This is how I heal my hurts
And for the kickass music video that won't let me embed.
Link
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I am not as smart as I seem. A lesson
I have to work at building intimacy; it’s kind of hard to realize that. It takes years to develop a rapport with someone to the point that you can share certain things with them. But I feel, after having a conversation with a friend of mine that maybe I didn’t do a good enough job creating a safe space.
It’s so amazing when you have a conversation with someone and it totally clicks that you have been doing things all wrong. I demand utter compliance yet I never make it clear that I will not throw it back in your face and make you truly face humiliation by exposing you in a way that is unsafe and awful. How did this escape me? It is way too much to demand from someone submission without making them feel comfortable with their wants and need to submit, and I apologize. I cannot put all the blame on my last boyfriends[fuck buddies/lovers] because I never allowed myself to really take on that responsibility and let them be. Will this help my new relationship, let’s hope so. But I also feel that too much talk scares guys away. These things are more than just kinky sex, its feelings, its emotions, its knowing that when someone says they have a fantasy of being fucked in the ass with a strap on that you won’t laugh at them (too much) or tell all their friends. And while I feel I wouldn’t betray that, I never explicitly said, this is a safe space where there is nothing you can do or say that will make me think less of you.
I didn’t do that with TB (the boy) and I demanded that level with the Music Man, but never provided that cushion.
With TB, it was different. It was new to me, and I was worried enough trying to keep up with him and his fantasies that I’m sure my responses could have been better. But while my reaction might not be what you want, I am willing to look into it and not judge you. We never spoke about that though, and that is where we failed. I tried to talk, but whenever we did, it turned into a hurt feelings discussion about how I wanted more from him in order for me to continue, not I need to give first and welcome him into my arms.
Communication is so key to all this, yet so freaking hard to get over that hurdle of propriety and possible soul crushing hurt, I feel this is harder than any of the weird kinky shit. I need to openly and without expectation be able to create a safe space and bring my walls down a little and let you feel comfortable in order to make us both feel better and move forward. There was never malice or deceit behind my inability to do this, just self-preservation and a little innocent ignorance.
It’s so amazing when you have a conversation with someone and it totally clicks that you have been doing things all wrong. I demand utter compliance yet I never make it clear that I will not throw it back in your face and make you truly face humiliation by exposing you in a way that is unsafe and awful. How did this escape me? It is way too much to demand from someone submission without making them feel comfortable with their wants and need to submit, and I apologize. I cannot put all the blame on my last boyfriends[fuck buddies/lovers] because I never allowed myself to really take on that responsibility and let them be. Will this help my new relationship, let’s hope so. But I also feel that too much talk scares guys away. These things are more than just kinky sex, its feelings, its emotions, its knowing that when someone says they have a fantasy of being fucked in the ass with a strap on that you won’t laugh at them (too much) or tell all their friends. And while I feel I wouldn’t betray that, I never explicitly said, this is a safe space where there is nothing you can do or say that will make me think less of you.
I didn’t do that with TB (the boy) and I demanded that level with the Music Man, but never provided that cushion.
With TB, it was different. It was new to me, and I was worried enough trying to keep up with him and his fantasies that I’m sure my responses could have been better. But while my reaction might not be what you want, I am willing to look into it and not judge you. We never spoke about that though, and that is where we failed. I tried to talk, but whenever we did, it turned into a hurt feelings discussion about how I wanted more from him in order for me to continue, not I need to give first and welcome him into my arms.
Communication is so key to all this, yet so freaking hard to get over that hurdle of propriety and possible soul crushing hurt, I feel this is harder than any of the weird kinky shit. I need to openly and without expectation be able to create a safe space and bring my walls down a little and let you feel comfortable in order to make us both feel better and move forward. There was never malice or deceit behind my inability to do this, just self-preservation and a little innocent ignorance.
Monday, December 8, 2008
The training of a top or finally learning how to do this shiz.
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