Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Something to groove to

This is how I heal my hurts

And for the kickass music video that won't let me embed.


I am not as smart as I seem. A lesson

I have to work at building intimacy; it’s kind of hard to realize that. It takes years to develop a rapport with someone to the point that you can share certain things with them. But I feel, after having a conversation with a friend of mine that maybe I didn’t do a good enough job creating a safe space.
It’s so amazing when you have a conversation with someone and it totally clicks that you have been doing things all wrong. I demand utter compliance yet I never make it clear that I will not throw it back in your face and make you truly face humiliation by exposing you in a way that is unsafe and awful. How did this escape me? It is way too much to demand from someone submission without making them feel comfortable with their wants and need to submit, and I apologize. I cannot put all the blame on my last boyfriends[fuck buddies/lovers] because I never allowed myself to really take on that responsibility and let them be. Will this help my new relationship, let’s hope so. But I also feel that too much talk scares guys away. These things are more than just kinky sex, its feelings, its emotions, its knowing that when someone says they have a fantasy of being fucked in the ass with a strap on that you won’t laugh at them (too much) or tell all their friends. And while I feel I wouldn’t betray that, I never explicitly said, this is a safe space where there is nothing you can do or say that will make me think less of you.
I didn’t do that with TB (the boy) and I demanded that level with the Music Man, but never provided that cushion.
With TB, it was different. It was new to me, and I was worried enough trying to keep up with him and his fantasies that I’m sure my responses could have been better. But while my reaction might not be what you want, I am willing to look into it and not judge you. We never spoke about that though, and that is where we failed. I tried to talk, but whenever we did, it turned into a hurt feelings discussion about how I wanted more from him in order for me to continue, not I need to give first and welcome him into my arms.
Communication is so key to all this, yet so freaking hard to get over that hurdle of propriety and possible soul crushing hurt, I feel this is harder than any of the weird kinky shit. I need to openly and without expectation be able to create a safe space and bring my walls down a little and let you feel comfortable in order to make us both feel better and move forward. There was never malice or deceit behind my inability to do this, just self-preservation and a little innocent ignorance.

Monday, December 8, 2008

The training of a top or finally learning how to do this shiz.

I think I also found the website I need to buy. I don’t want to be that person who purchases porn, it seems so dirty, but I think it would help me become the sexual person I want to be. I like men in pain, but no offense, those guys are not hot and I want to see how it’s actually done. I need to know some ground rules and templates to follow. I need to see the process. How do you begin? How do I go from having sex to wanting them to crawl to me from across the room, to I want you to crawl to me across the room while your hands are tied behind your back and you are telling me you will do anything, even let me hurt you. How can I get to the point of hitting someone so I can feel their body cringe? How do I become the person that asks for such things, Jesus? I can get drunk and hitty sometimes, and giggle them away, but how do you truly with two consenting people attempt to have an intenser than normal orgasm, its my job to make sure this works, how do I do that? I found some of that in the training of O website part of Kink.
I decided I was going to buy some of their movies, you don’t need a subscription, you can pay as you go! I finally have a sex partner that has the possibility of lasting more than a few weeks and I want to go into this as informed as possible. I need to figure out how to fucking do this and there is no good porn for me with hot men that I want to see naked. I don’t want to see cocks squeezed to the point that they don’t look like penises anymore, I want to see some of the routine and practice of sexual domination. I need to see some of these interactions because honestly, how do you do this seriously?

* Side note: stupid kink.com does not take AmEx, I continue to flounder.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Giving Thanks

Ok, so I am enjoying becoming an adult. I think I am good at it. I started this blog to work through sexual issues and I think I am going to move into working through issues in general. I don’t want to limit myself to only sexual self-discovery. It doesn’t mean I don’t have bouts of insecurity or doubt or worry about who I am, my life choices and my place in this large world. But I find that at the right time in my life certain things cross my path to help me work through things. For instance, I am reading Cornel West right now to try to figure out general dissertation problems. It’s helping, not necessarily the meat and potatoes of my grand opus, but its really helping me think through my process of lifelong learning.
“I have never aspired to be a professional academic or scholar. Instead, I have tried to be a man of letters In love with ideas in order to be a wiser and more loving person, hoping to leave the world just a little better than I found it. I take great delight in the free play of the mind, and I believe intellectual work is indespebable for social change…So I speak of my intellectual work and life as a calling, not a career; a vocation, not a profession.
George Yancy. African-American Philosophers: 17 Conversations.

I loved this quote. It hit on the head how I approach everything I do and how I deconstruct and analyze myself and the world around me. Sometimes this blog can be salacious, but I hope that with my openness and candid discussions of sexuality I can hopefully encourage others to explore their own thereby widening the possibilities for thought, desire and human interaction. A lofty goal indeed, but if it fails, at least I learn more about myself.

I give thanks to my family for allowing me to be an explorer and not a drone, to question authority and the institutions and structures that lull us into complicity. While we all fall into its trappings, sometimes its best just to be aware.

So what I am struggling with right now is a few things.
1- focus: I have none. I can’t focus on a single task for more than 20 minutes. I don’t think I have an actual attention disorder, I just have not trained myself to work constructively. Will have to work on this. I need to stop checking Perez Hilton, the LOL cats and Huffington Post constantly.
2- Calmness and neediness when concerned with my new man: I am needy and he is aloof. I need to be better and discussing my concerns and feelings without coming across as a crazy person. I have never really had a serious relationship, which I think is probably a red flag for any new suitor and I don’t want to scare him by bringing up my issues. But I want him to be more attentive. All my friends say this comes with time. I want to be open with him and discuss my feelings and all those itchy sweater emotions that I hate bringing up, but I don’t know how to start. All I want is like 10% more from him. It’s not that he doesn’t like me or doesn’t want to spend time with me. But in my insecurity I always feel like I am filling the silences, making the plans and generally forcing things forward because I fear he won’t. How does one get over this nasty habit thereby allowing him to take some control and lessening my neediness in return? Sheeesh.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Giving head, more specifically sucking my new man's dick.

So I gave the best blowjob of my life, I really like this new guy. I still have not found something I dislike. He’s a man, which is a new avenue for me. Like bill paying, home owning, responsible mild-mannered man. I told him I want more dirty talk, the response “But I’m not that good at it”. Ok, that got me wet right away. Something to work on with him! It got to the point that I kept telling him he needed to narrate what was going on, it was hard for him, but so sexy to watch him strain for words and try to say them without blushing. Ok, I can’t continue because I’m at work.
I love cock, I seriously do. I have always enjoyed giving head. Big penis, small penises: penis. I get off on giving head, I love to look up at a man, drunk with lust, as I give him large doe eyes while my mouth is full of cock, his cock. It makes me smirk. I think I get more turned on by giving head than receiving it. And new guy who I think I am going to call Clark Kent, wow I love the faces he makes. He opens his mouth so slightly and it’s so hot. I am obsessed with mouths. I love watching them do things. I love watching his do things. Watching him slowly circle my nipple, ugh. I want to take a picture, keep that image. Being able to watch his mouth strain is just as enticing as watching it say dirty words. Ok yet again, need to move on, am at work.
He sat on the couch and I was in between his legs (sorry roomie, I promise that I will leave the house long enough so you can have dirty time in the living room too) Great position, I was able to watch him the entire time. The eye contact was seriously intense. He had a stiff neck, from no joke, a reading injury. (Honestly, how cute is that?)
Watching him watch me was intense. He kept his mouth slightly open and the level of interest and single-minded focus was super hot. And I teased the shit out of him. Looking up at him with his cock in my mouth, honestly I cannot think of anything hotter (given time, probably, but too focused on super sexy blow job). Big blue eyes looking up at you while I smile around your dick, slowly biting just so you can see my teeth on that sensitive skin. I even threw in a Sarah Palin wink, which sent us both laughing. Sex should always have comic relief. If you can laugh with a dick in your mouth, you won’t feel so embarrassed when something goes wrong, (and it always will; a large fart/qweif/knee in wrong place/fall of bed, etc). Sometimes it’s always good to go to the tried and true sexual mores and a good blowjob is one of them. You gotta get into it or its just not the same, I always bring my A game when I suck dick, and this time was no different. But there was just this added level of electricity; I was feeding off his response. I felt parasitic; I don’t know how else to describe it. I kept my mouth open a lot so he can watch his cock go in and out. And of course, being a guy, he enjoyed just watching his cock hit the side of my cheek before I would swirl my tongue over and without hands trace the head then suck it into my mouth. It was so pornographic.
I can do all these fun things with his penis and not feel like I’m going to choke. I can deep throat it and with the back of my throat massage the head. Just the level of dirtiness and intensity took it over the edge for both of us. The eye contact that only broke when I had to get serious, but being the tease I am, I just kept bringing him to the edge then bringing him back down. I kept on correcting his posture too. He kept slipping down the couch, getting really excited and moving lower. But it would make keeping eye contact difficult. So I would stop, slowing run my nails down his side and make him fix his position. I was so turned on. I love sucking cock, and his is the perfect size and his responses are addictive, sex with him has the possibility of being like a drug.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

New Boy and a self discovery

I learned a few new things about myself and perhaps my kink today. I find it incredibly awesome to be able to document these discoveries even though I have no interest to revisit past posts. That would be too embarrassing.
So I’ve been dating this new guy for a while now and I don’t see any visible red flags. And “a while” for me, is like a month. Even my grandmother said, [said in Jewish voice similar to mother from The Nanny] “if he makes it four months, then I will start asking questions about him”. Mind you she also told me to be a lady in public and a whore in the bedroom, if anyone was wondering where I get it from.
I discovered I have a label for one of the things that excite me. I like to date archetypes. Even if you are not one, I am going to create one for you. Not to say I want one-dimensional people, but I am going to tailor my dominance to your particular personality and run with it. Por ejemplo:

This new guy is older, silver haired, super tall and incredibly well mannered and quiet. He doesn’t play sports, he rides his bike to work, actively tries to lower his carbon footprint, liberal. He is definitely masculine since he’s so tall and therefore screams man, but he is a mild mannered Clark Kent. A modern heterosexual white liberal librarian San Francisco like Clark. He has this bouncy walk that makes him look like he is bobbing in time to the reggae band only he can hear. It’s very endearing and very calming. He also has this lovely lilt to the ends of his sentences, something slightly sarcastic but too darn nice and polite to fully get gruff. Like his momma raised him right.
I want to watch his mouth say super dirty words because I know it doesn’t do that often. I want him to kneel for me because I want to dwarf his large 6’6” size. He moans a lot, and super loud too which I definitely enjoy. I like a responsive lover that way you know what works and what doesn’t. But I want to turn those moans into verbalizations. I want to see his mouth say the word cunt. I am not that interested in hitting him (yet), I just want to see him move, crawl, struggle, etc. I am obsessed with his size and his mild mannered voice.

So I realized another layer of what turns me on. What I want to see in each person is totally different. One fetish is not going to translate to another person. I wanted The Boy in a soft leather brown suede collar with his name burned into the flesh, I want his little boy eyes and soft lips to look up at me and I wanted to hold his head and pet when I hurt him. I know he likes pain and I wanted him to give that to me unwavering. I want(ed?) to see how far he would really let me go, how far can I play.
My excitement comes from play I like to see men quiver; I want to control the rules. I will use you as a template, but ultimately I want to see how far I can go and that changes with each person and their distinct qualities that turn me on.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Dating disasters by M. Leah.

Date 1: I met him on the Internet at one of those dating sites. I hate the fact that I have to turn to those. But in this busy world where I would still like to get laid and maybe find a partner, you have to suck it up.
This guy’s profile seemed great. I have a rule for on-line dating. You have to be strict, no pleasantries I might be suckered into at a bar. I will only look at profiles of college-educated people who are over 5’8” at least. I will look, but if I don’t think I could kiss you, let alone fuck you, why bother with the fake pleasantries of a person-to-person meet and greet.
So back to Date 1: He seemed nice enough, taller than 6 feet, well educated. He had a degree in writing and took a job with The Man to pay the bills. I had visions of us drinking red wine and talking about public intellectuals and literary theory, of course wearing black possibly in berets. Then we met. First impression not so bad, he was tall and not that bad looking. He had nervous small hands, but I can overlook that if he was a good conversationalist. Rule 1 of the first date: always have good posture; it’s the first thing people notice subconsciously. His was all wrong. He then orders something off the menu and complains about how he can’t handle too many flavors, spices upset his stomach. Ok, not good either. I will eat anything, at least once. And the spicier the better. I keep a bottle of Franks Hot Sauce on hand all the time; like those fat ladies who keep Ranch dressing in their bags. After telling me about his intestinal problems, he spends the entire conversation talking about his job, how he hates it, why he hates it, his boss and how he might get fired. I am your first date, not your mother; do not complain to me. Date ended, he e-mailed me an article he wrote, the one thing he has gotten published (I really shouldn’t judge, I have no publications, not even the internet, if you don’t count my self aggrandizing blog). But the writing was flat and overly metaphoric. Since I do not see myself ever getting naked with this guy, I move on.

Date 2: I will title him, the Iron Man. I met him out at a bar when we were both traveling, turned out we both live in the same town. He was very cute. Blonde, blue eyed well built. A little on the short side, but I could see myself making out with him so I said why not. We went on two dates, and then it ended. He was very nice, but that was it. No other side, just nice. He works out…for fun! Who are these people?!! Nice guy, but he might have been a Republican, and the older I get, the more set I am in my liberal commie Arugula eating elitist academic ways. I need someone with an edge. Like comic books, great! Had a drug problem that you got over, even better! (Example, The Boy once started a conversation with…”so I’ve been getting really into fascism lately..”) I need someone who can bring something more than a stable job and a nice personality to the table. I can also not get behind your workout ethic. I am inherently lazy and need someone who can appreciate that. I set him up with my friend Sally. I thought it would work. They both like the gym, they both enjoy being social and going out, but neither one of them has a super edge. Which is fine, not all people have to, or do, or want to.

Date 3: Another Internet doozy. If you are going on a first date, remember to look your best. That means, groom yourself. Do not go on a first date when you obviously need a haircut. This boy was very nice, yet again, kiss of death: nice. He had an abnormally large head, and his shaggy fluffy hair that needed cutting wasn’t diverting attention away from his large melon. He also said he didn’t want to go anywhere that had “weird” foods like Indian, because its “weird” and he doesn’t like it. Strike one. I love “weird” food. I love new tastes, and I especially love Indian food. It is not weird, it just uses spices that are not salt or McCormick blends. Nice enough, no spark. He was looking for stable and nice, I am looking for life long learners and adventurers. If you can’t be adventurous in your culinary choices, I do not expect you to be able to get out of your comfort zone in other areas. I want you to be ok when I make you crawl to me so I can hit you. If you cant be food adventurous, you will never be sex adventurous (well, maybe it’s a leap; but it’s one I made and one I realize I demand. Food, Sex and Life explorers)

Date 4: We will call him GI Joe. I don’t even know where to begin with this one. He seemed ok. Another Internet date, blech. Looks aside, I can’t even call this one nice. This one is pure asshole. We went to dinner, nice place; he doesn’t eat. He has been watching football and drinking and eating so he’s not hungry. Now I go to school for a living, I am a student for a job. You cannot regale me with stories about how you never went to class in undergrad or law school. I never went to class that often either in undergrad, but I am choosing school as a job, I don’t find it attractive and am kind of embarrassed by my lackluster college performance. I am a nerd for hire. I don’t hear anything from him for around 2 weeks, and then get this serious of text messages one Sunday night:

Text 1: Just had a thought about you
Me: I hope it was a good thought J
Text 2: very nice thoughts, I want you to come over for starters…
Text 3: I wanna dim the lights, lay you down and take all ur clothes off

Um, we do not have that sort of relationship. I didn’t even kiss you with tongue after our date, why would you think this is acceptable?

This just represents the trials and travails of a late 20s single woman trying to find sex and possibly love. It’s a hard world out there for the jaded 20-something who just wants to get fucked right and maybe some intimacy.

I did meet someone I did like, but he gets his own post, maybe even a starring role. ;)