Saturday, July 28, 2007

Friday (getting) off

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Friday, July 27, 2007

My First Impression

So when boyfriend told me this, my first thought was...um. Yeah that about summed it all up. The world-traveler, liberal feminist in me was like ok; don't dismiss this that quickly, ask more questions find out what he means and what this means. The suburban daddy's girl who was brought up with a catholic mother thought....eeeeeewww!
So that was my first introduction to the world of BDSM, and mind you, this is coming from a man, correction a boy whose only knowledge is his one time experience with a professional dominatrix and internet porn and wikipedia; not all credible sources. I will delve into his knowledge at another time, this blog is about me. SO, anyhow, tangent aside; all that was running through my mind was these amazonian women in harsh PVC ensembles forcing my adorable little boyfriend to do things that I couldn't even fathom, like lick their boots (why?) and tie him to things (potential) and hit him (didn't really get it). But since I think this boy is the bees knees, i went with it...and that brought a whole slew of problems for us; he thought I wasn't doing it for myself but was playing along because i wanted to please him (slightly true), but he also couldn't handle the honesty and the reality of the fact that he wanted to submit and be brought down by me. (He's one of those crazy alpha males in life, loves sports, plays the roughest ones, etc but very quiet and actually very tender)
BUT; what kept me in it and still does while I think through what I like (the bondage stuff is a real trip, and a little pain isnt bad, etc) and what I don't like (I'm not a fan of these archetypical female characters like the school matron who feminizes, or the godess who demands diety worship, etc. or a lot of the accessories, I like costumes and I like clothes and shoes, but all the weird leather and metal shit freaks me out, i don't like ball gags, or strap ons, there is nothing appealing in their asthetic representation) I get off on the power, its a rush. To see his big blue eyes look up at me with this vulnerability and absolute blind worship, it's a fucking trip. I like the coddling at the end, the holding of his head, I like him curling up in my arms even though he's almost twice the size of me, I like watching him not know what's coming next but willing to follow even though it might hurt (and how much pain can i really inflict?)
so while my first impression was slightly comic book like, i think I can make this work for me. But I still am not a big fan of established "fetish" scenes, too focused on accessories and "looking the part" and that look just happens to be a cross between victorian vampire erotica and school shooting head case, both of which don't do it for me.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

How this all started...

So I guess I will have to provide some background info, so boyfriend and I went to college together, after school he moved (for work) to London and I moved to the city (for school). We were friends in college, and hooked up occasionally, nothing too serious although looking back he was my favorite. (I have a slight problem with liking and giving in to douchebags, he was probably one of the non-douchebags i made out with in college, and sadly there were only a few of those; another day another post). We kept in touch and I heard through the grapevine he was dating someone (ick), this lasted for awhile then he was able to split his time between the city and London so we started seeing more of each other (girlfriend has since gone). Mind you its been like YEEEAARS now, so we've both grown up a lot since then (especially me, i was such a chicken head, but still have intimacy issues, from said douchebags). And one drunken night while we're in my apartment drinking a bottle of red wine and snuggling, he says 'I haven't mentioned this to anyone, but i want to tell you' and of course my mind starts racing, oh jesus what is he going to tell me. " I went to a dominatrix when I was living in London". and so begins our discussion and my exploration...

Things you won't find on this blog

My privacy is very important to me, so I will never divulge specific or personal information. I live in a moderate city and am currently in a relationship with someone who I will only describe as "boyfriend", he splits his time between the town we live in and London. (He's American, but his job has him overseas a lot since the main office of where he works is located in, you guessed it London). I have a job, you don't need to know the details, but it allows me a lot of autonomy and flexibilty (I am not a prostitute or a paid mistress) I am a young 25 year old gal, and have no issues at work or in my personal relationships with asserting myself. Like all women, I have had confidence issues, but after many years of stupid behavior and dating douchebags I have finally become comfortable in my skin, although there are times when I backpeddle (not everyone can feel beautiful and confident all the time). I think this originally excited me because I get to be in my fantasies the woman I would like to be in my daily life; in control, yet calm and confident. (not to mention I get to wear and my boyfriend likes when I spend money on utterly useless shoes and undergarments). how many guys you know support your corset and shoe fetish?

Begining

So I thought I would start this blog so i have an outlet for my thoughts as I go through this process. As the eternal nerd that I am, when a boyfriend mentioned his desire to be dominated, I of course turned to the internet and amazon.com for some reading material. This blog will chronicle my journey (and I guess his) to be the strong female he wants me to be, as well as the strong female that I have discovered I want to be too.