Me: re: open relationships. I am adamant about not really divulging details on past relationships. I don’t think they do any good except make people jealous. There were people in my past, nothing very serious. I dated etc. But I never really settled down. I held back feelings, I second- guessed myself and I got bored very quickly. If you were a challenge I probably kept up the chase longer, but in the end it wasn't worth it and I wouldn't stick around. I see good qualities in people and there is usually something I can relate to, so I try to figure people out. But I am not going to stick around and be in a relationship just because you like me. I have a friend who loves being in love so much that she constantly goes from crappy serious relationship to another crappy serious relationship. I hesitate to commit because I know that in the end, the reason I like you in the beginning is because its fun and feeling liked is good. But that’s not a reason to continue something, and I wont do that. I want adventure, I want someone to grow with I want to be constantly stimulated (get your mind out of the gutter, I mean life wise) and I just haven’t really settled because I find that hard to find in people and I think also I intimidate. I've been hurt because I try to mold people into the person I see they can become. I've tried to relationship the wrong people and the wrong people have tried to relationship me. This is why what we're doing is so utterly amazing to me. I am enamored and THRILLED with the level of sappy-ness, it makes me happy, and it goes both ways. BUT it's not just initial courtship that I think we are attracted to. I like who you are NOW, but I also see (a little bit, it hasn’t been THAT long that we've been together) where we can grow together as people. I have never really felt that, I might be wrong, who knows. But that's how I feel about you. We think similarly, freakishly so, sex aside we enjoy the same things, and these activities aren't things that wane when the sexual tension diminishes. So there you go, stop being jealous because there has been no one like you, ever.
NB (New Boy): Siiiiiigh... Flutter..... Siiigh, you just did something profound. You told me everything I wanted to know and more without answering the wrong question I posed.
Me: you know how much I want to bone you right now?
NB: Mmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!! NO. But I know how much I want to fuck you senseless and then do it all slow and romantical so's we don't feel too dirty :-))) TELL me how much!
Me: enough that I would be willing to engage in the most embarrassing form of mating, e-mail sex that’s how much, CYBER SEX. So creepy. That is how much I want to bone you right now, its absurd.
NB: I am crazy about you!
Me: I know it hasn't been a long time, and things are moving fast but I just wanted to let you know how much fun I'm having. I think we can have a good time exploring each other’s points on things both intellectually and most certainly in the bedroom. I want you to be able to let me take control, just experience the moment and the happiness that it gives me. I want you to push me, so I can push you harder, take it further, where we both get more of what we want and it only goes up. I am going to go to sleep on this note with thoughts of us fucking on my living room couch.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Smut Meme
Marcelle tagged me to answer this meme. I looked at the questions and went to town. Please see below. This is from Isabella who created this meme.
All right. Down to business. Here are the rules, per Isabella : You’re welcome to post it on your blogs. You must call it the Smut Meme (obvious reasons, I’d hope), you must link to me in the title, and you must tag 2 people, and link to them as well. Oh, and you must post this little blurb of instructions at the beginning, like I’ve just done. Got it? Ok then. The idea is to pick one or the other, even if you prefer neither. I’ll go first. If you want to play along you can answer the questions in the comments.
1. Chocolate or Whipped Cream: I think chocolate can get messy. For eating I would say Panna Cotta with raspberries. For sex most definitely whipped cream.
2. Leather or PVC: I agree with Marcelle, PVC has a better texture. I love the smell of leather; it smells of wide-open lands and tanned farmhands. BUT PVC has an urban quality to it. It smells like man created it and it has a shinier and more expressive texture. I would go with PVC, but then again it depends on what is made out of each. Collars: leather, PVC: clothing
3. Outdoor Sex or Indoor Sex: Depends on where, there is nothing like the tried and true standard of fucking in a bed. But there is something thrilling about outdoor sex. Indoor sex!
4. In the Jacuzzi or In Bed: Ok, from my limited personal experience sex in water is difficult. What about sex on the edge of the Jacuzzi? I also know that Jacuzzi’s are hotbeds (literally, hee hee) for disease and UTIs, and for someone who just needs to sneeze wrong to get a UTI I try to be careful. So I would go with bed.
5. Bad Sex or No Sex: I have had bad sex, and in each instance would have chosen “no sex” upon further consideration and hindsight.
6. Dominate or Be Dominated: Dominate.
7. Thigh highs or Body stocking: Body stocking? Like full body fishnets? Do you know how hard it is to get fishnets on to begin with and tights in general? I will say thigh highs, I think there is something about that space where they stop and skin begins that is super alluring.
8. Fast or Slow: Slow foreplay, fast hard fucking. (Taken right from Marcelle, I agree 100%)
9. Rough or Gentle: I like it both ways, specifically I enjoy my gentle tender sex to be rough, and I like my rough sex to be tender and gentle. It can, I’m sure you’ve experienced it. When I am being rough physically, I am being tender and giving. Each move is premeditated and I follow it up with soft cooing and tender kisses. Tender sex I like verbally rough, I want you to tell me what you want to be doing when you gently nuzzle the inside of my thigh, I want to hear it in all its dirty word glory.
10. Bite or Suck: I would say nuzzle. And wait, who is doing what? I like to bite. I do not really like to be bitten heavily, it hurts! Is there a word for rub your stubble across my nipple? I choose that.
11. Role-play or Reality: yet again, I need more clarification. My role-playing is real. But I love a good costume and a good show; I would go for Role Play.
12. Dirty Talking or Dirty Talking To: I am such a fan of dirty talk. I love phone sex, I love flirty IM conversations, and I love literary smut. I like to do some talking, but mostly I like to listen to you tell me all the naughty things you want to do to me and then I’ll decide if you will be allowed.
13. Edible panties or No Panties: Aren’t edible panties just like fruit-roll-ups in underwear form? I am not putting pureed, leathered fruit on my vag. No panties are also much more fun. Especially if you are out at an event and then text your boyfriend halfway through the night regarding your lack of underwear. Oh I am SO doing that (note to self)
14. Spanking paddle or Barehanded: I like the sound of both, for me, it all depends on the bruise it can leave and the sound that it makes. Since crop isn't an option, Barehanded.
15. Landing Strip or Kojak: What is a Kojak? Does this make me lame in the sex blog category since I have never heard that term before? I personally like the landing strip. There is something to be said for the veiled beauty of a semi-haired vagina.
16. Multiple Sessions or One Good Fuck: Multiples please!!! If we can keep the intensity I can go all night long, love it!
17. Moaning or Screaming: Moaning. Screaming brings the cops. I also like to make you moan, makes me know I’m doing a good job. I like vocal sex. Screaming, eh, not so much.
18. Older Men or Young Men: How much older? I don’t want to fuck anyone who could be remotely considered in my father’s cohort. No baby boomers and no one with middle school aged children. I prefer around my age and perhaps slightly older. So older.
19. Three-way or No Way: If I was in control of the entire situation, then yes. I am comfortable with a 3 way. It could include any multiple; I’m just not going to lick someone else’s vagina.
20. Swing or No Swinging: This is a hard one for me, for someone who has never really had success with serious relationships I wonder if I am not supposed to be in them. I look to the next conquest. But if you are my partner, you better keep your dick to yourself or I’m cutting it off. I demand emotional monogamy, and sometimes separating sex from feelings is difficult, this could lead to problems. For the sake of all parties and my sanity, No Swinging.
Now I am going to Tag:
Una Ebria
and Unspeakable Axe , I want to hear a Submissive Male's feelings on this.
All right. Down to business. Here are the rules, per Isabella : You’re welcome to post it on your blogs. You must call it the Smut Meme (obvious reasons, I’d hope), you must link to me in the title, and you must tag 2 people, and link to them as well. Oh, and you must post this little blurb of instructions at the beginning, like I’ve just done. Got it? Ok then. The idea is to pick one or the other, even if you prefer neither. I’ll go first. If you want to play along you can answer the questions in the comments.
1. Chocolate or Whipped Cream: I think chocolate can get messy. For eating I would say Panna Cotta with raspberries. For sex most definitely whipped cream.
2. Leather or PVC: I agree with Marcelle, PVC has a better texture. I love the smell of leather; it smells of wide-open lands and tanned farmhands. BUT PVC has an urban quality to it. It smells like man created it and it has a shinier and more expressive texture. I would go with PVC, but then again it depends on what is made out of each. Collars: leather, PVC: clothing
3. Outdoor Sex or Indoor Sex: Depends on where, there is nothing like the tried and true standard of fucking in a bed. But there is something thrilling about outdoor sex. Indoor sex!
4. In the Jacuzzi or In Bed: Ok, from my limited personal experience sex in water is difficult. What about sex on the edge of the Jacuzzi? I also know that Jacuzzi’s are hotbeds (literally, hee hee) for disease and UTIs, and for someone who just needs to sneeze wrong to get a UTI I try to be careful. So I would go with bed.
5. Bad Sex or No Sex: I have had bad sex, and in each instance would have chosen “no sex” upon further consideration and hindsight.
6. Dominate or Be Dominated: Dominate.
7. Thigh highs or Body stocking: Body stocking? Like full body fishnets? Do you know how hard it is to get fishnets on to begin with and tights in general? I will say thigh highs, I think there is something about that space where they stop and skin begins that is super alluring.
8. Fast or Slow: Slow foreplay, fast hard fucking. (Taken right from Marcelle, I agree 100%)
9. Rough or Gentle: I like it both ways, specifically I enjoy my gentle tender sex to be rough, and I like my rough sex to be tender and gentle. It can, I’m sure you’ve experienced it. When I am being rough physically, I am being tender and giving. Each move is premeditated and I follow it up with soft cooing and tender kisses. Tender sex I like verbally rough, I want you to tell me what you want to be doing when you gently nuzzle the inside of my thigh, I want to hear it in all its dirty word glory.
10. Bite or Suck: I would say nuzzle. And wait, who is doing what? I like to bite. I do not really like to be bitten heavily, it hurts! Is there a word for rub your stubble across my nipple? I choose that.
11. Role-play or Reality: yet again, I need more clarification. My role-playing is real. But I love a good costume and a good show; I would go for Role Play.
12. Dirty Talking or Dirty Talking To: I am such a fan of dirty talk. I love phone sex, I love flirty IM conversations, and I love literary smut. I like to do some talking, but mostly I like to listen to you tell me all the naughty things you want to do to me and then I’ll decide if you will be allowed.
13. Edible panties or No Panties: Aren’t edible panties just like fruit-roll-ups in underwear form? I am not putting pureed, leathered fruit on my vag. No panties are also much more fun. Especially if you are out at an event and then text your boyfriend halfway through the night regarding your lack of underwear. Oh I am SO doing that (note to self)
14. Spanking paddle or Barehanded: I like the sound of both, for me, it all depends on the bruise it can leave and the sound that it makes. Since crop isn't an option, Barehanded.
15. Landing Strip or Kojak: What is a Kojak? Does this make me lame in the sex blog category since I have never heard that term before? I personally like the landing strip. There is something to be said for the veiled beauty of a semi-haired vagina.
16. Multiple Sessions or One Good Fuck: Multiples please!!! If we can keep the intensity I can go all night long, love it!
17. Moaning or Screaming: Moaning. Screaming brings the cops. I also like to make you moan, makes me know I’m doing a good job. I like vocal sex. Screaming, eh, not so much.
18. Older Men or Young Men: How much older? I don’t want to fuck anyone who could be remotely considered in my father’s cohort. No baby boomers and no one with middle school aged children. I prefer around my age and perhaps slightly older. So older.
19. Three-way or No Way: If I was in control of the entire situation, then yes. I am comfortable with a 3 way. It could include any multiple; I’m just not going to lick someone else’s vagina.
20. Swing or No Swinging: This is a hard one for me, for someone who has never really had success with serious relationships I wonder if I am not supposed to be in them. I look to the next conquest. But if you are my partner, you better keep your dick to yourself or I’m cutting it off. I demand emotional monogamy, and sometimes separating sex from feelings is difficult, this could lead to problems. For the sake of all parties and my sanity, No Swinging.
Now I am going to Tag:
Una Ebria
and Unspeakable Axe , I want to hear a Submissive Male's feelings on this.
Chat exchange and sexual play
NewBoy: you should be loved and treasured...
and fucked savagely
How flipping awesome is that? We had a long conversation last night. Many things came out.
1- he tries to keep me entertained so sometimes he gets a little too snarky when the mood does not call for trash talking.
It truly confused me, I was trying to figure out his take on things. I have skirted around the whole dominance thing with him, but I think with all beginning relationships it requires a nice long talk as to what that means to each person. I like the banter, but I also want to be able to take control without SO much trash talk that I don't feel like I have the upper hand.
Any suggestions?
He also made some comment that he does want me to take control, but I am going to see how that develops, I'm not sure what context he meant it in. Although he did use the word "submit", "control", and "power". Some useful keywords. I'll keep you posted. If anyone knows some beginning games to play and scenes to have, I'm all ears.
and fucked savagely
How flipping awesome is that? We had a long conversation last night. Many things came out.
1- he tries to keep me entertained so sometimes he gets a little too snarky when the mood does not call for trash talking.
It truly confused me, I was trying to figure out his take on things. I have skirted around the whole dominance thing with him, but I think with all beginning relationships it requires a nice long talk as to what that means to each person. I like the banter, but I also want to be able to take control without SO much trash talk that I don't feel like I have the upper hand.
Any suggestions?
He also made some comment that he does want me to take control, but I am going to see how that develops, I'm not sure what context he meant it in. Although he did use the word "submit", "control", and "power". Some useful keywords. I'll keep you posted. If anyone knows some beginning games to play and scenes to have, I'm all ears.
Friday, January 25, 2008
After a Storm, there is a rainbow.
In the past month I have gone through a lot. Thankfully I have been so busy that I really haven’t noticed or have had time to process. I threw myself into work, hobbies and sloughed off my stable. I guess it was my unconscious New Years resolution. I think I needed a serious break to start living my life, I was unconsciously closing myself off I think, or I just wasn’t ready to meet someone special.
I am thoroughly knee deep in serious “like” and it’s rising by the second, I might drown. ;) We’re taking it slow, so no dirty posts for a while (except fantasy and fiction) but I am totally blown away. Is this what it’s supposed to feel like?
He’s in music and I have been trying to get back into it again these days. I was a classical violinist as a child but burnt out after fourteen years of a scheduling that can only be described as grueling. I was being groomed for the biggies, but as a teenager I wanted to experience more than one thing and I rested on my laurels until I finally gave it up. But I am trying to get back and remember what I loved about music to begin with. I know I have said before I love electronic music. Love it. It moves my body and sometimes my soul, I know some people think it’s cheesy and full of losers and druggies but I discovered myself when I discovered house music. I was young, impressionable, sometimes on ecstasy and having a blast. As a musician who loves the power and intensity of symphonic classical music, how could I not fall in love with all the layers of electronic dance music? I could feel through music. Now I want to create that for myself, pull together from all my parts and create something that maybe other people would enjoy just as much. I am a huge fan of dirty, bass thumping on the floor humping nasty lyrics of raw house music, its tough, its fun, it makes me wish I could snarl like Billy idol. Then I like the long trancey progressive sound that’s uplifting, spiritual, and makes you involuntary raise your hands in the air. Sometimes its so good its “oh my fucking god I don’t know if I want to have sex, or cry or dance,” I just feel alive. I want to be able to create that, so I can have something that makes me feel like that. When I want to have those emotions, powerful and floaty, hard core and above it all, sweaty and spiritual, naughty angelic, I can put on something to either bring me back to that on a bad day, or when I am feeling great, make it feel better (if I create this, I will definitely share for all those who like boning to house music).
So back to the story, so he’s in music and he told me he is in the process of actually compiling a mix of all the songs that make him think of me, and by the sounds he usually plays and the person he is, its going to be so spot on.
“I’ll give you that when I’m playing out, you’ll know it’s for you and everyone else just gets to hear it”
Oh my god, where has this one been for so long.
I am thoroughly knee deep in serious “like” and it’s rising by the second, I might drown. ;) We’re taking it slow, so no dirty posts for a while (except fantasy and fiction) but I am totally blown away. Is this what it’s supposed to feel like?
He’s in music and I have been trying to get back into it again these days. I was a classical violinist as a child but burnt out after fourteen years of a scheduling that can only be described as grueling. I was being groomed for the biggies, but as a teenager I wanted to experience more than one thing and I rested on my laurels until I finally gave it up. But I am trying to get back and remember what I loved about music to begin with. I know I have said before I love electronic music. Love it. It moves my body and sometimes my soul, I know some people think it’s cheesy and full of losers and druggies but I discovered myself when I discovered house music. I was young, impressionable, sometimes on ecstasy and having a blast. As a musician who loves the power and intensity of symphonic classical music, how could I not fall in love with all the layers of electronic dance music? I could feel through music. Now I want to create that for myself, pull together from all my parts and create something that maybe other people would enjoy just as much. I am a huge fan of dirty, bass thumping on the floor humping nasty lyrics of raw house music, its tough, its fun, it makes me wish I could snarl like Billy idol. Then I like the long trancey progressive sound that’s uplifting, spiritual, and makes you involuntary raise your hands in the air. Sometimes its so good its “oh my fucking god I don’t know if I want to have sex, or cry or dance,” I just feel alive. I want to be able to create that, so I can have something that makes me feel like that. When I want to have those emotions, powerful and floaty, hard core and above it all, sweaty and spiritual, naughty angelic, I can put on something to either bring me back to that on a bad day, or when I am feeling great, make it feel better (if I create this, I will definitely share for all those who like boning to house music).
So back to the story, so he’s in music and he told me he is in the process of actually compiling a mix of all the songs that make him think of me, and by the sounds he usually plays and the person he is, its going to be so spot on.
“I’ll give you that when I’m playing out, you’ll know it’s for you and everyone else just gets to hear it”
Oh my god, where has this one been for so long.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
When tension leads to orgasm.
It’s going to be slow here at my blogspot, sorry 5 readers. I cut lose MJ and TB stopped talking to me to have a girlfriend (yeah not over that yet) so its all going to be fantasy and conjecture over here.
I project; I do this with all men and all relationships. I see what I want, and then when things settle down and people aren’t on their best dating behavior anymore, I wonder who the hell is this person and why did I let them in my pants?! I jump into sex too quickly because I am a horny mofo, and I am truly deeply in love with courtship. I also find it difficult to control myself once I set my sights on someone, mind you, since I like quirky…this usually ends in extreme disappointment. What I saw as fun when I met them (like let’s say a love of pop culture) turns into a big problem (no job, no direction. Seen every episode of Maury).
There is this boy who I think is cute. We shall call him Fruit (his Halloween costume and our first meeting). Now Fruit has not shown the appropriate level of interest in me. You can tell when someone’s interested and I can’t with him. I think this is just one of those things that once I get him, I’m not going to want him because I am already over critical about his height and his small girly hands. He’s super fun, tells a great story, and generally has a positive attitude, which is really attractive. Because of this: his attitude, his general good looks, and the fact that I think I’m cuter, he should be into me. Which of course, makes me try even harder. He seems fun, and I am in the mood for some fun (i.e. I could possibly play hitty games with him). If sex is fun, I keep you along way past your shelf life too.
This one intrigues me, I always like to see what I can pull off and get away with and he’s playing hard to get. So as circumstances go he wound up back at my place after a night out where we proceeded to play these bizarre I’m going to hang out at your place way too late when I live literally across the hallway. It had to be a sign, right? He doesn’t need to drive home, just take an elevator down 2 flights. But still no direct signals, no unnecessary touching, etc. I was getting frustrated
I leave him on the couch and got ready for bed pissed off and grumbling to myself. He finally wakes up when the TV program he’s watching stops. Now its super late and he finally agrees to come in my bed, don’t do me any 3 am favors. So he finally gets in my bed and I am purposefully sleeping an inch away from his body
Not touching, its driving me crazy, its been awhile since there is been a man in my bed that I wanted and I’m about to snap. And we’re not touching, and I can’t stay still. I writhe close to him a little, and then move away…he adjusts himself, ok so he’s not asleep. Good sign. This continues, I move closer, I move away, he adjusts so the distance is the same again. This went on for maybe five minutes, but it felt like hours. Just the proximity is turning me on. Now, it might have all been me, but the tension was extremely stimulating and infuriating at the same time. But I’m not giving in, he gave no overt sign and I wasn’t going to cave first. He is behind me, and I slowly move back, pressing my backside into him, he’s semi-hard, I smile to myself. Ok, I know how to handle this one, and it’s so easy. I rub slowly into him, to judge exactly what is going on down there; he wraps his hands around me not knowing what to do next. He’s against my back with his dick pressing into me. I don’t touch him though, I have no interest in having sex with him (not anymore, too late for all that energy), I wanted to get off and then go to bed. I had gotten to the point that I had no interest in mutual satisfaction. A wait like that, sheesh! I was getting off thinking about the hard on I wasn’t going to satisfy; and I moaned wrapping one hand around his body and reached for his hand and placed it above my pussy. With his fingers on the outside of my pajama pants I started rubbing up and down, at the same time pressing into his hard on, moving him around my clit, feeling how wet I was, basically masturbating with him, he breathed deeply into my hair and I traced my clit slowly with one of his fingers. I grabbed his hand and pushed it into my pants trying to get them inside of me as fast as I could, of course, he didn’t get it, and tried to take control. Oh no, at this point, your boner and the fact that its almost 4 am gives me permission to get what I want out of this. This is going down my way; I pulled his hand away and wouldn’t move until he stopped. When I replaced his hands he finally got the picture, I wanted it hard and fast and quick. I came around his fingers strong enough to push him out. I sighed gently, removed his hands and moved to my side of the bed. He waited still, wondering what I would do, slowly inching his way over to me placing his dick back into my back urging me, signaling me he was ready for his turn, without turning over I patted his hand three times shimmied out of his grip and went to sleep on my side of the bed. I wonder if this will continue… I need a new playmate.
I project; I do this with all men and all relationships. I see what I want, and then when things settle down and people aren’t on their best dating behavior anymore, I wonder who the hell is this person and why did I let them in my pants?! I jump into sex too quickly because I am a horny mofo, and I am truly deeply in love with courtship. I also find it difficult to control myself once I set my sights on someone, mind you, since I like quirky…this usually ends in extreme disappointment. What I saw as fun when I met them (like let’s say a love of pop culture) turns into a big problem (no job, no direction. Seen every episode of Maury).
There is this boy who I think is cute. We shall call him Fruit (his Halloween costume and our first meeting). Now Fruit has not shown the appropriate level of interest in me. You can tell when someone’s interested and I can’t with him. I think this is just one of those things that once I get him, I’m not going to want him because I am already over critical about his height and his small girly hands. He’s super fun, tells a great story, and generally has a positive attitude, which is really attractive. Because of this: his attitude, his general good looks, and the fact that I think I’m cuter, he should be into me. Which of course, makes me try even harder. He seems fun, and I am in the mood for some fun (i.e. I could possibly play hitty games with him). If sex is fun, I keep you along way past your shelf life too.
This one intrigues me, I always like to see what I can pull off and get away with and he’s playing hard to get. So as circumstances go he wound up back at my place after a night out where we proceeded to play these bizarre I’m going to hang out at your place way too late when I live literally across the hallway. It had to be a sign, right? He doesn’t need to drive home, just take an elevator down 2 flights. But still no direct signals, no unnecessary touching, etc. I was getting frustrated
I leave him on the couch and got ready for bed pissed off and grumbling to myself. He finally wakes up when the TV program he’s watching stops. Now its super late and he finally agrees to come in my bed, don’t do me any 3 am favors. So he finally gets in my bed and I am purposefully sleeping an inch away from his body
Not touching, its driving me crazy, its been awhile since there is been a man in my bed that I wanted and I’m about to snap. And we’re not touching, and I can’t stay still. I writhe close to him a little, and then move away…he adjusts himself, ok so he’s not asleep. Good sign. This continues, I move closer, I move away, he adjusts so the distance is the same again. This went on for maybe five minutes, but it felt like hours. Just the proximity is turning me on. Now, it might have all been me, but the tension was extremely stimulating and infuriating at the same time. But I’m not giving in, he gave no overt sign and I wasn’t going to cave first. He is behind me, and I slowly move back, pressing my backside into him, he’s semi-hard, I smile to myself. Ok, I know how to handle this one, and it’s so easy. I rub slowly into him, to judge exactly what is going on down there; he wraps his hands around me not knowing what to do next. He’s against my back with his dick pressing into me. I don’t touch him though, I have no interest in having sex with him (not anymore, too late for all that energy), I wanted to get off and then go to bed. I had gotten to the point that I had no interest in mutual satisfaction. A wait like that, sheesh! I was getting off thinking about the hard on I wasn’t going to satisfy; and I moaned wrapping one hand around his body and reached for his hand and placed it above my pussy. With his fingers on the outside of my pajama pants I started rubbing up and down, at the same time pressing into his hard on, moving him around my clit, feeling how wet I was, basically masturbating with him, he breathed deeply into my hair and I traced my clit slowly with one of his fingers. I grabbed his hand and pushed it into my pants trying to get them inside of me as fast as I could, of course, he didn’t get it, and tried to take control. Oh no, at this point, your boner and the fact that its almost 4 am gives me permission to get what I want out of this. This is going down my way; I pulled his hand away and wouldn’t move until he stopped. When I replaced his hands he finally got the picture, I wanted it hard and fast and quick. I came around his fingers strong enough to push him out. I sighed gently, removed his hands and moved to my side of the bed. He waited still, wondering what I would do, slowly inching his way over to me placing his dick back into my back urging me, signaling me he was ready for his turn, without turning over I patted his hand three times shimmied out of his grip and went to sleep on my side of the bed. I wonder if this will continue… I need a new playmate.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
A new day and some new questions
With one night behind me, I'm actually feeling better. When I think about it, i still feel like shit, but it also feels kind of freeing and new again. Like the way I look at Monday before I get behind in my work, there is possibility again. I haven't tried truly dating now that I know what I want. Although I feel this might be harder now.
SO besides, tall, dark, handsome, smart, witty, successful I now have to add "want's to get it up the butt by a strap on". (Combined with me wanted to do said activity with said person) This might be difficult.
I also was wondering some logistics- to all the sub men out there and dominant women: How does one hit their partner while having sex with them? Is this a possibility? Do I always have to be on top, is there anyway I can sit back and enjoy the ride and then participate every now and again. There has to be a position to make this possible.
I'm still sad, but whatever...I'm not giving him power over me anymore (I know that sounds weird since he wanted to be my sub, but let's face it, it was true).
SO besides, tall, dark, handsome, smart, witty, successful I now have to add "want's to get it up the butt by a strap on". (Combined with me wanted to do said activity with said person) This might be difficult.
I also was wondering some logistics- to all the sub men out there and dominant women: How does one hit their partner while having sex with them? Is this a possibility? Do I always have to be on top, is there anyway I can sit back and enjoy the ride and then participate every now and again. There has to be a position to make this possible.
I'm still sad, but whatever...I'm not giving him power over me anymore (I know that sounds weird since he wanted to be my sub, but let's face it, it was true).
Monday, January 7, 2008
When every pore of your body feels like shit.
I’m feeling vulnerable right now, vulnerable and sad. It’s just a pain in my chest, like heartburn but way worse. It can’t come out yet, it’s one of those hurts where you bottle it up and it won’t break free until you drink and become a hot mess in public, its one of those kind of hurts. The Boy ended things with me. We’ve known each other for 5 years, and through one girlfriend and he thinks he found girlfriend number two, and that’s not me. Honestly, I was beginning to realize it was never going to be me, but I was sure hoping it would be like a movie, and this was our hurdle to overcome before we kiss and lived happily ever after. And I wonder if a part of why I hold him so dear is that he was able to get me to find out about myself. I have always been a docile lover, nervous and shy aiming to please over what turned me on. I was never comfortable with receiving pleasure, afraid of my own orgasm, what I needed to feel good. It never ended positively, I would feel shitty (rarely come) and they would never deliver the response I wanted. And with him I began exploring and not trying to resist the things that turned me on. I am so much happier and confident sexually than I ever have been, and it feels so good (unfortunately not good enough, I want to be having more dirty fantastic sweaty sex). If it wasn’t for his confiding in me that he wanted me to dominate him (yet again, this hurts SO much, I know his secrets, I know what he wants and she doesn’t! why can’t it be me!!) deep down I was trying to get him to confide all these things because I wanted to be the holder of his dirty secrets. I wanted to be the one who held the key to his possible public humiliation. I wanted that power over him. But he can’t, he doesn’t feel as swept up, he did at a time, but not now. I just think I want to find love, gooey dopey dirty adoration. I was projecting on someone who could give me a mediocre imitation, like shitty nutrasweet when all you want is splenda, but you settle. For all my kinky ways I still wanted romance. I wanted him to look up at me with those large vulnerable expressive green eyes, looking down at that lovely face, so open and beautiful, the face of a boy on the body of a man with his large eyes and full lips, he nervously bites at his bottom lip then licks them and just that small movement makes me shudder. His entire attention is on my body and he almost vibrates with anticipation. I feel tall and commanding and the tension between us is almost suffocating and I’m driving and he’s willingly obliging in such a way that every blink speaks my name and wears my mark. Will I ever be able to look at someone else and see that again?
Thursday, January 3, 2008
The uncomfortable position of real life power dynamics
I’m unsure about posting this situation yet at the same time I need to rid myself of it through prose in order to purge its power over me. It makes me wonder if I give off mixed signals and if this is just one of the dangers and dilemmas of being a woman. Mostly though, it pisses me off!
There is a professor who I worked for before I went back to graduate school. He was a little off, but was always very friendly and generous with his time. I always saw the relationship as something like a mentor/mentee type of thing. Now he is a little odd, socially awkward and nervous, but he has always been pretty kind to me, so I thought that maybe he’s just not used to having students work for him and this is just his bizarre way of engaging in the student/teacher relationship. He doesn’t look like the type that has many people clamoring to work with him. I always thought he was just looking for a young up and comer with strengths that he doesn’t have to explore issues he finds engaging, particularly deviant sexual practices. Apparently I am a bad judge of situations, which does not bode, well for my future career.
So this past weekend we went to dinner, nothing out of the ordinary, shared what has been going on in our lives, work we’re doing. We start talking about BDSM and I explain what I want to write about. How I want to use queer theory to understand the binary of deviant/mainstream sex, what is that boundary and why certain behaviors are considered deviant. We talk about things, and he told me how he has an interest in spanking, I said that that was ok, that what I have been figuring out is that nobody needs to fit into stock images of alternative sexual desires, that it is creative and generative and that I am personally enjoying figuring these things out. So the meal finishes, I say thank you and go to head my way.
He then says, “well I have a proposition, I would invite you back to my apartment but its quite dirty right now, how bout we go to this motel around the corner that rents by the hour and have a scene”. Now at this point I was floored. How do you respond to something like that? Instead of saying I have no interest in engaging in behaviors like that with you because there has to be a level of physical attraction and desire for me to want to engage in any behavior that I find stimulating. This is not about you, and you cannot expect that since you want it and I am studying kinky sex that I want to have kinky sexual activities with you that it will happen. I am an active agent in my own sexual desire and stimulation and spanking a man who is shorter than me and probably in his 60s don’t do it for me. How dare you even conflate my interests, research agendas and personal choices with an interest in you!!
Unfortunately I am not as eloquent or direct, I mumble how I have a busy day and need to get home. What type of response is that? Now I didn’t ask what exactly he wanted, because I didn’t care. But it totally ruins any sort of working relationship we have. I am still haunted with images of his naked ass bent over wanting me to spank him **shudders** Everyone is entitled to their own interests, but just because I have a desire to study something, maybe even a personal interest in its behaviors does NOT mean or give you the right to think that I want to do it with you. Its like saying that a woman in a short skirt asked to be raped, I did not ask for this.
What bothers me the most besides the blatant disrespect of boundaries and social relationships is the fact that he thinks that an interest personally as well as professionally would turn into something sexual and stimulating between the two of us. He’s going to rationalize my response and say that I just don’t have the chops, stones, balls whatever to study something of this nature. And that seriously pisses me off. I fully admit when I think things are over my head, and this is not one of them. My biggest personal as well as professional hurdle, the reason I went into social research is to make myself uncomfortable and always test myself and push myself in situations. And he is going to hit me where it hurts saying that I just couldn’t take it. And how do you tell someone its not the behavior that they want you to participate in, its them? How do you say that without being rude? Its not the activities, I’m not going to put myself in situations that make me feel uncomfortable and you cannot use your power and position to make me feel awkward.
What happens now? I don’t want to bring it up, my friend recommended that I just treat is as if he invited me to go for ice cream afterward and I respectfully declined. I think I am just going to ignore the situation and if he tried to rationalize or discuss it, explain what I explained above, that an interest in behavior does not mean that any partner will do.
There is a professor who I worked for before I went back to graduate school. He was a little off, but was always very friendly and generous with his time. I always saw the relationship as something like a mentor/mentee type of thing. Now he is a little odd, socially awkward and nervous, but he has always been pretty kind to me, so I thought that maybe he’s just not used to having students work for him and this is just his bizarre way of engaging in the student/teacher relationship. He doesn’t look like the type that has many people clamoring to work with him. I always thought he was just looking for a young up and comer with strengths that he doesn’t have to explore issues he finds engaging, particularly deviant sexual practices. Apparently I am a bad judge of situations, which does not bode, well for my future career.
So this past weekend we went to dinner, nothing out of the ordinary, shared what has been going on in our lives, work we’re doing. We start talking about BDSM and I explain what I want to write about. How I want to use queer theory to understand the binary of deviant/mainstream sex, what is that boundary and why certain behaviors are considered deviant. We talk about things, and he told me how he has an interest in spanking, I said that that was ok, that what I have been figuring out is that nobody needs to fit into stock images of alternative sexual desires, that it is creative and generative and that I am personally enjoying figuring these things out. So the meal finishes, I say thank you and go to head my way.
He then says, “well I have a proposition, I would invite you back to my apartment but its quite dirty right now, how bout we go to this motel around the corner that rents by the hour and have a scene”. Now at this point I was floored. How do you respond to something like that? Instead of saying I have no interest in engaging in behaviors like that with you because there has to be a level of physical attraction and desire for me to want to engage in any behavior that I find stimulating. This is not about you, and you cannot expect that since you want it and I am studying kinky sex that I want to have kinky sexual activities with you that it will happen. I am an active agent in my own sexual desire and stimulation and spanking a man who is shorter than me and probably in his 60s don’t do it for me. How dare you even conflate my interests, research agendas and personal choices with an interest in you!!
Unfortunately I am not as eloquent or direct, I mumble how I have a busy day and need to get home. What type of response is that? Now I didn’t ask what exactly he wanted, because I didn’t care. But it totally ruins any sort of working relationship we have. I am still haunted with images of his naked ass bent over wanting me to spank him **shudders** Everyone is entitled to their own interests, but just because I have a desire to study something, maybe even a personal interest in its behaviors does NOT mean or give you the right to think that I want to do it with you. Its like saying that a woman in a short skirt asked to be raped, I did not ask for this.
What bothers me the most besides the blatant disrespect of boundaries and social relationships is the fact that he thinks that an interest personally as well as professionally would turn into something sexual and stimulating between the two of us. He’s going to rationalize my response and say that I just don’t have the chops, stones, balls whatever to study something of this nature. And that seriously pisses me off. I fully admit when I think things are over my head, and this is not one of them. My biggest personal as well as professional hurdle, the reason I went into social research is to make myself uncomfortable and always test myself and push myself in situations. And he is going to hit me where it hurts saying that I just couldn’t take it. And how do you tell someone its not the behavior that they want you to participate in, its them? How do you say that without being rude? Its not the activities, I’m not going to put myself in situations that make me feel uncomfortable and you cannot use your power and position to make me feel awkward.
What happens now? I don’t want to bring it up, my friend recommended that I just treat is as if he invited me to go for ice cream afterward and I respectfully declined. I think I am just going to ignore the situation and if he tried to rationalize or discuss it, explain what I explained above, that an interest in behavior does not mean that any partner will do.
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