So The Boy and I are over. I'm done being put through the emotional ringer and he's done with having the same conversation with me about how he's not giving me enough. So tonight I am going to drink a bottle of wine, watch the notebook and then move the fuck on. I tried being emotional and open for once, and it didn't work. So...back to my stable and separation from "feelings" time to move on.
this blog will not end, its not about him dammit, its about me. When I've had time to process I will write more. But rest assured, his number is already deleted and I am too stubborn and thickheaded to revisit that hurt anytime soon.
I also want to say thanks so much for all the support, all the comments have been a true blessing and I feel so happy to know that people are out there that I can turn to.
I wish I can find that guy who wants to play these games with me, but understand the emotional price that they pay. I could never hurt someone I do not love (i know thats weird, but for right now, there is just many issues of trust for me to just play at that) and he never got that.
So posts to come
- more pop culture discussions, i have been meaning to talk about gentlemen prefer blondes (the movie) and wonderwoman (the history) so that's coming
- the OTHER men in my life (yes even when I do feel "feelings" I never put all my eggs in one basket)
- and once I can, how I really feel about the present circumstances.
I want to say thank you to everyone who reads this blog, who listens to my shit, and is my sounding board.
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Monday, October 1, 2007
The coming week/ my "to do" list
Ok so I haven't posted in awhile because things haven't been that exciting or difficult to work out. Well probably both of those things aren't true, but I’ll start from the beginning and work my way back down.
Always the place to start the boy.
I have been thinking of a way to talk to him about my concerns.
1- I am not sure he likes me or he likes the image of me he can create in his mind (and corollary to this he worries that to please him I will become the woman or bow to the woman he has in his mind- this one is only slightly true)
2- he's not attentive enough, and I know he’s in a rough spot but he needs to think about my needs too and that its just a fact that I am needier and he is going to have to know how to deal with that
3- now here is where it gets hairy, I finally confronted him about the fact that I think we have been cheated out of our relationship since we have never lived in the same place for too long. I was drunk and it all just came out, and I wasn't ready to share this with him yet because I didn't think it through and it probably came out whiny and annoying. Fuck, and he’s not in a good place because he's missing home and when I want to be comforted, I don’t do so well with the comforting and then things get even weirder between us.
Phew.
But I think where he is in his life; it’s easier for him to come here than for me to totally uproot myself in 3 yrs and move someplace where I have no family. If he chooses to go back to school where I live, that’s a great training wheels period with a finite ending that we can experience each other and then, if I am still in love with him, it miraculously worked out then I am ready to jump off a cliff if I have to keep him around.
So on that note, I'm just going to take a breather from him for awhile (I think it might be best, but as always I love your comments and thoughts) and just let him think for awhile, although he gets stuck in his head too much, if he’s not there 100% I can't make him. And I hate just puking feelings everywhere since I get uncomfortable when that happens to me I don't want to do it. I think in a few days we'll talk about it, and since I wrote it out, it hopefully will go smoother. I just think that its time for me to either jump into it, or stop caring no more feelings limbo with this one.
Next post: possible adorable little international man-child I can mold to my every kinky fantasy. Rendezvous with the boy I beat up when I went out of town… and hopefully less procrastination and more completion of work.
Always the place to start the boy.
I have been thinking of a way to talk to him about my concerns.
1- I am not sure he likes me or he likes the image of me he can create in his mind (and corollary to this he worries that to please him I will become the woman or bow to the woman he has in his mind- this one is only slightly true)
2- he's not attentive enough, and I know he’s in a rough spot but he needs to think about my needs too and that its just a fact that I am needier and he is going to have to know how to deal with that
3- now here is where it gets hairy, I finally confronted him about the fact that I think we have been cheated out of our relationship since we have never lived in the same place for too long. I was drunk and it all just came out, and I wasn't ready to share this with him yet because I didn't think it through and it probably came out whiny and annoying. Fuck, and he’s not in a good place because he's missing home and when I want to be comforted, I don’t do so well with the comforting and then things get even weirder between us.
Phew.
But I think where he is in his life; it’s easier for him to come here than for me to totally uproot myself in 3 yrs and move someplace where I have no family. If he chooses to go back to school where I live, that’s a great training wheels period with a finite ending that we can experience each other and then, if I am still in love with him, it miraculously worked out then I am ready to jump off a cliff if I have to keep him around.
So on that note, I'm just going to take a breather from him for awhile (I think it might be best, but as always I love your comments and thoughts) and just let him think for awhile, although he gets stuck in his head too much, if he’s not there 100% I can't make him. And I hate just puking feelings everywhere since I get uncomfortable when that happens to me I don't want to do it. I think in a few days we'll talk about it, and since I wrote it out, it hopefully will go smoother. I just think that its time for me to either jump into it, or stop caring no more feelings limbo with this one.
Next post: possible adorable little international man-child I can mold to my every kinky fantasy. Rendezvous with the boy I beat up when I went out of town… and hopefully less procrastination and more completion of work.
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