deconstructing myself, a response to Marcelle

I want to respond to Marcelle's comment in its own post because I think she brings up many interesting points that I would like to explore in this incredibly self indulgent world that is the blog/diary (blogary?).
As a product of a hetero-normative suburban family I want to discuss the paradigms we work within. To not slip into grad school jargon (also v hard to do) and not indulge too deeply in auto-ethnography (which I hate), I would like to say that intellectually, I treat my sex life like I treat my research endeavors and all aspects of my life. I work within the framework I have been given, try to test its boundaries, and then subvert/deconstruct/understand it for my own purposes or maniacal plots for world domination. I am comfortable in my ontology yet question its fences. I think I have a knack for this sort of work (well I hope so, I am making it my career).
This is what I also love about BDSM; it works within our preconceived notions of sex, desire and interaction and uses those tropes to "do" sex. You play with bondage because its so overt in its meaning. Humiliation in sexy because it subverts our understanding of tenderness, yet it’s ultimately (for me) even more tender since it requires so much more trust and openness. THAT is what turns me on, that jump off the ledge of structural reason into a world of subversion, that in reality is not very subversive. It’s just open about its use of cultural norms for sexual gain. (let’s not even get into the binary of pleasure/pain)
Example:
There is nothing sexy about my dog's collar. He wears it so if he gets lost people know whom he belongs to. I put a collar on a man and what I am doing is claiming him, metaphorically he cant get lost because he's wearing his collar, its comforting in the same way. And its a turn on, not because I own him (this is not colonialism or slavery) its because we are playing at a game of ownership, we know where the boundaries are and we walk the line for both of our excitement and gain. He willingly wears it because with its use we are using all our cultural knowledge of what wearing a collar means and using it to get off on. And that play that "doing" brings sex to another level. One that is not just insert tab a into slot b. its a mind fuck.
And I get to be the pilot of this mindfuck, and I love it!
Now to the type of men I go for, as Marcelle as put it; it is my quest. Yes I agree, I am looking for an enigma, but I don't see why it would be so hard. I mean, I had a friend who dabbled in professional domination and all her clients were these high power Wall St. types. I want to remove kink from the back alley and bring it into my bedroom. Why is that so difficult?
Why can't my counterpart want to queer male female relations like I do, and not in a grad student post modern intellectual way, in a lets stop talking like Judith Butler (shout out to Marcelle since I know she knows who that is) and lets get to the act of fucking.

I know I am creating a fantasy, that’s all I do. I've realized that, I have a very overdeveloped imagination. I think that’s where things went wrong with “the boy” and me. He saw me as this sexual fantasy but I wasn't present, his vision of what he wanted sexually was reflected onto me. Unfortunately I took that to be something different, I saw the person the WHOLE person I wanted him to be. While he was fantasizing about me sexually, I was fantasizing about his entirety.
Transformative political possibility? I hope so, I just hope to become one with my sexuality and the person I am/hope to be. The only transformative power I hope this has is to stop being so self-conscious on the inside. I posture at self-esteem, but I have some very low lows. I see sex like this to be able to give me all the emotional cravings I like, in a way that I can perform sexuality with a nice evil cackle while participating in gender normativity as well as ironically mocking it. I have grown up with too much Abercrombie and have lived too much of a normal well-adjusted female life (mind you we all have our issues and hang-ups) to turn to men in makeup or with an axe to grind against the high school jock. I was that high school jock (Think a few parts Mean Girls, one part band geek, and like 3.2 parts nerd queen) I know I was awful I’m now reformed from my evil middle school social climbing ways but I can’t get away from who I was/am and what that has made me. I like the quirky part environmental part alternative wasp.
Maybe my problem is that I think too deeply about this and need to stop theorizing and start doing.
Until I find someone, this is all just fantasy and blog fodder.

Outlet quality "irregulars"

I'm going to apologize for not posting in awhile. What do you post on a sex blog when you're not having kinky sex? or not even thinking about kinky sex?!?!
Right now I find myself collecting a stable full of strays. They are all very sweet and all have different qualitites, but apparently the most important one is that I have total control and they stroke (not something sexual) my ego. Which I kind of need right now after the loss of my oh so favorite sexual object and love of my life "the boy". It still hurts my heart, and I haven't really dealt with it, although the roomie was great about it. But I think it was for the best, he will never make the grand gesture I oh so desire (move to where I am) so its just a fantasy.
But with my new stable of factory rejects, or outlet quality irregulars I wonder, can I find what I'm looking for? I want a man, full on Y chromosome, intelligent, witty, smart, upwardly mobile (this could be anything, he just has to be working towards something) man who is MANLY and also wants to submit. I am not ready to look on line, since I am not looking for more weird sexual fuckbuddies, I am just looking for someone who can give me those giant puppy dog eyes and still look masculine doing it. That's what I like, the big ole man, submitting to lil ole me. It turns me on, I want to enjoy my smallness and femininity and control your big male self. No more wussy guys (sorry wussy guys) or overly dominant guys (sorry all you cavemen types).
are you out there?
As you can see I have both right now.
I have a guy who is so sexually agressive it borders on rape and makes me feel uncomfortable, he texts (not even calls, such a bad news bear) and wants me to come over at 10pm to hang out. Um, not going to happen.
And then I have a few who think I am awesome, but they are not agressive enough.

I miss my boy.
not to mention I saw his doppelganger last night, compelte with puppy dog eyes and lovely mouthed slightly opened innocence....sigh

I will post some cool new stuff on here soon, give me time to go through some growing pains.

Where do you fall?

I think (and I've actually been told) I am a unicorn. A fantastic mythical beast, I am honored.

Moving on

So The Boy and I are over. I'm done being put through the emotional ringer and he's done with having the same conversation with me about how he's not giving me enough. So tonight I am going to drink a bottle of wine, watch the notebook and then move the fuck on. I tried being emotional and open for once, and it didn't work. So...back to my stable and separation from "feelings" time to move on.
this blog will not end, its not about him dammit, its about me. When I've had time to process I will write more. But rest assured, his number is already deleted and I am too stubborn and thickheaded to revisit that hurt anytime soon.
I also want to say thanks so much for all the support, all the comments have been a true blessing and I feel so happy to know that people are out there that I can turn to.
I wish I can find that guy who wants to play these games with me, but understand the emotional price that they pay. I could never hurt someone I do not love (i know thats weird, but for right now, there is just many issues of trust for me to just play at that) and he never got that.
So posts to come
- more pop culture discussions, i have been meaning to talk about gentlemen prefer blondes (the movie) and wonderwoman (the history) so that's coming
- the OTHER men in my life (yes even when I do feel "feelings" I never put all my eggs in one basket)
- and once I can, how I really feel about the present circumstances.


I want to say thank you to everyone who reads this blog, who listens to my shit, and is my sounding board.

A fantasy and a worry

SO I have this fantasy, and I thought I would share some of it and see what people thought. I don't know this whole new sex life where I talk openly about what actually turns me on still gives me the heeby jeebies, but If I’m going to talk about these things with the boy, then I am going to have to be comfortable with saying it.
It kind of reminds me when I was younger and used to make out. Weird slight side note and story but I totally remember when I was younger and boys would touch me you know "down there" (if I’m going to talk about when I was in high school and early college, I might as well get right back into the mindset) I used to always push their hand away when I was feeling good, when it was getting too much. It was also, they never took the time to work out my excitement on my time, and so they just went straight for the clit. But I also never let myself truly get into the experience and go with the orgasm, I always pushed their hand away and quickly closed my legs, don't ask me why I did this. This is probably why I am so good at head, good way to get them to forget about what’s between my legs, if I’m between theirs.
Ok back to the story, so I have this fantasy, but it only involves the boy I cant put someone else in this fantasy yet. I want to have a threesome, but not in a traditional sort of way I guess. I want another woman there but she's MY play toy, basically she follows my orders, does to him what I want, he can't touch her and he has to watch me the entire time and tell me how much he likes it and thank me for it, and every now and then, I would hit him and caress him too. Oh, and he would be totally handcuffed with those nice leather ones. She would do all the work until I was ready to fuck him, and I would just get to watch, he could ask for things he wanted, but I wouldn't work on his needs because I control her. And then when I was turned on, when I wanted him, I would politely ask her to leave and we would fuck like no other.
So besides the fact that I don't know if I can control him let along some strange non-existent fantasy woman, but... is this wrong? I’m demeaning another woman for my fetish play. I feel bad about wanting to do something like this, but I find it so hot. I also find it so awful that just saying it makes me feel really creepy and wonder 1- could I really go through with it and 2- should I? Besides being so not vanilla style sex- can I handle the emotion that this would bring up in me?
(Maybe I will save this for like a 10-year anniversary, I would hope by then I would have the stones to do this)

Ok, so am I weird? What happens when you're halfway through a scene and you can't do it, it starts to make you feel small instead of big and the squishiest form of vulnerability ever?

It's just a little bit of History repeating

Jesus, I just realized something about myself and I’m amazed that I’m that predictable and pissed that I’m doing it again.
Fuck
So if you read past blog entries I sort of whine about the fact that I have no stable of men, that it dwindled and became a stable of zero and blah blah, change of life, new leaf, no more stringing men and keeping them around but I get hurt and like the attention all at the same time, etc etc
Well fuck
I'm doing it again, I was getting in bed getting all excited to relive that make out on the precipice which was super hot and super innocent at the same time (even though I was making him tell me he wanted me to hit him harder) and then I realized, shit, I'm not fantasizing about The boy, I'm thinking of someone else, someone has gained entry into my one handed bedtime stories, and that got me thinking, shit
The stable is back....
In this stall we have
Mr. Boston- an original stable member who I made out with in Cancun in get ready... 2001 that long ago, he floats in and out. But these days, I’m not so swept up in him, but he’s a super nice guy, really cute, and has a really quick wit. But been there, moving on...

Then we have all young and chipper...
The Swede, an exchange student who I met out who is 4 yrs younger than me, right out of school and so bright eyed and bushy tail that he makes me think of a cartoon chipmunk, (also painfully bad in bed) no hip swerve just jackhammer but I blame his youth. This one has potential though because he’s a fast learner and I think can be trained.

There are a few more, but they are in different stages of coming in and going out, like past make outs that are thinking back fondly and might return, and new flirtations that are too new to make that call and see if they make it in, but dammit I’m rebuilding my empire. While I like it, I wont get bored and I will always have something (or someone) to think about. I'm not sure I want to; I want to be able to combine what I get from all of them into one human person. I’m fucking needy! I like getting, as much of my physical and psychological needs met...but maybe I'm ready to move on? Maybe I SHOULD move on? But I cant see myself getting serious with any of them (Except the boy, but that is too painful to think about, thinking about him hurts my heart) but this new boy (the out of town make out,) is moving away too, so yet again, he’s in the stable and due to circumstance cant make it in the main house.
And thinking of my stable, is this the way i avoid getting hurt in serious relationships or am I just really dam picky and wont make a move with
1- men who adore me (and that freaks me out)
2- men who intimidate me and therefore dick me over/we mutually move on
Ok I'm done thinking too deep in my head, I'm going back to that hot ass picture and think of the naughty things I want to do to that exposed chest.

The coming week/ my "to do" list

Ok so I haven't posted in awhile because things haven't been that exciting or difficult to work out. Well probably both of those things aren't true, but I’ll start from the beginning and work my way back down.
Always the place to start the boy.
I have been thinking of a way to talk to him about my concerns.
1- I am not sure he likes me or he likes the image of me he can create in his mind (and corollary to this he worries that to please him I will become the woman or bow to the woman he has in his mind- this one is only slightly true)
2- he's not attentive enough, and I know he’s in a rough spot but he needs to think about my needs too and that its just a fact that I am needier and he is going to have to know how to deal with that
3- now here is where it gets hairy, I finally confronted him about the fact that I think we have been cheated out of our relationship since we have never lived in the same place for too long. I was drunk and it all just came out, and I wasn't ready to share this with him yet because I didn't think it through and it probably came out whiny and annoying. Fuck, and he’s not in a good place because he's missing home and when I want to be comforted, I don’t do so well with the comforting and then things get even weirder between us.
Phew.
But I think where he is in his life; it’s easier for him to come here than for me to totally uproot myself in 3 yrs and move someplace where I have no family. If he chooses to go back to school where I live, that’s a great training wheels period with a finite ending that we can experience each other and then, if I am still in love with him, it miraculously worked out then I am ready to jump off a cliff if I have to keep him around.

So on that note, I'm just going to take a breather from him for awhile (I think it might be best, but as always I love your comments and thoughts) and just let him think for awhile, although he gets stuck in his head too much, if he’s not there 100% I can't make him. And I hate just puking feelings everywhere since I get uncomfortable when that happens to me I don't want to do it. I think in a few days we'll talk about it, and since I wrote it out, it hopefully will go smoother. I just think that its time for me to either jump into it, or stop caring no more feelings limbo with this one.

Next post: possible adorable little international man-child I can mold to my every kinky fantasy. Rendezvous with the boy I beat up when I went out of town… and hopefully less procrastination and more completion of work.