I'm going to apologize for not posting in awhile. What do you post on a sex blog when you're not having kinky sex? or not even thinking about kinky sex?!?!
Right now I find myself collecting a stable full of strays. They are all very sweet and all have different qualitites, but apparently the most important one is that I have total control and they stroke (not something sexual) my ego. Which I kind of need right now after the loss of my oh so favorite sexual object and love of my life "the boy". It still hurts my heart, and I haven't really dealt with it, although the roomie was great about it. But I think it was for the best, he will never make the grand gesture I oh so desire (move to where I am) so its just a fantasy.
But with my new stable of factory rejects, or outlet quality irregulars I wonder, can I find what I'm looking for? I want a man, full on Y chromosome, intelligent, witty, smart, upwardly mobile (this could be anything, he just has to be working towards something) man who is MANLY and also wants to submit. I am not ready to look on line, since I am not looking for more weird sexual fuckbuddies, I am just looking for someone who can give me those giant puppy dog eyes and still look masculine doing it. That's what I like, the big ole man, submitting to lil ole me. It turns me on, I want to enjoy my smallness and femininity and control your big male self. No more wussy guys (sorry wussy guys) or overly dominant guys (sorry all you cavemen types).
are you out there?
As you can see I have both right now.
I have a guy who is so sexually agressive it borders on rape and makes me feel uncomfortable, he texts (not even calls, such a bad news bear) and wants me to come over at 10pm to hang out. Um, not going to happen.
And then I have a few who think I am awesome, but they are not agressive enough.
I miss my boy.
not to mention I saw his doppelganger last night, compelte with puppy dog eyes and lovely mouthed slightly opened innocence....sigh
I will post some cool new stuff on here soon, give me time to go through some growing pains.
Showing posts with label my stable. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my stable. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Moving on
So The Boy and I are over. I'm done being put through the emotional ringer and he's done with having the same conversation with me about how he's not giving me enough. So tonight I am going to drink a bottle of wine, watch the notebook and then move the fuck on. I tried being emotional and open for once, and it didn't work. So...back to my stable and separation from "feelings" time to move on.
this blog will not end, its not about him dammit, its about me. When I've had time to process I will write more. But rest assured, his number is already deleted and I am too stubborn and thickheaded to revisit that hurt anytime soon.
I also want to say thanks so much for all the support, all the comments have been a true blessing and I feel so happy to know that people are out there that I can turn to.
I wish I can find that guy who wants to play these games with me, but understand the emotional price that they pay. I could never hurt someone I do not love (i know thats weird, but for right now, there is just many issues of trust for me to just play at that) and he never got that.
So posts to come
- more pop culture discussions, i have been meaning to talk about gentlemen prefer blondes (the movie) and wonderwoman (the history) so that's coming
- the OTHER men in my life (yes even when I do feel "feelings" I never put all my eggs in one basket)
- and once I can, how I really feel about the present circumstances.
I want to say thank you to everyone who reads this blog, who listens to my shit, and is my sounding board.
this blog will not end, its not about him dammit, its about me. When I've had time to process I will write more. But rest assured, his number is already deleted and I am too stubborn and thickheaded to revisit that hurt anytime soon.
I also want to say thanks so much for all the support, all the comments have been a true blessing and I feel so happy to know that people are out there that I can turn to.
I wish I can find that guy who wants to play these games with me, but understand the emotional price that they pay. I could never hurt someone I do not love (i know thats weird, but for right now, there is just many issues of trust for me to just play at that) and he never got that.
So posts to come
- more pop culture discussions, i have been meaning to talk about gentlemen prefer blondes (the movie) and wonderwoman (the history) so that's coming
- the OTHER men in my life (yes even when I do feel "feelings" I never put all my eggs in one basket)
- and once I can, how I really feel about the present circumstances.
I want to say thank you to everyone who reads this blog, who listens to my shit, and is my sounding board.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
It's just a little bit of History repeating
Jesus, I just realized something about myself and I’m amazed that I’m that predictable and pissed that I’m doing it again.
Fuck
So if you read past blog entries I sort of whine about the fact that I have no stable of men, that it dwindled and became a stable of zero and blah blah, change of life, new leaf, no more stringing men and keeping them around but I get hurt and like the attention all at the same time, etc etc
Well fuck
I'm doing it again, I was getting in bed getting all excited to relive that make out on the precipice which was super hot and super innocent at the same time (even though I was making him tell me he wanted me to hit him harder) and then I realized, shit, I'm not fantasizing about The boy, I'm thinking of someone else, someone has gained entry into my one handed bedtime stories, and that got me thinking, shit
The stable is back....
In this stall we have
Mr. Boston- an original stable member who I made out with in Cancun in get ready... 2001 that long ago, he floats in and out. But these days, I’m not so swept up in him, but he’s a super nice guy, really cute, and has a really quick wit. But been there, moving on...
Then we have all young and chipper...
The Swede, an exchange student who I met out who is 4 yrs younger than me, right out of school and so bright eyed and bushy tail that he makes me think of a cartoon chipmunk, (also painfully bad in bed) no hip swerve just jackhammer but I blame his youth. This one has potential though because he’s a fast learner and I think can be trained.
There are a few more, but they are in different stages of coming in and going out, like past make outs that are thinking back fondly and might return, and new flirtations that are too new to make that call and see if they make it in, but dammit I’m rebuilding my empire. While I like it, I wont get bored and I will always have something (or someone) to think about. I'm not sure I want to; I want to be able to combine what I get from all of them into one human person. I’m fucking needy! I like getting, as much of my physical and psychological needs met...but maybe I'm ready to move on? Maybe I SHOULD move on? But I cant see myself getting serious with any of them (Except the boy, but that is too painful to think about, thinking about him hurts my heart) but this new boy (the out of town make out,) is moving away too, so yet again, he’s in the stable and due to circumstance cant make it in the main house.
And thinking of my stable, is this the way i avoid getting hurt in serious relationships or am I just really dam picky and wont make a move with
1- men who adore me (and that freaks me out)
2- men who intimidate me and therefore dick me over/we mutually move on
Ok I'm done thinking too deep in my head, I'm going back to that hot ass picture and think of the naughty things I want to do to that exposed chest.
Fuck
So if you read past blog entries I sort of whine about the fact that I have no stable of men, that it dwindled and became a stable of zero and blah blah, change of life, new leaf, no more stringing men and keeping them around but I get hurt and like the attention all at the same time, etc etc
Well fuck
I'm doing it again, I was getting in bed getting all excited to relive that make out on the precipice which was super hot and super innocent at the same time (even though I was making him tell me he wanted me to hit him harder) and then I realized, shit, I'm not fantasizing about The boy, I'm thinking of someone else, someone has gained entry into my one handed bedtime stories, and that got me thinking, shit
The stable is back....
In this stall we have
Mr. Boston- an original stable member who I made out with in Cancun in get ready... 2001 that long ago, he floats in and out. But these days, I’m not so swept up in him, but he’s a super nice guy, really cute, and has a really quick wit. But been there, moving on...
Then we have all young and chipper...
The Swede, an exchange student who I met out who is 4 yrs younger than me, right out of school and so bright eyed and bushy tail that he makes me think of a cartoon chipmunk, (also painfully bad in bed) no hip swerve just jackhammer but I blame his youth. This one has potential though because he’s a fast learner and I think can be trained.
There are a few more, but they are in different stages of coming in and going out, like past make outs that are thinking back fondly and might return, and new flirtations that are too new to make that call and see if they make it in, but dammit I’m rebuilding my empire. While I like it, I wont get bored and I will always have something (or someone) to think about. I'm not sure I want to; I want to be able to combine what I get from all of them into one human person. I’m fucking needy! I like getting, as much of my physical and psychological needs met...but maybe I'm ready to move on? Maybe I SHOULD move on? But I cant see myself getting serious with any of them (Except the boy, but that is too painful to think about, thinking about him hurts my heart) but this new boy (the out of town make out,) is moving away too, so yet again, he’s in the stable and due to circumstance cant make it in the main house.
And thinking of my stable, is this the way i avoid getting hurt in serious relationships or am I just really dam picky and wont make a move with
1- men who adore me (and that freaks me out)
2- men who intimidate me and therefore dick me over/we mutually move on
Ok I'm done thinking too deep in my head, I'm going back to that hot ass picture and think of the naughty things I want to do to that exposed chest.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Existential Crisis #1
So I've had some musings...but I don't think I really have enough readers to post an existential crisis. But I'll just go for it and see what happens.
so existential crisis #1:
So a little back story, I usually like a stable of men. Nothing serious, just a mixture of men I keep (and they spread to many continents), through e-mail, IM, phone and personal interactions I have a pretty sizable bunch. It's pretty much training wheels BDSM because I never had a community to call my own or people I could draw ideas from (thank you bitchy!!!) until now, so i was in the dark about a lot of stuff.
So these men I keep them around to make me feel good. A greeting card if you will. someone to always call me pretty, remember a wonderful time they had with me, and just generaly either lift my spirits or get me off when I feel like giving them the attention. But sometimes I lose one, and its always hard. they are MINE. mind you, i dont want to date them seriously, i just dont want them to date anyone else. i know, its selfish. So with my latest member defecting, i'm qestioning my ways. and also thinking...
ok, so now I have yet another requirement for the men I date. And the list was long to begin with.
Must be:
cute, intelligent, driven, witty, taller than me, fun to hang out with (staying in or going out), a good dancer, interested in travel, and able to explore new things and have fun
(mind you, i ususally give on some of these) This list is pretty long, and now i;ve added one more?!?!
with all my men defecting and my age not getting younger, am I just adding to my inability to ever find someone to grow old with?
ug, the feminist in me is pissed that i am thinking this way, but fuck it, i dont want to be wrinkly and all alone. what if i slip in the bathtub? they wont find me until the smell starts bothering my neighbors!! (if you couldnt tell, things aren't going well with boyfriend, we're kinda 'taking a break') grr
so frustrating
so existential crisis #1:
So a little back story, I usually like a stable of men. Nothing serious, just a mixture of men I keep (and they spread to many continents), through e-mail, IM, phone and personal interactions I have a pretty sizable bunch. It's pretty much training wheels BDSM because I never had a community to call my own or people I could draw ideas from (thank you bitchy!!!) until now, so i was in the dark about a lot of stuff.
So these men I keep them around to make me feel good. A greeting card if you will. someone to always call me pretty, remember a wonderful time they had with me, and just generaly either lift my spirits or get me off when I feel like giving them the attention. But sometimes I lose one, and its always hard. they are MINE. mind you, i dont want to date them seriously, i just dont want them to date anyone else. i know, its selfish. So with my latest member defecting, i'm qestioning my ways. and also thinking...
ok, so now I have yet another requirement for the men I date. And the list was long to begin with.
Must be:
cute, intelligent, driven, witty, taller than me, fun to hang out with (staying in or going out), a good dancer, interested in travel, and able to explore new things and have fun
(mind you, i ususally give on some of these) This list is pretty long, and now i;ve added one more?!?!
with all my men defecting and my age not getting younger, am I just adding to my inability to ever find someone to grow old with?
ug, the feminist in me is pissed that i am thinking this way, but fuck it, i dont want to be wrinkly and all alone. what if i slip in the bathtub? they wont find me until the smell starts bothering my neighbors!! (if you couldnt tell, things aren't going well with boyfriend, we're kinda 'taking a break') grr
so frustrating
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)