NO MORE FANTASY, REALITY!

So this post took a few days of marinating in my mind for me to be able to write it.
I mean, I had to think of the perfect way to introduce this, but it failed me.
I DD IT!
For the first time ever, I hit a man (intentionally and for my pleasure) during a sexual act. And Jesus, it was absolutely- fucking-awe inspiring-fantastic. There are no words to describe the high I got from the brute force of it, as well as the high I got from hearing his response (positive!). I was always worried that I couldn't do it/break out of my shell, /hit someone, and make it seem sexy. I mean I worry that if I slap someone in the face I'll ruin their eardrum and for the rest of their life their balance will be off. But that never happened (yay!!)
So details:
I was away for the weekend, and all this talk with the boy (see previous posts) got me thinking and got me way hot and bothered. And I was wondering, yes I can talk about it (slightly) and yes, I want to do it but CAN I?
I was out, in a new town, surrounded with people who don't know me and I said, why not? This is the perfect time/place to try on my dominant training wheels. I met this guy at a club, absolutely adorable. Tall, built, that perfect combo of skater boy and urban player. I was drunk, so it came easy. I will go into details because I want to relive them again. We shall call him Tom.
So things were looking good, I really got along with him. We had great conversation (that I vaguely remember, see above inebriation comment) and I could tell he was into me so it was green light go! We went from show, to after party, to apparently “make out point”. I fucking kid you not, I made out like a 50s teenage movie star. Annette and me have been to Make Out Point. But it was cute in that “I’m drunk and am going to hit you so I’ll let you take me wherever since things might get hairy anyway” kinda way.
Up on a hill, overlooking the city sitting on a rock (or a precipice...it just sounds funnier) I got violent and FUCKING LOVED IT. There were of course make outs before there always has to be foreplay, and I wanted to see how he felt about the whole “take charge thing”. Because if we remember, even if its vanilla sex I’m having I will no longer allow myself to be put in situations where I feel uncomfortable/pressured into things/uncomfortable positions mind AND body. SO I did it! And it was exhilarating and great, now I can’t take full responsibility, I should be totally honest. I did apologize a few times; I mean, I didn’t know how to proceed. I kept saying sorry (goes back to my constant need for validation) but once I started hearing his moans, and could see that he enjoyed what I was doing I WENT TO TOWN. From now on, I can only date boys who have enough hair that I can get a nice good grip. I grabbed hair; I pulled, (awesome). I pulled him towards me, I pulled him away from me (I took a page out of DevastatingYet’s book with her love of Jos’ collar) I dragged that boy around by his hair. And when I wasn’t bending him to my will I was steadying his face so I could smack him (delicious, that sound!!!!) There was a point when (mind the graphic nature, small children look away) when he was fingering me (there is just no nice way to say that) while I was holding myself upright (yes, we were both standing) by pulling on his hair with his head facing up while I was biting his neck to hold on (I’m sure I left a mark). This is of course when he decided to just slightly mention that he had a condom. Sorry folks, I was on a precipice, not gonna happen, which is exactly what I told him. So he tried to get me down on my back, which of course did not lead to sex, but more face slapping, and me asking for him to beg for it (which he did). But there was no orgasm in his future (this one was about me testing my limits, in a bed, and comfy and in a house maybe… with twigs in my back and his shirt under my ass…. not so much). I don’t remember if I came (read: drunk) but I am super psyched I tried this. Now I know I can’t expect every boy to enjoy this that I drag/bring home from the club, but it’s a good place to start and good to know that maybe I don’t need to look to the RPG/DD playing nerds for a little bdsm luvin. Now can I turn some Abercrombie models? That’s who I want to hit and tie up… or maybe there is a part II of this story, Tom is moving away, but I am wiling and able for round II as long as he expects/can handle more of the same.

For what happened INSIDE tom’s car while I was playing on the precipice getting my sadistic rocks off check some of the other blogs I check, it won’t be hard, you don’t need to be Columbo.

New Tagline

I just changed my tag line. I'm not "coming to terms" with anything. That just sounds like I have some sort of disease I need to accept and move on from. So, it needed to go; I am a fresh faced newbie that wants to find cute hot verile sexy ass men who get off on letting me be violent and slightly sadistic (insert evil laugh) during acts of foreplay and sex.

Update

So, I have a lot to share but for the sake of continuity I will go in order and give you guys the scandalous post next. SO; update on boy.

He responded to that email in one sentence. He liked the orgasm control stuff but 1- did not comment on any of the other things 2- actually didn't accomplish the no orgasm rule, and then told me about it.

I did not like either of those repsones.

then he called and we talked, and he said the e-mail overwhelmed him, and he doesn't know what to do about us. That if we lived in the same place he would like to do these things but that I demand a lot from him and he doesn't want to dissapoint.
To which I said
1- doing this long distance allows us to epxlore our fantasies in a non judgemental non realistic environment that I think allows for more openness. If someone has a problem or gets weirded out, it all existed over the phone or through email and therefore can easily be fixed and discussed in a fashion that I feel comfortable exploring without any negative consequences of too serious emotions or hearbreak (I know I will be proved wrong on this)
2- I know I overwhelm him, I overwhelm myself, I get caught up in life and fling myself at it full force, it's hard for anyone to deal with that, especially a boy who is confused with life,himself and his sexuality. But that's why we work.
3- he could never dissapoint me (Well that is totally untrue) but as long as we talk about our actions and their consequences and don't get all passive aggressive I don't see how he could dissapoint me in the way he talks about it.

so any thoughts on how to do this long distance?
I'm thinking that we need to have some sort of schedule, and that part of his submission NEEDS to be understanding my emotional needs and meeting those. And that is what I was trying to convey, I hope it got through.

Stepping off into oblivion (inclinations towards melodrama)

so before I share the email exchange I am beginning with the demoted boy, I thought I would say first, Props to me for being a posting fiend! Secondly, I still don't know if I am going to tell him about this blog, I'm not ready to share yet.

so here is the edited version of my fall into the abyss. I call it that because he's my first. The first boy I have ever said I love you to (he said it first, and it wasn't during sex so therefore it counts), the first person I really talked to even before we decided (well HE decided, he brought it up). so therefore this is super hard, and it might not end well (odds are against it). but thats ok, because I will always look back fondly, and this might just be a stepping stone for both of us, who knows. so here it goes.

*****
I had fun talking to you, you’re fun, I like the things we talk about. I like talking about these things with you. So I was thinking since Im **(insert your own adjective), I’m going to think too much. I am going to make some demands. This will help me get comfortable in expressing myself and being the dominant woman of (apparently) both of our fantasies.
for me to feel like I can dominate, I need to feel less out of control and more secure. Lets take this one step at a time and one emotion at a time. (if you want me to be blunt here, lets not get bogged down in relationship talk, lets just talk) Because I want to do this, and it might get intense, and we have to be able to talk about our fantasies, not feel judged, and then talk about how things worked out after. Sound good? So therefore, I need to be able to make demands on you, I will try to make them reasonable demands, like I might whine for you to come visit, and try to demand too much of your time but those are decisions you have to make on your own and that’s not the control I want to have. I will only make demands that are in reach, like…I want to try this no masturbation thing, I want to see how long you can go, I want you to have to ask, and I want to be able to say no, and I want you to then come for me, BY me. (well with my help, I don’t live close enough nearby for that to totally work, but next time we see each other that can be a great way to start). Make sense?
grar, this is hard for me too

**********

i will keep you posted.

The things I worry about

Ok So dear three readers, I thought I would wine some more and then I promise I will post some smut. I have enough compiling that I can really titillate now. So as I've said earlier this is all very new to me. I discovered this desire because of since demoted boy and have not really had the opportunity to explore these things outside of my fantasies with said boy. (I don't even know yet if this is something I only feel for him) But these things turn me on. To quote a fellow blogger devastatingyet:
http://devastatingyet.wordpress.com/

"Having Joscelin display ultimate submission to me is not my overarching goal. My overarching goal is having us both be happy, fulfilled, and having a good time. And the truth is, his ultimate submission is not even, for me, the goal of our d/s.
Why do I do d/s with him? I think there are two things I really enjoy about it, to wit,
I get to get what I want, be served, exert control, mold him to my will, etc., and
He displays submissive feelings that I find unspeakably delicious."

I agree and couldn't have said it better, so I just cut and pasted it. But I worry, as much as he worries that he is "weird" I worry that he will think I'm weird, that I will let someone see me so exposed and vulnerable to explore with them fantasies I have about hitting them (I mean, come on...what Disney Princess wants to do that, and we all know I aspire to be what my 5 yr old self thought life was like) But that’s what I worry about, because I worry that he wants to get off on being hit, and I want to get off on the power, on that rush. He wants the physicality and the image of domination that he sees in popular media, and I want him to turn over his squishy center demand being loved on my terms. Is that weird? Is this doomed? Are we looking for two different things, and most importantly can we find each other in the middle? Grar

The Golden Compass

Ok, so last year I came across the best books ever. If you have ever liked the Narnia series but were slightly miffed with all the God and Jesus references and overtones, check out Philip Pullman's "His Dark Materials" series. I give you until Dec when the first movie comes out to catch up.
Here is my deamon. Basically, in the books: your soul lives outside your body in animal form, and the animal form says something about you.

here is mine!

The pickup artist, or the archtype of the Disney Villainess (me)

So 3 readers, has anyone seen this show on VH1 called the pickup artist? I am sad to say, SO sad to say that that shows has my fucking number. Women, go watch that show and tell me he doesn’t. He deconstructed how to make us weak and marketed it to losers. What a genius. He’s a weird looking dude, but just looking at him I can tell he’s the kind of man who would let me pull his hair while I sat in his lap and make him tell me all those naughty things he wants me to do, he pleads… oh the games would begin… And he’s not my type! And the lines he tells these guys are horrendous, actually think he’s kind of revolting in an aging Tommy Lee sort of way, but it makes sense! He knows how to keep himself interesting at every stage of the pickup, therefore you aren’t really looking around. I can see how his system works, and he would grow on you. He can understands your fantasies and the exact way to manipulate them. Jesus Christ I want that talent, just think of the power dynamic in that foreplay, actually playing cat and mouse in the beginning…phew. I would walk around Oozing sex if I was him, and that fellow readers (Watchers) is how he does it. A true dominant, he is dominant in life, like an actual dog, he can lead a pack. I envy his talent, and the trail of heartbreak he probably leaves behind. He knows how to read all our fantasies, and that’s why he’s all of our kryptonite. To be that gifted at manipulating a man, I get turned on just to think about it.
I need to go hit someone and cackle, please excuse me.

WTF?

I just wanted to comment on that picture, because the more I stare at it, the more it freaks me out. Is that woman looking at DaVinci's drawings of a man, or bondage, and what is she going to do with all those dildos? Best story and creative submission wins a biscuit.
Also, I don't enjoy that that website all the archtypes of female sexuality, not one of the drawings represents a woman of color. What if you're a black bottom? or a hispanic romantic? where are THOSE women?

In life as in sex..

I took this quiz to see what my erotic personality is, turns out I got "the student". I think its accurate. Take the test and let me know what YOU get.

I took Sage Vivant's Erotic Personality Quiz and discovered I'm a Student!

What is your Erotic Personality? Find out now..

Coming out of my Kinky Closet

Ok dear 3 readers, I'm going to do something I haven't done yet on this blog. It's a big vulnerable step, but I feel if I ever want someone to actually PARTICIPATE in the sex I want I need to be able to get it out there and talk about it, the particulars and be able to actually say the uncomfortable word that is pussy. Women are taught not to be sexual beings so this is a hard one, especially when the things that get you excited are considered something of a taboo. If I ever want to be the dominant woman of a hot subs' fantasy, I need to be the dominant woman for myself and my fantasies. Expose myself! Come out of my kinky closet. Time to woman up in the name of the/my female orgasm!

Its a dam shame that the boy (still demoted) was the one who brought me to actually let myself think about the things that turn ME on instead of all those fucktards I used to make out with. LIke I said, my douchebag quotient is supremely high (i think its because I want to conquer the unconquerable, they are a notch in my belt just as much as I am in theirs) but they are always dissapointing. Like I have said previously, I am DONE with the uncomfortable blow jobs and inconsiderate sexual partners.
Now i get to think about sex that turns ME on. and don't let me fool you, I've had good sex, but its so few and far between.
THINGS I LIKE: I like new things, I like to explore, it always needs to be fun and serious at the same time, thats what gets me wet. I like being coy, and I like being direct, I like laughing during sex and I like hitting you too. I get turned on by men tied up, and I get turned on by the vulnerable moments.
I want to hit you because i want to see your anticipation, and those fucking adorable puppy dog eyes that make me melt (this can be expanded to all guys, i love expressive eyes, i only sleep with people with gorgeous eyes, but the boy, his take the cake for that vulnerable male goopiness that just makes my belly flop, maybe a post just on eyes to come)
is it getting hot in here?
I like looking pretty, for myself, i want you to acknowledge this and find it dead sexy, i wear hot shoes because they make me feel ten fucking feet tall, i like HIM in leather and rope and handcuffs and expensive looking suits, and plain white tee shirts and jeans, and for some reason i have this thing for a zorro mask, oh and dont forget after playing sports when they are hyped up on man on man physical contact. I love the tension the cat and mouse game, i like to wrestle and to play games, and to kick too close to your balls, i like to giggle and i like to hold you down and make you tell me you want me to hit you, it turns me on, I like seeing my small hands next to your big ole man hand and knowing what they can do to your big ole man body.I want you to ask if you can come, and be denied until I'm ready to GIVE that to you. I want to be on top of you and (hopefully) tell you what i want you to do, and expect for you to be impish and break the rules a few times just for my pleasure. I want you to lick my pussy (something i cant say still) and do it right, gentle in the beginning and then hard to make me come. I totally lost my train of thought, but thats what I like, i like when someone tells me i'm beautiful (but not to the point that i feel like i'm being stalked)
I want to be your pleasure AND your pain. I want to kiss the wounds we made together, i want you to cry and i want you to come and I want you to know that it was all because i pushed you to your limits in some sort of capacity. And most of all, I want you to play, I want you (oh mysterious nonexistant partner) to enjoy playing games because you find them just as erotic as I do.
So these are the things I like,
I also would like some more readers, so i think I'm going to start posting some of these "fantasies" in more detail.

A look back

I LOVE pinup culture, love it. I think it was the heyday of true femininity, yet so obviously feminist. They were adorable, and coy and incredibly ironic. the perfect mix of feminine wiles with oozing sex appeal. I love the clothes and the attitude. Tons of red lips and curled hair. It looks like so much work, so mich prepping, how did people ever get work done when they had to spend that much time on their hair?! But it is fantastic, when women were seen as gorgeous because they had curves, not that waiflike prepubescent nonsense. Just give me one Jean Harlow over these skinny actresses now.
Vargas girls were just sexy enough to be naughty but nothing too risque. The pictures of Betty Paige are fantastic, she makes all that bondage look so innocent and real. No air brushing, just real women doing naughty things looking like women. There is a sense of vulnerability and innocence, even though its sex appeal is so obvious! If I can be anything in my life I would dream to be a Marilyn, Jane, Betty, Jean, Briggite, or a Mae.

Take this quiz:
I got betty paige and could not be happier.
http://www.blogthings.com/whatfamouspinupareyouquiz/


and check this out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pin-up_girl