A new day and some new questions

With one night behind me, I'm actually feeling better. When I think about it, i still feel like shit, but it also feels kind of freeing and new again. Like the way I look at Monday before I get behind in my work, there is possibility again. I haven't tried truly dating now that I know what I want. Although I feel this might be harder now.
SO besides, tall, dark, handsome, smart, witty, successful I now have to add "want's to get it up the butt by a strap on". (Combined with me wanted to do said activity with said person) This might be difficult.
I also was wondering some logistics- to all the sub men out there and dominant women: How does one hit their partner while having sex with them? Is this a possibility? Do I always have to be on top, is there anyway I can sit back and enjoy the ride and then participate every now and again. There has to be a position to make this possible.
I'm still sad, but whatever...I'm not giving him power over me anymore (I know that sounds weird since he wanted to be my sub, but let's face it, it was true).

Outlet quality "irregulars"

I'm going to apologize for not posting in awhile. What do you post on a sex blog when you're not having kinky sex? or not even thinking about kinky sex?!?!
Right now I find myself collecting a stable full of strays. They are all very sweet and all have different qualitites, but apparently the most important one is that I have total control and they stroke (not something sexual) my ego. Which I kind of need right now after the loss of my oh so favorite sexual object and love of my life "the boy". It still hurts my heart, and I haven't really dealt with it, although the roomie was great about it. But I think it was for the best, he will never make the grand gesture I oh so desire (move to where I am) so its just a fantasy.
But with my new stable of factory rejects, or outlet quality irregulars I wonder, can I find what I'm looking for? I want a man, full on Y chromosome, intelligent, witty, smart, upwardly mobile (this could be anything, he just has to be working towards something) man who is MANLY and also wants to submit. I am not ready to look on line, since I am not looking for more weird sexual fuckbuddies, I am just looking for someone who can give me those giant puppy dog eyes and still look masculine doing it. That's what I like, the big ole man, submitting to lil ole me. It turns me on, I want to enjoy my smallness and femininity and control your big male self. No more wussy guys (sorry wussy guys) or overly dominant guys (sorry all you cavemen types).
are you out there?
As you can see I have both right now.
I have a guy who is so sexually agressive it borders on rape and makes me feel uncomfortable, he texts (not even calls, such a bad news bear) and wants me to come over at 10pm to hang out. Um, not going to happen.
And then I have a few who think I am awesome, but they are not agressive enough.

I miss my boy.
not to mention I saw his doppelganger last night, compelte with puppy dog eyes and lovely mouthed slightly opened innocence....sigh

I will post some cool new stuff on here soon, give me time to go through some growing pains.

Moving on

So The Boy and I are over. I'm done being put through the emotional ringer and he's done with having the same conversation with me about how he's not giving me enough. So tonight I am going to drink a bottle of wine, watch the notebook and then move the fuck on. I tried being emotional and open for once, and it didn't work. So...back to my stable and separation from "feelings" time to move on.
this blog will not end, its not about him dammit, its about me. When I've had time to process I will write more. But rest assured, his number is already deleted and I am too stubborn and thickheaded to revisit that hurt anytime soon.
I also want to say thanks so much for all the support, all the comments have been a true blessing and I feel so happy to know that people are out there that I can turn to.
I wish I can find that guy who wants to play these games with me, but understand the emotional price that they pay. I could never hurt someone I do not love (i know thats weird, but for right now, there is just many issues of trust for me to just play at that) and he never got that.
So posts to come
- more pop culture discussions, i have been meaning to talk about gentlemen prefer blondes (the movie) and wonderwoman (the history) so that's coming
- the OTHER men in my life (yes even when I do feel "feelings" I never put all my eggs in one basket)
- and once I can, how I really feel about the present circumstances.


I want to say thank you to everyone who reads this blog, who listens to my shit, and is my sounding board.

Vacation, crisis of identity

Sorry I've been gone. I went away for 10 days (without boyfriend) and decided to take a break from writing and try doing some thinking for a change. Will update shortly. The boy has been giving my problems of late, with him its like one step fwd, 4 steps back. He has issues with wrestling with his desires versus what society has told him he should do/be. He also has issues (i think) with the level of intimacy a relationship like this requires. any people out there have any ideas how to get over this hurdle?