Giving Thanks

Ok, so I am enjoying becoming an adult. I think I am good at it. I started this blog to work through sexual issues and I think I am going to move into working through issues in general. I don’t want to limit myself to only sexual self-discovery. It doesn’t mean I don’t have bouts of insecurity or doubt or worry about who I am, my life choices and my place in this large world. But I find that at the right time in my life certain things cross my path to help me work through things. For instance, I am reading Cornel West right now to try to figure out general dissertation problems. It’s helping, not necessarily the meat and potatoes of my grand opus, but its really helping me think through my process of lifelong learning.
“I have never aspired to be a professional academic or scholar. Instead, I have tried to be a man of letters In love with ideas in order to be a wiser and more loving person, hoping to leave the world just a little better than I found it. I take great delight in the free play of the mind, and I believe intellectual work is indespebable for social change…So I speak of my intellectual work and life as a calling, not a career; a vocation, not a profession.
George Yancy. African-American Philosophers: 17 Conversations.

I loved this quote. It hit on the head how I approach everything I do and how I deconstruct and analyze myself and the world around me. Sometimes this blog can be salacious, but I hope that with my openness and candid discussions of sexuality I can hopefully encourage others to explore their own thereby widening the possibilities for thought, desire and human interaction. A lofty goal indeed, but if it fails, at least I learn more about myself.

I give thanks to my family for allowing me to be an explorer and not a drone, to question authority and the institutions and structures that lull us into complicity. While we all fall into its trappings, sometimes its best just to be aware.

So what I am struggling with right now is a few things.
1- focus: I have none. I can’t focus on a single task for more than 20 minutes. I don’t think I have an actual attention disorder, I just have not trained myself to work constructively. Will have to work on this. I need to stop checking Perez Hilton, the LOL cats and Huffington Post constantly.
2- Calmness and neediness when concerned with my new man: I am needy and he is aloof. I need to be better and discussing my concerns and feelings without coming across as a crazy person. I have never really had a serious relationship, which I think is probably a red flag for any new suitor and I don’t want to scare him by bringing up my issues. But I want him to be more attentive. All my friends say this comes with time. I want to be open with him and discuss my feelings and all those itchy sweater emotions that I hate bringing up, but I don’t know how to start. All I want is like 10% more from him. It’s not that he doesn’t like me or doesn’t want to spend time with me. But in my insecurity I always feel like I am filling the silences, making the plans and generally forcing things forward because I fear he won’t. How does one get over this nasty habit thereby allowing him to take some control and lessening my neediness in return? Sheeesh.