A step sideways

So, I just spoke to The Boy. Grar, it was great and awful and exciting, and turned me on and made me think delicious awful thoughts about hitting him and holding him and yet again it made me ache in a way that honestly, only he can conjure (is that what love feels like? I hate being one of those people who is like “but I Love him”).
But it brings up many issues that I have with relationships, men and dating (big surprise, I know ☺ )
The conversation was different, I felt like I had the upper hand. I finally felt like I had a modicum of control over the direction of our relationship. I worry though, do I feel like this because I am better at being dominant, or is it because I have a fallback?
I don’t want to even talk about MJ like that, but it’s sort of true. He tries really hard, and maybe with time he can be that person for me, but right now the major things going for him is that he’s here and he’s willing to put up with my waffling nature. But he is also way too nice and considerate to even think about him as just a warm body to keep me company for a while. Even having these thoughts bothers me and makes me feel like an awful person for being so emotionally flippant about someone who obviously cares deeply about me. Which then of course makes me feel worse, it’s a continual “well, I’m living my life” “I’m living my life like a dick” back-and-forth.
I feel like I'm doing myself a sort of disservice by not fully committing to MJ, but I honestly don’t think I can. But I also don’t want to use him, I mean he knows that we’re not exclusive I told him I run from relationships (sprint is more like it), but ultimately I think he wants something I cant provide. I mean, I am still turned on by him, but in a different way than the Boy.
I think it also has to do with the dynamic of the relationship I have with MJ and the relationship I have with TB (the boy for short). With TB it’s always slightly difficult, which makes it more fun. I want to dominate him because he’s hard to tie down. It’s like rescuing a feral cat and trying to tame them. It’s exciting in the same way. MJ, it seems too easy right now, he needs so much lifting up sometimes that putting him down just doesn’t seem like so much fun. I feel like hitting him and humiliating him would be like hurting a wounded puppy, he brings out different instincts in me, instincts to protect and to safeguard, not to breakdown so I can then bring him up in my image. MJ is willing to try, and that alone scares me because I do not know if I want to take that sort of submission. I like the cat and mouse, I like the game and I feel like he would automatically let me win. (Like he does when we play x-box)
I feel he never really got validation for who he is, so right now its just trying to show him that he is a good person. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting more, and wanting TB. Not like he has his act together either. We’re talking about having me come visit for New Years, finally engaging in the play that we have talked about now for over a year. It’s exciting, its scary and whatever the outcome, I think its something I need to do for myself to see if this is what I want sexually with out without him. It’s also New Years, I mean, that in itself is so dopily romantic. I always crave that movie romance moment that my adolescent self still craves, but does it exist? Is TB and all that goes with him just some sort of kinky adolescent fantasy of love and domination? (And how do I reconcile those two now, ugh)
But I feel that since we know each other so well, and we know how the other one works, it’s a good place to start. Right now, I want to feel that with him. I want to take both of our BDSM cherries. No matter the outcome, I want him to look back and always think of me as his first.
But then I get self-conscious and start feeling down on myself for wanting a relationship yet continually sabotaging my efforts. But do I want a relationship? And I feel that someone is always going to get the short end of this stick, and I don’t want it to be me.