Sex: I have had bad sex, and in each instance would have chosen “no sex” upon further consideration and hindsight.
6. Dominate or Be Dominated: Dominate.
7. Thigh highs or Body stocking: Body stocking? Like full body fishnets? Do you know how hard it is to get fishnets on to begin with and tights in general? I will say thigh highs, I think there is something about that space where they stop and skin begins that is super alluring.
8. Fast or Slow: Slow foreplay, fast hard fucking. (Taken right from Marcelle, I agree 100%)
9. Rough or Gentle: I like it both ways, specifically I enjoy my gentle tender sex to be rough, and I like my rough sex to be tender and gentle. It can, I’m sure you’ve experienced it. When I am being rough physically, I am being tender and giving. Each move is premeditated and I follow it up with soft cooing and tender kisses. Tender sex I like verbally rough, I want you to tell me what you want to be doing when you gently nuzzle the inside of my thigh, I want to hear it in all its dirty word glory.
10. Bite or Suck: I would say nuzzle. And wait, who is doing what? I like to bite. I do not really like to be bitten heavily, it hurts! Is there a word for rub your stubble across my nipple? I choose that.
11. Role-play or Reality: yet again, I need more clarification. My role-playing is real. But I love a good costume and a good show; I would go for Role Play.
12. Dirty Talking or Dirty Talking To: I am such a fan of dirty talk. I love phone sex, I love flirty IM conversations, and I love literary smut. I like to do some talking, but mostly I like to listen to you tell me all the naughty things you want to do to me and then I’ll decide if you will be allowed.
13. Edible panties or No Panties: Aren’t edible panties just like fruit-roll-ups in underwear form? I am not putting pureed, leathered fruit on my vag. No panties are also much more fun. Especially if you are out at an event and then text your boyfriend halfway through the night regarding your lack of underwear. Oh I am SO doing that (note to self)
14. Spanking paddle or Barehanded: I like the sound of both, for me, it all depends on the bruise it can leave and the sound that it makes. Since crop isn't an option, Barehanded.
15. Landing Strip or Kojak: What is a Kojak? Does this make me lame in the sex blog category since I have never heard that term before? I personally like the landing strip. There is something to be said for the veiled beauty of a semi-haired vagina.
16. Multiple Sessions or One Good Fuck: Multiples please!!! If we can keep the intensity I can go all night long, love it!
17. Moaning or Screaming: Moaning. Screaming brings the cops. I also like to make you moan, makes me know I’m doing a good job. I like vocal sex. Screaming, eh, not so much.
18. Older Men or Young Men: How much older? I don’t want to fuck anyone who could be remotely considered in my father’s cohort. No baby boomers and no one with middle school aged children. I prefer around my age and perhaps slightly older. So older.
19. Three-way or No Way: If I was in control of the entire situation, then yes. I am comfortable with a 3 way. It could include any multiple; I’m just not going to lick someone else’s vagina.
20. Swing or No Swinging: This is a hard one for me, for someone who has never really had success with serious relationships I wonder if I am not supposed to be in them. I look to the next conquest. But if you are my partner, you better keep your dick to yourself or I’m cutting it off. I demand emotional monogamy, and sometimes separating sex from feelings is difficult, this could lead to problems. For the sake of all parties and my sanity, No Swinging.
Now I am going to Tag:
Una Ebria
and Unspeakable Axe , I want to hear a Submissive Male's feelings on this.
All right. Down to business. Here are the rules, per Isabella : You’re welcome to post it on your blogs. You must call it the Smut Meme (obvious reasons, I’d hope), you must link to me in the title, and you must tag 2 people, and link to them as well. Oh, and you must post this little blurb of instructions at the beginning, like I’ve just done. Got it? Ok then. The idea is to pick one or the other, even if you prefer neither. I’ll go first. If you want to play along you can answer the questions in the comments.
1. Chocolate or Whipped Cream: I think chocolate can get messy. For eating I would say Panna Cotta with raspberries. For sex most definitely whipped cream.
2. Leather or PVC: I agree with Marcelle, PVC has a better texture. I love the smell of leather; it smells of wide-open lands and tanned farmhands. BUT PVC has an urban quality to it. It smells like man created it and it has a shinier and more expressive texture. I would go with PVC, but then again it depends on what is made out of each. Collars: leather, PVC: clothing
3. Outdoor Sex or Indoor Sex: Depends on where, there is nothing like the tried and true standard of fucking in a bed. But there is something thrilling about outdoor sex. Indoor sex!
4. In the Jacuzzi or In Bed: Ok, from my limited personal experience sex in water is difficult. What about sex on the edge of the Jacuzzi? I also know that Jacuzzi’s are hotbeds (literally, hee hee) for disease and UTIs, and for someone who just needs to sneeze wrong to get a UTI I try to be careful. So I would go with bed.
5. Bad Sex or No Sex: I have had bad sex, and in each instance would have chosen “no sex” upon further consideration and hindsight.
6. Dominate or Be Dominated: Dominate.
7. Thigh highs or Body stocking: Body stocking? Like full body fishnets? Do you know how hard it is to get fishnets on to begin with and tights in general? I will say thigh highs, I think there is something about that space where they stop and skin begins that is super alluring.
8. Fast or Slow: Slow foreplay, fast hard fucking. (Taken right from Marcelle, I agree 100%)
9. Rough or Gentle: I like it both ways, specifically I enjoy my gentle tender sex to be rough, and I like my rough sex to be tender and gentle. It can, I’m sure you’ve experienced it. When I am being rough physically, I am being tender and giving. Each move is premeditated and I follow it up with soft cooing and tender kisses. Tender sex I like verbally rough, I want you to tell me what you want to be doing when you gently nuzzle the inside of my thigh, I want to hear it in all its dirty word glory.
10. Bite or Suck: I would say nuzzle. And wait, who is doing what? I like to bite. I do not really like to be bitten heavily, it hurts! Is there a word for rub your stubble across my nipple? I choose that.
11. Role-play or Reality: yet again, I need more clarification. My role-playing is real. But I love a good costume and a good show; I would go for Role Play.
12. Dirty Talking or Dirty Talking To: I am such a fan of dirty talk. I love phone sex, I love flirty IM conversations, and I love literary smut. I like to do some talking, but mostly I like to listen to you tell me all the naughty things you want to do to me and then I’ll decide if you will be allowed.
13. Edible panties or No Panties: Aren’t edible panties just like fruit-roll-ups in underwear form? I am not putting pureed, leathered fruit on my vag. No panties are also much more fun. Especially if you are out at an event and then text your boyfriend halfway through the night regarding your lack of underwear. Oh I am SO doing that (note to self)
14. Spanking paddle or Barehanded: I like the sound of both, for me, it all depends on the bruise it can leave and the sound that it makes. Since crop isn't an option, Barehanded.
15. Landing Strip or Kojak: What is a Kojak? Does this make me lame in the sex blog category since I have never heard that term before? I personally like the landing strip. There is something to be said for the veiled beauty of a semi-haired vagina.
16. Multiple Sessions or One Good Fuck: Multiples please!!! If we can keep the intensity I can go all night long, love it!
17. Moaning or Screaming: Moaning. Screaming brings the cops. I also like to make you moan, makes me know I’m doing a good job. I like vocal sex. Screaming, eh, not so much.
18. Older Men or Young Men: How much older? I don’t want to fuck anyone who could be remotely considered in my father’s cohort. No baby boomers and no one with middle school aged children. I prefer around my age and perhaps slightly older. So older.
19. Three-way or No Way: If I was in control of the entire situation, then yes. I am comfortable with a 3 way. It could include any multiple; I’m just not going to lick someone else’s vagina.
20. Swing or No Swinging: This is a hard one for me, for someone who has never really had success with serious relationships I wonder if I am not supposed to be in them. I look to the next conquest. But if you are my partner, you better keep your dick to yourself or I’m cutting it off. I demand emotional monogamy, and sometimes separating sex from feelings is difficult, this could lead to problems. For the sake of all parties and my sanity, No Swinging.
Now I am going to Tag:
Una Ebria
and Unspeakable Axe , I want to hear a Submissive Male's feelings on this.
Chat exchange and sexual play
NewBoy: you should be loved and treasured...
and fucked savagely
How flipping awesome is that? We had a long conversation last night. Many things came out.
1- he tries to keep me entertained so sometimes he gets a little too snarky when the mood does not call for trash talking.
It truly confused me, I was trying to figure out his take on things. I have skirted around the whole dominance thing with him, but I think with all beginning relationships it requires a nice long talk as to what that means to each person. I like the banter, but I also want to be able to take control without SO much trash talk that I don't feel like I have the upper hand.
Any suggestions?
He also made some comment that he does want me to take control, but I am going to see how that develops, I'm not sure what context he meant it in. Although he did use the word "submit", "control", and "power". Some useful keywords. I'll keep you posted. If anyone knows some beginning games to play and scenes to have, I'm all ears.
and fucked savagely
How flipping awesome is that? We had a long conversation last night. Many things came out.
1- he tries to keep me entertained so sometimes he gets a little too snarky when the mood does not call for trash talking.
It truly confused me, I was trying to figure out his take on things. I have skirted around the whole dominance thing with him, but I think with all beginning relationships it requires a nice long talk as to what that means to each person. I like the banter, but I also want to be able to take control without SO much trash talk that I don't feel like I have the upper hand.
Any suggestions?
He also made some comment that he does want me to take control, but I am going to see how that develops, I'm not sure what context he meant it in. Although he did use the word "submit", "control", and "power". Some useful keywords. I'll keep you posted. If anyone knows some beginning games to play and scenes to have, I'm all ears.
Friday, January 25, 2008
After a Storm, there is a rainbow.
In the past month I have gone through a lot. Thankfully I have been so busy that I really haven’t noticed or have had time to process. I threw myself into work, hobbies and sloughed off my stable. I guess it was my unconscious New Years resolution. I think I needed a serious break to start living my life, I was unconsciously closing myself off I think, or I just wasn’t ready to meet someone special.
I am thoroughly knee deep in serious “like” and it’s rising by the second, I might drown. ;) We’re taking it slow, so no dirty posts for a while (except fantasy and fiction) but I am totally blown away. Is this what it’s supposed to feel like?
He’s in music and I have been trying to get back into it again these days. I was a classical violinist as a child but burnt out after fourteen years of a scheduling that can only be described as grueling. I was being groomed for the biggies, but as a teenager I wanted to experience more than one thing and I rested on my laurels until I finally gave it up. But I am trying to get back and remember what I loved about music to begin with. I know I have said before I love electronic music. Love it. It moves my body and sometimes my soul, I know some people think it’s cheesy and full of losers and druggies but I discovered myself when I discovered house music. I was young, impressionable, sometimes on ecstasy and having a blast. As a musician who loves the power and intensity of symphonic classical music, how could I not fall in love with all the layers of electronic dance music? I could feel through music. Now I want to create that for myself, pull together from all my parts and create something that maybe other people would enjoy just as much. I am a huge fan of dirty, bass thumping on the floor humping nasty lyrics of raw house music, its tough, its fun, it makes me wish I could snarl like Billy idol. Then I like the long trancey progressive sound that’s uplifting, spiritual, and makes you involuntary raise your hands in the air. Sometimes its so good its “oh my fucking god I don’t know if I want to have sex, or cry or dance,” I just feel alive. I want to be able to create that, so I can have something that makes me feel like that. When I want to have those emotions, powerful and floaty, hard core and above it all, sweaty and spiritual, naughty angelic, I can put on something to either bring me back to that on a bad day, or when I am feeling great, make it feel better (if I create this, I will definitely share for all those who like boning to house music).
So back to the story, so he’s in music and he told me he is in the process of actually compiling a mix of all the songs that make him think of me, and by the sounds he usually plays and the person he is, its going to be so spot on.
“I’ll give you that when I’m playing out, you’ll know it’s for you and everyone else just gets to hear it”
Oh my god, where has this one been for so long.
I am thoroughly knee deep in serious “like” and it’s rising by the second, I might drown. ;) We’re taking it slow, so no dirty posts for a while (except fantasy and fiction) but I am totally blown away. Is this what it’s supposed to feel like?
He’s in music and I have been trying to get back into it again these days. I was a classical violinist as a child but burnt out after fourteen years of a scheduling that can only be described as grueling. I was being groomed for the biggies, but as a teenager I wanted to experience more than one thing and I rested on my laurels until I finally gave it up. But I am trying to get back and remember what I loved about music to begin with. I know I have said before I love electronic music. Love it. It moves my body and sometimes my soul, I know some people think it’s cheesy and full of losers and druggies but I discovered myself when I discovered house music. I was young, impressionable, sometimes on ecstasy and having a blast. As a musician who loves the power and intensity of symphonic classical music, how could I not fall in love with all the layers of electronic dance music? I could feel through music. Now I want to create that for myself, pull together from all my parts and create something that maybe other people would enjoy just as much. I am a huge fan of dirty, bass thumping on the floor humping nasty lyrics of raw house music, its tough, its fun, it makes me wish I could snarl like Billy idol. Then I like the long trancey progressive sound that’s uplifting, spiritual, and makes you involuntary raise your hands in the air. Sometimes its so good its “oh my fucking god I don’t know if I want to have sex, or cry or dance,” I just feel alive. I want to be able to create that, so I can have something that makes me feel like that. When I want to have those emotions, powerful and floaty, hard core and above it all, sweaty and spiritual, naughty angelic, I can put on something to either bring me back to that on a bad day, or when I am feeling great, make it feel better (if I create this, I will definitely share for all those who like boning to house music).
So back to the story, so he’s in music and he told me he is in the process of actually compiling a mix of all the songs that make him think of me, and by the sounds he usually plays and the person he is, its going to be so spot on.
“I’ll give you that when I’m playing out, you’ll know it’s for you and everyone else just gets to hear it”
Oh my god, where has this one been for so long.
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