Trying to get MJ to talk dirty and stop talking so sweet:

IM conversation:
Edited for brevity
MJ: I fantasize of going down on you
Me: I like that
MJ: I like that too?
Me: I do like some good dirty talk, it helps get me in the mood
MJ: I daydream about making you quiver; I think I’ve had thoughts of having sex with you in various spots of your house
kitchen counter
bathroom sink
shower
you leaned over the back of the couch
Me: lets try it!
MJ: I want to do you from behind so I can reach around and fondle you
Me: say it, touch my clit
get comfortable being dirty
Mj: touch your clit?
Me: well not like that

I guess it’s a start and we have to start somewhere. I think the more he feels comfortable the less I will bitch that he’s not meeting my needs. But as this convo says there is a long way to go. Saying things like quiver just sounds too much like loins and brings back awful memories of shitty romance novels. Not that all sex has to be dirty, but I like intensity not a soft focus lens with a soprano saxaphone in the background. But it gets better once he opens up a little…


MJ: I like sucking on your clit
Me: so much better, I want more of this, now go to bed and think of me when you masturbate
Mj: I wanna watch you play with yourself, that shit is fuckin hot. I can feel you rubbing your clit when we fuck
Me: really? where?
Mj: i have to look down, base of my dick, makes me googly eyed
Me: i didnt know that thats hot, let me know these things while were doing it
and by “it” I mean bone
and by bone I mean fuck

So it gets better so I think whatever “rut” we were in I could say is over. I still don’t know if I am 100% into him or into it, but this is a step in the right direction. I like that he took control, I deleted some lines because I didn’t think them important or good imagery, but at least he’s trying and this conversation did get me excited. I think that sex is sometimes [most of the time] psychological for me. I go for guys that are hard to get because then it’s a bigger conquest when I get them. The ante always needs to be raised, whether that’s emotional, physical, or some sort of sexual deviancy. Just getting him to talk more candidly and use less cheesy sexual euphemisms I think helps.

Happy Giving!

I'm thankful for Lolcat's. If they didn't exist I wouldn't get my daily pick me up, and everyone needs one of those.
My blog, it haz a flavr:

moar funny pictures

I am thankful that kink and sexy now work well together, even though I can't afford anything from Agent Provocateur, I still think its all pretty sexy (well not all, some of it is absolutely ugly) But it's also all geared towards submissive females (check out their accesories, but some have potential)
But I covet this corset:


MY PUPPY!!!! (we'll he's a grown man these days, but he brings me joy and delight even when he acts like suc a bad boy. But even when he does, just watching the gears turn in his little head brings joy that I forget about the early morning walks, or the fact that my social life is curtailed sometimes because having those adorable dead teddy eyes look up at me for guidance and support is just too cute.

I'm thankful for my family, my friends and all my new blog friends; you guys rock and I am definitely the most happy (albiet probably the most confused/f-ed up) that I have been in awhile, but I'm enjoying life and my place in it.

Totally unrelated:
I'm sure there will be some boring as fuck Peanuts Holiday movie on network tv tomorrow when I want to digest and lounge. Does anyone else find those super boring? Even as a child I never got the appeal of Peanuts, if anyone did/does, please let me know. I thought they were poorly drawn and had pacing problems/were too goddam boring. Although I did like the one where Snoopy gets all upset because of all the "No Dogs Allowed" Signs. But thats because I love all dog humor.


Happy Thanksgving!

Making love, when all you really want is a good fuck.

So that’s the predicament I’m in right now. All I want is a nice hard fuck but all I get is some sweet soft kisses and some dumb baby talk. I am having two slight problems with MJ these days. 1- he isn’t assertive enough when it comes to naked fun time, and that leads to 2- I am not turned on or excited because it seems formulaic and routine already. If I don’t initiate sex, he won’t. Or for some reason he thinks bedtime spooning is a good indicator of his desire and therefore I then need to make a move. So of course this leads to a conversation where I tell him that if he wants it, go for it. He then says that he thought I was tired (or something, I don’t remember the excuse) and that he didn’t want to push it but that he wanted to. I said, then go for it! Tell me what you want, and do it. I tell him he needs to become more assertive with his needs/wants.
What does this lead to; not what I wanted. It leads to him, yes, being more assertive, but it still was butterfly kisses going from my ankle to my crotch, yet again, did not really do it for me.
I think maybe he just isn’t comfortable doing this? But he has before and it worked, I was super excited and wanted to jump his bones. Now I just want to feign sleep and just quickly get a condom on him so I can get him off and get this over with. There was one time, at my urging, he told me all the places and positions he wanted to have sex with me. It was fun, it was dirty, and it was wonderful. But I have never heard him use the word pussy, fuck, dick or suck since then. All I get now is “oral pleasures” “smooches” and “snuggles”.
I don’t know how to tell him what’s wrong though. Either he doesn’t think something is wrong, or he does and he’s over compensating by being even more saccharine and sugary. Either way this has to stop before I totally lose all interest in him as a sexual being. But I find it hard to bring this subject up because it’s hard to articulate what I want, and it also seems a little negative and cruel. Because if this is just his personality, how do you tell someone you don’t like who they are? I just think maybe we’re not a good fit. I want him to be more assertive in the bedroom, not necessarily take control, but understand that when push comes to shove, if I want an orgasm, I need to be fucked. There is nothing nice or soft or sweet about it, its intense, its emotional and its great; but its not a euphemism for cartoon bunnies or dessert or some shit like that. This is not a fairy tale, this is fucking.
I don’t know how to tell him that saying something like “I want to give you oral pleasures” just doesn’t sound as good as something simpler like “I want to taste you” or just a simple let me grab you until my face is in your crotch. (I prefer the latter) I know its wrong, but I want my men masculine, even when they beg, I want them to use dirty words, because dirty words sound so much better. Like the title of this post, I am sick of long gentle kisses and soft murmurs, you are bigger than me do something crazy, throw me around, say you want to fuck me. Stop asking for kisses or making baby talk. This is not an after school special; this is a cinemax after hours red shoe diaries episode. FUCK ME!

A step sideways

So, I just spoke to The Boy. Grar, it was great and awful and exciting, and turned me on and made me think delicious awful thoughts about hitting him and holding him and yet again it made me ache in a way that honestly, only he can conjure (is that what love feels like? I hate being one of those people who is like “but I Love him”).
But it brings up many issues that I have with relationships, men and dating (big surprise, I know ☺ )
The conversation was different, I felt like I had the upper hand. I finally felt like I had a modicum of control over the direction of our relationship. I worry though, do I feel like this because I am better at being dominant, or is it because I have a fallback?
I don’t want to even talk about MJ like that, but it’s sort of true. He tries really hard, and maybe with time he can be that person for me, but right now the major things going for him is that he’s here and he’s willing to put up with my waffling nature. But he is also way too nice and considerate to even think about him as just a warm body to keep me company for a while. Even having these thoughts bothers me and makes me feel like an awful person for being so emotionally flippant about someone who obviously cares deeply about me. Which then of course makes me feel worse, it’s a continual “well, I’m living my life” “I’m living my life like a dick” back-and-forth.
I feel like I'm doing myself a sort of disservice by not fully committing to MJ, but I honestly don’t think I can. But I also don’t want to use him, I mean he knows that we’re not exclusive I told him I run from relationships (sprint is more like it), but ultimately I think he wants something I cant provide. I mean, I am still turned on by him, but in a different way than the Boy.
I think it also has to do with the dynamic of the relationship I have with MJ and the relationship I have with TB (the boy for short). With TB it’s always slightly difficult, which makes it more fun. I want to dominate him because he’s hard to tie down. It’s like rescuing a feral cat and trying to tame them. It’s exciting in the same way. MJ, it seems too easy right now, he needs so much lifting up sometimes that putting him down just doesn’t seem like so much fun. I feel like hitting him and humiliating him would be like hurting a wounded puppy, he brings out different instincts in me, instincts to protect and to safeguard, not to breakdown so I can then bring him up in my image. MJ is willing to try, and that alone scares me because I do not know if I want to take that sort of submission. I like the cat and mouse, I like the game and I feel like he would automatically let me win. (Like he does when we play x-box)
I feel he never really got validation for who he is, so right now its just trying to show him that he is a good person. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting more, and wanting TB. Not like he has his act together either. We’re talking about having me come visit for New Years, finally engaging in the play that we have talked about now for over a year. It’s exciting, its scary and whatever the outcome, I think its something I need to do for myself to see if this is what I want sexually with out without him. It’s also New Years, I mean, that in itself is so dopily romantic. I always crave that movie romance moment that my adolescent self still craves, but does it exist? Is TB and all that goes with him just some sort of kinky adolescent fantasy of love and domination? (And how do I reconcile those two now, ugh)
But I feel that since we know each other so well, and we know how the other one works, it’s a good place to start. Right now, I want to feel that with him. I want to take both of our BDSM cherries. No matter the outcome, I want him to look back and always think of me as his first.
But then I get self-conscious and start feeling down on myself for wanting a relationship yet continually sabotaging my efforts. But do I want a relationship? And I feel that someone is always going to get the short end of this stick, and I don’t want it to be me.

Help Needed

So fellow bloggers, since I have this new boy who is willing to try anything I was wondering, what does everyone
1- recommend for slowly seeing if this is something he's interested in? any ideas
I was thinking some sensory play and some light commands at first, just to see if he 1- finds it erotic, 2- isn't too weirded out
2- What is a good beginner's toy box look like and where does one get these things? I saw a website that had some lovely crops and they were purple!! but they also had some other stuff that I was super confused about and therefore questioning their credibility. I was way too overwhelmed by all the harnesses and armbinders, etc.

thanks!!

Update on the incredible mess that is my sex life

So since I have been otherwise involved in a sort of stable and rewarding relationship for the past two weeks (although that has its problems and ups and downs too). I have been ignoring The Boy. And, of course, that means, he comes back, he’s like a flipping boomerang.
Here is an e-mail exchange that I am going to post, just to share. The problem is that I know him so much better than the new boy MJ, and I can’t really think of bringing him on the emotional roller coaster that is 1- sex with me, 2- kinky sex with me yet, so until I am ready to expose him fully to what I want from him (I also don’t think he can handle it yet emotionally, or me for that matter) I still think I am going to keep The Boy around, especially since I still kinda (gasp) think there is a chance for us.


The Boy: I’m back to wanting to be dominated and can't stop thinking about it. What’s with my head?
(My interjection: still it’s all about him)
Me: apparently it’s all over the place
The Boy: aren't you excited? When you come to visit bring your accoutrements. You’ll have me naked on a leash and I’ll be begging for you from my knees, only making eye contact when instructed. I’ll kiss you boots waiting for my chance to pleasure you between your legs. And I hope you'll still want to fuck me even though I’ve been so rude to you. I’m sorry...I want to be humbled
(My interjection: yet again, he doesn’t understand. I want to hit him because it turns me on, not because he has done something to utterly hurt me and therefore needs to be punished, that is even too fucked up for me to engage in, but of course, I still find him fucking sexy and I have never been known to listen, so I will play along)
Me: its all me, tons of accoutrements, but 100% me. I want tons of eye contact, I love eye contact. No boot kissing, unless I ask, I prefer you to just say please and sorry constantly don't say sorry unless you mean it I’ll do more than humble you, but this is not really about you now is it, its about making me happy by groveling every time I hit you I want you to say thank you, when it starts to hurt I want you to ask for more, when you start to grovel maybe then I’ll stop
The Boy: I’m impressed
Me: I’m impressive

He is such a mind fuck sometimes, but I still play along.

Moving on: training wheels domination

So there’s a new boy in my life. I don’t know where this one will go. He’s way too nice for me, since I do not do well with overt nice-ness. I don’t know, is it always bad to think: “is there something else out there?” Will that ever go away? But like all my friends have told me, I deserve someone nice someone to dote on me and do all those things I rarely ever get since I date emotionally stunted assholes. The thing is; do I want someone nice? But that’s another post. I mean, don’t get me wrong I like being complimented, but it has to be rare so it means something. Does that make sense? He lacks some sort of edge I feel, some sort of I must conquer you edge that I like to have (the douche bag gene?). I really enjoy the chase, my fav is the chase and then the win, and so having it already locked down just is difficult for me. Well not really, its hard to describe, I have my stable, there really is no chase with them, but they are not truly mine. My grasp is tenuous at best. I’m having a hard time expressing my discomfort and my lack of 100% sexual arousal, but I’ll get there I want to be able to explain it so I can conquer it. I just think that there is a side of him that is not 100% willing to step off any precipice out of not fear but complacency, and I am not a complacent person. I think that’s what it is. I prefer to be the less manic person, not the most. This requires further examination

Ok so back to the reason I’m writing:
So this new boy we shall call him MJ, he knows that I have dominant tendencies but has never walked down this path. He actually has some reservations 1- about women in general, 2- about women who want to tie men up. He had a friend who met this girl at a bar and she convinced him to let her tie him up. She anally raped him (mind you this is from him the day after, who knows what was consensual and what was buyer’s remorse) and left him tied to his bed to be found and ultimately humiliated by his military supervisor. With a story like that, and knowing his quiet ways, I can see his hesitation.
And like Marcelle’s Bay Area Boy, this one is super green. He is really quiet and had a very oppressive upbringing, so he kind of shied away from girls. He didn’t lose his virginity until he was 22 and had never had a woman swallow his come until me, which is downright wrong. BUT like I said, I’m a newbie too, two newbie’s…that’s like a high school virginity story right there and that’s too awkward to do, ever!
I digress, so I am trying to slowly work him into things I’m into. I like domination and control more than hitting (well the hitting comes, but it needs to be when I’m in the mood and since he’s so fresh and dopey already over me, I can’t see myself hitting him anytime soon, until I know he will be ok with something like that). So I thought I would try something new, and if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.
So I thought the best way was to slowly get him into this control thing. So we played a little game, and it was HAWT. He had to tell me step by step what he was doing to me as he did it, if he stopped, I would remove his hand and push him away a little (later on this will be amended to something harder like a slap…that already sounds delicious) but you have to walk before you can crawl, right? The downsides to this, he can’t go down on me, keeping his mouth busy talking has its disadvantages, but it also is pretty fun. I get to hear him actually think through what he’s going to do which makes him think through it too! Hearing it while it’s happening, made me concentrate more on the exact location that he was touching, so if he said he was going to lightly touch my nipple, my heart would race and I would concentrate on that nipple. Now take that step-by-step until his mouth was on my nipple (if he wanted to do something else, he would have to remove his mouth to tell me) so all of foreplay until my orgasm was basically scripted. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
Example: I’m going to run one finger gently on the side of your clit, you’re so soft and wet, I’m not going to stick one finger in, slowing fucking you, now adding another…etc

You can see how this is a turn on, and especially since when he would get too carried away, he would stop saying what he was doing, mind you, it was hard making him stop, but prolonging it for both of us was pretty dam fun. And this was not limited to just “down there” action (I need to get more comfortable talking about my girl parts)
I thought that was a good “training wheels” sort of entrance, and it turned me on, so that’s good.
I mean, the first week worth of make outs were fun and all, but the regular bump and grind (literally) begins to lose their luster, I was getting bored. And this totally sparked things up again.

Any thoughts on more ways to ease him into this?
I told him that he can say no at anytime and if he has no interest in anything to let me know.


Quick aside
I want to share this IM convo that makes me happy

Talking about nothing in particular
MJ: fine, you win, I suck
M Leah: you don’t suck
MJ: I do if you ask

The force is strong with this one….

Happy 'Ween

Hi all!
I hope everyone had a great Halloween. I sure did, unfortunately it lasted from last friday untl wed, so i'm pretty beat. But I did want to post, that I have a new boy in my life! I will talk about him soon once I think of a good name to call him on this blog. It's been a week now and I am beginning to wonder....
He knows about my "inclinations" we'll see how this goes. He's super nice and actually a giving and supportive person, I don't know if i can handle such men.