A little history lesson

I came across this juicy tidbit on Wikipedia (not the best source, but a great place to get some quick info)
“In his essay Coldness and Cruelty, (originally Présentation de Sacher-Masoch, 1967) Gilles Deleuze rejects the term 'sadomasochism' as artificial, especially in the context of the prototypical masochistic work, Sacher-Masoch's Venus In Furs. Deleuze instead argues that the tendency toward masochism is based on desire brought on from the delay of gratification. Taken to its extreme, an infinite delay, this is manifested as perpetual coldness. The masochist derives pleasure from, as Deleuze puts it, The Contract: the process by which he can control another individual and turn the individual into someone cold and callous. The Sadist, in contrast, derives pleasure from The Law: the unavoidable power that places one person below another. The sadist attempts to destroy the ego in an effort to unify the id and super-ego, in effect gratifying the most base desires the sadist can express while ignoring or completely suppressing the will of the ego, or of the conscience. Thus, Deleuze attempts to argue that Masochism and Sadism arise from such different impulses that the combination of the two terms is meaningless and misleading.”
Let me summarize according to Deleuze the masochist’s desire comes from delayed gratification and the contract, basically he is topping from below, turning the sadist into a big ole meanie. The sadist gets pleasure from the law, (how this is different from the contract…I do not know). There are boundaries and rules and the sadist enjoys engaging in behavior that silences their conscience and they get to act like a big meanie.
This is just plain silly in my opinion. Deleuze does not believe that the masochist and the sadist need each other since they rely on different impulses. I say I really don’t think so. The sadist enjoys walking that fine line of naughty behavior and enjoying your taking of that behavior. (Well I do) the masochist AND the sadist both like the delay in gratification. (The fucking…duh…it’s like tantric sex, just without all the weird sounding breathing and relationship to yoga). I really think this misses the boat. The sadist AND the masochist enjoy engaging in behavior that society sees as taboo. BOTH use societal cues and props to enact sexual play that engages in given power dynamics for mutual delayed gratification, titillation and a better orgasm.
While I do think he hits on a few points, rules and structure and contracts are appealing. I do love some planning; I am pretty anal. There is something to be said about a well thought out scene complete with props and steps and stages. It seems orderly yet is all dirty sexual messy, a nice dichotomy.
I think there are multiple reasons why individuals engage in sadist or masochistic sexual practices. Just read all the sex blogs out there and you can see this. There are multiple reasons and thoughts going through both participants heads. And one of them is the confusing idea that this fucked up shit might actually turn you on. And that in itself is an existential arm wrestle that gets me off.

Apologies

I've been swamped with work. About to be ABD (for all those of you in the grad student know)
send me positive vibes on Monday!!
posts resuming starting today!

xoxo

Peeny Accessories

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My relationship w. men, does he exist?

So, I’m back. While the new boy is still in my life I guess, I am not stressing anymore. I know I am pretty fantastic (most of the time), I have come to terms with most of my flaws, and am not going to let someone use those against me. He’s not fucking raspberry Snapple either so he can suck it. It also helps that he still thinks about me, I need to remember that, it’s one of my charms. For some reason I have a lasting power and a long shelf life, this is why I have a stable. Sadly I’m not interested in a stable anymore…I want something stable (come on, that was funny!)
I started trying to deconstruct myself and my interactions with men:
Sex and relationships ARE mental for me. The new boy touched on one of my major insecurities, which is I’m Insecure!!(no shit!) Isn’t everyone? There is a part of femdom I like because it’s validating, but I like that in life too. I like to be validated for the things I do, what is wrong with that or wanting that in your partner? I have a tendency to be needy. I am incredibly giving to the point of sacrifice but it comes with wide eyes and a desire to be wanted. And if you reciprocate it’s a turn on! I want to be told I’m pretty and that excites me. But nothing too saccharine, honest comments and understanding of my being are like butter. I never saw myself as a pretty child and while I received peer validation for school, looks were always something I was insecure about. Like most high achieving women I have painful insecurities about some aspect of life where I don’t feel I have full control of outcomes.
The way I deal with that; I enact my ability to control in sexual play, but with this I also enjoy some deference. It’s a typical female insecurity that manifests itself in a desire to hit men and be an object of slight adoration
Because of this insecurity I demand a level of engagement that I guess can be called submission. And the new boy is right; because of this I am also not 100% comfortable with letting go. But I haven’t had any success in explaining this standpoint and then getting what I want which makes it harder to share or “come out” the next time around.
So with new boy, I share this, how while I want certain things, I might not have really “let go”, I’m anal and an overachiever, why is this something that comes as a surprise? And what do I get back? What I wanted was a little encouragement, maybe some support and a certain kind of acceptance where I’m folded in and supported. He gave me back sarcasm and an inability and unwillingness to provide that necessary cushion.
For me to be the dominant self I see in my dreams requires a man who is able to hold me after and give me free reign to take that stage. Instead of holding it against me that I can’t do that myself. My shell has worked for a very long time, respect that.
I have a desire to see a man on his knees, I have a desire to tease and hit and bite and caress and hold; but to do that I need the level of attention and admiration that borders on parasitic. Does that make me crazy? I’m emotionally needy, I’m never had a long term relationship and I want one. But its still female dominance, its female power, with your help. I am insecure; I get uncomfortable in the male gaze. While I like it, it also makes me feel exposed. I want someone to manage that exposure to allow me to express my dominance and be supportive. Does this make any sense at all? Does this exist?