New Years Resolutions

I never posted my new years resolutions. See above, this is basically it. :)

When tension leads to orgasm.

It’s going to be slow here at my blogspot, sorry 5 readers. I cut lose MJ and TB stopped talking to me to have a girlfriend (yeah not over that yet) so its all going to be fantasy and conjecture over here.
I project; I do this with all men and all relationships. I see what I want, and then when things settle down and people aren’t on their best dating behavior anymore, I wonder who the hell is this person and why did I let them in my pants?! I jump into sex too quickly because I am a horny mofo, and I am truly deeply in love with courtship. I also find it difficult to control myself once I set my sights on someone, mind you, since I like quirky…this usually ends in extreme disappointment. What I saw as fun when I met them (like let’s say a love of pop culture) turns into a big problem (no job, no direction. Seen every episode of Maury).
There is this boy who I think is cute. We shall call him Fruit (his Halloween costume and our first meeting). Now Fruit has not shown the appropriate level of interest in me. You can tell when someone’s interested and I can’t with him. I think this is just one of those things that once I get him, I’m not going to want him because I am already over critical about his height and his small girly hands. He’s super fun, tells a great story, and generally has a positive attitude, which is really attractive. Because of this: his attitude, his general good looks, and the fact that I think I’m cuter, he should be into me. Which of course, makes me try even harder. He seems fun, and I am in the mood for some fun (i.e. I could possibly play hitty games with him). If sex is fun, I keep you along way past your shelf life too.
This one intrigues me, I always like to see what I can pull off and get away with and he’s playing hard to get. So as circumstances go he wound up back at my place after a night out where we proceeded to play these bizarre I’m going to hang out at your place way too late when I live literally across the hallway. It had to be a sign, right? He doesn’t need to drive home, just take an elevator down 2 flights. But still no direct signals, no unnecessary touching, etc. I was getting frustrated
I leave him on the couch and got ready for bed pissed off and grumbling to myself. He finally wakes up when the TV program he’s watching stops. Now its super late and he finally agrees to come in my bed, don’t do me any 3 am favors. So he finally gets in my bed and I am purposefully sleeping an inch away from his body
Not touching, its driving me crazy, its been awhile since there is been a man in my bed that I wanted and I’m about to snap. And we’re not touching, and I can’t stay still. I writhe close to him a little, and then move away…he adjusts himself, ok so he’s not asleep. Good sign. This continues, I move closer, I move away, he adjusts so the distance is the same again. This went on for maybe five minutes, but it felt like hours. Just the proximity is turning me on. Now, it might have all been me, but the tension was extremely stimulating and infuriating at the same time. But I’m not giving in, he gave no overt sign and I wasn’t going to cave first. He is behind me, and I slowly move back, pressing my backside into him, he’s semi-hard, I smile to myself. Ok, I know how to handle this one, and it’s so easy. I rub slowly into him, to judge exactly what is going on down there; he wraps his hands around me not knowing what to do next. He’s against my back with his dick pressing into me. I don’t touch him though, I have no interest in having sex with him (not anymore, too late for all that energy), I wanted to get off and then go to bed. I had gotten to the point that I had no interest in mutual satisfaction. A wait like that, sheesh! I was getting off thinking about the hard on I wasn’t going to satisfy; and I moaned wrapping one hand around his body and reached for his hand and placed it above my pussy. With his fingers on the outside of my pajama pants I started rubbing up and down, at the same time pressing into his hard on, moving him around my clit, feeling how wet I was, basically masturbating with him, he breathed deeply into my hair and I traced my clit slowly with one of his fingers. I grabbed his hand and pushed it into my pants trying to get them inside of me as fast as I could, of course, he didn’t get it, and tried to take control. Oh no, at this point, your boner and the fact that its almost 4 am gives me permission to get what I want out of this. This is going down my way; I pulled his hand away and wouldn’t move until he stopped. When I replaced his hands he finally got the picture, I wanted it hard and fast and quick. I came around his fingers strong enough to push him out. I sighed gently, removed his hands and moved to my side of the bed. He waited still, wondering what I would do, slowly inching his way over to me placing his dick back into my back urging me, signaling me he was ready for his turn, without turning over I patted his hand three times shimmied out of his grip and went to sleep on my side of the bed. I wonder if this will continue… I need a new playmate.

A new day and some new questions

With one night behind me, I'm actually feeling better. When I think about it, i still feel like shit, but it also feels kind of freeing and new again. Like the way I look at Monday before I get behind in my work, there is possibility again. I haven't tried truly dating now that I know what I want. Although I feel this might be harder now.
SO besides, tall, dark, handsome, smart, witty, successful I now have to add "want's to get it up the butt by a strap on". (Combined with me wanted to do said activity with said person) This might be difficult.
I also was wondering some logistics- to all the sub men out there and dominant women: How does one hit their partner while having sex with them? Is this a possibility? Do I always have to be on top, is there anyway I can sit back and enjoy the ride and then participate every now and again. There has to be a position to make this possible.
I'm still sad, but whatever...I'm not giving him power over me anymore (I know that sounds weird since he wanted to be my sub, but let's face it, it was true).

When every pore of your body feels like shit.

I’m feeling vulnerable right now, vulnerable and sad. It’s just a pain in my chest, like heartburn but way worse. It can’t come out yet, it’s one of those hurts where you bottle it up and it won’t break free until you drink and become a hot mess in public, its one of those kind of hurts. The Boy ended things with me. We’ve known each other for 5 years, and through one girlfriend and he thinks he found girlfriend number two, and that’s not me. Honestly, I was beginning to realize it was never going to be me, but I was sure hoping it would be like a movie, and this was our hurdle to overcome before we kiss and lived happily ever after. And I wonder if a part of why I hold him so dear is that he was able to get me to find out about myself. I have always been a docile lover, nervous and shy aiming to please over what turned me on. I was never comfortable with receiving pleasure, afraid of my own orgasm, what I needed to feel good. It never ended positively, I would feel shitty (rarely come) and they would never deliver the response I wanted. And with him I began exploring and not trying to resist the things that turned me on. I am so much happier and confident sexually than I ever have been, and it feels so good (unfortunately not good enough, I want to be having more dirty fantastic sweaty sex). If it wasn’t for his confiding in me that he wanted me to dominate him (yet again, this hurts SO much, I know his secrets, I know what he wants and she doesn’t! why can’t it be me!!) deep down I was trying to get him to confide all these things because I wanted to be the holder of his dirty secrets. I wanted to be the one who held the key to his possible public humiliation. I wanted that power over him. But he can’t, he doesn’t feel as swept up, he did at a time, but not now. I just think I want to find love, gooey dopey dirty adoration. I was projecting on someone who could give me a mediocre imitation, like shitty nutrasweet when all you want is splenda, but you settle. For all my kinky ways I still wanted romance. I wanted him to look up at me with those large vulnerable expressive green eyes, looking down at that lovely face, so open and beautiful, the face of a boy on the body of a man with his large eyes and full lips, he nervously bites at his bottom lip then licks them and just that small movement makes me shudder. His entire attention is on my body and he almost vibrates with anticipation. I feel tall and commanding and the tension between us is almost suffocating and I’m driving and he’s willingly obliging in such a way that every blink speaks my name and wears my mark. Will I ever be able to look at someone else and see that again?

The uncomfortable position of real life power dynamics

I’m unsure about posting this situation yet at the same time I need to rid myself of it through prose in order to purge its power over me. It makes me wonder if I give off mixed signals and if this is just one of the dangers and dilemmas of being a woman. Mostly though, it pisses me off!
There is a professor who I worked for before I went back to graduate school. He was a little off, but was always very friendly and generous with his time. I always saw the relationship as something like a mentor/mentee type of thing. Now he is a little odd, socially awkward and nervous, but he has always been pretty kind to me, so I thought that maybe he’s just not used to having students work for him and this is just his bizarre way of engaging in the student/teacher relationship. He doesn’t look like the type that has many people clamoring to work with him. I always thought he was just looking for a young up and comer with strengths that he doesn’t have to explore issues he finds engaging, particularly deviant sexual practices. Apparently I am a bad judge of situations, which does not bode, well for my future career.
So this past weekend we went to dinner, nothing out of the ordinary, shared what has been going on in our lives, work we’re doing. We start talking about BDSM and I explain what I want to write about. How I want to use queer theory to understand the binary of deviant/mainstream sex, what is that boundary and why certain behaviors are considered deviant. We talk about things, and he told me how he has an interest in spanking, I said that that was ok, that what I have been figuring out is that nobody needs to fit into stock images of alternative sexual desires, that it is creative and generative and that I am personally enjoying figuring these things out. So the meal finishes, I say thank you and go to head my way.
He then says, “well I have a proposition, I would invite you back to my apartment but its quite dirty right now, how bout we go to this motel around the corner that rents by the hour and have a scene”. Now at this point I was floored. How do you respond to something like that? Instead of saying I have no interest in engaging in behaviors like that with you because there has to be a level of physical attraction and desire for me to want to engage in any behavior that I find stimulating. This is not about you, and you cannot expect that since you want it and I am studying kinky sex that I want to have kinky sexual activities with you that it will happen. I am an active agent in my own sexual desire and stimulation and spanking a man who is shorter than me and probably in his 60s don’t do it for me. How dare you even conflate my interests, research agendas and personal choices with an interest in you!!
Unfortunately I am not as eloquent or direct, I mumble how I have a busy day and need to get home. What type of response is that? Now I didn’t ask what exactly he wanted, because I didn’t care. But it totally ruins any sort of working relationship we have. I am still haunted with images of his naked ass bent over wanting me to spank him **shudders** Everyone is entitled to their own interests, but just because I have a desire to study something, maybe even a personal interest in its behaviors does NOT mean or give you the right to think that I want to do it with you. Its like saying that a woman in a short skirt asked to be raped, I did not ask for this.
What bothers me the most besides the blatant disrespect of boundaries and social relationships is the fact that he thinks that an interest personally as well as professionally would turn into something sexual and stimulating between the two of us. He’s going to rationalize my response and say that I just don’t have the chops, stones, balls whatever to study something of this nature. And that seriously pisses me off. I fully admit when I think things are over my head, and this is not one of them. My biggest personal as well as professional hurdle, the reason I went into social research is to make myself uncomfortable and always test myself and push myself in situations. And he is going to hit me where it hurts saying that I just couldn’t take it. And how do you tell someone its not the behavior that they want you to participate in, its them? How do you say that without being rude? Its not the activities, I’m not going to put myself in situations that make me feel uncomfortable and you cannot use your power and position to make me feel awkward.
What happens now? I don’t want to bring it up, my friend recommended that I just treat is as if he invited me to go for ice cream afterward and I respectfully declined. I think I am just going to ignore the situation and if he tried to rationalize or discuss it, explain what I explained above, that an interest in behavior does not mean that any partner will do.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Happy 2008!!
Things to come
My resolutions
The weirdest night of my life so far
and much more!!
Thanks to everyone who reads, and I hope you continue to in the future. Blogging has been a very relaxing and cathartic experience.

xoxo
M. Leah

Wonder Leah/Train Rides with Mom

Thursday evening I went to “In the Flesh” the monthly reading series @ Happy Endings lounge to meet and hear fellow blogger Marcelle Manhattan share some of her naughty stories. She did a great job and it was wonderful to finally meet the woman behind it all. Thank you to all the writers and readers who had the courage to stand in front of a room full of people and talk about the intimate goings on of your sex life including a romp with Santa, the exact shaving style of one’s “bits”, an erotic haiku, a walk down memory lane to an S&M restaurant with Topaz and her mystery man and much more. I had a great time and I am grateful that you guys have the stones to get up there and share. It truly does help timid old me break through some of my insecurities to see women talk so candidly about being turned on. It definitely got my writing gears turning, expect more from me in 2008! Talking with Marcelle it really got me thinking…she mentioned how she never felt like she belonged growing up in the south. I think if we all step out of our kinky closets no woman (or outsider for that matter) would have to feel uncomfortable for ascribing to a different set of social norms. I was going to post about where are all my positive dominant female women role models? But I need to be that person for myself, for all the little M. Leah’s out there who are still in college trying to figure out this stuff. If I can help one girl avoid an awkward hookup, complete with blowjob and no satisfaction then perhaps I have made a difference ☺. But seriously, I don’t know why we teach women to be afraid of their sexual desires and package them in tight little boxes that are to be exchanged for either gifts or feelings. I am not saying you shouldn’t be a considerate lover, but things do not end with male ejaculation. I do not know who spread this belief, but women need to reclaim their sexual practices for their own benefit and remove this awful idea of gift exchange from their orgasm and critically examine the way we interact when the lights go down and the clothes come off. I think this is the new barrier. The uncontested sexual mores of hook-up culture and the social environment we are bringing our girls into.
** Excuse me while I get off my soapbox**
The best part of the night however was not the reading or exposing my mother to erotic literature; it was the train ride home on the long island railroad. Oh did I forget to say that m mom came with me? Silly me. My mom came with me to an erotic reading. She grew up in a different time in a different culture, but she has a little bit of the voyeur bug in her. I do too, but I also stick my toe in from time to time (ok, sometimes I just go skinny dipping, but you get the metaphor, I don’t need to kill it). We got little bottles of wine and boarded our train home. We talked about the readers, we talked about men, and we talked about sex. She still is trying to come to terms with the fact that heterosexual people would want to do anal. Bless her little heart. Imagine having this conversation with your mom, it was hilarious. I was trying to educate her and shock her at the same time. She’s such a tightly wound person that I was hoping that this entire experience would help her loosen up a little. And of course under the influence of my train station libations I probably said a little too much. I explained the joys of prostate massages to my mother. I had my mom blushing and giggling like a schoolgirl. Yes, I basically told my mom to stick a finger in my dad’s ass. What type of daughter am I? Maybe she’ll be a little happier and perhaps being more adventurous in the bedroom will make her more adventurous in the world. I wonder if she’ll try it, wait…I don’t want to know. There are some things that are still sacred.
Merry Christmas!!!